This week we received the following email. I am sharing it with you because what she reports is very common on a number of levels that I will discuss.
I was married to a sociopath for 25 years. They were horrible years because most of that time I had no idea I was married to a sociopath. I was deeply in love when we met. He told me everything I wanted to hear. Knowing all my weaknesses and fears he fed them, made me totally emotionally dependent on him. He helped me get great jobs, pumped me up so I would keep making more money, while of course he lived off me. But at the same time kept telling me I was ugly, fat, sickly. He had affairs. All of this and I still kept hoping he would change and someday really love me. He even encouraged me to do some illegal stuff — which I did — just to make him happy.
Twenty five years and when I finally couldn’t take it any more I left (8 months ago) Thought that was the end of it — but I actually kept worrying about him. He didn’t have a job or enough food to eat.
Well, he had used my computer one day when he was visiting and his email site was left on. I got curious and started reading his emails. He had been seeing other women, started relationship while he was still with me, telling them the same things he had always told me — but what I found most hurtful was that he was talking to these women about me in derogatory ways. That I was a psycho, unattractive, that I didn’t inspire him to do anything, etc. In many ways, this should have been good. Had I not seen that with my own eyes I would have never believed that my husband of 25 years who told me every day that he loved me more than life itself was bad mouthing me to these other women. I feel such anger and hatred in me that I know is not healthy”¦but I don’t know how to let it go.
I cut off all communications with him, but I still check into his emails. It’s like watching a soap opera — I’m hooked on this and don’t know how to stop. Every day when I see a new email where he’s dragging my name through the mud, it just makes me feel like crap. Even though I know he’s heartless and I should just not care what he says — I do. This is the man I slept next to for 25 years. I’m 58 years old and I can’t even think of starting a new relationship with all this distrust and hatred in my heart. How in the world would I ever trust another man? The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.
Is there any hope that I could ever get over this? I just don’t know how to move forward.
First of all 25 years is a long time to spend with another person, might as well be a lifetime. To come to grips with that, a person has to focus his/her attention on all the other things he/she did and accomplished during that time period. Usually the relationship was not the only part of life. Since the outcome was so bad the mind naturally wants to focus the attention on the bad and recovery means fighting this natural tendency.
Second, worrying about the sociopath is extremely common. Again overcoming this means focused attention. Attend to what this says about you. You are a person who cares and naturally worries about those you have loved. Just because you have a feeling does not mean you have to act on it.
The third issue, spying on the sociopath. I have seen that behavior a great deal so don’t feel you are unusual because you do this. I have also observed that the spying is often linked to anger, as is difficulty letting go.
Why would spying, anger and difficulty letting go be linked? I think this relates to a need for power and mastery over the situation. How many times have victims said, “I just didn’t want him/her to win”? I think recovery starts with admitting that we “lost” and the sociopath “won.” In the same breath though we have to question what the “prize” for winning was. If we don’t go on with our lives and recover, we give the sociopath a real prize!
The fourth issue is trusting again. That will come with recovery, but perhaps the trust for others will always be different. I will say that evil people tend to capture our attention. Some studies show that the good has to outweigh the bad 4 times in order for good to capture as much attention as bad. Evil men are much more visible in society, so make it a point to focus your attention on the loving empathetic men you know. This is difficult for many women who are attracted to power because they do not find less powerful men very attractive.
I would rephrase, “The duplicity that men are capable is incredible and every man I meet gives me the creeps.” To the duplicity of every man I focus my attention on… I am working on a book, both discussing love and empathy in men and telling the stories of men who have been victimized by sociopathic women. I am doing this to help both men and women realize that loving behavior is the norm for men. We just attend to evil/powerful men more, the loving man goes unnoticed. He is invisible to us.
