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ASK DR. LEEDOM: “My ex-husband acts perverted around the children!”

Recently, a reader posted this in a comment about the father of her children. The comment contains several questions, I’ll address the most concerning first. To read the full comment, see Love Fraud: A spectrum (Part 1).

Another common behavior of my ex that I think affects my children is that he is kind of perverted in what he says and does. When I was married to him, he would continually grab my crotch and butt, and pinch and twist my breasts in a hurtful way, always in front of the children and always against my wishes. He also would say very sexual, inappropriate things. I notice this behavior in my oldest and youngest boys when they come home from his visits. They continually hit and grab the privates of each other in the same way my ex did. I have had to make it very clear that this behavior is not acceptable in my home. My daughter also complains that he says a lot of perverted things to her that make her uncomfortable. She says when she calls him on it, he hangs up and won’t talk to her. 

Please be aware that what you describe in terms of the sexual behavior is considered sexual abuse, especially with regard to your daughter. Sandra Brown, MA in her book Counseling Victims of Violence lists as sexual abuse of children:

“-Being made to listen to age- inappropriate dialogue containing sexual jargon or pertaining to sexual acts.

-Being looked or leered at in way that make one feel uncomfortable, or being subjected to inappropriate remarks about one’s developing body.

-Being made to watch or look at age-inappropriate literature, tapes, OR PEOPLE ACTING IN SEXUAL WAYS.” (caps mine)

Sociopaths and narcissists do so many outrageous things that we end up disregarding some of them because to deal with all of their behavior is overwhelming. Since our society is so sexual, there may be a tendency to look the other way regarding violations of sexual boundaries with children. The above behaviors listed by Sandra Brown, MA are clear violations of sexual boundaries that should be in place with children.

Father has also modeled for his sons how to use sex to gain power and abuse women. He models this behavior for his sons when he sexually humiliates their sister in front of them.

I am not suggesting that anyone in this situation, act precipitously to put a stop to it. This poor mother has already been to court once to get visitation restricted and lost. When dealing with sociopaths and narcissists, it is best to get plenty of professionals on your side and to have a well thought out plan.


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88 Comments on "ASK DR. LEEDOM: “My ex-husband acts perverted around the children!”"

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Your advice to people dealing with these situations is very, very true. It is foolish to procede if you don’t have professionals on your side and you don’t have a well-thought out plan. Don’t even bother to seek the help of the courts if you don’t. The odds are against you if you are trying to show emotional or sexual abuse. It is difficult to get professionals on your side if they come into the situation after the marriage separation occurs, especially if your ex is a good liar. The professionals will not know who to believe. Documentation is very important. Keep all notes and phone messages. If you can, have neighbors document any crazy behavior they have witnessed. I would even suggest taping phone calls. The calls can not be used in court, but they can be given to professionals so that they “hear” the truth and support you. I would also have the police document events…even if the police give you a hard time…be persistent. You need documentation. Also, recently I have read about psychologist who have become specialized in legal matters regarding these kinds of personalities. They are very expensive, but I think they are necessary because they know how to piece all the information together to the courts. They also will only advocate for what is best for the children. It sounds like they really comb through the evidence…to determine what is going on…and then develop a plan with your lawyers on how to present it all. They also provide coaching for how to present your side to the GAL. I found out about these psychologist consultants after the fact. I think it would be a great service to readers of this site, if we could look into these psychologists, determine if they are really and truly qualified, and then provide their names as a resource. I think I put too much faith in the court system, and in the lawyers and counselors involved in my case. You can not do that. They may not understand sociopaths and narcissists and can easily misguide you.

I have seen S give my 4 year old grandson painful wedgies. Or he would pinch his but or grab at it when he walked by. This continued until I put an end to it by telling S that it was inappropriate.
Also S’s real dad while we visited them a few years back joked about how he would rub his little bichons pee pee. (His dad was intoxicated like he is every single night and when I gave him this really shocked look, he just shrugged his shoulders and in a baby voice said to S, well doesn’t it feel good when someone rubs your pee pee? Of course S’s mom laughed right along with everyone else.

