Understanding that sociopaths murder the spirit

Here is an e-mail exchange that recently took place between me and a Lovefraud reader:

Arlene: I was married to a man for 23 years. I found out so much in the last few years. He murdered my soul, my spirit, and financially devastated me. He moved another woman … brainwashed my children. My 18 yr old now is on cocaine…she was a nice girl…he has trashed her also and she is not living with me. The children now that were close to me are not empathetic and cold.

He grew in power and is an intellectual. He spread vicious rumors about me to cover his tracks. I am just to move on. Even though I was such a devoted mother and this family was my life. I have tried everything to recover and I am alone. You see I have no extended family. Some friends but they have their own lives.

For me I cannot forget my children… I am human…I have such pain daily. I feel nonexistent in my life. I cannot recover from the loss of my family and to see them turn out cold and unloving is too much than I can bear. I pray everyday for God just to take me home. Because living life without love is no life at all.

I was more into the connection of my family’s life and he made sure I was disconnected, so well planned. I repeat many of the scenarios I read on your love fraud…so I know I am not alone. Like one day … I was thrown out of my life planned…I was used all those years … and treated like trash and devalued. The loss of my soul…the loss of my smile”¦my hopes…my dreams. I just want to die.

Donna: Please do not act on your statements. I truly understand the pain Ӭand devastation that you are feeling, but you must not give in to it. ӬSociopaths are evil. They are professional manipulators. Whatever Ӭhappened is not your fault. You did not deserve it. The best thing Ӭyou can do is to recover.

Please seek professional help. Make sure whatever counselor you see Ӭunderstands sociopaths, because not all of them do.

Arlene: Yes they are evil. But you see I have been to counseling …and it does not make it any easier. Because normal people have human connections and emotions and they have none. I cannot forget the memories of my children…my children have turned out as manipulators themselves and with no empathy. I never thought it would be possible. But he not only damaged me…he damaged them permanently.

THANK YOU FOR CALLING it EVIL because no one understands but us…it is entirely different than a normal divorce or split up. When you come in contact with evil it seems to change you for the rest of whatever life you have. If you are young…there is a better chance of recovery because you can start maybe with a new family. I am turning 50 years and I was looking forward to the connections with my children for the future and the grandchildren and that is all gone now. It seems that I wasted all those years and all the work I did was for nothing. But thank you for your comments they mean so much as I know that you really understand where I am coming from.


I wish there was a formula, a prescription, a therapy, for making the pain inflicted by sociopaths—such as Arlene is experiencing—go away. I don’t know of any.

All Lovefraud can offer is understanding.

First of all, Lovefraud helps people understand what they are dealing with. Sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. They feel no emotional connections to other people. They have no family and friends, only prey and pawns. People who have tangled with a sociopath are not stupid, they were targeted.

Secondly, Lovefraud is becoming a community of people who understand and can empathize with the experiences of those who have been targeted. We know what it’s like to be deceived, bankrupted, assaulted and then ignored by people in authority while the sociopaths go on their merry ways.

I can only hope that these two types of understanding can serve as a foothold, a starting point, a ray of hope, so that the victims like Arlene can begin recovery.

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90 Comments on "Understanding that sociopaths murder the spirit"

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Don’t want to argue…especially if it sounds like i am defending her, but HE was the one who had her over, and I know how calculating he is.
The only reason I know they did it in the house was because I had tape recorder running.
He had already chosen her over me, was on a mental health leave because of what he did, and ordered to see a therapist. The house was already on the market.
He denies they did it in the house to this day.

Just thought the WHOLE story might change things. He had been working on her for years; he had her snagged before we were even married.

he’s not even good looking

FAD-I unfortunately was the OW in my relationship with my spath-I was conned. What I did was bad enough but going anywhere near your home, much less sleeping with him in your home, sounds really evil and spathy to me. I know I am not a spath but I was victimized by one. All I can say was that I never even knew where my spath lived for sure until we broke up. I did find out afterward-since he was smearing me and had threatened to attack. Like ErinB says-I always wanted to know where he was, and he doesn’t live that from me-in the same suburb of the city. Sleeping with him in your home is EVIL!

So what do you think?

“No problem. I figured you might not have realized it was me.”


“No hard feelings. You must have been surprised to see me there.”

I would have ignored the email or said what Sky said-I thought you were someone else. My spathy sister emailed me the other night trying to manipulate me by using her daughter and then tried to make me accept N mother back into my life. I ignored the email.


Yeah. I guess you don’t know until it happens to you. You probably didn’t even know yours was married.
I have had married men touch me and I am immediately turned off.

Jerkette actually met me, and we sent her the baby pictures.

She did tell me that he stopped loving me three months into the marriage. And they figured they were sole mates, he just got impatient and married the wrong girl (because she was married at the time). It all sounded like stuff he fed her.

All I hope is that they don’t last. Please dear LORD.

I don’t have the guts to say what sky would say.

Why does this even bother Jerkette….nothing needed to be said and now i AM here “holding the bag”!!!

You have the guts to do whatever you want!

you say you don’t have the guts because you think she will KNOW that you are lying. But she won’t know. You have to say it as though you mean it – it’s easy in an email. Lie like a spath.

This will confuse her. And that’s what you want with spaths. Just ignore the rest of the “I want to be friends” crap. Act as though you are shocked to receive the email because you REALLY DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS HER.

This is just weird. I don’t want to deal with her. I want to be neutral. I know he has her thinking enough of me, and if I am as awful as he says I am, why would she care if I like her or not. Especially because there were not witnesses.
Life would have gone on, and now she has made a big deal out of it…behind his back…really. He didn’t even have to know she didn’t wave to me.
I don’t want to live up to her false expectations of me.

I guess nothing in her e-mail deserves a reply does it?

It’s an apology. AHHHH.

Maybe, “No problem. I didn’t think anything of it.”


I would not reply at all.

Keep in mind, that anything you say will be twisted one way or another and you are going to keep the drama going if you “say your lines” so I would IGNORE HER E MAIL.

The hateful things she has said to you are probably fed to her by him, but you know, she is the one writing them. So, I would not respond about anything she says that isn’t about Junior.

If you feel you must respond, I would just say. “I had to bring Junior’s bedding to school.” NOTHING ELSE, NO “DEAR JERKETTE” OR ANYTHING ELSE. Just the FACT


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