This week we received the following email. I am sharing it with you because what she reports is very common on a number of levels that I will discuss.
I was married to a sociopath for 25 years. They were horrible years because most of that time I had no idea I was married to a sociopath. I was deeply in love when we met. He told me everything I wanted to hear. Knowing all my weaknesses and fears he fed them, made me totally emotionally dependent on him. He helped me get great jobs, pumped me up so I would keep making more money, while of course he lived off me. But at the same time kept telling me I was ugly, fat, sickly. He had affairs. All of this and I still kept hoping he would change and someday really love me. He even encouraged me to do some illegal stuff — which I did — just to make him happy.
Twenty five years and when I finally couldn’t take it any more I left (8 months ago) Thought that was the end of it — but I actually kept worrying about him. He didn’t have a job or enough food to eat.
Well, he had used my computer one day when he was visiting and his email site was left on. I got curious and started reading his emails. He had been seeing other women, started relationship while he was still with me, telling them the same things he had always told me — but what I found most hurtful was that he was talking to these women about me in derogatory ways. That I was a psycho, unattractive, that I didn’t inspire him to do anything, etc. In many ways, this should have been good. Had I not seen that with my own eyes I would have never believed that my husband of 25 years who told me every day that he loved me more than life itself was bad mouthing me to these other women. I feel such anger and hatred in me that I know is not healthy”¦but I don’t know how to let it go.
I cut off all communications with him, but I still check into his emails. It’s like watching a soap opera — I’m hooked on this and don’t know how to stop. Every day when I see a new email where he’s dragging my name through the mud, it just makes me feel like crap. Even though I know he’s heartless and I should just not care what he says — I do. This is the man I slept next to for 25 years. I’m 58 years old and I can’t even think of starting a new relationship with all this distrust and hatred in my heart. How in the world would I ever trust another man? The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.
Is there any hope that I could ever get over this? I just don’t know how to move forward.
First of all 25 years is a long time to spend with another person, might as well be a lifetime. To come to grips with that, a person has to focus his/her attention on all the other things he/she did and accomplished during that time period. Usually the relationship was not the only part of life. Since the outcome was so bad the mind naturally wants to focus the attention on the bad and recovery means fighting this natural tendency.
Second, worrying about the sociopath is extremely common. Again overcoming this means focused attention. Attend to what this says about you. You are a person who cares and naturally worries about those you have loved. Just because you have a feeling does not mean you have to act on it.
The third issue, spying on the sociopath. I have seen that behavior a great deal so don’t feel you are unusual because you do this. I have also observed that the spying is often linked to anger, as is difficulty letting go.
Why would spying, anger and difficulty letting go be linked? I think this relates to a need for power and mastery over the situation. How many times have victims said, “I just didn’t want him/her to win”? I think recovery starts with admitting that we “lost” and the sociopath “won.” In the same breath though we have to question what the “prize” for winning was. If we don’t go on with our lives and recover, we give the sociopath a real prize!
The fourth issue is trusting again. That will come with recovery, but perhaps the trust for others will always be different. I will say that evil people tend to capture our attention. Some studies show that the good has to outweigh the bad 4 times in order for good to capture as much attention as bad. Evil men are much more visible in society, so make it a point to focus your attention on the loving empathetic men you know. This is difficult for many women who are attracted to power because they do not find less powerful men very attractive.
I would rephrase, “The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.” To the duplicity of every man I focus my attention on… I am working on a book, both discussing love and empathy in men and telling the stories of men who have been victimized by sociopathic women. I am doing this to help both men and women realize that loving behavior is the norm for men. We just attend to evil/powerful men more, the loving man goes unnoticed. He is invisible to us.
That gets me to recovery and some tough advice. Recovery takes a great deal of work and self discipline. In order to have the mental discipline you will need to stop reading the emails and move on, you have to work on your physical health. If you are out of shape, smoking and/or using alcohol, you may have great difficulty recovering. The part of the brain that is responsible for will power and impulse control is easily affected by poor health andxiety and lack of sleep. Start with a total health program. That program will go a long way toward lifting anxiety and depression. Keep a healthy diet and exercise every day. I would really like us to have a virtual exercise club and I put up Fit and Smart for that purpose. On that web site you will find a free program to help structure your exercise routine.
Fill your free time with activities that build you up mentally and spiritually. Build yourself up mentally by reading and perhaps taking a class. Build yourself up spiritually by volunteering or participating in a spiritual community. If you do all these things, you will have the health and strength to focus your attention where it needs to be. The writing of M. Louise Gallagher may be an inspiration to you.
I’m reading everything on this blog. I’m glad to be here. I’m not going to ask about my money anymore. No more contact! It’s going to be rough. But, I’m ready.
Please, pray for me everyone. I will keep you posted on my NC.
Thanks, everyone. This is a healing place for me.
