This week we received the following email. I am sharing it with you because what she reports is very common on a number of levels that I will discuss.
I was married to a sociopath for 25 years. They were horrible years because most of that time I had no idea I was married to a sociopath. I was deeply in love when we met. He told me everything I wanted to hear. Knowing all my weaknesses and fears he fed them, made me totally emotionally dependent on him. He helped me get great jobs, pumped me up so I would keep making more money, while of course he lived off me. But at the same time kept telling me I was ugly, fat, sickly. He had affairs. All of this and I still kept hoping he would change and someday really love me. He even encouraged me to do some illegal stuff — which I did — just to make him happy.
Twenty five years and when I finally couldn’t take it any more I left (8 months ago) Thought that was the end of it — but I actually kept worrying about him. He didn’t have a job or enough food to eat.
Well, he had used my computer one day when he was visiting and his email site was left on. I got curious and started reading his emails. He had been seeing other women, started relationship while he was still with me, telling them the same things he had always told me — but what I found most hurtful was that he was talking to these women about me in derogatory ways. That I was a psycho, unattractive, that I didn’t inspire him to do anything, etc. In many ways, this should have been good. Had I not seen that with my own eyes I would have never believed that my husband of 25 years who told me every day that he loved me more than life itself was bad mouthing me to these other women. I feel such anger and hatred in me that I know is not healthy”¦but I don’t know how to let it go.
I cut off all communications with him, but I still check into his emails. It’s like watching a soap opera — I’m hooked on this and don’t know how to stop. Every day when I see a new email where he’s dragging my name through the mud, it just makes me feel like crap. Even though I know he’s heartless and I should just not care what he says — I do. This is the man I slept next to for 25 years. I’m 58 years old and I can’t even think of starting a new relationship with all this distrust and hatred in my heart. How in the world would I ever trust another man? The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.
Is there any hope that I could ever get over this? I just don’t know how to move forward.
First of all 25 years is a long time to spend with another person, might as well be a lifetime. To come to grips with that, a person has to focus his/her attention on all the other things he/she did and accomplished during that time period. Usually the relationship was not the only part of life. Since the outcome was so bad the mind naturally wants to focus the attention on the bad and recovery means fighting this natural tendency.
Second, worrying about the sociopath is extremely common. Again overcoming this means focused attention. Attend to what this says about you. You are a person who cares and naturally worries about those you have loved. Just because you have a feeling does not mean you have to act on it.
The third issue, spying on the sociopath. I have seen that behavior a great deal so don’t feel you are unusual because you do this. I have also observed that the spying is often linked to anger, as is difficulty letting go.
Why would spying, anger and difficulty letting go be linked? I think this relates to a need for power and mastery over the situation. How many times have victims said, “I just didn’t want him/her to win”? I think recovery starts with admitting that we “lost” and the sociopath “won.” In the same breath though we have to question what the “prize” for winning was. If we don’t go on with our lives and recover, we give the sociopath a real prize!
The fourth issue is trusting again. That will come with recovery, but perhaps the trust for others will always be different. I will say that evil people tend to capture our attention. Some studies show that the good has to outweigh the bad 4 times in order for good to capture as much attention as bad. Evil men are much more visible in society, so make it a point to focus your attention on the loving empathetic men you know. This is difficult for many women who are attracted to power because they do not find less powerful men very attractive.
I would rephrase, “The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.” To the duplicity of every man I focus my attention on… I am working on a book, both discussing love and empathy in men and telling the stories of men who have been victimized by sociopathic women. I am doing this to help both men and women realize that loving behavior is the norm for men. We just attend to evil/powerful men more, the loving man goes unnoticed. He is invisible to us.
That gets me to recovery and some tough advice. Recovery takes a great deal of work and self discipline. In order to have the mental discipline you will need to stop reading the emails and move on, you have to work on your physical health. If you are out of shape, smoking and/or using alcohol, you may have great difficulty recovering. The part of the brain that is responsible for will power and impulse control is easily affected by poor health andxiety and lack of sleep. Start with a total health program. That program will go a long way toward lifting anxiety and depression. Keep a healthy diet and exercise every day. I would really like us to have a virtual exercise club and I put up Fit and Smart for that purpose. On that web site you will find a free program to help structure your exercise routine.
