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By | April 25, 2008 126 Comments

ASK DR. LEEDOM: How can I move on?

This week we received the following email. I am sharing it with you because what she reports is very common on a number of levels that I will discuss.

I was married to a sociopath for 25 years. They were horrible years because most of that time I had no idea I was married to a sociopath. I was deeply in love when we met. He told me everything I wanted to hear. Knowing all my weaknesses and fears he fed them, made me totally emotionally dependent on him. He helped me get great jobs, pumped me up so I would keep making more money, while of course he lived off me. But at the same time kept telling me I was ugly, fat, sickly. He had affairs. All of this and I still kept hoping he would change and someday really love me. He even encouraged me to do some illegal stuff — which I did — just to make him happy.

Twenty five years and when I finally couldn’t take it any more I left (8 months ago) Thought that was the end of it — but I actually kept worrying about him. He didn’t have a job or enough food to eat.

Well, he had used my computer one day when he was visiting and his email site was left on. I got curious and started reading his emails. He had been seeing other women, started relationship while he was still with me, telling them the same things he had always told me — but what I found most hurtful was that he was talking to these women about me in derogatory ways. That I was a psycho, unattractive, that I didn’t inspire him to do anything, etc. In many ways, this should have been good. Had I not seen that with my own eyes I would have never believed that my husband of 25 years who told me every day that he loved me more than life itself was bad mouthing me to these other women. I feel such anger and hatred in me that I know is not healthy”¦but I don’t know how to let it go.

I cut off all communications with him, but I still check into his emails. It’s like watching a soap opera — I’m hooked on this and don’t know how to stop. Every day when I see a new email where he’s dragging my name through the mud, it just makes me feel like crap. Even though I know he’s heartless and I should just not care what he says — I do. This is the man I slept next to for 25 years. I’m 58 years old and I can’t even think of starting a new relationship with all this distrust and hatred in my heart. How in the world would I ever trust another man? The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.

Is there any hope that I could ever get over this? I just don’t know how to move forward.

First of all 25 years is a long time to spend with another person, might as well be a lifetime. To come to grips with that, a person has to focus his/her attention on all the other things he/she did and accomplished during that time period. Usually the relationship was not the only part of life. Since the outcome was so bad the mind naturally wants to focus the attention on the bad and recovery means fighting this natural tendency.

Second, worrying about the sociopath is extremely common. Again overcoming this means focused attention. Attend to what this says about you. You are a person who cares and naturally worries about those you have loved. Just because you have a feeling does not mean you have to act on it.

The third issue, spying on the sociopath. I have seen that behavior a great deal so don’t feel you are unusual because you do this. I have also observed that the spying is often linked to anger, as is difficulty letting go.

Why would spying, anger and difficulty letting go be linked? I think this relates to a need for power and mastery over the situation. How many times have victims said, “I just didn’t want him/her to win”? I think recovery starts with admitting that we “lost” and the sociopath “won.” In the same breath though we have to question what the “prize” for winning was. If we don’t go on with our lives and recover, we give the sociopath a real prize!

The fourth issue is trusting again. That will come with recovery, but perhaps the trust for others will always be different. I will say that evil people tend to capture our attention. Some studies show that the good has to outweigh the bad 4 times in order for good to capture as much attention as bad. Evil men are much more visible in society, so make it a point to focus your attention on the loving empathetic men you know. This is difficult for many women who are attracted to power because they do not find less powerful men very attractive.

I would rephrase, “The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.” To the duplicity of every man I focus my attention on… I am working on a book, both discussing love and empathy in men and telling the stories of men who have been victimized by sociopathic women. I am doing this to help both men and women realize that loving behavior is the norm for men. We just attend to evil/powerful men more, the loving man goes unnoticed. He is invisible to us.

That gets me to recovery and some tough advice. Recovery takes a great deal of work and self discipline. In order to have the mental discipline you will need to stop reading the emails and move on, you have to work on your physical health. If you are out of shape, smoking and/or using alcohol, you may have great difficulty recovering. The part of the brain that is responsible for will power and impulse control is easily affected by poor health andxiety and lack of sleep. Start with a total health program. That program will go a long way toward lifting anxiety and depression. Keep a healthy diet and exercise every day. I would really like us to have a virtual exercise club and I put up Fit and Smart for that purpose. On that web site you will find a free program to help structure your exercise routine.

Fill your free time with activities that build you up mentally and spiritually. Build yourself up mentally by reading and perhaps taking a class. Build yourself up spiritually by volunteering or participating in a spiritual community. If you do all these things, you will have the health and strength to focus your attention where it needs to be. The writing of M. Louise Gallagher may be an inspiration to you.


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Great advice Dr. Liane.

I am still working on parts of recovery. The “total health” part is key.

I noticed my health went downhill for awhile…I am now trying to get back to basics.

It is about control, win/lose….and you’re right there’s no win for us…b/c normal people don’t play their game. I will say I had a bit of justice and you know what- while it was appropriate and fair- I didn’t feel necessarily better. Even now more confirmation they are a psycho…doesn’t console.

I just have to work on mving on, and in my case it’s from a life-long pattern of tolerating abuse. Not easy.

Just yesterday though I went to one of those “forced socialization”events at work– we weren’t required, but I was hungry so I dropped in…a game of bingo lifted my spirits. Just fun with no “games.”

gennyrabbit

i logged into xS’s email too. i wanted to find his location from the ip adress. i also changed his password. somehow he got back into it. i wonder how.

i guess i still have to keep trying and do the things like dr. leedom described. but one thing i struggle with is my sense of normalacy. i feel that he devastated it. for everthing i knew and believe he put his twisted stamp on it and now it is as if it that opinion and informtion are lost.

genny:

that sense of normalcy comes and goes for awhile. it’s still like that with me, only i have weeks of fine and then a few days of crap, usually. by crap, i mean the sense that i am not quite the same woman i always was.

thankfully, i learned the last time, time will take care of this issue. in those years apart, you return fully to your whole, strong, healthy self.

just make sure those years apart don’t end in a reunion and all will be fine!!

Ox Drover

Without trying to “over simplify” moving on, I think it is the absolute “grief process” just like when someone DIES. The emotions are the same, denial, sadness, anger, bargaining, self blame, and finally acceptance.

If anything is “different” it is that BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT DEAD, physically, we have more trouble getting out of the denial part, then we get stuck–if you have a coffin, and a “funeral” you at least get some “closure” in that you know that NOTHING YOU DO WILL BRING THEM BACK, but with a “living death” it isn’t so quite cut and dried and I think that makes it worse for US.

I’ve sort of made my own “funeral” for the Ps…by realizing that the P-Man is NOT my “baby boy”–the baby boy is DEAD.

