The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I’m afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question:
It’s interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds.
We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by victims of sociopathy. Many people who have suffered the loss of a significant intimate relationship ruminate for a long time. As far as I know there are no studies directly comparing victims of sociopaths to widows/widowers and divorced people. The presence of depression definitely increases this rumination in divorced and widowed people. It is highly recommended that people who have suffered loss, and who have sleep and appetite disturbance with excessive preoccupation be considered for antidepressants.
Many things contribute to the depression that is experienced after a relationship with a sociopath. Depression is learned helplessness. Sociopaths increase helplessness in victims by their exploitive care-taking behavior that is disguised as love. I personally experienced at least two examples of this. While I was pregnant, my former husband drove me to work, saying he was concerned about me. Effectively, I didn’t drive or go any where alone for nearly a year. He also ordered lunch for me everyday. These small things add up and increase reliance on the sociopath. Then, when the sociopath is gone, victims have to regain their autonomy.
At the beginning of a relationship, sociopaths determine what a victim’s most sacred dreams are. They then proceed to convince the victim that they are the answer to those dreams. Victims often feel that the sociopath is their dream come true, not realizing that they told the sociopath their dreams and the sociopath then used the information to deceive. No one wants to give up his/her most sacred dream. Sociopaths know this and count on it. This fact makes victims enter a state of denial in order to preserve the illusion that these dreams have come true. When that state of denial is finally broken, depression sets in. The depression is about a feeling of hopelessness that the things wanted most in life will never be achieved.
In addition to depression, anxiety greatly affects adjustment to the loss of a relationship. In the wake of a relationship with a sociopath, victims are often left with financial problems, fear of the IRS and police, no friends and severed family ties. It is no wonder there is massive anxiety here! Our minds are preprogrammed to seek relief from anxiety through our love relationships. Because of this preprogramming, anxiety will increase thoughts of the sociopath. One Lovefraud reader stated recently, “I am learning that if I can reduce the anxiety which is the most uncomfortable thing to live with, then I can focus on moving forward.” The anxiety experienced during the relationship with the sociopath also enhances the psychological bond. I have discussed this in previous posts.
The bottom line is that in order to even begin to recover, you have to overcome depression and anxiety. If you are not able to do this alone please get help. With all the advances in medicine there is no reason to suffer. Also realize that you cannot overcome anxiety and depression without taking care of yourself. Stop smoking, eat a healthy diet, do not drink alcohol. Alcohol will weaken your coping and interfere with your sleep. You also need at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. You also need to find good social support. Social support is the best natural treatment of anxiety there is.
Stargazer
I am really grieving for the loss of that site. There is nothing out there that can replace the friends I have come to know and love for 2 years. I hope I can go back some day.
Wini
I hear you StarG: Maybe, just maybe his computer will crash (LOL) … and he won’t have anyone in his life that is will lend them their computer or buy him a new one (LOL).
Just a thought (LOL).
Peace.
Stargazer
LOL, Wini. I haven’t given up hope on him somehow sabotaging himself. As con artists go, he’s a really stupid one. You know I’d miss this site too if I had to leave.
Wini
StarG: You can always get another handle and log on without anyone knowing it is you. This way, you still get to chat and your EX has no clue it’s you.
Peace.
Stargazer
But I don’t want to see HIM there. That’s the point. If I see him playing my friends, I will want to shoot him.
Wini
StarG: Then pray. That’s all I can suggest. God doesn’t like when these fools prey on his children. That’s the thing … we want instant gratification … but, it’s on God’s time frame … is when God steps in and throws their entire MOs into smitherines. Some times we get to witness it, other times God insures we are sheltered from it. I got to witness what happened to the majority of the game players against us at work. It was incredible. Even my EX couldn’t believe I got to witness all those bosses demotions and early retirements … and told they no longer can be employed there … ever again. As for the managers that got demoted … they no longer can oversee employees. They have a job, but not on a managerial level and absolutely, positively can no longer supervise or manage another to be able to hurt anyone else’s career.
Peace.
Stargazer
Actually, the tactic I’m going to take is to do everything within my power to help the case along. Then I’m going to try to forget about it. I just want him out of my mind. I especially don’t want that slime ball ruining my prayers. I have seen some bad people get their karmic due. But I’ve seen it work the other way too. My parents, for instance, should have gone to prison but they never did. I prayed and prayed as a child for my mother to leave my abusive stepfather. She never did. Sometimes praying has helped, Wini. Sometimes it seems to have fallen on deaf ears, I’m not gonna lie.
Wini
StarG. Just maybe, maybe God had your mom stay with your stepfather for reasons that you will never know. It may NOT have seemed right in your eyes … but there is more to every situation and maybe it would have been worse for both your mom and step dad if they did separate.
Peace.
Stargazer
Wini,
You are saying that things could have been worse if my mother had left the sociopath? I doubt it. She was certainly capable of supporting us on her own. But she is a narcissist and very co-dependent. She would rather be in a bad relationship where her kids were being abused that be without a man. I think you are thinking in terms of normal, loving parents. Mine were not like that.
Stargazer
P.S. I have now had two members of my reptile site emailing and messaging me. Apparently, they are talking about my leaving on one of the threads over there. One of the members told me the bad person hasn’t posted there since the 14th and he thinks it’s safe to come back. I think otherwise. I hear he has a second user name on there with the same IP address. So he is probably pretending he is someone else. This is gonna be hard. I know a lot of people are gonna start begging me to come back. And it will be very tempting. I may be able to use my popularity as leverage to have one of the moderators kick him off the site. It would be great. But I’m not counting on it. Besides, he could always come back under a different IP address. This just sucks. I miss my “family” there so much.