This week we received the following email. I am sharing it with you because what she reports is very common on a number of levels that I will discuss.
I was married to a sociopath for 25 years. They were horrible years because most of that time I had no idea I was married to a sociopath. I was deeply in love when we met. He told me everything I wanted to hear. Knowing all my weaknesses and fears he fed them, made me totally emotionally dependent on him. He helped me get great jobs, pumped me up so I would keep making more money, while of course he lived off me. But at the same time kept telling me I was ugly, fat, sickly. He had affairs. All of this and I still kept hoping he would change and someday really love me. He even encouraged me to do some illegal stuff — which I did — just to make him happy.
Twenty five years and when I finally couldn’t take it any more I left (8 months ago) Thought that was the end of it — but I actually kept worrying about him. He didn’t have a job or enough food to eat.
Well, he had used my computer one day when he was visiting and his email site was left on. I got curious and started reading his emails. He had been seeing other women, started relationship while he was still with me, telling them the same things he had always told me — but what I found most hurtful was that he was talking to these women about me in derogatory ways. That I was a psycho, unattractive, that I didn’t inspire him to do anything, etc. In many ways, this should have been good. Had I not seen that with my own eyes I would have never believed that my husband of 25 years who told me every day that he loved me more than life itself was bad mouthing me to these other women. I feel such anger and hatred in me that I know is not healthy”¦but I don’t know how to let it go.
I cut off all communications with him, but I still check into his emails. It’s like watching a soap opera — I’m hooked on this and don’t know how to stop. Every day when I see a new email where he’s dragging my name through the mud, it just makes me feel like crap. Even though I know he’s heartless and I should just not care what he says — I do. This is the man I slept next to for 25 years. I’m 58 years old and I can’t even think of starting a new relationship with all this distrust and hatred in my heart. How in the world would I ever trust another man? The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.
Is there any hope that I could ever get over this? I just don’t know how to move forward.
First of all 25 years is a long time to spend with another person, might as well be a lifetime. To come to grips with that, a person has to focus his/her attention on all the other things he/she did and accomplished during that time period. Usually the relationship was not the only part of life. Since the outcome was so bad the mind naturally wants to focus the attention on the bad and recovery means fighting this natural tendency.
Second, worrying about the sociopath is extremely common. Again overcoming this means focused attention. Attend to what this says about you. You are a person who cares and naturally worries about those you have loved. Just because you have a feeling does not mean you have to act on it.
The third issue, spying on the sociopath. I have seen that behavior a great deal so don’t feel you are unusual because you do this. I have also observed that the spying is often linked to anger, as is difficulty letting go.
Why would spying, anger and difficulty letting go be linked? I think this relates to a need for power and mastery over the situation. How many times have victims said, “I just didn’t want him/her to win”? I think recovery starts with admitting that we “lost” and the sociopath “won.” In the same breath though we have to question what the “prize” for winning was. If we don’t go on with our lives and recover, we give the sociopath a real prize!
The fourth issue is trusting again. That will come with recovery, but perhaps the trust for others will always be different. I will say that evil people tend to capture our attention. Some studies show that the good has to outweigh the bad 4 times in order for good to capture as much attention as bad. Evil men are much more visible in society, so make it a point to focus your attention on the loving empathetic men you know. This is difficult for many women who are attracted to power because they do not find less powerful men very attractive.
I would rephrase, “The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.” To the duplicity of every man I focus my attention on… I am working on a book, both discussing love and empathy in men and telling the stories of men who have been victimized by sociopathic women. I am doing this to help both men and women realize that loving behavior is the norm for men. We just attend to evil/powerful men more, the loving man goes unnoticed. He is invisible to us.
That gets me to recovery and some tough advice. Recovery takes a great deal of work and self discipline. In order to have the mental discipline you will need to stop reading the emails and move on, you have to work on your physical health. If you are out of shape, smoking and/or using alcohol, you may have great difficulty recovering. The part of the brain that is responsible for will power and impulse control is easily affected by poor health andxiety and lack of sleep. Start with a total health program. That program will go a long way toward lifting anxiety and depression. Keep a healthy diet and exercise every day. I would really like us to have a virtual exercise club and I put up Fit and Smart for that purpose. On that web site you will find a free program to help structure your exercise routine.
