This week we received the following email. I am sharing it with you because what she reports is very common on a number of levels that I will discuss.
I was married to a sociopath for 25 years. They were horrible years because most of that time I had no idea I was married to a sociopath. I was deeply in love when we met. He told me everything I wanted to hear. Knowing all my weaknesses and fears he fed them, made me totally emotionally dependent on him. He helped me get great jobs, pumped me up so I would keep making more money, while of course he lived off me. But at the same time kept telling me I was ugly, fat, sickly. He had affairs. All of this and I still kept hoping he would change and someday really love me. He even encouraged me to do some illegal stuff — which I did — just to make him happy.
Twenty five years and when I finally couldn’t take it any more I left (8 months ago) Thought that was the end of it — but I actually kept worrying about him. He didn’t have a job or enough food to eat.
Well, he had used my computer one day when he was visiting and his email site was left on. I got curious and started reading his emails. He had been seeing other women, started relationship while he was still with me, telling them the same things he had always told me — but what I found most hurtful was that he was talking to these women about me in derogatory ways. That I was a psycho, unattractive, that I didn’t inspire him to do anything, etc. In many ways, this should have been good. Had I not seen that with my own eyes I would have never believed that my husband of 25 years who told me every day that he loved me more than life itself was bad mouthing me to these other women. I feel such anger and hatred in me that I know is not healthy”¦but I don’t know how to let it go.
I cut off all communications with him, but I still check into his emails. It’s like watching a soap opera — I’m hooked on this and don’t know how to stop. Every day when I see a new email where he’s dragging my name through the mud, it just makes me feel like crap. Even though I know he’s heartless and I should just not care what he says — I do. This is the man I slept next to for 25 years. I’m 58 years old and I can’t even think of starting a new relationship with all this distrust and hatred in my heart. How in the world would I ever trust another man? The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.
Is there any hope that I could ever get over this? I just don’t know how to move forward.
First of all 25 years is a long time to spend with another person, might as well be a lifetime. To come to grips with that, a person has to focus his/her attention on all the other things he/she did and accomplished during that time period. Usually the relationship was not the only part of life. Since the outcome was so bad the mind naturally wants to focus the attention on the bad and recovery means fighting this natural tendency.
Second, worrying about the sociopath is extremely common. Again overcoming this means focused attention. Attend to what this says about you. You are a person who cares and naturally worries about those you have loved. Just because you have a feeling does not mean you have to act on it.
The third issue, spying on the sociopath. I have seen that behavior a great deal so don’t feel you are unusual because you do this. I have also observed that the spying is often linked to anger, as is difficulty letting go.
Why would spying, anger and difficulty letting go be linked? I think this relates to a need for power and mastery over the situation. How many times have victims said, “I just didn’t want him/her to win”? I think recovery starts with admitting that we “lost” and the sociopath “won.” In the same breath though we have to question what the “prize” for winning was. If we don’t go on with our lives and recover, we give the sociopath a real prize!
The fourth issue is trusting again. That will come with recovery, but perhaps the trust for others will always be different. I will say that evil people tend to capture our attention. Some studies show that the good has to outweigh the bad 4 times in order for good to capture as much attention as bad. Evil men are much more visible in society, so make it a point to focus your attention on the loving empathetic men you know. This is difficult for many women who are attracted to power because they do not find less powerful men very attractive.
I would rephrase, “The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.” To the duplicity of every man I focus my attention on… I am working on a book, both discussing love and empathy in men and telling the stories of men who have been victimized by sociopathic women. I am doing this to help both men and women realize that loving behavior is the norm for men. We just attend to evil/powerful men more, the loving man goes unnoticed. He is invisible to us.
That gets me to recovery and some tough advice. Recovery takes a great deal of work and self discipline. In order to have the mental discipline you will need to stop reading the emails and move on, you have to work on your physical health. If you are out of shape, smoking and/or using alcohol, you may have great difficulty recovering. The part of the brain that is responsible for will power and impulse control is easily affected by poor health andxiety and lack of sleep. Start with a total health program. That program will go a long way toward lifting anxiety and depression. Keep a healthy diet and exercise every day. I would really like us to have a virtual exercise club and I put up Fit and Smart for that purpose. On that web site you will find a free program to help structure your exercise routine.
Fill your free time with activities that build you up mentally and spiritually. Build yourself up mentally by reading and perhaps taking a class. Build yourself up spiritually by volunteering or participating in a spiritual community. If you do all these things, you will have the health and strength to focus your attention where it needs to be. The writing of M. Louise Gallagher may be an inspiration to you.