The P-XBF is not the man and never was the man I imagined him to be, and the X-DIL I never liked from the first, I sensed that she was deceptive and she went to great lengths not to blend into our family, so I didn’t lose an “affectionate” DIL that I loved and trusted. With the Trojan Horse P, I guess I am somewhat “emotionally involved” with him, in trying to influence the parole board to keep him incarcerated for the duration of his sentence instead of let him out before that on parole….but at the same time, on that one I “rationalize” or “justify” that in my own mind at least by the fact I am afraid of him.

My “P-by-proxy” mother I’m dealing with with very limited contact and am getting to the point that I can have “emotional NC” even if the physical NC is not absolute. I realize that she sees ANY contact as potential for re-opening a “relationship” at some point, but I DO NOT WANT THAT, have no desire for one. Business only. I can deal with that pretty well.

In dealing with the grief process with those people I loved who died, it has always taken me one to three years to fully “complete” that grief process, a little less with my stepfather because we knew he was dying 18 months before he did, and both he and we went through the majority of the grief BEFORE he died, together. That was kind of a “new” way of grieving for me, as all other deaths in our family had been rather sudden, without any warning. The suddenness seemed to me to make them worse in dealing with the grief.

The physical exercise, and the other healthy changes we can make in ourselves do indeed, I think, help with coping with the grief process. Also, as long as we realize that the coping, the healing, and going through the process is not linear, but back and forth from one stage to the other, over and over, so that we don’t think as we back step a bit that we are “losing” or not advancing in the healing process.

In many cases I think when the “chaos” has been going on for months and years, and the stress level for us during those times was HIGH AND LONG, we suffer physical ills as well as emotional woes that cause a cornucopia of problems that we must deal with in order to heal. The “fighting off the alligators in order to drain the swamp” becomes a way of life, so anything we can focus on besides the 100 small alligators attached to our back sides at one time will help. LOL

gennyrabbit

“9. Know that by being so critical and harsh about myself, is being self-abusive and not loving. Break the cycle”

i like that one the most, free.

it’s weird. recently i hve been thinking about S more.

after he left we were still ‘together.’ so the communication would effect me. i didn’t miss him. the thought of being with him turned my stomach. then i cut him off. i had so many relationships after him. it distracted me. i wonder if i partly did that in order to forget him more… there was a lot of drama. now i am mainly alone so i am thinking about him more maybe?

eyeswideshut

Free and all,

I would like to add that being alone right now to me has become a LUXURY! On my good days it is blissful, and on my bad days, at least I am not in full view for others to judge.

Gong into my marriage I had always feared being alone, and had spent 9 years as a single mom, was a latch key neglected kid growing up etc, so being alone felt like FAILURE it equalled +nobody loves me.

After 27 yrs,. with my P/S/N I turly learned how to be devestatingly alone. He was there but not present, he said the words but didn’t deliver the feeling. And yet i lied to myself – right along with him.

Now I am content and unlonely. Fortunately I have support from good friends and family (few but precious) and many many interests and talents, which I developed when I had the luxury of time when I was alone in my marriage. During the last 8 yrs, I withdrew to other interests, outside myself interest, became an activist on issues that were imrtant to me, met new people, studied new areas of knowledge, learned to paint and so on.

As bitter as I may be presently about my relationship, I did have that luxury of time, even tho’ all through that time I felt incredibly abused by constant stress from how he chose to run our life, and terribly vulnerable as he had cut me off from my roots and made sure I had no access to financial freedom.

The things I taught myself then are valuable now and help me feel “okay” with solitude for the first time in my life. The most satisfying of those was getting involved with causes that helped others, there are so many. By focusing intellectually on problems bigger than my own I think I slowily developed the courage to say “BASTA’.

I still regress and slip back into emotional shakiness, but am hanging on to the idea that like quitting smoking, these relapses will become less frequent with time.

I wonder if any of you can comment on what to do about the ambient abuse. My P is heavy on that at the moment, with my kids and friends etc. He is only saying nice things about me I am told. Like how much he “worries” about me because he cares so much. Nice things like he doesn’t really think I will be happy where I am, and he worries about that..you get my drift.

I shocked a mututal friend the other day who communicated some of this by saying “I know for a fact that he does not give a rat’s ass about me”.

But still, words like hysterical, emotionally unstable etc. are being bandied about (with reference to me) I can’t treat these people to the “potted plant” method because they are innocent and I love them.

Do any of you have good ways to handle this kind of situation, to calmy validate yourself without seeming vindictive?

Especially when it comes to my kids (adult men), it is so painful to see him working them to see him as the victim.

This is in the context of me having recently taken legal action that set some boudaries and gives me some measure of protection, so he is lashing out to hurt me whereever he can. And he is very smooth and rational sounding and convincing when he makes the effort. If I counter any of this with the truth, of what he really is, well of course I seem the disordered one. Aaaagggghhhhh!!

I guess that is why during times like this we need to be our own best company! ; . )

Warrior

I agree with Free; thoughts of the Thief come to mind more readily when I am struggling with a new phase in my growth. I now consider him a “guard dog” to the things that are necessary for me to deal with in order to grow. The guard dog does not want us to get beyond the gate, so we have to come up with our own tricks to get beyond it. I carry my own strength as a “treat” and when that doesn’t work, I get a big “stick” and push on.

Ox Drover

Free,

I totally agree with you about the thinking if we are “on our own”—having time to spend only with “ourselves” is threatening sometimes as there is no one there to distract us from the things we DON’T want to think about (face).

Becoming the kind of person that WE enjoy quiet time alone with is a challenge sometimes. Being a hermit because you don’t like people or are fearful of people is one thing, but quiet contemplative time alone with yourself, your own thoughts, I think is necessary to fully develop ourselves. If we don’t enjoy spending time with ourselves, who else would? If you love spending time with those you love, why WOULDN’T you love spending time with yourself in quiet conversation?

Warrior, that is a great analogy about the “guard dog”–and yes, they do NOT want us past the gate. LOL

Fran

I have read on this site that people have moved on from their experiences with a sociopath. I wonder if these people feel that they have totally forgiven the people who took advantage or abused them? In my church, they define forgiveness as restoring a relationship to what it was prior to the offence. Is that possible with a sociopath? I recently listened to a series of lectures presented at my church about forgiveness. They mentioned the story of Joseph. His brothers were so jealous and hateful that they trapped him in a ditch, sold him as a slave and then told their father that he had been eaten by a wild animal. Years later”Joseph rose to power and he ran across his brothers. He was totally forgiving of what his brothers did to him years earlier. He said something like, “you acted with evil intent, but God allowed it to happen for my benefit” Hearing this was helpful to me. My ex has mistreated me with evil intent, but maybe God allowed it because he knew it would make me a better person.
I wonder if Joseph would have been so forgiving if he had not risen to power. What if he stayed in prison for the rest of his life? What if his brothers did not come to him with atonement in their hearts, but with additional plans to do him harm? What would Joseph have done then? Moving on and forgiveness is hard because sociopaths are not the norm. It doesn’t seem that what I hear about moving on and forgiveness will work for me”or should it and I’m just really that stuck? I feel I must maintain as little communication as possible with my ex for my own protection”.(not physically, but emotionally) but this is not how the typically divorced couple, who has truly forgiven each other, would behave.
I think, since attending this lecture series, that I will be able to forgive people who have misjudged me based on what they have been told by my ex. These people really don’t know what they are doing. If they knew the truth they would not act unkindly toward me. They are acting on what they believe to be true. I really feel I can let this hurt go, but it is different with my ex because he does know what he is doing. He knows exactly what he is doing and the ill effects it will have on me and our children”so forgiveness is not coming easy. I wonder how other readers deal with this?

