This week we received the following email. I am sharing it with you because what she reports is very common on a number of levels that I will discuss.
I was married to a sociopath for 25 years. They were horrible years because most of that time I had no idea I was married to a sociopath. I was deeply in love when we met. He told me everything I wanted to hear. Knowing all my weaknesses and fears he fed them, made me totally emotionally dependent on him. He helped me get great jobs, pumped me up so I would keep making more money, while of course he lived off me. But at the same time kept telling me I was ugly, fat, sickly. He had affairs. All of this and I still kept hoping he would change and someday really love me. He even encouraged me to do some illegal stuff — which I did — just to make him happy.
Twenty five years and when I finally couldn’t take it any more I left (8 months ago) Thought that was the end of it — but I actually kept worrying about him. He didn’t have a job or enough food to eat.
Well, he had used my computer one day when he was visiting and his email site was left on. I got curious and started reading his emails. He had been seeing other women, started relationship while he was still with me, telling them the same things he had always told me — but what I found most hurtful was that he was talking to these women about me in derogatory ways. That I was a psycho, unattractive, that I didn’t inspire him to do anything, etc. In many ways, this should have been good. Had I not seen that with my own eyes I would have never believed that my husband of 25 years who told me every day that he loved me more than life itself was bad mouthing me to these other women. I feel such anger and hatred in me that I know is not healthy”¦but I don’t know how to let it go.
I cut off all communications with him, but I still check into his emails. It’s like watching a soap opera — I’m hooked on this and don’t know how to stop. Every day when I see a new email where he’s dragging my name through the mud, it just makes me feel like crap. Even though I know he’s heartless and I should just not care what he says — I do. This is the man I slept next to for 25 years. I’m 58 years old and I can’t even think of starting a new relationship with all this distrust and hatred in my heart. How in the world would I ever trust another man? The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.
Is there any hope that I could ever get over this? I just don’t know how to move forward.
First of all 25 years is a long time to spend with another person, might as well be a lifetime. To come to grips with that, a person has to focus his/her attention on all the other things he/she did and accomplished during that time period. Usually the relationship was not the only part of life. Since the outcome was so bad the mind naturally wants to focus the attention on the bad and recovery means fighting this natural tendency.
Second, worrying about the sociopath is extremely common. Again overcoming this means focused attention. Attend to what this says about you. You are a person who cares and naturally worries about those you have loved. Just because you have a feeling does not mean you have to act on it.
The third issue, spying on the sociopath. I have seen that behavior a great deal so don’t feel you are unusual because you do this. I have also observed that the spying is often linked to anger, as is difficulty letting go.
Why would spying, anger and difficulty letting go be linked? I think this relates to a need for power and mastery over the situation. How many times have victims said, “I just didn’t want him/her to win”? I think recovery starts with admitting that we “lost” and the sociopath “won.” In the same breath though we have to question what the “prize” for winning was. If we don’t go on with our lives and recover, we give the sociopath a real prize!
The fourth issue is trusting again. That will come with recovery, but perhaps the trust for others will always be different. I will say that evil people tend to capture our attention. Some studies show that the good has to outweigh the bad 4 times in order for good to capture as much attention as bad. Evil men are much more visible in society, so make it a point to focus your attention on the loving empathetic men you know. This is difficult for many women who are attracted to power because they do not find less powerful men very attractive.
I would rephrase, “The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.” To the duplicity of every man I focus my attention on… I am working on a book, both discussing love and empathy in men and telling the stories of men who have been victimized by sociopathic women. I am doing this to help both men and women realize that loving behavior is the norm for men. We just attend to evil/powerful men more, the loving man goes unnoticed. He is invisible to us.
That gets me to recovery and some tough advice. Recovery takes a great deal of work and self discipline. In order to have the mental discipline you will need to stop reading the emails and move on, you have to work on your physical health. If you are out of shape, smoking and/or using alcohol, you may have great difficulty recovering. The part of the brain that is responsible for will power and impulse control is easily affected by poor health andxiety and lack of sleep. Start with a total health program. That program will go a long way toward lifting anxiety and depression. Keep a healthy diet and exercise every day. I would really like us to have a virtual exercise club and I put up Fit and Smart for that purpose. On that web site you will find a free program to help structure your exercise routine.
Fill your free time with activities that build you up mentally and spiritually. Build yourself up mentally by reading and perhaps taking a class. Build yourself up spiritually by volunteering or participating in a spiritual community. If you do all these things, you will have the health and strength to focus your attention where it needs to be. The writing of M. Louise Gallagher may be an inspiration to you.
PLEASE READ THIS AND HELP ME. OH MY GOD. Moving on just got that much easier – but my whole life has been turned upside down again. OxDriver – you were so right – I was so, so wrong. I am with such a sick bastard – i had no idea.
