This week we received the following email. I am sharing it with you because what she reports is very common on a number of levels that I will discuss.
I was married to a sociopath for 25 years. They were horrible years because most of that time I had no idea I was married to a sociopath. I was deeply in love when we met. He told me everything I wanted to hear. Knowing all my weaknesses and fears he fed them, made me totally emotionally dependent on him. He helped me get great jobs, pumped me up so I would keep making more money, while of course he lived off me. But at the same time kept telling me I was ugly, fat, sickly. He had affairs. All of this and I still kept hoping he would change and someday really love me. He even encouraged me to do some illegal stuff — which I did — just to make him happy.
Twenty five years and when I finally couldn’t take it any more I left (8 months ago) Thought that was the end of it — but I actually kept worrying about him. He didn’t have a job or enough food to eat.
Well, he had used my computer one day when he was visiting and his email site was left on. I got curious and started reading his emails. He had been seeing other women, started relationship while he was still with me, telling them the same things he had always told me — but what I found most hurtful was that he was talking to these women about me in derogatory ways. That I was a psycho, unattractive, that I didn’t inspire him to do anything, etc. In many ways, this should have been good. Had I not seen that with my own eyes I would have never believed that my husband of 25 years who told me every day that he loved me more than life itself was bad mouthing me to these other women. I feel such anger and hatred in me that I know is not healthy”¦but I don’t know how to let it go.
I cut off all communications with him, but I still check into his emails. It’s like watching a soap opera — I’m hooked on this and don’t know how to stop. Every day when I see a new email where he’s dragging my name through the mud, it just makes me feel like crap. Even though I know he’s heartless and I should just not care what he says — I do. This is the man I slept next to for 25 years. I’m 58 years old and I can’t even think of starting a new relationship with all this distrust and hatred in my heart. How in the world would I ever trust another man? The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.
Is there any hope that I could ever get over this? I just don’t know how to move forward.
First of all 25 years is a long time to spend with another person, might as well be a lifetime. To come to grips with that, a person has to focus his/her attention on all the other things he/she did and accomplished during that time period. Usually the relationship was not the only part of life. Since the outcome was so bad the mind naturally wants to focus the attention on the bad and recovery means fighting this natural tendency.
Second, worrying about the sociopath is extremely common. Again overcoming this means focused attention. Attend to what this says about you. You are a person who cares and naturally worries about those you have loved. Just because you have a feeling does not mean you have to act on it.
The third issue, spying on the sociopath. I have seen that behavior a great deal so don’t feel you are unusual because you do this. I have also observed that the spying is often linked to anger, as is difficulty letting go.
Why would spying, anger and difficulty letting go be linked? I think this relates to a need for power and mastery over the situation. How many times have victims said, “I just didn’t want him/her to win”? I think recovery starts with admitting that we “lost” and the sociopath “won.” In the same breath though we have to question what the “prize” for winning was. If we don’t go on with our lives and recover, we give the sociopath a real prize!
The fourth issue is trusting again. That will come with recovery, but perhaps the trust for others will always be different. I will say that evil people tend to capture our attention. Some studies show that the good has to outweigh the bad 4 times in order for good to capture as much attention as bad. Evil men are much more visible in society, so make it a point to focus your attention on the loving empathetic men you know. This is difficult for many women who are attracted to power because they do not find less powerful men very attractive.
I would rephrase, “The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.” To the duplicity of every man I focus my attention on… I am working on a book, both discussing love and empathy in men and telling the stories of men who have been victimized by sociopathic women. I am doing this to help both men and women realize that loving behavior is the norm for men. We just attend to evil/powerful men more, the loving man goes unnoticed. He is invisible to us.
That gets me to recovery and some tough advice. Recovery takes a great deal of work and self discipline. In order to have the mental discipline you will need to stop reading the emails and move on, you have to work on your physical health. If you are out of shape, smoking and/or using alcohol, you may have great difficulty recovering. The part of the brain that is responsible for will power and impulse control is easily affected by poor health andxiety and lack of sleep. Start with a total health program. That program will go a long way toward lifting anxiety and depression. Keep a healthy diet and exercise every day. I would really like us to have a virtual exercise club and I put up Fit and Smart for that purpose. On that web site you will find a free program to help structure your exercise routine.
Fill your free time with activities that build you up mentally and spiritually. Build yourself up mentally by reading and perhaps taking a class. Build yourself up spiritually by volunteering or participating in a spiritual community. If you do all these things, you will have the health and strength to focus your attention where it needs to be. The writing of M. Louise Gallagher may be an inspiration to you.