Fran,

Please google “Narcissists suck” this blogger is a Christian who may help you understand. Read her many entries.

Ox Drover

Dear Fran,

I am a Christian and I grew up with the “definition” of forgiveness as “restoring the relationship to what it was before”–if fact, just “pretending it never happened” even if the other person didn’t repent, etc.—now wait a minute! What is wrong with this picture?

Find me the example in the Bible where Jesus or one of the Apostles told us to do that? Reading from cover to cover I cannot find such a command or even an example.

Jesus said from the cross, “Father forgive them, they KNOW NOT what they do.” Ok, I can accept that you might interpret that to mean that if someone unintentionally hurts you that you would not be angry at them.

To me “forgiveness” is not about “restoring the relationship” but about getting the bitterness out of your own heart–whether you are a Christian and believe that God commands that or whether you are an unbeliever. Forgiveness=cleansing your own heart of bitterness does not, to me, either as a Christian or as a person, mean I have to let that person repeatedly and without care or repentence continue to abuse me.

Where Paul was talking to Christians and telling them how to treat an erring brother (fellow Christian) he said, first go to them and talk about the problem privately. If they would not listen, go with witnesses, and if they still would not repent and change their ways, then treat them like a heathern (i.e. shun them completely) but the purpose of this was stated as to hopefully make them see the error of their ways. Shunning is No Contact.

Of course sociopaths, especially ones who pretend to be Christians or even just “good people” will enlist others in a smear campaign against to, or even convince them to persecute you as well. The Bible is filled with referneces to people who pretended to be “holy” and were evil (reread the passage about Jesus and the Pharisees) these were referred to by Jesus as “whited tombs”—whitewashed and beautiful on the OUTSIDE and filled inside with rotteness of dead mens bones. If that isn’t a great definition of a sociopath I never read one!

These same Pharisees incited the crowd to call for the crucifiction of Jesus and the release of a murderer. They used the typical “smear campaign” against Jesus because they knew that HE KNEW what they were—EVIL. Very typical sociopathic behavior.

When Jesus asked God to forgive “them” from the cross, I think the “them” was the public, the soldiers, etc. because they truly didn’t know what they were doing, but the Pharisees DID know. Just like psychopaths/sociopaths KNOW what they are doing is WRONG, they just don’t care.

The natural human emotion of wishing vengence upon your enemies can lead us off down the path of bitterness and hatred, which is not where we want to go, any of us.

I just finished rewatching the Star Wars series, and where Yoda talks about the “Dark side” and cautions Luke from the anger that leads that way, I think it is good advice for us all. I think about 99% of the things I have done wrong or thought wrong in my life have been done when I was angry. Anger is a natural emotion, and even Jesus was angry at evil behavior and thought—but anger that is nursed and stroked becomes UGLY, and makes the holder ugly. Jesus’ advice to “be angry and sin not” is good advice for everyone, believer or not.

Once I realized that “forgiveness” is an ACT not a squishy feeling, just like “love your enemies and do good to those that persecute you” doesn’t mean that you have to have a squishy feeling for those people, but simply, “don’t plot revenge” and if you encounter them, act NICE not mean, don’t seek revenge.

Letting go of the anger, the hate, and actually forgiving them, to me is FOR ME, not for them. Letting go of that makes ME a better person, a happier person, and keeps me from letting that anger at them drag me down, and rot me from the inside out.

I will leave them for God to deal with. That doesn’t mean I won’t seek JUSTICE WITH THE LAW, that is not revenge, but JUSTICE. I can’t go kidnap them and lock them in a private dungeon (that is revenge) but I can encourage the LAW to keep them in prison.

In fact, since this whole latest episode of psychopathic chaos, my spirtual and Christian life has taken a whole new turn for the better since I came to look at the requirements for “forgiveness” in a whole new light. Being told all my life that “forgiveness meant that we had to pretend it never happened” had held me back in my spiritual walk.

Please, I need help. This is my second day of NC, and I’m a total wreck.

I kept contact with the P in order to get my money back from him and because it was difficult to move without any closure. However, I realized that it was a terrible idea.

On Friday, when I spoke to him he stated “your money is on the way, you’ll get it by the end of May. Then we need to discuss other issues.”

I don’t want to discuss other issues with this devilish man. I want to move on with my life. But, it’s very difficult.

NC is the way, but it’s difficult. I’m constantly thinking about him and all the lies.

Ox Drover

Dear Bookworm,

(((((Bookworm)))))) I wish I could reach out with a real life hug, but please do know that people here care, and have been through pretty much what you feel now.

I do hope you get your money and your closure, but many times we have to forget the money and make our own closure, and that is just the FACTS and the TRUTH. We have to accept what we can’t control. AS FRUSTRATING AS IT IS.

He may use the “carrot” of holding out getting your money back (or as Aloha says “the S#iT COVERED CARROT”) as a lure to keep you talking to him. Oh, they know all the tricks to dangle before us to keep us coiming back so they can torture us some more.

In fact, I just thought about an old story that is typical P behavior.

Back in the days of the Inquisition a man was in prison in the dungeon, Knowing that he was going to be executed by being burned at the stake. The Inquisitors (all Psychopaths) sent a friend of the prisoner’s to him with a story of impending rescue. The prisoner’s friend said “Don’t worry, I have a FOOLPROOF way to get you out of here, you will be rescued.”

Well, the Prisoner got his hopes up that he would not be burned at the stake, he trusted his friend who told him the rescue was coming the next day. After the news of the impending rescue scheduled for the next day, the P-Inquisitor comes back and says, “Well, prisoner, we have decided to cut off one of your limbs before we burn you at the stake, you decide which one and the axe man is right outside.”

The prisoner is unhappy about this turn of events, but says to himself, “well, I know my friend will rescue me from death tomorrow, and I am right handed, so I can life with only one hand, so I will choose to have my left hand chopped off.”

The axeman enters and chops off his left hand.

The next day when time for the rescue comes, there is no one showing up. The p oor prisoner is downcast and totally distraught as he had counted so much on his friend. The next day the friend comes back to visit and says, “Well, our attempt failed, but we have another FOO PROOF plan for tomorrow night…”

And then dance goes on, with each succeeding limb being
chopped off until there is nothing but a torso left—and of course that gets burned at the stake.