This week, me & H were supposed to travel to London together – a business trip for him. Obviously I canceled (it had been planned a while ago). I arranged to look after our cat in our house while he was away — partly this was convenient for me, to pack up the rest of my belongings while he was gone.
When I arrived at the house he was still here (not expected). He told me he’d do ANYTHING to save the marriage..therapy..all the right words..i did nothing wrong, he knows he abused me, bla bla bla.
I didn’t cave, though we had an amicable parting. He left for his trip. I immediately went onto his email – not sure why – instinct? There’s an email in his outbox (pretty sure he wanted me to find it) – between him and the other woman – the night that i cut him off and told him not to call me – he WENT TO HER AND SLEPT WITH HER.
I actually went to see her ex-husband tonight (my H was actually part of the reason they divorced, i found out.) I found out that SHE has suicidal tendencies, and the last time my husband rejected her (supposedly trying to save our marriage) – she wound up in a psych hospital. She has an eating disorder (has lost 36 pounds in last months) – all this info i got from her ex, who is this poor sweet guy who has also been victimized, big-time. (His situation basically mirrored my own – he did EVERYTHING for her, supported her, and she just cheated on him repeatedly, she has history of suicide attempts, etc etc).
Anyway – i’m figuring out now that the ONLY reason he’s pretending to want to be with me still is so that he can keep the house long enough until she’s ready to move in & he can only afford it with someone else. I also found out he was promoted to full professor this past week – he lied to me about this – i asked him when he could expect to know about the promotion, because that might change his money situation, and he said he didn’t know. (I spoke to him in the context of telling him i wanted a divorce.)
So, in addition to the lies, he’s himself now involved with another psychopath!!! YAY!!! Got what he deserved no??
I am SICK though, with disbelief that it’s this bad. I am typing this on HIS computer, from HIS study, out of disrespect for him. He’s on a plane to London. I will never, ever, ever, ever see him again. I’m suing for divorce, I hope he rots in hell. How could i have wasted 13 years with this bastard? Who could do this to a good person?
Will my need for revenge pass? I never thought I could feel hatred this strong. Why couldn’t he just have let me go?
Tmassar,
My dear, I don’t feel any pleasure in your saying I was “right” because it isn’t any Weegie board or crystal ball that make me know, it is because I have dealt with them over and over and over and the BOTTOM LINE IS that they will convince you that they are trying to get back together with you, while they PICK YOUR POCKET—-
After my son C discovered that his P-wife was having an affair with the Trojan Horse P, (he infiltrated our family for the purpose of ripping us off financially) he said that he would work with her, go to counseling,e tc. anything to save their marriage. She PRETENDED to want that—even had sex with him several times over the next week–while she was buying a gun for herself and one for her BF, moving money put in an account in their joint names “in trust” for my mother into CDs in her name, renting a storage unit and moving our personal possessions, allthe while pretending to want to restore their marriage….ALL A LIE—then she and BF tried to kill my son.
Fortunately they both went to jail for 8 months, then plea agreement and she is out now, and he will be out this month…but they WILL LIE WHEN THE TRUTH WOULD FIT BETTER. All of them will USE YOU, lie to you, try to get you to not be suspicious of them, anything to get any advantage over you.
I AM SO GLAD YOU SEE THE TRUTH—that HE IS THE LIE.
Yes, your need for revenge will pass, it is a normal response to the injury you have suffered, the betrayal….he couldn’t let you go because that would have been HONORABLE and he is NOT honorable.
Learning all about all his lies may become an obscession for you for a while, it was with me, and Iknow some others too. But in a way, finding out as much as you have, KNOWING he is a scum bag may actually helpyou to heal. There may be down days, days when you wish the FANTASY was back, but you are on the right track. I do suggest you hire an attorney immediately, get your bank accounts and other assets where he can’t touch them, etc. any personal things of sentimental value out of the house and anything else that is yours.
If not, he will use these as “hostages” to ransom to you for one thing or another. He will not play fair in a divorce, so do expect the worst, and whatever happens, even if it is better will be a surprise that is nice, because if you expect the best, you will be UNpleasantly surprised over and over and over.
No contact is so important to allow you to heal and to get your head on straight. It will be difficult, you will want to TELL HIM OFF but good, but refrain from it if you can. If you slip, just get back on the “band wagon”and start over with NC. Most of us on this blog have been there, slipped and then picked up and started over. It is damaging to YOU to have contact with him, and he could care less about YOU–you are an object, just like his new GF is an object—completely interchangable for “supply”–that’s hard to take I know, because we all want to feel special, especially when we loved them and gave so much.
YOU are special. You are strong. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. Take care of you, and let the chips fall where they may. Be on alert and in defensive mode. There are plenty of people here who have lots of good ideas, experience and are here for you. Good luck and God bless you.