Fill your free time with activities that build you up mentally and spiritually. Build yourself up mentally by reading and perhaps taking a class. Build yourself up spiritually by volunteering or participating in a spiritual community. If you do all these things, you will have the health and strength to focus your attention where it needs to be. The writing of M. Louise Gallagher may be an inspiration to you.
Dear Fran,
I am a Christian and I grew up with the “definition” of forgiveness as “restoring the relationship to what it was before”–if fact, just “pretending it never happened” even if the other person didn’t repent, etc.—now wait a minute! What is wrong with this picture?
Find me the example in the Bible where Jesus or one of the Apostles told us to do that? Reading from cover to cover I cannot find such a command or even an example.
Jesus said from the cross, “Father forgive them, they KNOW NOT what they do.” Ok, I can accept that you might interpret that to mean that if someone unintentionally hurts you that you would not be angry at them.
To me “forgiveness” is not about “restoring the relationship” but about getting the bitterness out of your own heart–whether you are a Christian and believe that God commands that or whether you are an unbeliever. Forgiveness=cleansing your own heart of bitterness does not, to me, either as a Christian or as a person, mean I have to let that person repeatedly and without care or repentence continue to abuse me.
Where Paul was talking to Christians and telling them how to treat an erring brother (fellow Christian) he said, first go to them and talk about the problem privately. If they would not listen, go with witnesses, and if they still would not repent and change their ways, then treat them like a heathern (i.e. shun them completely) but the purpose of this was stated as to hopefully make them see the error of their ways. Shunning is No Contact.
Of course sociopaths, especially ones who pretend to be Christians or even just “good people” will enlist others in a smear campaign against to, or even convince them to persecute you as well. The Bible is filled with referneces to people who pretended to be “holy” and were evil (reread the passage about Jesus and the Pharisees) these were referred to by Jesus as “whited tombs”—whitewashed and beautiful on the OUTSIDE and filled inside with rotteness of dead mens bones. If that isn’t a great definition of a sociopath I never read one!
These same Pharisees incited the crowd to call for the crucifiction of Jesus and the release of a murderer. They used the typical “smear campaign” against Jesus because they knew that HE KNEW what they were—EVIL. Very typical sociopathic behavior.
When Jesus asked God to forgive “them” from the cross, I think the “them” was the public, the soldiers, etc. because they truly didn’t know what they were doing, but the Pharisees DID know. Just like psychopaths/sociopaths KNOW what they are doing is WRONG, they just don’t care.
The natural human emotion of wishing vengence upon your enemies can lead us off down the path of bitterness and hatred, which is not where we want to go, any of us.
I just finished rewatching the Star Wars series, and where Yoda talks about the “Dark side” and cautions Luke from the anger that leads that way, I think it is good advice for us all. I think about 99% of the things I have done wrong or thought wrong in my life have been done when I was angry. Anger is a natural emotion, and even Jesus was angry at evil behavior and thought—but anger that is nursed and stroked becomes UGLY, and makes the holder ugly. Jesus’ advice to “be angry and sin not” is good advice for everyone, believer or not.
Once I realized that “forgiveness” is an ACT not a squishy feeling, just like “love your enemies and do good to those that persecute you” doesn’t mean that you have to have a squishy feeling for those people, but simply, “don’t plot revenge” and if you encounter them, act NICE not mean, don’t seek revenge.
Letting go of the anger, the hate, and actually forgiving them, to me is FOR ME, not for them. Letting go of that makes ME a better person, a happier person, and keeps me from letting that anger at them drag me down, and rot me from the inside out.
I will leave them for God to deal with. That doesn’t mean I won’t seek JUSTICE WITH THE LAW, that is not revenge, but JUSTICE. I can’t go kidnap them and lock them in a private dungeon (that is revenge) but I can encourage the LAW to keep them in prison.
