The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
Thank you so much OxDrover, for the advice. Believe me, I want to be free of him but at this point, he is still in control. I am trying so hard to break away. My childtren HATE him, my friends HATE him, etc. Everyone around me thinks I am totally insane and I am. I taught school for 30 years and worked with children of abuse, etc. and God knows I know what abuse is and he is it but I never realized the strength and power and deceript of a sociopathic person. I have been manipulated, controlled and abused and I let him do it knowing he was doing it. That is what floors me. Am I that stupid, to let a redneck jerk hit me, bruise me, walk over me, abandom me and criticize me to everyone I know? This man left me to die, literally walked over me and I let him. Something is wrong with me to let a person do that. I have taken many children into my own home to give them stability, support, love and guidance because they were hurting so terribly. I told them all the things you are telling me. Some of those precious children are dead or in prison or mental institutions and I hurt for them so badly. I think about them all the time and I want to help myself but I can’t. I almost feel like I just don’t deserve to be saved because I allowed this scumbag into my life and he ruined it. I feel isolated, alone, confused, betrayed and lied to. What or how do I go forward; My heart is broken, my life is in shambles because of this man. He has taken my home, my self respect, my dignity and honor, my money and most importantly the respect of my children. They look at me, shake their heads and get angry with me because I continue to allow him in my life. I don’t know which way to turn or what to do. I feel so unimportant and lowly and as insignificant as a dead ant!!
Dearest Victimx,
You keep telling me how POWERLESS YOU ARE, and that is NOT TRUE. You are as powerful as YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE. You must change your BELIEFS. You CAN change them.
You are not any more “stupid” than the rest of us were/are, you have been gullible, and you have allowed him to abuse you, but YOU CAN STOP WHEN YOU ARE READY TO.
YOU CAN TAKE BACK YOUR POWER. YOU ARE ABLE TO TAKE BACK YOUR POWER.
YOU CAN FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR ALLOWING ALL THIS.
I am 61 years old, and I have been the victim of Ps and toxic enablers my entire life. I am a smart, competent, outgoing, caring, kind good woman and I have allowed these people to use and abuse me over and over and over, some for years, and some for less time, but I’ve NEVER BEEN TRULY P-FREE my entire life. I lived it trying to do good, and trying to please God and please my mother and please my sons and on and on.
They used me like a roll of toilet paper until I was near the end, nothing left but the cardboard center. I was literally in fear of my life (they tried to kill me) but I FINALLY GOT IT, I AM WORTH LIFE, I can take back my POWER.
I HAVE DONE IT AND SO CAN YOU. I don’t care how “stupid” or how “low” or “worthless” you think you are, or how “embarassed” at yourself you are for “being stupid” you HAVE A CHOICE, LIVE OR DIE.
I can’t make that choice for you, YOU MUST MAKE THAT CHOICE FOR YOUSELF. I can’t save you, YOU MUST SAVE YOURSELF.
Remember when you were in labor with your children? How it hurt and how you wanted it to be over immediately but you had to go through the labor yourself? No one could do it for you, you had to do it for yourself. You can “give birth” to a NEW YOU, a you that is WORTHWHILE, that is WORTHY, but you have to PUSH AND PUSH and it hurts to push, and you have the choice to lay there and NOT PUSH and DIE. There is no physician that can do a “C-section” for a new birth for YOU. You have to do it yourself. I can, and the others here on love fraud can, be your COACH, but we can’t go through the labor. We can and will hold your hand, encourage you, support you, wipe the sweat off your brow, give you sips of water, but YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MUST GO THROUGH THE LABOR.
I hope and I PRAY that you will choose life, that you will not let this DEMON destroy you, will not let him bring sorrow to your loved ones by them seeing that you have allowed him to take your life from you. Do not let this “addiction” to this man deprive your children and your grandchildren of the mother and grandmother that THEY DESERVE. Or you of the LIFE that you DESERVE.
You can do it, but you must CHOOSE to do it.