OxDover,
May I work at your DV Shelter? I think I want to do that in the future. I work at a Children’s Shelter now. I was just thinking as I drove home this evening how much I love my job. I love those kds. We get so many donations at the Shelter that we have a closet full of gifty stuff so we let the kids chose something out of the closet for Mother’s Day gift. I was helping them wrap the gifts in plain white paper that they could decorate. One of the little girls addressed hers like this “To: Whom.” I asked her about it and she said she was angry at her Mom so she hadn’t decided yet “whom” she would give the gift to. :o( They are so honest. I swear I would do this job for free. That’s how you know you are on the right track.
Anyway, I just wanted to share something. Honestly, the work I do has helped me to move on. I need an outlet to be a nurturing person and I am just now barely feeling ready to be a nurturing person with a man. We shall see… warming up to that. But my perspective on life and dating certainly has changed a lot.
Aloha, I’d give you a “lifetime contract” just as a reward for your “Informed Denial”–Gosh I LOVE that phrase, it really struck a cord with me, can’ya’ tell? LOL
In 1991, when my son killed that girl, I went into a deep deep depression and grief, literally locked myself in the house for 3 months and cried 24/7 (looking back, I probably should have been hospitalized) A nursing school buddy of mine was director of nurses at a psych hospital and kept calling me wanting me to go to work for her–any hours–any position, she was desperate–after a while I took the job of intake. I had to sit and listen to the tales these parents told about their little budding Ps—and I realized my son wasn’t so bad,, he had ONLY killed someone.
It was theraputic for me at THAT PERIOD of my mourning and grief, as well as the fact that by being able to be open with my fellow nurses about my situation with my son, it ended up as “therapy” for me. I stayed there a year and a half, and by the time I had been there a few months was working 60 hrs a week, doing employee health, intake and evening superviser and floor nurse when someone didn’t show up. LOL That was “half time”–either 12 hours of the day I wanted to work. LOL It turned out to be “immersion” therapy in many ways for me.
At that time I was so ashamed of having a son like my P-son, at what he had done. I didn’t “blame” myself for his actions, but it brought “shame” upon my name, my family, etc. so since his crime was in another state, and our family (FOO) motto was “what would the neighbors think?” it was a big deep dark SECRET from everyone we knew. So being able to talk to and be validated by my nurse peers at work was a good thing for me. And believe it or not, almost all of the kids we had there were “budding Ps” –very few of them were any other diagnosis.
Because of my experiences in life etc. I quickly developed a reputation with the kids for setting fair and strict limits so after an initial period of “testing” ‘from a new kid (and turn over was slow there) I didn’t usually have half the problems with them that other staff members did. Plus, even if I am scared to death, I can “keep up a front” and not let someone know it—masking your emotions and appearing “casual” even if your world is falling apart was learned at my mother’s knee—“keep up the front, never let’em see you bleed, etc.” No matter how afraid, how embarassed, how humiliated you were by a situation, outside the confines of your home, you had to “pretend it wasn’t going on” so all that “training” came in handy at that job. In the end I almost got stabbed by a new patient, and decided that was “God’s way of telling me it was time to leave that job” so I moved on to outpatient elder care for a while..This is the great thing about nursing is that you can “change careers” and still be working under the same license. To fit your own needs at the moment for a job (& insurance) and yet work at a pace that is good for you, in a place that is good for you. After that I went into rural health care clinics and a college health care clinic (still employed by the same hospital on an outreach program and “leased” to the clinics.)
In each of the jobs I have held, I have loved it and it was good for me at the time I worked there, and I have learned so much from each job that I could apply to the next one. When I was in family and college medicine, my experience at the psych hospital was invaluable to my practice, etc. For part of that time I had a clinic only 4 miles from my farm which was wonderful for me! And for the community–until the owning hospital got a new CEO—oh, well, that’s another story! LOL
Giving back to the community and your neighbors is part of the life style here, and to me it is an important part of my belief system, and with 13 yrs of volunteer fire department, etc here (I am also retired from that as after the trauma of my husband’s accident I couldn’t quite take the stress of automobile wrecks etc that we were called out on. 90% of our calls were medical or accidents, not fires) I realized FINALLY after my step dad died, that I NEEDED to take care of MYSELF, and when I tried to set boundaries on my mother, who I had also taken care of when she was “down in the bed” but she was no longer in need of 24/7 care, that was when the Ps “took over” using her anger at me for setting bounaries and taking care of ME as a way to influence her to put her assets into their hands.