And, just recently this past week, while my daughter who is 21 was visiting for a few days heard a remark made totally in her presence about how he could see my camel toe. Not sure if you all know what that is, but it’s a part of my anatomy. I gave him a disgusted look and said, stop it, that is so no appropriate. He shrugged it off and acted like nothing was out of the ordinary.

Bibleannie, One word about the IL’s behavior,”ewwwwwwww”.

kim,
even more than that possibly “beastialiity”?

I picked up on my P ex BF’s behavior around his 7 year old niece…he was inappropriately using “bad language” laughing AT and encouraging her when she played with her toys in a sexual way….he wolf whistled… he actually wolf whistled..that’s the perviest signal but yes I was overwhelmed with red flags and was hormonally bonded to him making denial my first port of call…(so sorry now) all I could say was..please remember she is first a child and second a lady…please treat her accordingly..(I know…he just looked through me like a blade of glass …I knew, I knew what he was even then, and sadly I deluded myself for another year…culminating in me warning his mother, the child’s mother and father that he was not safe to be alone with a child. (She had left her child over with him for 2 months in the summer…) They all treated me like I was deranged…but at least I warned them. It’s not that he would overtly sexually abuse, but he grooms….yes it was deffnitely grooming her into a certain way of being a female…

my s in his last marriage was the stepfather of a girl and a boy. He told me that in those kids eyes, he hung the moon. That their mother was bi-polar, wouldn’t take care of the house or laundry or her kids.
What I’ve gathered is that he became the c hildrens caregiver. That their mom refused to take her medicine because she put on weight.
Back to the point! For some reason this women moved out and took her kids. He pretty quick moved to another state to start over. That’s when I met him.

During one of our many, many moves in 3 years, I found at the bottom of his wardrobe bag, another bag at the very bottom and I dumped it on the floor. Just at that moment he walked in the room, saw the boys and girls soiled underware laying there and loioked panicked….stupid stupid me, I was in such shock that I told myself it had to be something he dragged along with him without realizing what was in the bag. No other bags at all, just this one.

Anyway, I just said to throw them out. And, the most unbelieveable thing is just 5 minutes before this happened, he was outside (intoxicated) with a friend he reconnected with from his wild years, at they were loading up the truck with furn, my S told this guy the joke about being kicked out of girlscouts for eating a brownie. I apologize for how sick that is, but the worst part about it if it could be any worse, was that the little 11 year old neighbor girls just happened to be walking by when he jokingly said this to his friend. All this within 10 minutes.

God was telling me at that time to run like fire, but I was already in shock as I just lost my dad a week earlier. My mind was so foggy from greif.
Can a S change in two years since this happened> I have wanted to believe over and over again, he just got better and better at playing the role of what he thought I want to see.
Thank you Lord for this website.

QUOTE: STAYING SANE: “It’s not that he would overtly sexually abuse, but he grooms”.yes it was deffnitely grooming her into a certain way of being a female” ”

DON’T BET ON THAT BEING TRUE—more of them act on that than you might imagine!

bibleannie,

I am so glad you have “come out of the fog” that you said you were in after your father’s death and now see that your s is “getting better at playing the role of what he thought you wanted to see”. Start making plans to seperate from this man. You are in some kind of weird game and will not see clearly until you get some distance from him. I am so glad you “woke up” and found this site! If he is an s – he won’t change. You will just spend the rest of your life trying to get him to change.

Oxy, AGREE!

The recent book that Mckensy Phillips has written ( High On Arrival) has reopened alot of wonds for me. My sister was groomed from birth to be my dads sexual toy. Although I will never understand how this is possible it did happen – this (secret) eventually caused my sister to take her own life – when I think of the tormented life she lived I am ashamed of my own emotional problems,..But being a victim of incest and hiding the truth and protecting the abuser is only too familiar with me.,of all my childhood demons this one has done more damage to my spirit than any. So Dr Leedom I would say any behavior that one finds uncomfortable ( IS ) and should never be ignored because ones life is at risk – and for some only death can undo the damage done to them at the hands of someone they loved.