Read here, read all the articles in the archives. There is one I wrote a couple of months ago (can’t remember the exact date) on FORGIVIING YOURSELF FOR BEING HUMAN, forgiving yourself for allowing the abuse and making errors in judgment etc. Read that article as wellk, and FORGIVE YOURSELF. Learn to love yourself again. Peace, love and prayers.
Dear OxDrover,
Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and of support. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live like this either. I feel powerless to do anything about it. I had finally gotten enough of being hurt about a month ago and I made a phone call to his emoloyers about his behaviors and he may loose his job. Now, I am letting him make me feel horrible guilt for doing this. I do regret it, I shouldn’t have taken out revenge against him but I did and I do regret it and now he has even more power over me because of this. I know I allow it but I don’t know how to not allow it. What do I do? I am in turmoil.
Victimx:
Does he ever feel regret for any of the ways in which he has hurt you? Have you ever bruised him? Have you ever walked on him? Have you ever made him feel any kind of REAL emotion? He will NEVER return to you the love you have given away to him.
He knows exactly where to push your button. You have to hide that button from him, and the ONLY way to do that is to NOT TALK TO HIM.
He is NOT where life is at. You cannot define yourself or your life by him. I remember helping my husband to disengage himself from his ex-wife, and he was even in love with me at the time. It was still hard for him. Extremely hard.
You cannot help a sociopath. They cannot help you. If you’re depressed, get on antidepressant drugs, join a support group, find a family member or friend. You’re starting out by posting here, and I thank you for that. You raised your children. You’re not done with them, and they aren’t done with you. You can get rid of this dark cloud in your life. The less you allow him into your life, the sooner he’ll tire of hurting you. DON’T LET HIM TAKE ONE MORE OUNCE OF YOUR SELF-WORTH! It’s not his, and he’ll never appreciate it. It’s YOUR self-worth. You’re worth way more than that.
Dear VictimX,
What you did may have been for the “wrong reason” (revenge) but does it make any of what you said to his employers any less valid? NO!!! The hurt that they do to us, the injury, has a normal response of wanting to hurt them back. That is NORMAL. It isn’t good, but it is NORMAL. Now, GET OVER IT, quit the guilt. JUST QUIT IT! You can do it.
You regret that you did it (that is repentence) and you will not do it again. Good. Now you no longer have to feel guilty about it. Go back in the archives and find the article I wrote about “forgiving yourself for being human”—I too have hurt people, even people I loved and that loved me BECAUSE I WAS IN SUCH PAIN I STRUCK OUT—I couldn’t fully heal until I FORGAVE MYSELF and quit feeling guilty for the past. You cannot change the past and you can’t change the future, you can only CHANGE TODAY, THIS MINUTE, THIS SECOND. So change TODAY. Just ONE DAY AT A TIME. Make today a good day, forgive yourself because you struck out in your pain.
You are right YOU ARE LETTING HIM “MAKE” YOU FEEL TERRIBLE GUILT. But you CAN STOP THAT. You must take back your power for him to control your feelings. YOU CAN DO IT. YOU CAN DO IT BY JUST “DOING IT”—SAYING IT, BELIEVING IT. As long as you BELIEVE he can control you, he can control you, and the VERY MOMENT YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN TAKE BACK YOUR POWER, You can DO IT. It is all about what you BELIEVE.
I spent time in Africa years ago as a wild life photographer and I have seen people who BELIEVED that a “witch” could put a spell on them and that they would die, do JUST THAT because THEY BELIEVED IT. I do not believe a witch can put a spell on me and make me die, so their “spells” have NO POWER OVER ME. It is all about what we BELIEVE.
God bless you and start TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and you will HAVE POWER. YOUR POWER. TAKE IT BACK!!!! (((HUGS))))
VictimX:
I have nothing to add to the very sage advice you have received already. I just want to point out that your express yourself very beautifully through writing. Keep writing! I hope one day you will be on the other side of this, and maybe you will write a book that will help others.