We fall prey to the “P-friend” promising us “rescue” from the pain, promising to return our money, TOMORROW, but in the meantime, we get a limb chopped off, and repeat until there is NOTHING LEFT OF US. We are made to suffer over and over by having our hopes raised and smashed repeatedly, being betrayed over and over and over, when they have no intention of keeping their promises. They aren’t content to just “burn us at the stake” but want us to emotionally suffer before hand at the potential for “rescue” being dashed over and over.

Dear dear Bookworm, EXPECT the worst from the P, and realize that HE IS THE LIE, he WILL LIE, if you get your money it will be a MIRACLE FROM GOD, and if you get closure it will be what you MAKE YOURSELF. I know this may not make you feel better right now, but knowing what to expect, will in the end make it easier. I think that getting BLIND-SIDED by my Ps made it worse for me. It kept up my HOPE of “rescue” a lot longer than it might have gone on otherwise. It was only after my last “limb” was chopped off that I realized the “truth” that they were going to thow what was left into the fire.

((((Bookworm))))))

alohatraveler

Dear Bookworm,

Would it help you to remember that we all felt this way and that nothing but No Contact helped us to move forward with our lives.

Your money may or may not be on it’s way. I don’t remember how much it was that you were waiting for. I do hope you get it… but more important is to get your soul back from the soul sucker.

From us: If you stay No Contact, your soul is on it’s way back to you.

Accepting that someone is a sociopath is helpful as well. When you start to realize their behavior is predictable and out of the books, perhaps you can stop hoping for it to be different.

It’s the hope that it will be different, I think, that keeps people circling, not letting go, and stuck. Think of it as a scinetific concept… gravity works in the same way every day and we don’t hope for something different all the time.. unless we are talking about our sagging boobs… (had to say that… sorry). We accept how gravity works and we don’t give it another thought.

Here’s to the day when you get there in your mind. You are one day closer to healing… don’t go back.

XO Aloha

Ox Drover

DEar Bookworm,

I hope today’s new sun has brought you a night of sleep and peace, a new start in your healing. Aloha’s so right NO contact is the ONLY way. If you must do contact re:the money, do it through aan attorney, or e mail, or as LITTLE contact as possible, for example e mail rather than phone call, phone call rather than face to face.

But don’t hang on to the HOPE, because the HOPE that he will do right, care, not lie, etc. is pretty slim and hanging on to that hope will dash your spirit when it turns out to have beel FALSE HOPE—at least if you expect the worst, you won’t be disappointed, and if you get the best, you will be happily suprised.

(((hugs)))) and prayers for your healing. OxD

OxDrover, Aloha:

Thank you very much for everything. I’m taking it one day at a time. It’s very difficult to deal with someone who is devoid of compassion, remorse, feelings, etc.

Truly, I dealt with the devil.

I’m very grateful for this blog, and the kindness of its members.

Again, thanks.

DDMore

I read this and cry; I too was married to a psycopath for 25 years; and everytime I get away; he charms his way back into our lives; I can’t take it; and I am finally learning that NO CONTACT; is the ONLY way; any suggestions would be greatly appreciated; as today is day one; and I am itching to call him; as sad as that sounds. that’s reality.

peggywhoever

Bookworm, DDMore:

NC IS the ONLY way to healing, the ONLY way to self-realization, the ONLY way to freedom, peace, and love. Contact with a S will keep you in a state of perpetual bondage, enslaved to a fantasy-person, to a dream that will never come to fruition, a life of illusion. NC is difficult at first, but it does become easier with time. You will develop a new pattern, a life without him. Many years a go, a friend told me, “dreams die hard”. And it is so true. The path to truth is sometimes a bumpy one, with peaks and valleys, but each step you take will enrich your life. You will unravel the puzzle of him, the truth will be self-evident, you will no longer be wrapped up in a mind-spinning fabrication of reality. Come here, read, and learn. We recognize your pain, we have felt the same gut-wrenching, sickening, mind-boggling pain you feel.

Blessings to you both for a new, healthy, and enriched life. You deserve it.

Ox Drover

Dear DDmore and Bookworm,

I don’t know why your posts aren’t registering, but contact Donna directly and she will get it straight ASAP.

Glad you are here, sorry you need to be here, but this is a healing place if you need it, and sounds like you two do need it. There are lots of articles and good advice as well.

NO contact is THE ONLY way, and yes, it is hard, you want to TELL them how badly they have hurt you, but the problem is you can’t get through, they can’t understand, even if they cared. It is sad to say we have all been sucked into the FOG and the ONLY way any of us got out was NO contact.
My family is FILLEd with Ps and until I No Contacted the LAST Psychopath, there wasn’t any healing could take place.

Each day is another step toward freedom, the chains of pain and bondage will start to fall off, and somtimes it will be scary, because when you have been in a cage for so long, going out into the world free is a scarry thing, but we are ALL so strong if we will just accept our own strength and nurture it. ((((Hugs)))) God bless, and you wil be in my prayers tonight.

eyeswideshut

Hello all, I asked a wise lady I speak to, how do I let people know to stop trying to fix? to help me understand how much he ” cares” etc, the well intentioned friends who can’t possibly get it? Her answer was, just let them know that ” everyday I am away from him, I am a little bit better”

Sounds simple, is simple. But very hard to live by. I have changed my locks, I have gone e-mail on business only, but I still check my e-mail every two hours. And when there is no post, there is a little tiny thing missing. I still am addicted to him possesing me. There is a tiny bit left of me, that wants him to want to own me. There I said it. And I will learn to overcome it. But it is there. Right now I am playing a game, of independance, but I want it to matter to him. And of course it never has.

Peace to all.

I’m reading everything on this blog. I’m glad to be here. I’m not going to ask about my money anymore. No more contact! It’s going to be rough. But, I’m ready.

Please, pray for me everyone. I will keep you posted on my NC.

Thanks, everyone. This is a healing place for me.

alohatraveler

DDMore,

I really can’t imagine what it would be like to be married to s Psychopath for 25 years. That is a lifetime to spend with someone and I am SURE it would be hard to go 100% NC. From my limited experience, NC was the only way for me. In my case, he didn’t try to hard to reach me once I moved away but the little contact we had was ALWAYS painful and NEVER what I needed and he was NEVER able to be there for me emotionally at all. After these interactions, I felt even more depleted… think negative numbers. In other words, I came out of it having lost more. It turned out to be better to trudge through whatever I was going through without reaching out to him. They are emotional black holes and you wouldn’t want to fall back in, now would you? In time, the pull will not be as strong. But for now, you have probably had some bad conditioning and are used to not having your needs met… I am doing a lot of guessing here… but still.