Fill your free time with activities that build you up mentally and spiritually. Build yourself up mentally by reading and perhaps taking a class. Build yourself up spiritually by volunteering or participating in a spiritual community. If you do all these things, you will have the health and strength to focus your attention where it needs to be. The writing of M. Louise Gallagher may be an inspiration to you.
I dont know about forgiveness, although I can recall most of it if I want to, I really dont want to think about it anymore as it consumed way too much of my time and energy. Its not that I am denying the memory, it has receded with time and is just a blur, unless something directly makes me remember. Having absolutely no contact whatsoever has helped me get over him. I have seen him twice in the street, (he didnt see me) and I felt absolutely nothing for him and I wondered if I was in my right mind to take on such a loser and he looked like a loser. See how different I think about him now. When I was with him, I couldnt do enough for him, now I wouldnt even exchange one atom of energy for him. Strange how our minds can be so twisted out of shape.
Hi all,
I wonder do many sociopathic men have gynomastia (man-breasts?)
Would be interesting to note… although many sociopathic men do the kinds of drugs which cause this = like coke and meth.
Anyway I got my new car today.. I literally kissed my old car good bye and I do love that car = it saw me through some hard times. My friend said while you kiss the car kiss (the sociopath) goodbye too and I did and it felt great and sad and lonely and then I got in my new car and it felt great@.......!
Still I had to call him to let him know I got a new car on my own and that I am happy and getting everything I want.
But like someone said… I fear he would use it against me… like vandalize it or something – I fear he would try to take these things away from me like call my job and cause problems (so I made sure he does not know where I work) etc.
His “new wife” got a new job working in health care… I am so sure they are planning on stealing drugs from the place or something.
My friend told me that when I was ready and really done with him I would probably vomit and then it would be all over… well I did almost vomit thinking about it all the other day…
It is going to feel so good to wake up tomorrow in my own apartment that I have been in for almost 3 months and to drive my car to work tomorrow on a new day and have a great day!
When I think about him I lose that feeling of waking and showering and singing and dancing and feeling good. I think if I did take him back how I would worry every day. How I could never let him drive my car for fear he would crash it. How I could never trust him to hold a job for fear of stealing from his employer. How I would have to watch my money and my debit cards and how I would have to spend all my extra money on him.
I guess they feel like if they marry a person then that person’s money becomes their’s and they can do what they want.
How pissed he was when I kept putting off marrying him.
He actually said he laughed about killling his present wife to get the life insurance and how she is young and could get a milllion dollar policy, etc. I was like that is aweful to even say about someone you are supposed to love and you just married.
I wonder what he used to say and still says about me to other people.
The good thing is I don’t have to plan his demise, because he is doing it all himself.
He even said that he thought that I was trying to destroy him. I told him I don’t have to do anything but just sit back because he is doing a good enough job on his own.
Right I think NC doesn’t “hurt” them — it just frustrates them like when your car won’t start or when you can’t get a live person at a company.
I have not been able to get myself to no contact, but I feel it is coming…because I just have nothing to say to him… he knows I am doing well and not dying without him which must anger him.
I guess he thinks he “won” because he got the “younger woman” who would do ANYTHING for him, lie cheat steal, send pictures of them in bed to hurt me.
I know they can’t “last” because they’re realationship is based on lies and has no foundation.
She’s so desperate to have a “good looking” man to show her friends that she doesn’t care that he is jobless in a welfare motel.
Meanwhile he is fat and out of shape, but she is obsessed with being skinny skinny…. I wonder how long that will last. He eats the worst garbage – when they do finally love together… had wait… the fireworks will really start.
But then who cares about them… I have my own life to lead…. my own things to do and my own fun to have… each day I do more and more for myself and think less and less about whey they are doing.
Little by little I am getting better…. but it has been almost a whole year… and I know that that is long enough to suffer over some loser.