I have actually tasted health and freedom now and again. I see that those times seem to be getting longer and the time in the depression and confusion shorter and shorter. Thank God. I might have PTSD and I am reponsible to take care of that, however, he is not preventing me drom living a full life, seeking goals, taking chances, I won’t give him that power over me again. I feel great today. I always wonder when I am having a great day how did I get here? I need to map a map so I can get back.
Free,
I used to wonder about that too, but I really highly doubt it could happen. Because why would they not like the way they are?
They have no capacity for empathy, remorse or guilt. So the only thing stopping them from being wankers is logistics. After manipulating someone and destroying their life, they don’t say to themselves, “I really shouldn’t have done that. That was really mean. ” They got something that they wanted out of the victim, whether it be power, money or sex. They consider themselves better than us because they aren’t stopped by the conscience and moral code that we adhere to. They think they are better at getting what they want because they stop at nothing to get it. And they are proud of being like that. I think they just view a conscience as an impediment, not something they would want, even if it was possible.
I think we can change our thought process because even if we were hardwired to be victims, we can change the wiring with some introspection and hard work. They have some parts missing. No amount of rewiring will fix them because they just don’t have it in them to be good people.
irradessa and peggy; i do wonder this too especially when i go on a date and it doesnt turn out well my mind goes to the s path and his new vicitm and i wonder that exactly, is he treating her the same way he treated me. peggy why do you say in the same time frame, thats interesting. i dont think they can change they dont think any thing is wrong with them, mine doesnt he thinks he is fine, so why would he change also their brain is disfunctional and as far as i know theres no cure thats why they wont change . i think they try to be normal and have what other normal folk have, ie a relationship thats works ect but thats not really changing is it. very interesting. i am trying so hard not to think about him at all im good when things are fine but when things go a bit wrong and i feel down my mind goes to that place, dam it i hate this all of it wish it never happened sometimes and i would not have to deal with my mind doing what it does.i keep trying.
Ariadne,
So true… They consider themselves better than us because they aren’t stopped by the conscience and moral code that we adhere to. They think they are better at getting what they want because they stop at nothing to get it. And they are proud of being like that.
My ex will never, ever be a good person. He only thinks of himself. I know that he is playing the pity game with his latest victim. I can just imagine… “how his ex-wife never supported him, was never there for him. How he was not faithful, but will not be that way anymore. How he works so hard at bettering himself”. And on and on. Yuck.
Jules – they are dysfunctional. It is incredibly difficult to stop thinking about these evil people. Somehow they get into our brains and under our skin and we have such trouble getting them out. It’s all crazy, because why would we want to continue thinking about things that are not healthy for us? I feel I have to think about it until I get it all out, and one day I will have gotten it all out. I am not there yet, but everyday it gets better, but then I have setbacks. But, that’s ok, I am human, he is not.
He is kicked back in his apt with his new victim, and not a care in the world of the trauma he’s inflicted upon me and his children. I’m just exaggerating, he tells his family, overly-sensitive. They rationalize absolutely every horrible deed they do.
All we can do is try to keep them out of our lives physically, and out of our brains. It’s so hard, but we have no choice but to do this, for our sanity, health and well-being.
On the subject of moving on: can i just say, today was a big breakthrough day for me, and i’m celebrating by moving myself over to this “moving on” section and out of the “broken promises” list..!
First can I say – Ariadne, Free, Almostfree, Lilorphan, Oxdrover…forgive me for the others i missed, you need to know how important your posts are and how much they have helped me see the truth and move on. Denial lasted a VERY LONG TIME for me. I am STILL battling feelings of guilt. But today for the first time I thought this:
There is NO WAY I will ever go back to this man. He does not love me. He uses me. He THINKS he loves me but he doesn’t know what that means.
I became someone else to suit his needs. I lost my humor and I alienated friends and family, for him.
Today I learned from a former neighbour and friend (and a woman who had also been physically abused in her first marriage) that my own ex-N had once called me a “bitch” to her and her husband. (She told me this when i said one of the things he’d said to me in a moment of “remorse” was that he’d only ever spoken badly TO me, not about me. More lies.)
While painful to hear that, it was liberating too. Like: for the first time, i’m not sorry for him. He had NO business treating me like he did. It’s BULL that this is all a surprise to him. He is a selfish bastard and he used me, literally sucked me dry.