Anyway, maybe another reader that has put in as much time as you and gone NC can speak up. Anyone?

jules

peggywho; and every one else, i am no contact about two months. i was wanting to know does no contact hurt the s path and if it does why? I am total nc not even any, i do struggle and sometimes i wish i knew just what he was doing even without talking or contact he is with someone else now i think. I just would like to know what affect it has on them i know its doing me a great deal of good.i would love some input to this question if anyone has some. i dont think of him often anymore but this question of how nc affects them comes up in my mind often. ps if your just going to say it doesnt matter what affect it has on him please dont respond. i am sure it must have some affect on them. i know it does not matter but i would like to know for my own knowledge.thanks my thoughts with you all.

peggywhoever

Jules:

My S doesn’t seem to care one way or another since NC (4 months ago). None. Zero. The only thing he has done regarding inquiring about me is that a very good friend of mine works for him, and she said he asks if she has spoken to me and what I have said. But this is definitely NOT because he cares about me, but only because he is so unethical and involved in illegal activities including embezzling, tax fraud, money laundering, etc., and he knows I have discovered this and he is worried about whom I have shared this information with. (He lived with me for 3 years and I also thought he was my best friend.) (Incidently, he is poisoning this friendship as she has said she can’t talk to me right now…because of his character assassination of me I’m quite certain. And this woman knows me VERY well, and knows I am an extremely candid person). It never ceases to amaze me how charming he is, and how he twist reality even with people who have known me or years, and before they knew him!

He has moved on to the woman (less than a month after our split) that has her house on the market with a contingent sale to purchase him (them) a million-dollar-plus home. I DO know what my S is doing, and it hurts and sickens me. Sometimes, truly, ignorance is bliss.

Unless they have an agenda regarding you, a reason or purpose that you can DO something for them (now or in the future), they have no use for us. We are a disposable diaper, and of no consequence to them.

Personally I don’t believe ANYTHING hurts the S (or the closest to “hurt” would be loss of money, power and/or control) and everything is about winning the game. They form no emotional attachments whatsoever, and do not “miss” us as we miss them. Because they do not “feel” love, they don’t “feel” the pain of a break-up or the need to have closure and understanding, as we do. We are interchangeable and the next victim will fill their needs without a backwards glance (or thought) of us.

I’m fairly confident your S is with someone else, sorry I don’t mean to hurt you with this knowledge, but they seem to move on very quickly and have no grieving period as we do…no feelings. Just another victim, another (or the same) game. As Liane says, the only effect it would probably have is their loss of power over losing a possession. I don’t believe we have any more value than a house, a car, or a job…they don’t have any personal, emotional investment with us. Think of it as trading in one car for another, or changing from one cell phone carrier to another. We are of no emotional significance whatsoever (to a Sociopath) IMHO.

Unfathomable.

I agree Dodged- they don’t care at all. Other than the joy of duping and power….they have no emotions.

Mine admitted this is few times- but who believes that? You think they’re scared, scarred, defensive……nada….mine claimed he loved his kids only- I don’t believe that for a moment….as he also admitted he uses them to attract women.

He drives recklessly with them and has on numerous occasions disregarded their needs- to the point he could not in any real way care for them w/o extended family.

Sociopaths USE everyone. And we do not exist if we are not needed- I saw him blow off someone he knew because they were just visiting and served no purpose as they were not local anymore. Another example- is if he wasn’t sexually involved with a woman..she didn’t matter….I mean he’d make plans to pick someone up from the airport and just fail to show….the sex-driven behavior was his explanation.

It is a relief to know they are sub-human, but heartbreaking too.

Bookworm,

I didn’t get your whole story, but did catch that you were holding out for money and closure. Sounds oh so familiar.
When I found out the S was HIV positive, all I wanted was for him to tell me the truth. To show some sign of remorse, guilt, something, anything- that might reflect that he had an ounce of conscience, or that he did care. Because I didnt want to believe that he could do that- that he could care so less about me- than to expose me, then basically laugh in my face about it. I held onto that ‘hope’ for long after words. I prayed and prayed. He actually owed me some money too….but that was the last of my worries really. Needless to say, I never fot the ‘truth’, and I never got my money. I have only gotten this far in my healing thru NO CONTACT. As bad as I wanted to confront him, smash his face in, and even feel like I wanted to ‘kill’ him…..I have restrained myself. After I learned that ANYTHING I say would be used against me, or would be responded to with manipulation and word salad, I simply had to give up. Walk away.

The only closure I’ve gotten is finding out he is a sociopath, or at least suffers from ASPD……that’s why he did what he did, and that’s why he lied about it, and that’s why he’ll never accept any responsiblity for it.

Once I accepted that, it became easier. It’s hard to realize that you had so much emotion tied up into someone that’s incapable of experiencing the same thing. Even if he did contact me to express any type of remore, it would have to be feigned…because what’s done is done. If he felt sorry for it, he would have never lied to me about it. The truth is he doesnt care. He only cares about getting away with it….that’s why he continues to deny it.

rperk6069

Jules-I always wondered that also, does he have feelings, does he hurt and why. In my case, he would always say “That hurts my feelers” (yes, feelERS). It drove him crazy when I changed my number and he could not contact me. Like he lost his blanket, he didn’t want it…he just wanted to know where it was at all times…control.

He would call and say how much he missed me, missed this or that, but only when his other girlfriends were unavailable. Yes, for awhile I fell for this not knowing what was going on.

I think he feels, or tries to feel (he conjures up false emotions so he can be as realistic as possible) but only when he wants or needs something from me…sex, to talk, a ride, ect.
Fortunatley I have been away from him for over a year but from time to time, I wonder…then I remind myself that even if he did have any feelERS, they are only there to benefit him and to use the person/s he is with at the time.

Bookworm (love your name…I’m one, too!) I will pray for you and hope that your NC is going well. Hang in there!

Holehearted-

Don’t feel too bad I just read in a clinical article ( I am addicted to reading on psychopaths) that professionals believe they can help them- there is a contingency who thinks they are redeemable–notably the author mentioned the fact the professionals admitted to wanting the challenge, the thrill (versus the boredom of working with “worried well) that fact hit me.

Psychopaths do enchant, they are challenges…puzzles….but empty like those presents put under decorator trees.

I am finally behind the curtain and can honestly say….I don’t want anymore of the show.

I suggest you read more about psychos….there isn’t anything there…save man breasts : )

They are shells–they suck us dry because they are so empty. The good we see is our own projections.

oh Man does this post and all the comments HIT HOME.

He built me up to make money to take care of him.

All while he took shit jobs making $10 an hour and then stealing from his employers and getting fired and denying it.

He paid his part of the rent, but took it back each day $20 here $30 there. He crashed all his cars, blew his settlement money. Abandoned potentially money making businesses he invested time and money in.