In fact, since this whole latest episode of psychopathic chaos, my spirtual and Christian life has taken a whole new turn for the better since I came to look at the requirements for “forgiveness” in a whole new light. Being told all my life that “forgiveness meant that we had to pretend it never happened” had held me back in my spiritual walk.
Please, I need help. This is my second day of NC, and I’m a total wreck.
I kept contact with the P in order to get my money back from him and because it was difficult to move without any closure. However, I realized that it was a terrible idea.
On Friday, when I spoke to him he stated “your money is on the way, you’ll get it by the end of May. Then we need to discuss other issues.”
I don’t want to discuss other issues with this devilish man. I want to move on with my life. But, it’s very difficult.
NC is the way, but it’s difficult. I’m constantly thinking about him and all the lies.
Dear Bookworm,
(((((Bookworm)))))) I wish I could reach out with a real life hug, but please do know that people here care, and have been through pretty much what you feel now.
I do hope you get your money and your closure, but many times we have to forget the money and make our own closure, and that is just the FACTS and the TRUTH. We have to accept what we can’t control. AS FRUSTRATING AS IT IS.
He may use the “carrot” of holding out getting your money back (or as Aloha says “the S#iT COVERED CARROT”) as a lure to keep you talking to him. Oh, they know all the tricks to dangle before us to keep us coiming back so they can torture us some more.
In fact, I just thought about an old story that is typical P behavior.
Back in the days of the Inquisition a man was in prison in the dungeon, Knowing that he was going to be executed by being burned at the stake. The Inquisitors (all Psychopaths) sent a friend of the prisoner’s to him with a story of impending rescue. The prisoner’s friend said “Don’t worry, I have a FOOLPROOF way to get you out of here, you will be rescued.”
Well, the Prisoner got his hopes up that he would not be burned at the stake, he trusted his friend who told him the rescue was coming the next day. After the news of the impending rescue scheduled for the next day, the P-Inquisitor comes back and says, “Well, prisoner, we have decided to cut off one of your limbs before we burn you at the stake, you decide which one and the axe man is right outside.”
The prisoner is unhappy about this turn of events, but says to himself, “well, I know my friend will rescue me from death tomorrow, and I am right handed, so I can life with only one hand, so I will choose to have my left hand chopped off.”
The axeman enters and chops off his left hand.
The next day when time for the rescue comes, there is no one showing up. The p oor prisoner is downcast and totally distraught as he had counted so much on his friend. The next day the friend comes back to visit and says, “Well, our attempt failed, but we have another FOO PROOF plan for tomorrow night…”
And then dance goes on, with each succeeding limb being
chopped off until there is nothing but a torso left—and of course that gets burned at the stake.
We fall prey to the “P-friend” promising us “rescue” from the pain, promising to return our money, TOMORROW, but in the meantime, we get a limb chopped off, and repeat until there is NOTHING LEFT OF US. We are made to suffer over and over by having our hopes raised and smashed repeatedly, being betrayed over and over and over, when they have no intention of keeping their promises. They aren’t content to just “burn us at the stake” but want us to emotionally suffer before hand at the potential for “rescue” being dashed over and over.
Dear dear Bookworm, EXPECT the worst from the P, and realize that HE IS THE LIE, he WILL LIE, if you get your money it will be a MIRACLE FROM GOD, and if you get closure it will be what you MAKE YOURSELF. I know this may not make you feel better right now, but knowing what to expect, will in the end make it easier. I think that getting BLIND-SIDED by my Ps made it worse for me. It kept up my HOPE of “rescue” a lot longer than it might have gone on otherwise. It was only after my last “limb” was chopped off that I realized the “truth” that they were going to thow what was left into the fire.
((((Bookworm))))))
Dear Bookworm,
Would it help you to remember that we all felt this way and that nothing but No Contact helped us to move forward with our lives.
Your money may or may not be on it’s way. I don’t remember how much it was that you were waiting for. I do hope you get it… but more important is to get your soul back from the soul sucker.
From us: If you stay No Contact, your soul is on it’s way back to you.
Accepting that someone is a sociopath is helpful as well. When you start to realize their behavior is predictable and out of the books, perhaps you can stop hoping for it to be different.