That gets me to recovery and some tough advice. Recovery takes a great deal of work and self discipline. In order to have the mental discipline you will need to stop reading the emails and move on, you have to work on your physical health. If you are out of shape, smoking and/or using alcohol, you may have great difficulty recovering. The part of the brain that is responsible for will power and impulse control is easily affected by poor health andxiety and lack of sleep. Start with a total health program. That program will go a long way toward lifting anxiety and depression. Keep a healthy diet and exercise every day. I would really like us to have a virtual exercise club and I put up Fit and Smart for that purpose. On that web site you will find a free program to help structure your exercise routine.
Fill your free time with activities that build you up mentally and spiritually. Build yourself up mentally by reading and perhaps taking a class. Build yourself up spiritually by volunteering or participating in a spiritual community. If you do all these things, you will have the health and strength to focus your attention where it needs to be. The writing of M. Louise Gallagher may be an inspiration to you.
Dear Stillstuck,
I’m so sorry that you have had to endure such pain. I hope and pray that you find healing and comfort. God bless you.
Thank you Dr. Leedom and OxDrover for your responses. Dr. Leedom, your comment about “being comfortable with the shades of grey” really spoke to me. My head has been in a black and white place for the most part and my heart in a different place. Thus, so much confusion and continued angst. I need to take that comment and use it as I may in my recovery from the years of pain from this relationship.
As I continued to try to be helpful to him, I was looking at the snipets of good that I saw in him. All the while, he continued to purchase high powered handguns. I know that the end of this story could very well have been suicide/homicide. I reminded him of his mother.
I do view him as “impaired” and devastatingly damaged. I did offer him “understanding and compassion”. However, I was also sucked into, and probably at times and unknowingly, “enabled” his “horrid” behavior.
I, too, hope he is in a better place than when he was here on earth, but I long for the day when he leaves me alone. How do I loosen the grip from the grave?
Again, thank you to OxDrover for your compassion and prayer. What I believe has been missing from my recovery and therapy is the fellowship of those who have in their own story…been there.
Dear Stillstuck,
I think one of the “themes” that seems to run through healing (at least with people here on this blog and other blogs) is that so many people who have neve rexperienced such devestation as you get with a sociopath don’t “get it”—how traumatic it is. It isn’t just an “ordinary” bad relationship, it is toxic to us, it floats a fantasy before our eyes and we become addicted to these people—no matter what the relationship is. It taints every corner of our lives, our souls and our hearts.
Sometimes the anger at them (I had several in my family) would overwhelm me—the frustration, and the lack of cooperation when it all looked “so simple to me”–quit stealing, quit hurting people, quit lying, just live and “play nice.”
I did enable my P son, and worse, I deluded myself about doing it. I too am a mental health professional, and as Aloha says I was in “Informed Denial”—I love that phrase, it describes my mind and heart and what I did—I enabled, I allowed the abuse. I “tried to help” too, and though my son didn’t commit suicide, he is in prison for murder, and there was a time I wished him dead just so I didn’t have to worry about him any more. Now, I am disconnected from him, NO CONTACT—and I don’t worry about him any more, because I can’t do anything about it. It is as if my son is “dead”—dead about age 12 or so when the “problems” started. The child I loved so much, had so many aspirations for—that child IS dead. The MAN that is in prison isn’t the same person I loved.
It was very hard for me to let go, to realize I could do nothing to help him, and he was dangerous.
Believe it or not, all the chaos and pain that I have experienced in the past few years, losing my husband, losing my beloved step father, going NC with my mother, etc. attempts on my life by my son and his Trojan HOrse P partner, etc. all these things which sound like the “Perils of Pauline” have actually made my spiritual self stronger. I’ve examined myself, my part in “volunteering” to be a “victim” with multiple Ps and realized I didn’t set appropriate boundaries. I quit focusing on THEM and started focusing on ME—taking care of me, and only then did the healing start in earnest.
I am so glad that you didn’t also end up a murder victim as well. Bi-polar AND psychopathy together make a lethal combination. Either one is bad enough, but together it is frightening. I’m glad that you are receiving therapy too. It was difficult for me to be on the “wrong side of the clipboard” but at the same time, I knew I had to get it, I had to have help in dealing with the trauma of my own situation.
I too think that Dr. Leedom’s comment about the “shades of gray” makes a lot of sense.