Gingermuse,
I too am the daughter of a psychopath, and believe me it isn’t any fun. I went NC with him 40 years ago and he just recently died.
I am also NC with my mother (who raised me) as she is a P-by-proxy as far as I am concerned.
I also have a P-son who is in prison and I am now NC with him as well.
All I can tell you is that having “given birth” to you does not give anyone the right to abuse you. You having given birth to them does also NOT give them the right to abuse you.
NO MATTER what, you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and NO blood relationship is worth allowing pain and abuse. I am 100% glad that my P father and my P-son are OUT OF MY LIFE. Two of my 3 half sibs (7 marriages) are also NC with him, but I haven’t seen them since childhood and we don’t have relationships either. Apparently my other half brother is just like P-father. Needless to say, there isn’t a relationship with him either.
It was difficult to “cut off” family, but I just got to a point that the pain was so bad. What is the purpose of ANY relationship if all it gives you is PAIN?
God bless and (((hugs))))
Tmasser,
If we have learned anything from sharing here, it is prepared for anything. I liked Donna’s post about custody too even if you don’t have children… just read it in terms of divorce.
I wouldn’t seek revenge on a Sociopath. They have a way of making you look like a psycho. I hate when that happens. I think the best thing to do is to learn to think one step ahead of them. If you read here long enough, their behavior is quite predictable. Just think of the most outrageous, dispicable things and that is what they are doing.
If you haven’t already, create new bank accounts for yourself and take 1/2 the money out of your joint accounts. Also, I think it’s great that you are getting the opportunity to pack while he is away. Take everything you want right now while you still have a chance. Leave nothing behind. I am a big fan of packing while they are at work!
Good luck. We’ll be thinking of you.
Tmassar,
Reading your post just gave me a feeling in the pit of my stomach because I know what that consuming hatred feels like. That feeling of betrayal and the desire for revenge are sooo familiar. But, like aloha says, revenge is not a good idea. Justice is.
If you have any big joint possessions take pictures, make sure everything is documented and get an attorney that has experience with evil exes. You have to think beyond the limit of what you considered possible. Disordered people don’t work within normal boundaries of what is decent.
But being angry is better than missing him. You can see him for what he is. Just make sure you don’t break NC under any circumstances, even to tell him off. It will be really, really tempting but in the end it will just be damaging to you, not him.
Take care and be strong.
Good morning Tmassar,
Your second day out of the FOG! Congratulations! For now your hatred is probably a good thing, an energizing thing. Long term it isn’t a good thing, but short term it will keep the old hormones flowing, but you must not let it overcome you, so that like “shock” it numbs the senses, and gives you tunnel vision.
Right now, you need all the brain cells you have in order to get “one step ahead” of the P so that he can’t rip you off financially as well as other ways.
Rule number 1: If it comes out of his mouth it is a LIE.
Rule number 2: Everything he says is a lie.
Rule number 3: He will lie to you 100% of the time.
Don’t ever forget those “three rules” of dealing with a psychopath.
For him there ARE no rules. it is dog eat dog, and he will use every underhanded dirty trick in the book tomake you think he is benign when he is NOT. He is TOXIC.
I agree, document, document, document. Get your possessions, funds, etc.
Deal ONLY with him via the attorney. If the cat means anything to you, take it when you leave. If the house is jointly owned and you want to live there, have the attorney kick HIM out. File the legal divorce immediately so that he cannot get debts in both your names before the divorce is filed.
I can’t remember where you live, but make sure that YOU know what the laws concerning divorce and property laws, insurance, etc.
If you are in an area where “fault” divorce is the rule, then you might get copies of the e mail or text messages evidence that he was having an affair. If it is a “no fault” divorce thing, then you need not bother.
I would leave a note on the door for when he got back, “John, I have filed for divorce, all future communications with me should be with my attorney, Frank smith, telephone Number 123-4567. Best wishes, Sue”
Then, do not answer the phone, if he confronts you personally somewhere, do not speak. If he tries to touch you, scream “fire” (that is more attention getting than “help”) and then run.
There are many blogs and support groups for divorce from Ps or just “divorces from hell” you might try to find one of those, and keep coming back here, we’re in your corner when you need to scream, cry or curse–or all the above. (((hugs))) prayers and best wishes.
Aloha – you’re right, revenge isn’t the answer, i won’t go there. I’m so exhausted, so angry – 13 years. I feel pitifully sorry for myself, i hate feeling this way. I’m alone today and so full of regret and sadness, all i want to do is erase my past.
He’s left messages (he’s overseas still) begging – not for another chance – but for me to hold off on divorce until he’d had a chance to “get his act together” – cut if off with the psychotic woman (!) and get counseling. Admitted that he’s sick, that she is only feeding his ego and that I never deserved any of this. I couldn’t listen to it.