Hi friends. Haven’t posted in about 2 weeks I think. But i think of you all often and fondly – it’s so odd that relative strangers can help one another through SUCH adversity.
I’ve had no contact for almost 3 weeks now i think (haven’t really been counting). On Tuesday next week, we are meeting with the divorce mediator. (I set up the appointment & had the mediator call him. He’s not fighting me, which is good.) Decided to go this route because we won’t really have any issues with alimony, no kids, nothing to do really – sell the house & split proceeds, that’s it. Sadly we don’t even have “stuff” – just a couple of pictures (i already took the ones i wanted from my parents) – he wouldn’t let me buy furnishings for the rooms that were empty by myself but he never had time to go with me to look. So the house is basically empty anyway. What a symbol of our lives.
Anyway, for anyone reading this wondering how to move on, I don’t know that I have the answer, but I CAN say that it does get better. I’m still very early on in the process. I’m sad, there’s no denying, and at times I’m angry – like i mean, HORRIBLE RAGE angry (kept me awake last night thinking about his cheating and lies). So it’s not perfect.
But little by little by little….things happen that open your eyes. Since I’ve been sleeping on my own, in my own place, i have STOPPED having nightsweats completely – i’d been suffering horribly from these for the past 6 months with him. Doctor said they could be due to depression – i dismissed that, thinking, hormonal..but lo and behold. I just don’t have them anymore. Also – i was on an anti-depressant for the past 8 months or so (after finding out about his affair & starting to regurgitate all the abuses of our relationship) – and I’ve weaned myself off it this past month (with my doctor’s consent, no worries!) – and you know what? I feel BETTER. I don’t need it. It was my savior when I was with him, but without him, I feel free. I’m savoring this freedom now.
I don’t do things to please him anymore – that was my whole existence before. I am as lonely now as I was with him, only now I don’t have loneliness AND tension AND insecurity. And I’ve rediscovered what it’s like to have real friends, and really connect with my family, in meaningful ways. I have MISSED enjoying life. Everything was tempered by him…what would he think…need to rush home to him…need to make sure i’m there for him…need to be in a good mood for him…need to, need to, need to…
I need to do nothing now for him. It’s over. And while it doesn’t feel fantastic, it certainly doesn’t feel wrong.
OxDriver – you wrote in one of these posts somewhere, “we CAN control our emotions.” I’ve been out of control for a very long time, even though that’s not really me. I’m finding ME again – and you’re right, i can control them – not to say i’m not letting myself feel things, but only that nobody else is going to grind me down into the mud, break me, the way that man did. One time he actually spit in my face during a fight (he couldn’t yell because there was family in the house) — i actually had forgotten until last week that this had even happened – i don’t know what made me think of it. But it’s like all the anger i suppressed back then, as i just tried to keep the peace, came to me now. AND NOBODY IS EVER GOING TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT AGAIN. EVER.
There is life after the N/S or whatever the hell he is. That life with him is part of my fabric forever, but i’m not going to let it be baggage. Work, work, work…there comes a point when you’re well enough again and strong enough to actually WORK with yourself to get better. We owe it to ourselves, and then to everyone else because we have lots to give.
Love to you all. wish me luck on Tuesday – i think the actual divorce can be completed within 3 months.
Tmassar,
Wow! Thanks for writing, I had been wondering how you were doing! That is all great news! I know it is difficult, but I think you are on the right road to healing from the way things sound for you. There will be a few “pot holes” along the way, but I know you are strong enough to manuver around them or get back up if you fall into one.
The anger is a NORMAL AND NATURAL emotion when you are injured….even the rage (along with frustration), but it will get better and as difficult as it is, we have to “forgive” them, get the bitterness out of our own hearts—not for them, but for ourselves. Otherwise the bitterness will eat us up and become baggage that we drag along through life…and it is like dragging an anchor, it keeps us from growing and healing.
I won’t say it is easy, and I still have some angry moments, but I work on them….not supressing it, just dealing with it. Supressing anger only makes it “rot” into something else worse. It has to be “cleaned out” like left over food, you can’t ignore it.
I am SO hapy for you that it looks like your divorce will be fairly smooth…your anger can energize you, help protect you against pity for him…use it productively, and know that I am in your corner–rooting you on! Hip hip hooray!!!! for You!!!