It’s the hope that it will be different, I think, that keeps people circling, not letting go, and stuck. Think of it as a scinetific concept… gravity works in the same way every day and we don’t hope for something different all the time.. unless we are talking about our sagging boobs… (had to say that… sorry). We accept how gravity works and we don’t give it another thought.
Here’s to the day when you get there in your mind. You are one day closer to healing… don’t go back.
XO Aloha
DEar Bookworm,
I hope today’s new sun has brought you a night of sleep and peace, a new start in your healing. Aloha’s so right NO contact is the ONLY way. If you must do contact re:the money, do it through aan attorney, or e mail, or as LITTLE contact as possible, for example e mail rather than phone call, phone call rather than face to face.
But don’t hang on to the HOPE, because the HOPE that he will do right, care, not lie, etc. is pretty slim and hanging on to that hope will dash your spirit when it turns out to have beel FALSE HOPE—at least if you expect the worst, you won’t be disappointed, and if you get the best, you will be happily suprised.
(((hugs)))) and prayers for your healing. OxD
OxDrover, Aloha:
Thank you very much for everything. I’m taking it one day at a time. It’s very difficult to deal with someone who is devoid of compassion, remorse, feelings, etc.
Truly, I dealt with the devil.
I’m very grateful for this blog, and the kindness of its members.
Again, thanks.
I read this and cry; I too was married to a psycopath for 25 years; and everytime I get away; he charms his way back into our lives; I can’t take it; and I am finally learning that NO CONTACT; is the ONLY way; any suggestions would be greatly appreciated; as today is day one; and I am itching to call him; as sad as that sounds. that’s reality.
Bookworm, DDMore:
NC IS the ONLY way to healing, the ONLY way to self-realization, the ONLY way to freedom, peace, and love. Contact with a S will keep you in a state of perpetual bondage, enslaved to a fantasy-person, to a dream that will never come to fruition, a life of illusion. NC is difficult at first, but it does become easier with time. You will develop a new pattern, a life without him. Many years a go, a friend told me, “dreams die hard”. And it is so true. The path to truth is sometimes a bumpy one, with peaks and valleys, but each step you take will enrich your life. You will unravel the puzzle of him, the truth will be self-evident, you will no longer be wrapped up in a mind-spinning fabrication of reality. Come here, read, and learn. We recognize your pain, we have felt the same gut-wrenching, sickening, mind-boggling pain you feel.
Blessings to you both for a new, healthy, and enriched life. You deserve it.
Dear DDmore and Bookworm,
I don’t know why your posts aren’t registering, but contact Donna directly and she will get it straight ASAP.
Glad you are here, sorry you need to be here, but this is a healing place if you need it, and sounds like you two do need it. There are lots of articles and good advice as well.
NO contact is THE ONLY way, and yes, it is hard, you want to TELL them how badly they have hurt you, but the problem is you can’t get through, they can’t understand, even if they cared. It is sad to say we have all been sucked into the FOG and the ONLY way any of us got out was NO contact.
My family is FILLEd with Ps and until I No Contacted the LAST Psychopath, there wasn’t any healing could take place.
Each day is another step toward freedom, the chains of pain and bondage will start to fall off, and somtimes it will be scary, because when you have been in a cage for so long, going out into the world free is a scarry thing, but we are ALL so strong if we will just accept our own strength and nurture it. ((((Hugs)))) God bless, and you wil be in my prayers tonight.
Hello all, I asked a wise lady I speak to, how do I let people know to stop trying to fix? to help me understand how much he ” cares” etc, the well intentioned friends who can’t possibly get it? Her answer was, just let them know that ” everyday I am away from him, I am a little bit better”
Sounds simple, is simple. But very hard to live by. I have changed my locks, I have gone e-mail on business only, but I still check my e-mail every two hours. And when there is no post, there is a little tiny thing missing. I still am addicted to him possesing me. There is a tiny bit left of me, that wants him to want to own me. There I said it. And I will learn to overcome it. But it is there. Right now I am playing a game, of independance, but I want it to matter to him. And of course it never has.
Peace to all.