Ariadne, OxDrover – i did write him yesterday morning and told him NO more contact, and that he’d hear from me next time through a lawyer. He wrote back this morning only to say he would respect my wishes and wouldn’t make the process difficult – that this was the least he owed me. He’s finally understanding it’s the end.
Yes, he is weak, dishonest, sick. I moved the rest of my stuff (i have everything now that means anything to me) out of the house.
I’m lucky in that we have no joint accounts or assets except for our house, which he’ll need to decide about, since he works here (my place is in the city where i work, about 50 miles away). The lawyer told me this can be finished quickly & quite easily, probably within 3 months. He can keep the cat, I don’t want the reminder (plus he has more space in the house than in my little apartment).
So the worst is over. He is dealt with, now it’s just dealing with the shell that used to be me. I guess I feel some relief too. I’m grateful for this blog, for my friends & family. Yes, it’s hard to let that ideal go, but surely I can find better with someone else someday, when I can feel and trust again. Breathe, calm, no more destruction. You have all given me such good advice – i so kidded myself for so long.
Free – i just watched the youtube revenge video – it made me laugh out loud, nice going…:)
Tmassar,
I am glad that things appear to be going smoothly at this point, but keep in mind, BE VIGILANT and dont let your guard down for one second until the final bell is rung. They have a way of pulling things you would NEVER EXPECT out of a hat better than the best magician. They are great at getting you to let your guard down with sweet words when behind your back they are getting ready for a big attack.
Good luck to you in your healing emotionally, and I know that will take some time, probably more time than you would think now if it is your first attack of the Ps, but You sound like a pretty sharp cookie, so be good to yourself first of all. God bless.
QUOTE: “He’s finally understanding that it’s the end” About this I say “don’t bet on it”—I have a feeling when he comes back he will be “mr nice guy” for a while, but don’t trust him whatever you do. HE IS THE LIE.
A friend just told me about this website, hence my attempt to use another source to help me get “unstuck” in my traumatizing, horrific experience with the sociopath who saw the bullseye on my forehead and the one seated in my heart. I am currently “disabled” because of the confluence of getting involved with an online fraud, and because of my own history of abuse. In spite of the pre-fraud life-long abuse, I was the “victim” and “volunteer”. I am a professional. I raised my son alone and he is a wonderful, intelligent, kind human being. After being single for 21 years, I started thinking it was about time for me. I met Mr. Fraud, found him very intelligent, charming, witty, funny, an excellent writer, and “kind”, I thought. We exchanged emails. I fell in love with the writer. We met, dated for awhile, got married and the red flags that I ignored showed up in blood red right away. I knew my mistake would cost me big time. After eight months of hell, i.e., suicide notes stuffed under the bedroom door saying “the gun is in my mouth–you can’t leave me”. In spite of many of these threats and other abuses, I left, and legally divorced. Legally divorced, but not emotionally. I stayed in that relationship for 5 more years. I thought I could help him. I guess I thought I could save him. Being in the business of mental health, I knew NEVER to ignore a suicide threat. I allowed him to continue his abuse, we dated, slept with each other, had very few good times, until he would spiral into a bi-polar episode. The verbal and emotional abuse continued. I knew that I was being held hostage by a terrorist/narcicist/sociopath/psychopath.
Some past issues in my own history of childhood abuse, became crossed up with this relationship. This rollercoaster ride sent me into anxiety, panic, and depression.
This man won. He wrote the perfect “gotcha”. I received a call from a relative that he was dead — suicide.
I haven’t worked since. I am in therapy. I am diagnosed with PTSD because of the flashbacks and nightmares. My startle response is off the charts.
I long for the feeling of protection, safety, and love. I know I am a good person with a good heart and a strong desire to contribute to the lives of others.
With all of this, I appreciate your time in reading this, and welcome any kind words. Obviously, I continue to feel the guilt associated with his death. The grief that comes with the suicide of a loved one is very different than any other. I know that he pulled the trigger and in my mind and heart, stood and watchedhelplessly, although we hadn’t communicted for 5 months.
I felt that I was losing myself completely. My spirituality no longer served me. I was in the darkest place of my life.
Coming to grips with a loved one’s suicide is especially difficult when that loved one is sociopathic. Healing means being comfortable with the shades of grey. You felt some good feelings about the relationhip and yet were also victimized by his life and by his death. I think it is most helpful for victims to view sociopaths as impaired disabled individuals who deserve understanding and compassion. Humanity towards sociopaths does not mean that we callude with or enable their horrid behavior. It means simply that we regard them as human beings, who do suffer pain. At least he is in a place where he will no longer be troubled by his impulses and in a place where he will not victimize anyone else. Thank you for sharing your story with us.