The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
Sabinne:
Welcome. You’re in the right place. I came in from the cold 3 months ago.
People here are from all walks of life, gay, straight, men, women, every profession you can think of. So, you can be sure you’ll get some really balanced perspective on things.
If you log onto another post you’ll find that several of us have been advising another member of the club on her filing a complaint with her congressman’s office.
Point is, you don’t need to censor yourself here. Trust me when I say collectively we’ve done it all and seen it all with the sociopaths we had in our lives. Or put it another way, been there, done that, have the T-shirt to prove it.
You may be grappling with how the hell he did this to me? I wrote a post in December entitled “Criminal Defense Attorney Falls for Sociopath”. Other members have told me I wrote the playbook on how these creatures operate. You might find it helpful. Also, read “Without Conscience” and “The Betrayal Bond.”
In any case, read, read, read. Knowledge is power.
And yes, we can all relate to family, friends etc not understanding and blaming us. And yes, we can all definitely relate to feeling like screaming.
Hang in there. It gets better.
Sabinne,
The XS/P also led a double life…..triple maybe. I can relate. When I realized all the lies, it hit me like a ton of bricks. How long since you had contact? I’t been over a year for me.
Thank you all so much. It’s been almost two months since I spoke to him. Let me say that’s not because of him. I actually didn’t ask him to explain anything to me; it would be a lie anyway.
I did ask him if he would agree to stay out of my life. I only asked him for this because he likes to come back over and over to bleed me dry. He would not answer my texts or acknowledge my request in any form or fashion. He also knows that this is like twisting the knife in me by negating my existence and the fact that he has destroyed my life means anything to him, because it doesn’t. He enjoyed all of it. I know because I broke into his voice mail (I wanted to know if there were more women than me and the woman I found). He would keep my voicemails so that he could listen to me beg him to please leave me alone; to set me free. I would delete them and they would be back there the next day. He was enjoying them.
I didn’t know what he was at the time. I couldn’t understand someone who would love to watch another person suffer so much pain. It puzzled me that anyone could do that to a person. I sat down to research the kind of people that lead double lives. I found so much information and eventually, I found all of you.
Knowing what he is helping me, but sometimes it’s so hard to keep going, but I do it. I even forced myself to start dating again. Yes, I know it won’t work, but it keeps me from sitting and crying all night. It distracts me from my pain. It keeps me from smoking (which I’d given up years ago) and from thinking about the same things over and over.
I only want the day to come when I don’t think of him anymore.
Hi Everyone,
I’ve been reading here for at least a year and it’s a healing place. (I have just read the new “Bargaining” article and that’s my life right now, will tell the story later). I just came across this article/thread and started reading the posts and I’m wondering if “kim” is ok. She is the last post in January 08. It seems nothing was said to her and I felt compelled to say to her if she is still reading that it will get better and I hope she is ok and to stay here with us.
Dear Savannah,
There are so many people that come here and post and then “disappear” off the blog and I wonder where they are, and how they are. Some, I am sure, go back to their P to “give it another try” they walk back into the FOG. I imagine there are 1000 “reasons” they never come back here, though some will go away for a while and then come back and say “Hey, I went back, it didn’t work, and I’m back to recover”
I pray for all these people and for their safety and happiness and healing. The road to Healing is a tough road, and it is a lifelong journey, not a destination. At first it is filled with broken glass and deep pits and ruts and mud and stones, but as you traverse the road, it will get smoother, and you have companions here who know the road, to hold your hand and to support you. That’s why LF is such a healing place, the wonderful and supportive and accepting people here.
When the going gets tough, come here—night or day—there is usually someone here who will post back before long. Good for you for being NC and for learning and reading. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER and we have to take back our power.
Glad you are here and thanks for posting!
Thank you, None. I’ll try to keep that in mind.
I honestly can’t see the forest for all the damn trees right now. I try to tell myself that what I feel is normal and that it will not always be like this. Over and over in my head when I start to cry or be upset, I tell myself that it’s not always going to be this way, not always, one day this will stop, one day I’ll wake up and never even think of this again.
It’s how I made it past other difficult times in my life.I sure as hell hope it works this time too.
Sabinne: Keep breathing and knowing that in every exhale you breath out the toxins and in every inhale you breath in your new future.
So many of us have been through something like your experience. No one can know exactly what you are going through, but the sociopaths tend to have similar ways of operating. Because no one prepared us for this, each of us has crawled our way to this website from some place of inconceivable damage.
Hang in there. To feel devastated, overwhelmed, and all those other words, is normal. And this is survivable. And you have found a community that can understand.
Dear Sabinne,
I second what Rune says, and it WILL pass, it just is like the labor of child birth, when you are in labor and in pain, you feel like each second is unbearable and it will never pass, never end, but I promise you it WILL and in the end, if you hang in there and breathe and push, you wil “give birth” to a NEW YOU, a better you, a better life for the future.
Learning about the psychopaths and how they are, and also learning about yourself, why you were vulnerable to the fantasy they presented will help you heal.
If we don’t heal our own vulnerabilities, we end up getting involved with another one, just as I did, and many others here too. We have to keep repeating the lesson until WE GET IT RIGHT it seems. I took “remedial psychopath 101” until I got it right, and I think I have finally at age 62 gotten it right now. I see the PATTERN in them, and the PATTERN in me, why I was vulnerable to them. I was a “slow learner” but you don’t have to be, so hang in there and read and learn.
The people here have all suffered at the hands of these monsters, and we can validate you and support you, cause we have had similar experience(s) in our own life. Thre are people here on every level of the healing road, some just stepped on, and some have “Post Doctoral Studies” and others are in kindergarden, but we all support each other and that’s the great thing in this community. I’m glad you are here.
Rune: This is the best place that I could have ever found. I wish I’d known to look two years ago; I could have saved myself so much trouble. The fact is that I didn’t know what he was. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. Somehow, I have to figure out a way to stop these people or if not stop them, then make a warning system.
Has anyone ever thought about writing Oprah?
Dr Leedom said:
“Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love”
Bingo!
I struggle with this concept a lot. Just putting 2 and 2 together with the help of my therapist. I did not understand that he was a s when I first entered therapy, not much after splitting with the s. I kept thinking how can he be such a monster in my mind? He helped with so many things, unsolicited. The last year of the relationship I barely did anything, he took everything out of my hands. When I did do some stuff, he would correct it or redo it. Then he projected it onto me. He purposly burned thanksgiving dinner that I was preparing and said “you think that I can’t do anything right” Total mind game.
Now that I am on my own, I realize that I am actually better than average to take care of things myself. I can put up shelves, I can patch walls etc…
I think I fell for the unsolicited help of the s is because all my life previous to meeting him I had to do everything on my own. I had no help from my parents or anyone. I probably subconsciously wished that I could have a partner who can sometimes share the burden. The s picked up on this vulnerable aspect of me.