Henry,
I have no words to say that will take away your pain, though I wish that I did. I am so very sorry that nobody protected you and your sister from the abuse that you suffered and for the pain and feelings of loss that you carry with you today. I think you should allow your little boy self to mourn all that you lost and follow that with some gesture to honor the memory of your sister. Light a candle, plant a flowering tree, make a donation in her name… it won’t change the past but it will be meaningful to you in the present.

Many hugs,
Hecate’s Path

(((((((HENRY))))))))

For once, words fail me—-

henry,
I have missed you to. Because you are special here…

I don’t know much about much but I do know that suicide is a very difficult death to grieve.
And it take years and years to make peace with. (if ever) I think I have come to this peace however something can always trigger some “unresolved” piece on occasion and I take a step backwards.

I agree with HPs post above. Try and heal your spirit as we see your spirit shinning through, (on LF) but it would be better if you could “feel” your awesome spirit “shinning” as well.

Hi Henry, good to hear from you.
there’s nothing I can say to express how sorry I am for what happened in your childhood. When I can’t find any silver lining in a cloud I grab the one that always comforts me: at least we didn’t become P’s.

hi skylar – witsend and everyone at LF – thanks for the kind words – I have missed every 1

HENRY……
I’m sorry darling….I guess we always have more healing huh? DANG!

I was mortified with this information and touched a bit of home in me too. I was a victim of incest by my brother….
I see how/why victims keep this quiet and internalize…..all the challenges….of exposure… the blame, shame etc….ONLY to have the public rip you to shreds and blame the victim!

I don’t know what to say….I’m sorry!
XXXOOO
EB

I agree with Henry. My stepfather was like this toward my sister and me. It started when we were 7 and 6 when he tried to french kiss us. He was constantly making inappropriate comments like asking us if we ever got our horn scraped or asking if he could feel us up. These innuendos went on until we grew up and moved out. We had family showing of porn films in our living room when we were teenagers. There was also physical abuse/violence so we were afraid to stand up to him. The damage this did was two-fold. I grew up with a lot of repressed anger which I had to find ways to let out. I was eventually able to let go of it and forgive him. But the most damaging part is that I was never able to trust or forgive my mother for allowing it to happen. She stayed with him till the day he died at 70. Not being able to trust my mother has affected every area of my life. So if you are a mother whose husband is treating your kids like that, please GET OUT for the sake of the kids. I begged my mother to leave him for years. I knew he was sick. She refused, even though she was college educated and had a good job. It was just her blatant narcissism. She didn’t want to be alone. When I realized I was trapped there, that’s when I stopped believing in God.

star your momster is like mine – she knew what was going on and did nothing to protect us – she would beat and blame my sister for this, when she should of shot him (my dad) between the eyes..that is why I responded to this thread – please protect your children or any child if something seems out of place

Erin xxxoooo 2u2

Stargazer and Henry. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Parental abuse is a completely different kind of hurt. It’s so disorienting.

Yep….same queen of denial mother over here too…
I don’t even think she told my father about the sexual abuse from my brother….even after it took me months to muster up the balls to tell her….that really never occured to me until now….I guess I assumed she did, because I would have….But….hmmm.
Maybe this is why, when the shit hit the fan as a teen and I became very vocal about my brother….my dad seemed shocked? Maybe/maybe not? Hmmmmm.
SO…..that was the beginning of my becoming a hermafrodite (sp?) I grew balls at that point.
I put a stop to it myself….THEN….I met the s!
Can we say….TARGET….Hey I’m over here….Hey, HEY…..I’m a ripe one!
How the hell could I know at 13?
I couldn’t! No way…..
BUT…NOW I DO…..and my balls grew with my adult puberty stage…..then got a big shot of testosterone when I was diagnosed with C…..then realized all the lies…..
and went adolescent apeshit on him in the courts!
I castrated him…..but still retain MY balls!