DDMore,
I really can’t imagine what it would be like to be married to s Psychopath for 25 years. That is a lifetime to spend with someone and I am SURE it would be hard to go 100% NC. From my limited experience, NC was the only way for me. In my case, he didn’t try to hard to reach me once I moved away but the little contact we had was ALWAYS painful and NEVER what I needed and he was NEVER able to be there for me emotionally at all. After these interactions, I felt even more depleted… think negative numbers. In other words, I came out of it having lost more. It turned out to be better to trudge through whatever I was going through without reaching out to him. They are emotional black holes and you wouldn’t want to fall back in, now would you? In time, the pull will not be as strong. But for now, you have probably had some bad conditioning and are used to not having your needs met… I am doing a lot of guessing here… but still.
Anyway, maybe another reader that has put in as much time as you and gone NC can speak up. Anyone?
peggywho; and every one else, i am no contact about two months. i was wanting to know does no contact hurt the s path and if it does why? I am total nc not even any, i do struggle and sometimes i wish i knew just what he was doing even without talking or contact he is with someone else now i think. I just would like to know what affect it has on them i know its doing me a great deal of good.i would love some input to this question if anyone has some. i dont think of him often anymore but this question of how nc affects them comes up in my mind often. ps if your just going to say it doesnt matter what affect it has on him please dont respond. i am sure it must have some affect on them. i know it does not matter but i would like to know for my own knowledge.thanks my thoughts with you all.
Stalkers are likely to be sociopathic. Sociopaths often become angry and violent when a person cuts off contact. They regard those in their lives as possessions and will fight for them just as they would fight to prevent their care from being stolen. These are what I call “dominance bonds” as opposed to “love bonds.” Whereas love bonds are exclusive and limited in number (studies show most people only have 4-5 intimate friends and one partner) dominance bonds know no bounds.
Jules:
My S doesn’t seem to care one way or another since NC (4 months ago). None. Zero. The only thing he has done regarding inquiring about me is that a very good friend of mine works for him, and she said he asks if she has spoken to me and what I have said. But this is definitely NOT because he cares about me, but only because he is so unethical and involved in illegal activities including embezzling, tax fraud, money laundering, etc., and he knows I have discovered this and he is worried about whom I have shared this information with. (He lived with me for 3 years and I also thought he was my best friend.) (Incidently, he is poisoning this friendship as she has said she can’t talk to me right now…because of his character assassination of me I’m quite certain. And this woman knows me VERY well, and knows I am an extremely candid person). It never ceases to amaze me how charming he is, and how he twist reality even with people who have known me or years, and before they knew him!
He has moved on to the woman (less than a month after our split) that has her house on the market with a contingent sale to purchase him (them) a million-dollar-plus home. I DO know what my S is doing, and it hurts and sickens me. Sometimes, truly, ignorance is bliss.
Unless they have an agenda regarding you, a reason or purpose that you can DO something for them (now or in the future), they have no use for us. We are a disposable diaper, and of no consequence to them.
Personally I don’t believe ANYTHING hurts the S (or the closest to “hurt” would be loss of money, power and/or control) and everything is about winning the game. They form no emotional attachments whatsoever, and do not “miss” us as we miss them. Because they do not “feel” love, they don’t “feel” the pain of a break-up or the need to have closure and understanding, as we do. We are interchangeable and the next victim will fill their needs without a backwards glance (or thought) of us.
I’m fairly confident your S is with someone else, sorry I don’t mean to hurt you with this knowledge, but they seem to move on very quickly and have no grieving period as we do…no feelings. Just another victim, another (or the same) game. As Liane says, the only effect it would probably have is their loss of power over losing a possession. I don’t believe we have any more value than a house, a car, or a job…they don’t have any personal, emotional investment with us. Think of it as trading in one car for another, or changing from one cell phone carrier to another. We are of no emotional significance whatsoever (to a Sociopath) IMHO.
Unfathomable.
Bookworm,
I didn’t get your whole story, but did catch that you were holding out for money and closure. Sounds oh so familiar.
When I found out the S was HIV positive, all I wanted was for him to tell me the truth. To show some sign of remorse, guilt, something, anything- that might reflect that he had an ounce of conscience, or that he did care. Because I didnt want to believe that he could do that- that he could care so less about me- than to expose me, then basically laugh in my face about it. I held onto that ‘hope’ for long after words. I prayed and prayed. He actually owed me some money too….but that was the last of my worries really. Needless to say, I never fot the ‘truth’, and I never got my money. I have only gotten this far in my healing thru NO CONTACT. As bad as I wanted to confront him, smash his face in, and even feel like I wanted to ‘kill’ him…..I have restrained myself. After I learned that ANYTHING I say would be used against me, or would be responded to with manipulation and word salad, I simply had to give up. Walk away.
The only closure I’ve gotten is finding out he is a sociopath, or at least suffers from ASPD……that’s why he did what he did, and that’s why he lied about it, and that’s why he’ll never accept any responsiblity for it.
Once I accepted that, it became easier. It’s hard to realize that you had so much emotion tied up into someone that’s incapable of experiencing the same thing. Even if he did contact me to express any type of remore, it would have to be feigned…because what’s done is done. If he felt sorry for it, he would have never lied to me about it. The truth is he doesnt care. He only cares about getting away with it….that’s why he continues to deny it.
