The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
Greenfern:
Exactly! I too had always been the one to take care of business. If you read “Women Who Love Psychopaths,” you find that many of us have the qualities of “natural leaders.” People look to us to solve problems, make decisions, or manage in a crisis.
Some of us had a lifetime of this. And when the S/P showed up with all his/her “confidence” and what looked to us like the counterpoint to OUR nature, we exhaled and let go. We, perhaps for the first time in our lives, relaxed and let someone else take the reins. I know that’s what happened in my case.
I read long ago about a study of successful women and why they had such trouble finding good relationships. The study found that women preferred men just a bit higher than they themselves were in dominance, and the higher up the ladder a woman is, the smaller the sample of available men. That is what made us so vulnerable to these con artists and soul-rapists.
We thought we were getting our soulmates, but what we were getting was our own reflection contained within a hollow shell called the psychopath.
Maybe I should check into that book about Women Who Love Psychopaths.
I am kind of put off by the title. I would rather read a title as Women Who Were Once Involved with a Psychopath and Trying to Put It Behind Them.
But regardless, it might be good reading.
“We were only together for six months, because when the money ran out, he was gone. While I was out of town, he took off, and moved a lot of the possessions (which I paid for) out of the house.
I had to declare bankruptcy, my good credit was ruined, and I lost an apartment that I had paid for – as he convinced me to take out a mortgage on my apartment & he would invest the money for me, and I would get an excellent return on the money.
I was too devastated to pursue the guy in a civil law suit, and am trying to move on with my life – this happened almost 9 years ago, but still remains fresh in my memory as though it were only yesterday.”
I went through a very similar experience 10+ years ago with a man who came recommended by my church’s pastor. My kids adored him until, as you can guess, the day we married and the mask slipped. Cops turned a blind eye to domestic physical abuse and property damage.
He gleefully destroyed my good credit as well as my business (among other things, making impossible promises which I only learned about when customers complained). A civil suit would never have born fruit because he owns nothing of value. I felt doubly victimized being denied help in holding him accountable.
Naturally, my efforts to warn his then-current victim were to no avail. She lost 2 homes and even served time after he planted drugs in her house. Did I ever dodge a bullet there!
I did get caught up in the “why” but eventually decided I’d rather not understand because, not only would it take me down to his level of thinking, it was a waste of my time. Hateful is as hateful does and I am not that.
Though I hardly ever think of him anymore, THE CONTINUING FINANCIAL AFTERMATH PERPETUATES MY EMOTIONAL TRAUMA.
Depression rooted in PTSD is a natural and reasonable response to such an intimate encounter with Satan Incarnate. Major paradigm shift! Could this be why it’s so notoriously difficult to treat or to recover from?
First I gave myself 3 years. Then 5. I thought that volunteering would help until I realized how many people scam THAT system and, among the volunteers themselves, kindergarten never ends.
I made a mistake and though I forgive myself, I must live with the consequences. I no longer pressure myself to “get over it.” After watching CNBC “American Greed” and “House of Cards,” I’m even more OK with staying down until my foxhole is no longer under fire. They’re literally everywhere.
It’s a very validating book.
I’m reluctantly coming to the conclusion that, once a person has been through what we here have been through, there is no “putting it behind you.” You learn so much about yourself, about life, about humanity, about good and evil, that you DO emerge from the experience a new and better person. You can’t forget it, but you can USE it and you can TRANSFORM yourself into something even better.
You can definitely put THEM behind you, though. And the faster you do that, the better.
Greenfern: “Women Who Love Psychopaths” is the book that reassured me that I am OK, and he is not. The research is astounding: those of us who were targeted by these creatures share many qualities, and those qualities are very, very good.
As you read the posts here in the LF community, you see compassion, cooperation, sincerity, concern, responsibility . . . and guess what! That’s WHY they picked us!!! We gave them great cover for their evil deeds. We were trusting and loyal . . .
I found the book to be a major step in my own path to recovery.
Cautionary: I could have written what you said, except my experience was within the past four years, and I walked away two years ago.
You said, “Though I hardly ever think of him anymore, THE CONTINUING FINANCIAL AFTERMATH PERPETUATES MY EMOTIONAL TRAUMA. Depression rooted in PTSD is a natural and reasonable response to such an intimate encounter with Satan Incarnate. Major paradigm shift! Could this be why it’s so notoriously difficult to treat or to recover from?”
I wonder the same. I also watched “House of Cards,” astounded at the breathtakingly accurate portrayal of psychopaths operating in coordinated efforts to destroy what was fine and good. Some days I want to crawl into my foxhole and cover over the entrance, but I still hold out hope that as we educate others, we may be able to ease some of the pain and limit some of the damage. If I had only known then what I know now . . .
Dear Cautionary,
For what it is worth, I have been a serial victim (but mostly members of my own family were the Ps) but I have found that “healing” takes more than a little effort and a lot of work, self examination etc. I “got over” the early devestations but never really healed or examined what it was about ME that made me vulnerable to the next psychopath that came down the pike.
Now I am not only resolving the pain and trauma (PTSD etc) ane the other devestation, but I am coming out of my fox hole, and “locking and loading” my defense mechanisms so that I no longer have to hide in the fox holes of life to avoid being “shot” or “targeted”—-I am putting on some ARMOR of Knowledge, belting it down with GOOD BOUNDARIES and good sense, and walking upright. I can’t fix them, but I can educate myself what it takes to defend yourself from these monster, what it takes to “see” them early on before they hurt you, etc.
That is what LF has done for me, I have opened the wounds and cleaned out the infection, let it drain away with my tears, and the wound is healing all the way to the bone. I will not be a victim again! Knowledge=Power and I am taking back my power. I love, and I trust, but my love and my trust is not given away indiscriminately any more. No matter what the relationship is—did they give birth to me? Did I give birth to them? Doesn’t matter if they treat me with disrespect, I don’t need them. NC FOREVER!
Hello everyone..just letting you know I am still socio free..9 weeks today, cant believe I have done it this long..things been quiet…the odd threat here and there but then two nights ago he began leaving sexually explicit voicemail, saying he was masterbating and wanting me, he said say the word Im there in ten mins,if he wasnt masterbating, he was doing a good impression…the full hit, heavy breathing, erotic language and some down right filth…dont know what to make of it…it was the babys birthday on the 14the he rang and said on way I said dont knock wont answer..and he did just leave a present and a card…the calls came three days later
Muldoon: Keep those barriers up! Good for you. If he calls, don’t bother listening even to the voicemail. You know what it’s about, and you don’t need to hear it.
Education is a seemingly noble goal but, if it worked, the self-help industry would have put itself out of business and the world wouldn’t be facing catastrophe on increasingly multiple fronts.