Dear Heart,
I think I understand your feeling of wanting/needing to “tell him off” to get him to see that you are OK and that you are doing BETTER than him—yet, HE DOES NOT CARE. He does not “envy” you, he does not “regret” he doesn’t have you, he didn’t/doesn’t give a RAT’s BEHIND about you—
I wanted sooooooooo BAD to tell my Ps off, to give them the finger, the razberry, to scream at them, to push them off a cliff and watch them fall….every evil thing you can think of—but mostly to let the know that I don’t need them that I WON and they didn’t beat me down! But in the end, THEY DON’T CARE….because they DON’T LOVE ME.
There are two kinds of NC, one is physical NC—no contact, but you still think about them all the time, and the other kind is EMOTIONAL NC, where you really DON’T CARE what is happening to them, you don’t want them to suffer, you don’t want good for them, you just don’t give a rat’s behind. You can see them across the street and they are NOTHING to you, just another stranger who means nothing.
Physical NC is the start—by FORCING yourself to refrain from calling them and gloating, or telling them to go to hell, or ANY contact, or looking them up on line, or asking the next door neighbor about them—whatever….the indifference will come. the Emotional NC and the pain will GO.
Yes, he enjoyed hurtint you, and the natural reaction is to try to hurt him back, but it is a losing game because in trying to hurt him, you are wounding yourself, my dear heart! Pulling the scabs off your wounds, making them bleed again—is that satisfying to you? I bet not. (((hugs)))))
I am definitly grateful that he moved on. Does anyone else feel tempted to see if he is treating the new victim the same way? I have to fight the urge. I don’t want him to override my point of ivew anymore. But I have to say I have to work to keep my point of view. It kind of hasn’t fully been formed. I keep having to wash my brain. Pathologicals don’t change, be grateful that he is gone. And then I am — and then this tiny little shadow of doubt says let me just check this theory out.
Does anyone else feel tempted to see if he is treating the new victim the same way?
Nope. I know he will, eventually. And I even tried contacting him last week because I was worried about him, and wanting to talk. He sent a one sentence response. Apparently, he has already moved on…which goes to show how much he cared about me. Which is to say not really at all, even though he spent the better part of a year saying he did.
A person who really loves you doesn’t act that way. They’re willing to give it time, give it another chance. I know. I gave him more chances than anyone in my life and got kicked in the teeth for it time and time again.
Hi again,
So today was a good day. Still I need to know what he is doing and when. Found out he is working though still living at the welfare motel. She goes there to be with him… how nice screwing in a welfare motel.
He doesn’t give a crap about me. Why should I care about him? I know he is treating his “wife” like crap. He lied to her over and over about me. He cheated on her with me… a week after they were married.
He probably knows they can’t move in together because then she will really find out what he is like… so he is waiting and waiting until she is really hooked and has no escape. She is so whiny and vulnerable… he knows she won’t leave him because she can’t be alone — I know he threatens to leave her so she does whatever he wants her to do. She has no self-esteem whatsoever and he feeds her all the lines about how beautiful she is and how great and wonderful she is because he knows “she needs to hear this.” She can’t give it to herself on her own and she needs him to make her feel beautiful and worthy. He does this so she will let him do whatever he wants sexually, criminally, whatever. Meanwhile when he spoke of her to me he called her a chicken head — someone to use and abuse, someone who would hide drugs in her vagina, someone who is a “freak” in the bedroom. He called her a bitch – but then he calls all women bitches.
He has these eyes that when he wants to he can pout and make you fall crazy for him, feel bad for him, give him whatever he wants. I have been there and I know.
He knows she is addicted to drugs and to stay “sober” she has to stay with him because he feeds her ego. If he left her she would go right back to drugs and alcohol so she is now addicted to HIM. And he has done this on purpose. When he has had enough of her or when she starts to question things or whatever, he will lie and turn it around on her, manipulate her and if it gets to a point where she is really onto him, he will devalue her and discard her.
He used to make women hide drugs in their “private areas” to get it around so he says. And I am so sure that if he could do that, he can do just about anything because he HATES women.
He hates me because I found him out and exposed him for what he really is. He claims how he is truly kind and compassionate and caring… he used to tell me that I should just be happy that I have someone who “truly loves you.”