This site is saving my life. Literlly. He (S) made me feel like a princess. My savior to rescue me and my daughter, from all the abuse we have already encountered. “No one will ever hurt you again” is what he said. Well his hurt, lies and manipulation has almost destroyed my already fragil life. Im really new here and I pray to God for appreciation for ALL of the stories that are reveling the TRUTH to me and slowly healing me and saving my life. I thought it was all me. Thats the kind of emotional controll he had. So did others. One day at a time I will heal Thank You guys so much.
Dear sweet Selena, They are so practised in the initial wooing and drawing us in. But sweet, you are a princess you just need to recognise that fact and value it and not give it away so readily. They act like kings, but that is part of their grandiose persona. When I saw m exN the other day, he looked so haughty, but so full of darkness. We really need to see them and ourselves for what we really are.!!!!
Dear Selena,
Keep on reading and learning and healing. The more you know about how they operate, the more you will realize it is NOT “you” that is “bad” it is the way they behave. Like Beverly said, they draw you in with such a picture of sweetness and light and then once they have you hooked, they convince you that you deserve their abuse. It is NOT true, it is all lies.
YOU are a powerful woman, and you can take back the power that you gave him. Your power is YOURs and only when you give it to someone else can they take it, if you hold on to it, they CANNOT take it away from you. I promise you that.
Keep learning and keep healing. (((hugs)))) and prayers for your strength!
Beverly,
Isn’t it AMAZING how when you see them after the healing has really started that they don’t look all “handsome” and grand anymore? Even though I was startled to see my XBF-P a while back, he didn’t look “appealing” at all any more. I couldn’t imagine how I had ever found him attractive at all.
I have a question and I need the wisdom of you super smart, most excellent women to help with my confusion:
One of the men I was involved with last year and into this year a bit, quite frankly told me that he thought I was out of his league a month after we were seeing each other. I was totally blown away by this pronouncement as I consider myself to be a self-deprecating, modest gal and I don’t think I’m superior to anyone. Quite the opposite, actually. I DO have a healthy self-esteem, self-respect and confidence which manifests in the friendly, chatty way I am with people. I no longer spend time wondering if a person (especially a stranger) likes me or not. Anyway, I asked him why he would think such a thing and he said because of my beauty, brains, integrity, my positive outlook on life, my determination to be a good person. He said that while we were chatting the first time we met, he was terrified to ask for my number thinking I would reject him. I was moved by his candor in revealing his insecurities, but at the same time I felt that because of his lack of selflove, that might create problems later on.
I was correct in my assumption. The crazy making started about 3 months into the relationship with him having these weird, angry outbursts about something I did, which to me seemed really insignificant. And they were. I obviously wasn’t giving him enough attention, adoration to fulfill him, so he would create drama, chaos that didn’t exist before. There’s more to the story but I eventually told him to move on as I need peace, harmony, consideration, respect in my life not destructive forces. Yes, I did suffer heartbreak; depressed about a week, sleeping a lot, then insomnia, then finally acceptance of the loss that led me to my where I’m at today. Happy and healed.
Thing is, I’m curious as to if a person with an inferiority complex behaves differently from someone with a personality disorder or are they one in the same?
I realize my confusion might seem minute compared to others readers on this website, but I just can’t seem to get this.
Dear Jane,
I don’t think that “just a self esteem issue” would account for his “angry outbursts” and it is possible his saying he was “not in your league” etc was to “build you up” with flattery…the old flattery ploy that the personality disordered do at the first of the relationships, also the “pity me” ploy of “I’m so insecure, I need you wonderful woman to build up my self esteem and tell me how good I am” WAH!!!!!
I think you just got out early in the relationship with a personality disordered person, IMHO. GOOD FOR YOU no matter what the “problem” was—you listened to your INSTINCTS (The Gift of Fear) and knew that SOMETHING wasn’t right with this guy, and that YOU COULDN’T FIX IT, and that you would NOT ALLOW SOMEONE ELSE’S PROBLEM to give them a Pass to abuse YOU.
GOOD FOR JANE. JANE IS A SMART WOMAN. JANE IS A POWERFUL WOMAN. JANE WILL NOT DISCOUNT RED FLAGS, JANE WILL LISTEN TO HER INSTINCTS. JANE IS A WHOLE HUMAN BEING!!!!!! WOW!!!!!! I wanna be like you when I grow up! LOL ((((BIG HUGS))))))