The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
Cautionary Tale:
“I thought that volunteering would help until I realized how many people scam THAT system and, among the volunteers themselves, kindergarten never ends. ”
ROFLMFAO Boy have I been there! Hang in there. There are decent people in the world.
Personally, I’ve found that since I’ve become assertive and occasionally even cranky, people have been much more well behaved in my presence. Who knew? It seems counterintuitive!
I just found out today that my P has filed harrassment charges against me for some websites that I put up detailing what he is. They weren’t up for very long, in fact I took them down about two weeks after putting them up.
I don’t know what to do. I live in Tennessee and he lives in New Jersey. I don’t have the money to fly up there and come to court. What am I going to do?
Sabinne: Good. Let him take you to court… on his dime. Then you can tell the truth in a court of law … detailing all the ruthless deeds he did to you.
Peace sweetheart. This is great news.
Sabine, the sooner the courts realize they are criminals … that take advantage of us “Joe and Jane Average Citizen” the quicker it should be OUT of CIVIL court into CRIMINAL court were it belongs.
My EX is a criminal. Instead of robbing banks with a gun to be possibly shot by a police officer, the coward dates and marries women and takes us for what we worked for. We are his business.
I wished he’d take me to court. I’d shame all of them by speaking the truth of what this coward did to me.
Peace.
He has me though. He told me I’d never get rid of him until I made him go away and so I did try to make myself a nuisance to him. Everything he has though is just me over and over asking him to let me go. He can’t let go of me, even this is a way of controlling me and forcing me back into his life.
I am a poor student. I can’t afford all of this. Isn’t there a way to ask for a change of venue?
Sabinne:
Criminal law is generally a matter of state law. I’m assuming he swore out the complaint there. With respect to state criminal law cases they can’t be transferred out of state.
That said, I would be highly surprised if he actually got a District Attorney’s Office that would be willing to prosecute a case like this. They’ve got more important things to do than chase someone half-way across the country on a non-violent felony. Are you sure he isn’t just jacking you around?
Most colleges and universities have lawyers on staff that deal with students that have run afoul of the law. I’d go ask the Dean’s Office or STudent Affairs Office what they can do for you.
Also, you said something that I think you need to do a little mental reframing about. You said “just me over and over asking him to let me go.”
I think you need to take you power bac k. Draw a line in the sand and say “I’ve given him his marching papers and not letting him back into my life.” Try it. YOu may find it empowering.
I’m speaking from experience here. I was a basket case by the time I drove m S off. Still don’t know where I found the strength. Best thing I ever did for myself mentally and physically.
Sabinne,
I don’t think you have kids with him, so you’re lucky. I would cut off every avenue that gives him contact with you. Change your phone number and email address and stay off internet forums he is likely to find you at. If he continues to find ways to harass you the police should definitely be involved. As far as his harassment suit against you, will you have to show up in court somewhere? Whatever you do, don’t get emotional. Simply give the facts of what happened and what he did. Give dates and times whenever possible. Present a solid poker face if you have to be around him, and don’t reveal any feelings. This is the best way to deal with a S until you can have total NC.
Look, I know my weaknesses and he was one of them. He told me flat out that he would never leave my life unless I made him. At the time when I was asking him to stay out of my life it was the best thing for me. Otherwise, he’d show up at my door one day, leave notes on my car or start calling me again. I could not live waiting for the other shoe to fall and it would fall someday. I thought if I forced him to give me up or made myself too much of a bother, then he’d gladly give me up.
I was stupid. I didn’t know what he was. I didn’t know how much fun this is for him and that controlling me was such a game for him. Even now that he can’t control my life directly, he’s using this to do it indirectly.
I live in another state and I have to go to court. I can’t even afford the airfare. I’ll have to sell my pearls or something.
Hi Matt, StarG and Sabinne.
Sabinne, I know you’ve only been with us for a short while, but, one thing you will notice in the majority of our blogs is THEY DON’T SPEND THEIR MONEY ON ANYTHING BUT THEMSELVES. So, I don’t seriously if he’d ever hire and attorney, never mind pay the attorney for his time.
Matt, I’m glad you are blogging with us to help with the basic legal advise. You know Matt, I think this venue would be your new career … fighting for our rights.
Peace.
Sabinne. Go out and buy yourself some heavy duty BUG spray.
Keep the can out so every time you look at it, it will remind you of what a PEST he is.
Peace.