Your question, “How do I loosen the grip from the grave?” is the same answer that goes with “how do I quit loving him?” You just DO. I think if you take care of yourself, you will start to let go in time. He can’t hurt you any more, and he can’t be hurt any more. The past is the past, and you will come to resolution with it and move to the future. I didn’t say it would be “easy” but you can—you are a powerful person, and only you can give that power away. It has taken me a long time to see that and to start to DO it. To cut myself loose from the child I loved. He doesn’t exist any more. He is gone. The only difference is that his face is not on a milk carton with a number that says “if you see this child call 1-800-missing.”
My step dad and my husband died within 6 months of each other. It may sound silly but when I went to a hospice memorial at a park near a large river. I walked down to the river and took letters that I had written to each of them, and folded like paper boats and launched them out into the current to say my final goodbyes. I was fortunate that I had been able to say my goodbyes before each had passed away, but I somehow needed to launch those paper boats with my words to them. I stood on the river bank for maybe an hour and just wept and wept and wept. Since that time I may cry some sentimental tears when I think about them, but the great wracking sobs are gone.
Your friend had many burdens, some of which weren’t his “fault” as they were genetic. Life isn’t fair and some people get nailed by the genes. My son inherited his P-genes from my biological father who was a raving violent Psychopath. My other son didn’t. That’s not fair, but it is the way things are. I don’t know the reasons for how the Universe runs, and since I quit trying to figure it out and just accept that it is what it is, and that I want to make the best of ME that I can, I don’t “worry” about it any more.
I retired not long after my husband’s acciental death, as there was so much stress that my short term memory is the pits. PTSD, and I didn’t feel that I could do patients justice, and might very well be dangerous (I am a registered famiy nurse practitioner and have worked in mental health among other fields). I don’t regret retiring early (57) at all, I think it was the wisest thing I could have done under the circumstances. I am hoping later to do some volunteer work, but I’m not even ready for that yet. I still get triggered by stories of abuse like the one on Amy’s children being murdered by their P father to get even with her, and Josef’s locking his daughter away for 24 years in a dungeon. Until I am not so easily triggered by these things I will keep working on ME. I did do some volunteer things with tornado victims this week, but that doesn’t trigger the anger or sadness like the abuse does.
I will keep you in my prayers for your healing and peace. God bless.
hi all. i have a question ,does anyone here since experiencing the s p and n devastations, have or do they meet and have a decent relationship with a normal loving man. since my experience ended and i have been healing, i think i am meeting more s p and n s especially men. i am now more aware of them so they dont get a look in as far as a relationship or any friendship with me goes, but i do seem to be meeting more or maybe i a m just more tuned into them now, not sure which it is. i am doing well in my healing so far and i am dealing with these sort of people as they pop up in my life, its astounding me how many are around, in a way this is showing me also how strong i have become to reacting to them the way i should. i w ould like to have a realtionship that lasts with a normal partner not a s p or n in my future, and now i am wondering if its even possible after all thats happened. so if anyone has some positive feed back or similar experiences please get back to me here and feel free to coment. thanks
Dear Jules,
To some extent, you MIGHT be a bit gun shy and attributing P characteristics to people who are not “actual” Ps (PCL-R) but who are ONLY “dysfunctional”—LOL However, I do think that there are more dysfunctional and/or Psychopaths out there “looking” as many of the normal and nice functional guys are taken and not on the PROWL for new relationships.
So, my guess is that probably half to three-fourths of the guys you will meet are at least semi-qualified as “major dysfunction” (that’s my “new” diagnostic term for “a loser”) and the other one quarter are simply semi-hopeless!
Since it is pretty well likely that a “bunch” of these 30 guys are “discards” or “dysfunctional” or even probably a higher percentage of Ps than in the normal population at large, the majority of these guys are not going to be people you would want.