He tells her the same thing – uses the same words..etc. Anyone who has to tell people they are kind and compassionate really isn’t. People who are truly kind and compassionate don’t have to say anything because their actions tell all. Anyone who has to say they “truly” love you truly doesn’t!
I kind of feel sorry for her because I know she is going to have a hellish life… he will get her pregnant and really trap her. He will lie to her cheat on her and play psychological games with her making her emotionally dependent upon him. She already is so emotionally dependent on him for her life and her “sobriety.” Then again, I say she gets what she deserves for sending me nasty pictures of them together and having no shame or guilt and to be able to do something like that in the first place…she is a nutjob with no self respect.
She would steal drugs from her job for him to sell I am so sure. She would do anything for him. Wait just wait… what a hell she is in for.
There are so many nice cute guys where I work and friends of friends have expressed an interest in me. So I am not going to pursue them at all. If they really like me and want to date me they can get my number and call me.
I am going to live my life my way and if someone wants to share it with me, they will have to prove themselves worthy of being with me.
They are going to have to show by their actions that they are responsible, kind, compassionate, caring, loving, and worthy of my time, affection, energy and love.
I had a guy call me yesterday who came to look at my car and he started asking me all kinds of questions, like he was into me and wanted to date me. He asked me if I missed male companionship. He went on and on. I thought hey I would go on a date with him. He seems nice enough. Then I asked him if he was divorced he said no. I said did your wife pass on? He said no. I asked – so you’re still married and he said yes. I said so why are you hitting on me. He was asking me if I would be interested in getting together with him AND his wife. I was like – dude… no way. I mean really the balls and he wasn’t even good looking. I am like do I look like the type of person that would have a threesome with you and your wife? Ugh. Anyway if that is what he and his wife are into – good for them, but not for me – thanks for asking.. see yah!
Are there no normal people out there anymore?
I am going to live my life my way and if someone wants to share it with me, they will have to prove themselves worthy of being with me.
They are going to have to show by their actions that they are responsible, kind, compassionate, caring, loving, and worthy of my time, affection, energy and love.
Good! That’s exactly the right attitude. I had it for years, and then when the guy came back, I tried waiting for him to prove himself. He did, and then he completely changed, practically overnight. So be careful, because this guy is probably not done with you by a long shot.
And yuck on the married guy, his wife and their bent. Let them go find someone else to play this twisted game with.
Iradessa:
Does anyone else feel tempted to see if he is treating the new victim the same way?
I believe these men are all very patterned; they will do exactly the same thing with the new victim as they did with you, probably within the same timeframe. An abuser is always an abuser, a predator is always a predator, and a sociopath is always a sociopath! They cannot change their spots, or in this case their behaviorial patterns. I know this link has been on here before, but I find it very insightful. No, they will not treat the new woman any better than you, and in time, she will become an abused woman as well. And the next victim, and one after that.
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml
I need to hear that sometimes not that I want someone else to hurt. I have just been brainwashed that it is me and not him. Before I had the strenth for no contact he used to do things to make it seem otherwise. Which is fine now, I appreciate the support I have come along way. I realize that left to my own devices I can’t heal.. we heal in community, not isolation. The pain is not there anymore, I mean that gut ache I used to wake up with every morning. The vague sense of nausea has gone too ….I find it is my mind that travels back to this stuff and I need to get it out of my head and put back into my head through your mouths into my ears. The healthy thoughts fight the unhealthy and win out everytime.
Thank you.
I had to stop going to meetings where he was, he used to wait for me and hop out from behind the shrubs when I would walk by… I was actually flattered by this behavior. Oh, I am happy to have the ability to laugh at myself today. A maniac jumps out from behind a hedge and somehow I equate that to “I must be fabulous to get that kind of reaction from a man” Ok now I am really laughing….
I was told that I have to make my life more exciting rather than you know seeking out men to potentially end my life…I started learning another language, back to ruinning and Yoga along with work and the kids (and the wonderful mommy and baby stuff) I like to hear what other women are doing to enhance their lives. Hope everyone has a gentle, peaceful, joyous weekend!!!