XXOO Ya’ll

I want to tell you all I had a GREAT day today…..I was very productive on the S information awareness raising venue.
I can’t go into details jsut yet…..but I will share when I know more!
Keep on keepin on….

Erin, Why dont you just call her Cleopatra? {Queen of de Nile, get it? LOL!}GemXX

Gem….are you in a spunky mood this am!
Good one!
🙂

It was xmas Eve in the Harem,
Holly was hung in the halls,
“What do you want for Xmas, boys?
And the Eunuchs answered, “BALLS!”
Gem.XX

Gem that’s naughty!
But I’m gonna remember it and print out Christmas cards and send it to all my P acquaintances.

well, this hit home:(

My father was a man who liked young girls, but as the Family of de-nile often remind me he never touched US so that is ‘okay’. He did however, lend us to friends to take swimming (in lakes, in the country, with ill fitting bathers) and when we were in puberty always comment on our bodies, and wanted to take us out to ‘pretend we were his girlfriends’, had an unhealthy obsession with how beautiful and clever a niece of his was ect, ect …yuk.

The S/P I knew was WAY too sexual in front of his kids, always ‘getting it out’ in front of them, would be sexually suggestive in front of them, in front of my kids, towards my daughter, his porn addiction and online sexual encounters would take place while the kids were ‘locked’ out on the otherside of the door hearing everything… I warned his ex wife about it, she MUST have known about it, she lived with the creep, but she continued to allow him unsupervised access…

He actually told me how he had ‘had a laugh’ with his boss about the way WE had sex, (little bit of extra humilliation for me) the way he said it was soo sleezy and disgusting, graphic and innapropriate, I cant understand why she would, as a well respected Family Practitioner, not hear alarm bells. i.e a man who talks like this about women he is close to, in the work place, should NOT be sent out into poor areas to do paps on vulnerable girls alone ( he wants to work on isolated reservations ..I wonder why, the evil b****d), but that is just me being a hysterical ‘crazy’ prude… more laughs at my expense ect.ect. I guess this is him ‘grooming’ his work collegues too in order to make way for future possibilities to be ‘overlooked’ because its ‘just his quirkyness’ and ‘free’ nature… puke, puke,puke.

My father is dead, and can therefore do no further damage, and the S/P, well I hope he comes unstuck nice and quick.

‘Sociopaths and narcissists do so many outrageous things that we end up disregarding some of them because to deal with all of their behavior is overwhelming.’ It’s true.

Henry said ‘I would say any behavior that one finds uncomfortable ( IS ) and should never be ignored because ones life is at risk – and for some only death can undo the damage done to them at the hands of someone they loved.’ This is RIGHT Henry.( I am so sorry for what you and your family have been through xxxx)

Like I have said before, I have done all I can with these two, I have ‘blown my whistle loud’, it has fallen on deaf ears (or ears with fingers in them) so I now have to ‘let it fly’, and try to undo the damage to ME and mine.

P.S, I am in a kind of ‘quite place’ with all this now, I hope this doesnt sound awful, but even though I am talking about it, it doesnt HURT me as much anymore, I have definitely developed a ‘sort’ of indifference… active indifference(?), in that If I got a sniff of it again I would act…. but these vile behaviours and actions from MY past feel so apart from me and my life now… its NOT my Ch**t its THEIRS sort of thing… what do you guys think about this? Blue xxxx

blueskies,
The “quiet place” that you are with all of this right now is a place of healing. I don’t think it sounds awful at all, if you are hurting less, that means that you are slowly letting go of the pain.

Dealing with the childhood pain is always the hardest of all pain to heal. We have owned it for so long. Or does it “own” us for so long? I’m not sure but either way it has been with us and it is the hardest of all to let go of.