He physically abused me about 3 times over the course of 13 years. Not a lot by some of the worst standards, but why is it okay that he did it at all. He seemed shocked by his own behavior at the time, but did nothing subsequently to address WHY it happened. His remorse was brief and he did nothing to try make up for it.
He’s despicable. I lived in such unhappiness for so long. My family is literally celebrating my “return.” They felt they’d lost me. I love them so much, why did i let him denigrate them.
My neighbour’s husband also said that at work (they work at the same institution), he’d seen my ex behave like a real “asshole”, and he said he always hoped that that kind of behavior wasn’t going on at home either. They agreed that I brought out the “best” in him, in terms of his ability to socialize and behave properly. But they also said that nobody who knew him would be surprised by my leaving, and that it was glaringly obvious why. He has alienated many people with his arrogance, rages, attitude of entitlement.
So in sum: to anyone still back in the stage of worrying about them and how they’ll cope, make no mistake about it, if you ALLOW yourself to remember the bad stuff (and this goes against many of our optimistic natures, i think), it does eventually help you to stop worrying.
For the first time today, I finally really understood the meaning of the words: I am NOT RESPONSIBLE for his behavior. He is making the choice to be like this, day in, day out, and he has known for a long time that he’s slowly losing me, and has done nothing about it.
This is a landmark day for me. I will work not to become bitter, but I’m definitely allowing myself this first taste of liberation – for the FIRST TIME – liberation..!!
If they want to heal, they have that choice. But that’s not our job. MAYBE some of them will go on and have better relationships than they did with us, because they learned somthing. But for me, it’s too late. There’s no going back now.
Yes, we can heal, and we will. They can not take our futures.
(I’m writing this a whopping 9 days into NC.)
tmasser,
BREAK ON THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE!
I am thrilled to read your post. We live for this stuff… You are giving hope and clarity to others.
YOU ARE OUT OF THE FOG.
Congratulations!!!
Aloha!
Tmassar,
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! Your “Ah ha” moment is one that sometimes doesn’t come for a long time, and it may receed once in a while, but keep reminding yourself and eventually you WILL heal, will get over the bitterness, anger, sadness, bargaining, etc. that we all go through in our grief for the FAKE relationship WE had (but they didn’t really share).
You have not lost a damn thing but pain, and he has lost a person who really did love him.
NO CONTACT–FOREVER! Long live NO CONTACT! It gives us peace and space to heal and think, and will lead to our healing and moving on! glad you graduated today, that is a wonderful milestone! (((BIG HUGS!!!))))) SUPERWOMAN!
Tmassar. Well Done You!!
When we are in ‘The Fog’, we can easily miss signs, feelings – but then we get cracked over the head with the ‘Ah Ha’ moment. Its like you said – when someone lets drop something really derogatory that your partner said about you and its like all our light bulbs get switched on at once – thats when we summon up our tremendous survival strength that says ‘No More’. I had quite a few Ah Ha moments like that – thats when you see who they REALLY are and when the veneer is stripped away, you have justice on your side to give you strength.
almost free; thank you for your coment your words ring true to me it means a lot to know i am not alone in what i go through. i too will try to keep him out of my brain, and yes it is hard. mine too rationalize everything he did to me.
I have to say I feel so heartened by reading your posts, mostly because I FINALLY don’t feel completely alone with my “situation.” I am the daughter of a sociopath so the advice of No Contact has been particularly difficult for me – how do cut off my own father.
It’s been many many years of heartache, of battling and trying to please someone whom I know doesn’t really care about me. It took a long time for me to not take this personally – how could I not, he’s my father! But about four years ago during a particularly disturbing phone call I told him I could not talk to him ever again, and he hung up on me (of course, he’s the one in control).
And even so, I still live in fear and – as iradessa said – I get freaked at the idea of him returning to haunt me, because as long as he’s alive I know I’ll always be looking over my shoulder. He once said to me “blood is thicker than water” which chills me to the bone now to think of it because I know that to him it means he will always “own” me because I’m his flesh and blood.
It took me 30 adult years to finally cut the ties that bind and I’m still working (through therapy) to convince myself that my father’s sins are not revisited on me. For a long time I carried around guilt that, as his spawn, I was somehow responsible for the havoc he wreaked, especially on my much younger brother who was an only child in his fifth (and last) marriage.
Well, that was a bit of a purge I hadn’t expected to release, but I thank you all for being so honest and sharing your searing stories out loud. I imagine it must be healing to speak the atrocities aloud in order to process them and hopefully, eventually, move beyond them. Thanks for listening.