That is so discouraging because we all want a good relationship, a loving relationship, and quite frankly I think the dearth of good men is why so many of us get hooked by what APPEARS at first to be “prince charming” I know in my case it was. I am 61 yrs old and look every day of it, so what guy my age is going to want ME when he can get a 45 yr old that looks 35? Especially if he is financially solvent etc.
Then factor in life style, mutual interests, etc. and it cuts the swath pretty narrow or a chance for me to find another soul mate. Like winning the lotto, which is only 13 million to one! When my X BF-P came along to sweep me off my feet I felt like Cinderella at the ball!
I was SOOOOOOOOOOO Needy, so depressed at the odds that I fell hook line and sinker in a matter of DAYS. I built my own fantasy up. Since getting rid of him, I have “looked” at several guys, that at first glance appeared to be “pretty close to the mark” of what I wanted in a man, but upon getting to know them AS FRIENDS first, going places with them, spending time with them, in a few months I could see that they had some SERIOUS problems that I did not want to deal with. Anger issues from previous marriages that would explode out of no where, etc.
I am no longer in the mind set to “buy a fixer-upper” model and try to “remodel” it—to use a real estate analogy. I want one in WORKING ORDER, and a few signs of normal wear and tear are okay, but MAJOR OVERHAULS are not the order of the day. Another thing I have learned is to “look under the hood” and “kick the tires” and LISTEN TO THE ENGINE.
Since I am more attuned to the RED FLAGS now, I am like you, GONE at the first sign of one, that at least I am not wasting my time and ENERGY and EMOTIONS on one, so by doing this at least I am safe.
I don’t think I am too hypervigilant or untrusting, but I NO LONGER trust indiscrimately. People must earn my trust, now, rather than start off being trusted until they start to abuse me. I am learning to set appropriate boundaries and not feel bad or guilty about it, and best of all, I am happy and content and satisfied BY MYSELF. Sure, I keep “looking” but don’t have any real expectation of finding someone, but if I do GREAT, and if I don’t, THAT’S STILL GREAT! I have a life now. MY life. It is COMPLETE by itself and it will be a lucky SOB who gets to share it with me.
hi jules…this may be totally off base, but i hypothesize that we encounter them more often now because we are hypervigilant as to what to look for and also because this is the time in life that all of their past lies are being uncovered and in the light by so many now, even their family members,now realize something doesnt add up and there are more that are single because of this…..just a thought….how many of us look back and wonder how these creatures manifested their nature in high school or college….were they all the ones we called sleazy etc???
Jules and Oxdover,
I know what you mean about older men. The ones that are still single at this atage in life are often left overs and rejects. That’s my unscientific opinion. And when I was in Hawaii, my house mate was 16 years older than me and she lamented that single men her age wanted to be with women my age even if they were a crusty old fat dude with nothing to offer.
I do notice dysfunctional behaviors much earlier now. I am dating someone now that I think is normal but he doesn’t want to have more kids and he doesn’t want to get married. So… I don’t know how much time I am going to give this. But it is RARE that I would meet anyone single and decent my age.
Often, when I see a young couple out.. in their 20’s, I wish for those times. The guys actually look like they are into the relationship and the couples look young and sweet. At my age (39), it’s all about laying out boundaries in the beginning… see above… not getting married again, no more kids, Hockey night on Tuesday… you are not invited… etc.
I am sick of it to be honest. My current guy is not the one with the Hockey but I remember a guy several years ago who told me “Hockey is my life” and then proceeded to tell me that I would NEVER be welcome to come see one if his games because it’s his night to himself. Guess what… it’s not my dream to go to all your hockey games but I didn’t like how this was a rule that I could NEVER see a game of his like this would be some huge violation. For me, I want to share my life . I sail every wednesday night for half the year and I would love to share this with someone… I only wanted to see ONE GAME… just to cheer for him and see what Hockey is all about.
I think there is something wrong when a person tells you something is the most important thing to them and you are not allowed to be included at all in it. Am I way off base?
Anyway, who cares… that is so off subject.