The Ch*** always was theirs and not yours….But it felt like yours because you were GIVEN that burden as a child.
The biggest difference of abuse from childhood and abuse we suffer as adults is that we didn’t play an “active role” in our abuse as a child. We had NO CHOICE whatsoever in the matter. But those feelings attatched to the abuse linger within us, sometimes for a lifetime. Often times it is guilt and shame that do the most damage. Even though the SHAME and GUILT should belong to the abuser and not the abused……It often attaches itself to us because we were so young. (and helpless in the situation)

Letting go of this can enpower us, I think. In a way like we might have never felt enpowered before.

two thoughts… well, ok, three…

1) I came back to this thread to read possible replies of support to Henry, as his pain was on my mind throughout the day today, and was so saddened to “hear” so many more sad stories of abuse… know that tears were shed as a was reading for each of you whose childhood innoncence was taken from you…

2) Amidst those stories I was deeply moved to know in spite of those experiences, those of you who shared such stories are, at the heart of it all, resilient SURVIVORS and that in sharing your experiences you are helping and protecting others from such abuse in ways that you may never know. Each of you may be the angel that saves another child…

3) and finally, on a less serious note… Erin, you crack me up! You have such a way with words and offered me a bit of needed comic relief after reading of such the heartwrenching pain and suffering of my LF friends. Life has made you one tough cookie, my friend!

Ok, there’s a 4th thing – Henry, I caught your other comment and am sorry your grandkids have been sick – not fun! about staying well this season – I am the queen of hand sanitizer at work!! 🙂

Peaceful thoughts to all of you these evening!
HP

Hecates:
I can be a pussy cat too……WHEN I WANT TO!!!!!

I guess I missed the Emily Post course. 🙂

I am up to ‘no good’ again today! A bit of recon and exposure to the right authorities…..hmmmmmm
I will tell you….the s sure primed me up for life…..it really was all a gift!

You have a wonderful evening as well Hecates…..
Thanks for your post.
XXOO

This is awful.

Hecates – Bluesky and All – My father died of cancer a few months after my sister died. My mother is in a rest home (looking in the mirror applying make-up)..All that is left is my older brother and myself. I guess this saga of insest and dysfunction will end when we all are gone. I have very little to do with my older brother as he was as guilty as my parents in the abuse of my sister and myself. But my only triumph is to live and love and accept what cant be changed or undone. That is my victory with my ex (S) as well – live and love and be present and productive in life – I try my best not to give them one more second of my life – a work in progress – thanks Hecates for your compassion and concern.

Henry:
We must do what we must do my dear. It’s all part of lifes journey…..
You are rising above, helping others while you help yourself through this lifetime!
Thanks for your heartfelt posts…..we are a work in progress!
XXOO

‘A work in progress’ I love that:)x
‘triumph is to live and love and accept what cant be changed or undone.’ I also love that! What beautiful words to come here and read Henry.x

Witsend:)x Thank you for your reply:)xx letting go is empowering:) It is also a process, that has to be gone through:)x You cant just SAY it can you?xx Its not like ‘ruby slippers’… home, home, home! You have to walk the whole way!
Much love.x

wow I was gone a month and I stick my head in the door and chit hit’s the fan – anyway this is a good place with lot’s of good people, we all have opinions and sometimes we should keep them too ourselves – any way I was thinking about the name calling last nite – specially calling us victims – This is my take on being a victim – some of us are victims of many things and never know it – victim’s of a car jacking or a bomb or a tornado, yes we get that and deal with it…but many victims of emotional abuse, child abuse, sexual abuse, love abuse dont know they are being abused, for some it takes a very horrible break down or break through to see we are victims and that is when and only when we can choose to remain a victim or not..

Here’s to survivors!

i also noticed my pyscho was very inappropiate with his hands in public why is that it was creepy

DEar Tony’s mom,

There’s a lot of things that are creepy about them, sometimes just the way they look at someone.