I agree Dodged- they don’t care at all. Other than the joy of duping and power….they have no emotions.
Mine admitted this is few times- but who believes that? You think they’re scared, scarred, defensive……nada….mine claimed he loved his kids only- I don’t believe that for a moment….as he also admitted he uses them to attract women.
He drives recklessly with them and has on numerous occasions disregarded their needs- to the point he could not in any real way care for them w/o extended family.
Sociopaths USE everyone. And we do not exist if we are not needed- I saw him blow off someone he knew because they were just visiting and served no purpose as they were not local anymore. Another example- is if he wasn’t sexually involved with a woman..she didn’t matter….I mean he’d make plans to pick someone up from the airport and just fail to show….the sex-driven behavior was his explanation.
It is a relief to know they are sub-human, but heartbreaking too.
Jules-I always wondered that also, does he have feelings, does he hurt and why. In my case, he would always say “That hurts my feelers” (yes, feelERS). It drove him crazy when I changed my number and he could not contact me. Like he lost his blanket, he didn’t want it…he just wanted to know where it was at all times…control.
He would call and say how much he missed me, missed this or that, but only when his other girlfriends were unavailable. Yes, for awhile I fell for this not knowing what was going on.
I think he feels, or tries to feel (he conjures up false emotions so he can be as realistic as possible) but only when he wants or needs something from me…sex, to talk, a ride, ect.
Fortunatley I have been away from him for over a year but from time to time, I wonder…then I remind myself that even if he did have any feelERS, they are only there to benefit him and to use the person/s he is with at the time.
Bookworm (love your name…I’m one, too!) I will pray for you and hope that your NC is going well. Hang in there!
oh Man does this post and all the comments HIT HOME.
He built me up to make money to take care of him.
All while he took shit jobs making $10 an hour and then stealing from his employers and getting fired and denying it.
He paid his part of the rent, but took it back each day $20 here $30 there. He crashed all his cars, blew his settlement money. Abandoned potentially money making businesses he invested time and money in.
I have spied, tapped into emails, pretended to be him on IM’s, seen pics of him screwing his new love == now his “wife.” I have done all of it…. and for what…? To learn a truth I always knew… there is something wrong with him… and with me.
It does feel like a death…. he was my “kitty” and my “kitty” is gone. It is aweful. I call him and he treats me like crap because he has a new love and a new person he can “build up” while he lives in a welfare motel, doing whatever.
Ugh…. and I miss this??? this whacko thief, liar, felon, fat loser with man-breasts? I love him I say… I miss him he is cute in the face with gorgeous blue eyes. I am torn apart by my own split.
He just got a tooth pulled at 29…. the first of many that will be going because he never took care of them.
I feel bad for him, I miss him, I hate him, I love him, I never want to see him again and I want him back all at the same time.
There are plenty of men who like me, good kind men with jobs and homes and lives and a sense of humor… but I want HIM back. still WHY!!!?????
I have since gotten a great job, a new apartment, and am picking up my new car on Thursday – shiny white, corolla great on gas…. everything I wanted. I did it all on my own!
But it still feels empty without him.
I still feel he is happier than I am with his new love… who is young and cute (and alcholic and addict and bulemic etc)
What is wrong in my head?
He would call to use me too… he would say he is hungry and has nothing to eat, he needs a ride or to do his laundry. I would feel guilty in one breath and the next tell him to call his whore wife to cook dinner for him. Oh she can’t because she is still living with her parents!
He used the tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow chopping off limb by limb thing with me too. Promises dead on his lips.
He’s a sick man with no hope of ever becoming anything and so he must tear down everyone around him.
He even said he is so upset that NOW i go an get my own apartment instead of living with a roommate, and NOW i have a better job and NOW I get a new car. He wanted me to get all those things when he was with me so he could have them. he wanted to marry me so whatever I made he would get half. That was his plan.
And he is doing this to his present “wife.” She works hard to pay off his suspended license fines to get his license back, to buy a car, to get an apartment eventually. She even paid for their cheapo – go to justice of the peace in jeans and sneakers and an old red dress wedding.
Meanwhile he has no job, no education, no car, and lives at the welfare motel and watches tv and sleeps all day or goes out and does drugs or cheats or whatever I am sure he is doing.
I get pleasure calling him and telling him how I see through all his “plans” and he gets sooooo angry because I know the truth.
I love calling in the middle of the night when I know he is sleeping and letting the phone ring and ring and ring and hearing him getting fuming angry! Why? What is wrong with me? Control? Power? Revenge? Hope?
I am going to bed and tomorrow will be a new day. I will sell me old car… the last of the things that remind me of him and I will get a new pure white car on Thursday and drive away all the old memories and make new ones in them.
He must get so pissed seeing me get everything I want all on my own….while he depends on someone else to take care of him.
Still I miss my kitty…. who never really existed.