Yes, we do notice disordered people easily now. We are the experts.
aloha…..the creature i spent the last 3 and a half yrs with, started out the same…raquetball was for he and the guys ONLY…when i wasnt interested, then it drove him nuts in that i never wanted to go watch him…and he acted hurt that i didnt show intrest…of course i was dying to go, but didnt want to let on since it was his special time… then he brought me for awhile and i bonded nicely with his buds,and then i was out again…..dont think they have a clue what a wackadoo he truly is
Dear OxDrover, …,
and other great people out there who care for their overall human family. When I read your wise response to my shared experiences with my deceased P (i’m just learning what the initials stand for–if you have time a small list would help me interpret what I am reading when I come upon the initials). I feel like finding this website has opened up a new path to healing. As I said, I am in therapy and I have upmost respect for my therapist. She has saved me many times with her clarity and wisdom. What has been missing is a venue such as this blog as a support system for my issues.
So very true is it that even the dearest friends in my life, and especially sibblings, don’t have a clue about what this type of relationship does to us. So I have shut down with most because the blank nods, and uh, huhs fall on deaf ears. Not so here.
I haven’t worked in 2 years and realize that I probably won’t return to the field in mental health in which I worked most of my adult life. Because of the PTSD and out-of-the-blue panic attacks, I, on some days can barely drive myself to the grocery store. For right now, I am striving for a sense of safety and protection and my home is that for me.
You OxDrover spoke about wanting to do some volunteer work at some point but that will happen in time because of your PTSD. I have a similar goal because I still want to contribute in the caregiving field in some capacity.
I just want you to know that you are truly a magnificent and wise person and you ARE doing the best volunteer work that you could with the compassion, understanding, and effort that you are sharing with all of us. I truly appreciate you. The authenticity that shines through your “story” brought tears to my eyes. I have some hope as a result that I can do this. I can continue pulling on my bootstraps and charge on. The best part of this for me is to know that I am truly NOT ALONE. God Bless.
Aloha,
I agree that there are relatively few good single men out there. I know that there ARE but I think the majority are the “rejects”—
The difference now is that I AM CONTENT ALONE now, where before I felt that I was “unloveable” and “unwanted” and “lonely”—being “alone” is not the same as “lonely”—alone is a fact, but lonely is a state of mind. Just as we can get addicted to a P I was “addicted” to my husband, and when Ilost this relationship to death, I was “looking for a fix” I wanted THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHP AGAIN…but even for younger people having the kind of relationship that we had is rare.
So, enter the P with fantasies of “heaven”—and another kick in the teeth; after losing someone real, I lost a fantasy that I wanted so badly.
Now I am back to realizing that I am OK without a man or a relationship in my life. I ‘d still love to have one, but I am not going to mope the rest of my life away because I don’t have one, and I’ll be danged and hanged if I want to “fill my life” with another dysfunctional P-relationship/fantasy.
It seems sometimes that women are at a “meat market” and when a guy walks by they go “buy me, buy me! I’ll be anything you want me to be, BUY ME” now I no longer feel like the “seller” trying to find someone to buy me, but I feel like the BUYER, looking over the merchendise, but not in any big hurry to buy something unless I find JUST THE RIGHT ONE.
Right now I am in the process of buying a new riding horse, and I have been looking at various animals. I pretty much know what I want in terms of disposition, and things that are “deal breakers” etc. but I am IN NO HURRY to purchase an animal because I know that the right one will turn up in the not too distant future and I don’t want to buy one that is unsatisfactory. Horses are cheap now because the “humane” group got a “no kill rule” passed, so now people who have horses that are financially worthless just turn them out to fend for themselves or stand up and starve, so it has kicked the bucket out of the horse market, and a “Rolls Royce” can be had now for the price of a “clunker” before the law. So why should I settle for less than the best?
I think the mind set is the same now in me looking for a man, I can live well without one just like I can without a horse, and I sure don’t want a headstrong dangerous man or horse, and while the horse situation is a buyer’s market, I realize that the relationship market for my age is more limited, that’s perfectly okay too—I’m doing fine without one. I’m no longer emotionally desperate and willing to overlook the RED FLAGS.