I heal and then something else happens. Always seems like two steps forward and one back.
I confided recently in a close friends stepfather.
He is the monster behind many of my friends issues I’m sure of it now. I called him a Psychopath to his face and was frozen in fear of what I had just opened up.
I’m not in a situation with my friend to speak to them about the stepfather. I have let the stepfather email me so I would have proof that he is the pervert I know him to be now.
This has made be feel so victimized again.
There are so many sick sick people.

Sotired, good for you for sticking up for your friend! What do you mean by having him email you? If you have proof, you can call your local police….please do, even rural police departments now have training and can at the very least document issues and keep you safe. You do what you can, but please protect yourself.

I may log out soon tonight, but others are here on LF.

Dear Sotired,

I’m not sure what you meant about the “e mail” either, was he hitting on you? What’s the age difference, is he married etc? In any case if you are not interested it is inappropriate.

I’m glad you stuck up for yourself though, that is GOOD PROGRESS so give yourself a TOWANDA and an ATTA GIRL!!!

The 2 forward 1 back is normal in the healing process sweetie, so don’t let it bother you at all, that’s the way it goes! sometimes it is 2 forward and THREE backwards, but as long as we keep pointing in the right direction and taking a step we will GET THERE.

Yes, it does make you feel victimized again, but that’s a GOOD SIGN that you are RECOGNIZING when you are victimized. Before when we were victimized we didn’t recognize that we were being abused and we thought we could fix’em, now you KNOW YOU CAN’T, and NOW you won’t STAND FOR IT! GREAT JOB!!!!!

My friend (exbfspath) that I had a long term friendship/relationship, whatever you can all these encounters is hitting rock bottom at some level.

I pulled away, hostilely one year ago because I was tired of his drinking and gambling. I was being used at this point and angry. I didn’t know his family well, and have been prayerfully praying for guidance. One day a month ago I felt I was to speak to the stepfather, to leave him my contacts so if the ex did get intervention I wanted to be notified. I still wanted to see my ex saved.

I offered my phone number and email to the stepfather because I told him I wanted to be contacted if there was an intervention. I know all of this is crazy stupid still on my part.
I had reason to believe there had been some type of intervention the weekend before, but I was wrong.

After giving the stepfather my information, he started telling me and talking to me inappropriately. It was so disgusting I was temporarily frozen but I knew what he was.
He said he could get me into the adult business, had friends etc he could help me get started, etc etc.

He’s married to my ex’s mother and now I see two victims of this man.

I asked if son and wife knew what he was doing. He said no. Stepfather said in the third person, “I take care of Xname first and then I take care of my family.”

It was chilling, and I said you are a psychopath. He laughed and said yeah, I do take care of myself.

So, after I had told him initially of my concerns for my ex (who has had to move back into the stepfather/mothers house because he is broke from gambling and makes close to $100,000.00 a year) i see him and his mother as victims now.

My ex changed so much from when I met him. I was tired of babysitting, and had given him money to pay off a gambling debt. Stupid me and I kept learning until I said no more a year ago.

We stayed in contact a few times. He is commitment phobic, was with me but now has a (GF??) hanging out at the parents house. This I am jealous of but of course he must be using her for something.

Yes i’m healing but I can’t get him to completely leave space in my head. I remember the good times, I remember someone that never existed.

The emails I want to have for proof that the stepfather crossed the line with me.

He hasn’t done anything illegal to me technically but I am afraid he will turn a story on me. I still care about the stepson, but in the end I know it’s just better to run like hell right now.

It’s scary, stepfather sent me links to sites to look at. Now I have an email asking me to get him Viagra. When I scrolled down I saw something else. I’ll post it here with some name changes but the end of the post is terrifying. Not sure it went with this email but got copied to it.
Here it is:

—–Original Message—–
From: xl.com
To: xl.com
Sent: 2010 1:50 pm
Subject: stimulation

“”Here is one of the links I saved, just in case I got a chance to order from them. You could order with no questions asked for me couldn’t you?”””

Xname

<<<>>>>

THEN I SCROLLED DOWN AND FOUND THESE WORDS>

But they
did not find it.