You have taken the first step in admitting that you want to break the addiction. In my opinion, the next thing to do is to pray, whether you believe in God or not. Pray as if you believed with all your heart that God exists and he/she will help you. Pray for the right supports to come into your life to help you. I wish there were rehab centers for people recovering from sociopaths. But since there aren’t, you will have to create your own personal rehab center. Maybe there is a support group in your area for victims of domestic abuse. And by all means, keep blogging with us!
NO CONTACT!!! I cannot stress this enough.
Hugs,
StarG
It’s amazing. Anyone of you could be me. I felt so alone with this; I am so grateful that I found this site.
I would post my story, but honestly, reading your stories is almost exactly like reading my own. All of you give me the strength I need to get through this. You are all kindred spirits.
DEar Sabinne,
Glad you found this site, and it is a healing place! I’m sorry you “qualify” for membership in our “club” but at the same time, if you qualify then you NEED TO BE HERE….looking back over this older thread, I see the names of people who came here months ago, and are no longer posting here (I don’t know if they are still reading here) and I wonder where they are, did they finally get free of their Ns and Ps and are they still working on learning and healing.
I won’t tell you the road to healing is smooth and bump free, because it isn’t. It is learning about them, and learning about ourselves, and why we allowed them to abuse us for so long. The road to Healing is a fearful place sometimes, and may feel lonely,, but come here and read and learn and when the night seems so dark and you seem so alone, you will know you are NOT alone, and that there is comfort, understanding and support here in this healing place. Welcome! Hope you stay around a while. ((((hugs))))) and God bless you.
Last night I started to write some thoughts directly related to this subject. I’m not sure if this makes sense to anyone else, but I look at it a little differently that just depression. I don’t doubt that depression is part of it all but it seems to me that it’s more about our heads (and reason) catching up with our hearts. That fog is so think in the beginning and nothing NOTHING can clear it but time. Just bear with me for a moment:
Last night I started writing down what I knew about the S/P in the beginning and all the reasons I loved him. He was:
dedicated
loyal
a military hero of sorts
protective
affectionate
desireable
treated me well
took me places
wanted my time
hard working
thought I was beautiful and friendly to all people
Then I wrote down from month five to month twenty…..all the things he did that defy all that I knew about him, all the times he ditched me, abused me, argued with me for silly reasons:
cheated on me several times
lied about military background
told many stories of torture and being a diving and explosives expert….all lies.
he wasn’t protective he was controlling and angry. He threw me out of a hotel room to drive home 3 1/2 hours alone after midnight.
made plans and stood my up often, including flights to several places on vacation. On one occassion he went and took another woman.
left me often for days at a time.
He wasn’t hard working. Everything he has was given to him or won in law suits.
He hated that I was friendly and accused me of sleeping with everyoone I spoke to. In front of my children he called my lesbian friend a dyke, because he was even angry about my relationship with her. He deleted male contacts from my work cell
he was verbally abusive…..and on and on and on.
So you see……all of the negatives should negate all the good things, but they don’t right away. it’s like we wanted so badly to see what we saw initially that our heads are spinning from the farse, the mask, the deceit, that we can’t compehend the gap between the initial person that we want so badly and the abusive, pathalogical lying person. WILL THE REAL SLIM SHADY PLEASE STAND UP?????? Then we beat ourselves up for not seeing it sooner and letting go earlier.
I don’t think it’s so unusual for us to feel all that we do and want what we had and because we want it so badly we made excuses when all the negative stuff occurred. We wanted that guy to go away……..but he never does. It doesn’t matter which is real, they both are, neither are. The bad one is REALLY BAD. We jsut need to realize that earlier next time and not let them cross the good solid boundaries we put in place.
ANd we need to forgive……ourselves.
OxDrover,
Thank you for your support. My family and friends have no idea what this is like. They don’t understand and actually blame me. I know I bear responsibility for allowing something I knew was unhealthy to continue, but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept. I still feel like a stab victim that doesn’t heal. My soul feels like it’s going to bleed out of my body soon.
Today is kind of bad, but not nearly as bad as some days have been. It’s the kind of day that I’m simply too busy to break down. If given the opportunity, I would probably sit and weep in the bathroom again.
I feel like screaming.