I have spied, tapped into emails, pretended to be him on IM’s, seen pics of him screwing his new love == now his “wife.” I have done all of it…. and for what…? To learn a truth I always knew… there is something wrong with him… and with me.

It does feel like a death…. he was my “kitty” and my “kitty” is gone. It is aweful. I call him and he treats me like crap because he has a new love and a new person he can “build up” while he lives in a welfare motel, doing whatever.

Ugh…. and I miss this??? this whacko thief, liar, felon, fat loser with man-breasts? I love him I say… I miss him he is cute in the face with gorgeous blue eyes. I am torn apart by my own split.

He just got a tooth pulled at 29…. the first of many that will be going because he never took care of them.

I feel bad for him, I miss him, I hate him, I love him, I never want to see him again and I want him back all at the same time.

There are plenty of men who like me, good kind men with jobs and homes and lives and a sense of humor… but I want HIM back. still WHY!!!?????

I have since gotten a great job, a new apartment, and am picking up my new car on Thursday – shiny white, corolla great on gas…. everything I wanted. I did it all on my own!

But it still feels empty without him.

I still feel he is happier than I am with his new love… who is young and cute (and alcholic and addict and bulemic etc)

What is wrong in my head?

He would call to use me too… he would say he is hungry and has nothing to eat, he needs a ride or to do his laundry. I would feel guilty in one breath and the next tell him to call his whore wife to cook dinner for him. Oh she can’t because she is still living with her parents!

He used the tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow chopping off limb by limb thing with me too. Promises dead on his lips.

He’s a sick man with no hope of ever becoming anything and so he must tear down everyone around him.

He even said he is so upset that NOW i go an get my own apartment instead of living with a roommate, and NOW i have a better job and NOW I get a new car. He wanted me to get all those things when he was with me so he could have them. he wanted to marry me so whatever I made he would get half. That was his plan.

And he is doing this to his present “wife.” She works hard to pay off his suspended license fines to get his license back, to buy a car, to get an apartment eventually. She even paid for their cheapo – go to justice of the peace in jeans and sneakers and an old red dress wedding.

Meanwhile he has no job, no education, no car, and lives at the welfare motel and watches tv and sleeps all day or goes out and does drugs or cheats or whatever I am sure he is doing.

I get pleasure calling him and telling him how I see through all his “plans” and he gets sooooo angry because I know the truth.

I love calling in the middle of the night when I know he is sleeping and letting the phone ring and ring and ring and hearing him getting fuming angry! Why? What is wrong with me? Control? Power? Revenge? Hope?

I am going to bed and tomorrow will be a new day. I will sell me old car… the last of the things that remind me of him and I will get a new pure white car on Thursday and drive away all the old memories and make new ones in them.

He must get so pissed seeing me get everything I want all on my own….while he depends on someone else to take care of him.

Still I miss my kitty…. who never really existed.

Holehearted,

I can relate to all that missing and hating and loving and wanting revenge…all that CRAZY thinking about things, but IMHO, you really need to stop contact with him! Dont call him in the middle of the night anymore for sure! NO CONTACT. By your contacting him, you are staying in his game…..and even giving him ammunition to use against you….and believe me, he will. Enjoy what youve done for yourself…and leave him behind to rot. Please, dont contact him anymore.

James

Interesting how each sociopath has an element of criminal behavior. My ex did the same and was involved in some fraud. I begged her to stop and that I fear it would get us into trouble. She would reply that we needed the assistance and told her just to get a job and no we don’t need that type of help. Another time, concerning her employment claim, I told her that this time I wanted no part of it! For some reason the moral and legal ramification of their actions and what hardship it may cause their friends or family has little impact on them.

A little history in my case is that its been two years now with NC (no contact) and just a few days ago I knew it was time to forgive my sociopath and by doing so forgive myself. So I imaged a small white dove on my finger and watch it fly away, telling myself that I forgave her and myself. I cried and tremble like a child and let the weight lift off my shoulders. I gave this to God, asking that she would someday find the help she needs. I know that by forgiving her, I can let go (closure) and then move on with my life that I want back so badly. Now, each time I start to feel those hateful (emotional memory) emotions, I tell myself that forgiveness is forgiveness and just tell those feeling to go away! I know now that I will allow another person in my life and trust her, but also remembering to look out for those “Red Flags” and not miss them this time around.

Evolving from victim to survivor is never easy, but each of us must become a survivor in order to move on with our personal lives. Allowing them to take what little they left us, our humanity, our trust in others, our empathy for people and our hearts. If we let them to this, then indeed they (sociopath) have won and we lose everything!

Ladies:

Thank you very much. I changed my cell phone number. I’m reading Creating Calm in Difficult Times: Strength in the Storm by Easwaran, and Dr. Wayne W. Dyer: There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem.

I’m trying my best to erase him from my memory. I’m tired of thinking about him. Too painful.

James

Jules

Not sure is NC hurts the sociopath, but its like a bright ray of sunshine of reality. Each day we go thru and confirm our covenant of no contact with ourselves. This same “reality” becomes their reality. So in this bright ray of truth, they do shrivel and become weaker in our mental and emotional state of being.

Does it hurt them? Well, reality hurts all of us. We age, we lose love one thru death and our children go on to complete autonomy and independents. With that in mind this ray of truth and reality will hurt them someday I believe. We all can deny reality, but in the end, reality is what reality Is! “So that what we sow, so shall we reap”.

Book,

dont be too hard on yourself for thinking about him. It’s a normal process each of us has had to go thru in order to get to some place of ‘peace’ within ourselves. There’s a thread called ‘On Rumination’. This sheds some light on the obsessive thinking we all have experienced after trauma with a sociopath. Look it up and read it. I wish I could erase him from my memory as well. But if I had not have had the experience, I wouldnt have learned so much about sociopaths. I’m glad I know now, even though I learned the ‘hard way’. We can’t change the past that’s for sure. It did infact happen. I let a sociopath into my life. Because I let him convince me he ‘loved me’ while he was USING me (see post: the opposite of love is…..USE.) I don’t beat myself up about this too much now though, because he was good! Really good at his game. But not good enough, because in the end, he didnt get what he wanted: to move in with me, and use me even more. I have to accept that he did an incredibly horrible and selfish thing: directly expose me to his disease of HIV- allowing me to make a potentially fatal mistake, without a care at all. Short of actually murdering someone or raping someone or a defenseless child, I can’t really think of anything more morally wrong. But it DID happen. And he walked away. Without a care in the world about my feelings. Only his. I guess one measue of my recovery in this is that fact that I dont constantly plan his demise and wish bad things on him. I’m too good a person to hate another. I hate what he did to me, and probably has done and will do to others. I pray to God to give him a soul, a conscience……and for God to keep him away from me and my life as much as possible. I figure if I keep my end of the bargain up with NO CONTACT, no planning his demise, then God will protect me from him. But I certainly have warned others, my friends, people who knew we were together. I’ve told them all what he did to me. I’ve made it harder for him to get away with doing that again.

jules

liane,peggy,rperk,james; thank you all for your input i am learning from what each and every one of you say here. if any one else has anything to add i d love to hear also. its so enriching to read what you you all say on this site .liane i think you are right its the loss of power and them not knowing we are there for them to use at leisure and not knowing exactly what i am doing, i actually think they are nosey too. thnk you all so much. anyone else feel free to coment on my question. thanks again.

alohatraveler

Jules,

I don’t think they hurt with NC. And the point of NC is to protect you from their manipulation. It’s not meant to hurt them. It’s meant to close the door on them and give them nothing to manipulate.. and it gives you the space to clear the fog from your mind.