Put out your little tongue that I may cut it off as my
payment. His speech faltered again and again.

{{{{{{Henry}}}}}} I’m so sorry for your loss, and you’re in my positive thoughts and prayers.

Thank you, Liane, for this IMPERATIVE article. The majority of the spaths that I’ve known display inappropriate sexual behavior and innuendo. At first, “normal” people write it off as someone just being funny, but as OxD pointed out, the likelihood that these people are acting out their perversions is pretty good.

The ex spath brought our firstborn son to me for a feeding when he was a week old. His shirt was off and he was nursing our son at his own breast. He told me, “It just happened, and if you tell anyone about it, I’ll flatly deny it!”

My state of mind, at that time, was pretty grim and I passed it off as the ex spath somehow “needing” to experience his feminine side – DENIAL. What I failed to respond to was my personal outrage and shock in lieu of “security.” I had no friends, no job, and a brand new baby, and I still believed that I loved this Thing.

Even prior to this episode, there were plenty of red flags that I ignored. The ex spath was constantly making remarks about sex and begging for details of my past sexual experiences. He would describe, in detail, his previous sexual activities and compare my performance to encounters that he’d had before me. This evolved slowly – not an instant light-switch event, but very slowly. At one point, he began insisting that we bring in a third party (another man) to participate in sex, and I always managed to decline. He also began to demand that I strike him during sex. He also wanted to strike me, which I also denied – then, he started doing it, anyway.

When a potential partner opens the door to the “dark side” of sex – perversions, pornography, and activities that make us feel uncomfortable and/or humiliated, it’s a SCREAMING, FLAPPING, WAVING RED FLAG. They’re not interested in anyone else’s enjoyment – they are only interested in satisfying more, and more perverse needs. When that creepy feeling commences, it’s time to assess everything, as a whole.

I wish that I had known then what I do now, but if wishes were fishes, world hunger wouldn’t be an issue.
😉

Sotired!!! OMIGOD!!!!!!!!!!!! NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!! ew

Dear Sotired,

Sweetie, I know there are tendencies to look back at the good and the WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN but you need I think to disengage completely from these people.l Sure the X may be a “victim” of his step father, but he is also an abuser/user and hhis mother is a victim of her husband but that is NOT YOURS TO FIX, it is theirs to fix, you need to get out of this whole thing, block the jerk’s e mail, block his calls, or do not answer them.

Don’t get involved in this drama it can ONLY backfire on you like playing with a poison snake! You can’t win, only lose. Even if you cut the snake’s head off, you are still gonna die from the bite! ((((Hugs)))))

OxD, spot-on. We cannot be responsible for someone else’s status, as much as we wish we could make things right.

OxDrover and Buttons:

Thank you for your comments. I am so sad about this. I know in my head I can’t fix this, my heart just aches so much from this I can’t begin to tell you.

I have no more email in my box from the stepfather today. He really scared me with the last.

I know I can’t win, I really do know this but heart aches and aches.

I hope I have not put myself to far into this trying to have proof that it will backfire on me. I have proof, he really has nothing on me other than I asked questions about my exbf and told him some things that he could use against me but I have so much more anyway that is ugly.

One of his emails he forwarded with his “Real” email address, and not the fake one, where he changes his name with a name that rhymes with his.

There are so many more important things in my life and I can’t focus too much on this but I get caught up in it sometimes. I have prayerfully been faithful to try and have discernment and ended up here again when I thought it was God leading me to speak to the stepfather.

Hopefully the stepfather will keep his mouth shut to my exbf about me as I have enough to prove he is a monster.

Exbf is living in their house right now because he has lost everything to gambling. I just never imagined exbf could be in so much danger there, and his mother but they are, apparently they are just existing and my exbf has learned to use people and to be cold to survive. I don’t know. Just so very sad.

I don’t have a chance to follow my posts so I appreciate when I come back and have found support. Thank you all for your stories that help me to go on too.

Thanks OXY for all of your (((((HUGS)))).

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