Also, I think when we truly go NC, they move on to someone else. It’s no fun anymore when we won’t play with them.

Ariadne

Aloha,

I agree. I don’t think it “hurts” them because they don’t have the ability to feel that sense of loss since they never loved in the first place. I think the feeling they feel would be frustration more than anything else. Especially if they didn’t have someone else lined up at the time. Inconvenienced maybe, if their victim did a lot for them (paid for things, gave them rides, cleaned and cooked).

Probably the same as when your computer crashes, you are frustrated that it won’t respond so you can use it for whatever you need it for. Then going out to get a new computer is a real hassle, and sometimes you had the settings just the way you liked them so you would rather try to fix it than buy a new one. Or maybe you could use a bunch of computers on the side to get your work done, that’s not something to feel guilty about. Sorry I got carried away with that metaphor lol, but to them real humans are just things to be possessed, no emotional bonds involved.

iradessa

I may hold a funeral. That isn’t a bad idea. But I get a little freaked at the idea of him returning from the dead. He seemed like a vampire that couldn’t be killed. Or a roach. They are hard to kill too.. and where there is one there are a thousand …that’s why I don’t date on line. LOL

Beverly

I dont know about forgiveness, although I can recall most of it if I want to, I really dont want to think about it anymore as it consumed way too much of my time and energy. Its not that I am denying the memory, it has receded with time and is just a blur, unless something directly makes me remember. Having absolutely no contact whatsoever has helped me get over him. I have seen him twice in the street, (he didnt see me) and I felt absolutely nothing for him and I wondered if I was in my right mind to take on such a loser and he looked like a loser. See how different I think about him now. When I was with him, I couldnt do enough for him, now I wouldnt even exchange one atom of energy for him. Strange how our minds can be so twisted out of shape.

Hi all,

I wonder do many sociopathic men have gynomastia (man-breasts?)

Would be interesting to note… although many sociopathic men do the kinds of drugs which cause this = like coke and meth.

Anyway I got my new car today.. I literally kissed my old car good bye and I do love that car = it saw me through some hard times. My friend said while you kiss the car kiss (the sociopath) goodbye too and I did and it felt great and sad and lonely and then I got in my new car and it felt [email protected]!

Still I had to call him to let him know I got a new car on my own and that I am happy and getting everything I want.

But like someone said… I fear he would use it against me… like vandalize it or something – I fear he would try to take these things away from me like call my job and cause problems (so I made sure he does not know where I work) etc.

His “new wife” got a new job working in health care… I am so sure they are planning on stealing drugs from the place or something.

My friend told me that when I was ready and really done with him I would probably vomit and then it would be all over… well I did almost vomit thinking about it all the other day…

It is going to feel so good to wake up tomorrow in my own apartment that I have been in for almost 3 months and to drive my car to work tomorrow on a new day and have a great day!

When I think about him I lose that feeling of waking and showering and singing and dancing and feeling good. I think if I did take him back how I would worry every day. How I could never let him drive my car for fear he would crash it. How I could never trust him to hold a job for fear of stealing from his employer. How I would have to watch my money and my debit cards and how I would have to spend all my extra money on him.

I guess they feel like if they marry a person then that person’s money becomes their’s and they can do what they want.

How pissed he was when I kept putting off marrying him.

He actually said he laughed about killling his present wife to get the life insurance and how she is young and could get a milllion dollar policy, etc. I was like that is aweful to even say about someone you are supposed to love and you just married.

I wonder what he used to say and still says about me to other people.

The good thing is I don’t have to plan his demise, because he is doing it all himself.

He even said that he thought that I was trying to destroy him. I told him I don’t have to do anything but just sit back because he is doing a good enough job on his own.

Right I think NC doesn’t “hurt” them — it just frustrates them like when your car won’t start or when you can’t get a live person at a company.

I have not been able to get myself to no contact, but I feel it is coming…because I just have nothing to say to him… he knows I am doing well and not dying without him which must anger him.

I guess he thinks he “won” because he got the “younger woman” who would do ANYTHING for him, lie cheat steal, send pictures of them in bed to hurt me.

I know they can’t “last” because they’re realationship is based on lies and has no foundation.

She’s so desperate to have a “good looking” man to show her friends that she doesn’t care that he is jobless in a welfare motel.

Meanwhile he is fat and out of shape, but she is obsessed with being skinny skinny…. I wonder how long that will last. He eats the worst garbage – when they do finally love together… had wait… the fireworks will really start.

But then who cares about them… I have my own life to lead…. my own things to do and my own fun to have… each day I do more and more for myself and think less and less about whey they are doing.

Little by little I am getting better…. but it has been almost a whole year… and I know that that is long enough to suffer over some loser.

Ox Drover

Dear Heart,

I think I understand your feeling of wanting/needing to “tell him off” to get him to see that you are OK and that you are doing BETTER than him—yet, HE DOES NOT CARE. He does not “envy” you, he does not “regret” he doesn’t have you, he didn’t/doesn’t give a RAT’s BEHIND about you—

I wanted sooooooooo BAD to tell my Ps off, to give them the finger, the razberry, to scream at them, to push them off a cliff and watch them fall….every evil thing you can think of—but mostly to let the know that I don’t need them that I WON and they didn’t beat me down! But in the end, THEY DON’T CARE….because they DON’T LOVE ME.

There are two kinds of NC, one is physical NC—no contact, but you still think about them all the time, and the other kind is EMOTIONAL NC, where you really DON’T CARE what is happening to them, you don’t want them to suffer, you don’t want good for them, you just don’t give a rat’s behind. You can see them across the street and they are NOTHING to you, just another stranger who means nothing.

Physical NC is the start—by FORCING yourself to refrain from calling them and gloating, or telling them to go to hell, or ANY contact, or looking them up on line, or asking the next door neighbor about them—whatever….the indifference will come. the Emotional NC and the pain will GO.

Yes, he enjoyed hurtint you, and the natural reaction is to try to hurt him back, but it is a losing game because in trying to hurt him, you are wounding yourself, my dear heart! Pulling the scabs off your wounds, making them bleed again—is that satisfying to you? I bet not. (((hugs)))))

iradessa

I am definitly grateful that he moved on. Does anyone else feel tempted to see if he is treating the new victim the same way? I have to fight the urge. I don’t want him to override my point of ivew anymore. But I have to say I have to work to keep my point of view. It kind of hasn’t fully been formed. I keep having to wash my brain. Pathologicals don’t change, be grateful that he is gone. And then I am — and then this tiny little shadow of doubt says let me just check this theory out.

Does anyone else feel tempted to see if he is treating the new victim the same way?

Nope. I know he will, eventually. And I even tried contacting him last week because I was worried about him, and wanting to talk. He sent a one sentence response. Apparently, he has already moved on…which goes to show how much he cared about me. Which is to say not really at all, even though he spent the better part of a year saying he did.

A person who really loves you doesn’t act that way. They’re willing to give it time, give it another chance. I know. I gave him more chances than anyone in my life and got kicked in the teeth for it time and time again.

Hi again,

So today was a good day. Still I need to know what he is doing and when. Found out he is working though still living at the welfare motel. She goes there to be with him… how nice screwing in a welfare motel.

He doesn’t give a crap about me. Why should I care about him? I know he is treating his “wife” like crap. He lied to her over and over about me. He cheated on her with me… a week after they were married.

He probably knows they can’t move in together because then she will really find out what he is like… so he is waiting and waiting until she is really hooked and has no escape. She is so whiny and vulnerable… he knows she won’t leave him because she can’t be alone — I know he threatens to leave her so she does whatever he wants her to do. She has no self-esteem whatsoever and he feeds her all the lines about how beautiful she is and how great and wonderful she is because he knows “she needs to hear this.” She can’t give it to herself on her own and she needs him to make her feel beautiful and worthy. He does this so she will let him do whatever he wants sexually, criminally, whatever. Meanwhile when he spoke of her to me he called her a chicken head — someone to use and abuse, someone who would hide drugs in her vagina, someone who is a “freak” in the bedroom. He called her a bitch – but then he calls all women bitches.

He has these eyes that when he wants to he can pout and make you fall crazy for him, feel bad for him, give him whatever he wants. I have been there and I know.

He knows she is addicted to drugs and to stay “sober” she has to stay with him because he feeds her ego. If he left her she would go right back to drugs and alcohol so she is now addicted to HIM. And he has done this on purpose. When he has had enough of her or when she starts to question things or whatever, he will lie and turn it around on her, manipulate her and if it gets to a point where she is really onto him, he will devalue her and discard her.

He used to make women hide drugs in their “private areas” to get it around so he says. And I am so sure that if he could do that, he can do just about anything because he HATES women.

He hates me because I found him out and exposed him for what he really is. He claims how he is truly kind and compassionate and caring… he used to tell me that I should just be happy that I have someone who “truly loves you.”

He tells her the same thing – uses the same words..etc. Anyone who has to tell people they are kind and compassionate really isn’t. People who are truly kind and compassionate don’t have to say anything because their actions tell all. Anyone who has to say they “truly” love you truly doesn’t!

I kind of feel sorry for her because I know she is going to have a hellish life… he will get her pregnant and really trap her. He will lie to her cheat on her and play psychological games with her making her emotionally dependent upon him. She already is so emotionally dependent on him for her life and her “sobriety.” Then again, I say she gets what she deserves for sending me nasty pictures of them together and having no shame or guilt and to be able to do something like that in the first place…she is a nutjob with no self respect.

She would steal drugs from her job for him to sell I am so sure. She would do anything for him. Wait just wait… what a hell she is in for.

There are so many nice cute guys where I work and friends of friends have expressed an interest in me. So I am not going to pursue them at all. If they really like me and want to date me they can get my number and call me.

I am going to live my life my way and if someone wants to share it with me, they will have to prove themselves worthy of being with me.

They are going to have to show by their actions that they are responsible, kind, compassionate, caring, loving, and worthy of my time, affection, energy and love.

I had a guy call me yesterday who came to look at my car and he started asking me all kinds of questions, like he was into me and wanted to date me. He asked me if I missed male companionship. He went on and on. I thought hey I would go on a date with him. He seems nice enough. Then I asked him if he was divorced he said no. I said did your wife pass on? He said no. I asked – so you’re still married and he said yes. I said so why are you hitting on me. He was asking me if I would be interested in getting together with him AND his wife. I was like – dude… no way. I mean really the balls and he wasn’t even good looking. I am like do I look like the type of person that would have a threesome with you and your wife? Ugh. Anyway if that is what he and his wife are into – good for them, but not for me – thanks for asking.. see yah!

Are there no normal people out there anymore?

I am going to live my life my way and if someone wants to share it with me, they will have to prove themselves worthy of being with me.

They are going to have to show by their actions that they are responsible, kind, compassionate, caring, loving, and worthy of my time, affection, energy and love.

Good! That’s exactly the right attitude. I had it for years, and then when the guy came back, I tried waiting for him to prove himself. He did, and then he completely changed, practically overnight. So be careful, because this guy is probably not done with you by a long shot.

And yuck on the married guy, his wife and their bent. Let them go find someone else to play this twisted game with.

peggywhoever

Iradessa:

Does anyone else feel tempted to see if he is treating the new victim the same way?

I believe these men are all very patterned; they will do exactly the same thing with the new victim as they did with you, probably within the same timeframe. An abuser is always an abuser, a predator is always a predator, and a sociopath is always a sociopath! They cannot change their spots, or in this case their behaviorial patterns. I know this link has been on here before, but I find it very insightful. No, they will not treat the new woman any better than you, and in time, she will become an abused woman as well. And the next victim, and one after that.

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml

iradessa

I need to hear that sometimes not that I want someone else to hurt. I have just been brainwashed that it is me and not him. Before I had the strenth for no contact he used to do things to make it seem otherwise. Which is fine now, I appreciate the support I have come along way. I realize that left to my own devices I can’t heal.. we heal in community, not isolation. The pain is not there anymore, I mean that gut ache I used to wake up with every morning. The vague sense of nausea has gone too ….I find it is my mind that travels back to this stuff and I need to get it out of my head and put back into my head through your mouths into my ears. The healthy thoughts fight the unhealthy and win out everytime.

Thank you.

iradessa

I had to stop going to meetings where he was, he used to wait for me and hop out from behind the shrubs when I would walk by… I was actually flattered by this behavior. Oh, I am happy to have the ability to laugh at myself today. A maniac jumps out from behind a hedge and somehow I equate that to “I must be fabulous to get that kind of reaction from a man” Ok now I am really laughing….

I was told that I have to make my life more exciting rather than you know seeking out men to potentially end my life…I started learning another language, back to ruinning and Yoga along with work and the kids (and the wonderful mommy and baby stuff) I like to hear what other women are doing to enhance their lives. Hope everyone has a gentle, peaceful, joyous weekend!!!

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