Recently, a reader posted this in a comment about the father of her children. The comment contains several questions, I’ll address the most concerning first. To read the full comment, see Love Fraud: A spectrum (Part 1).
Another common behavior of my ex that I think affects my children is that he is kind of perverted in what he says and does. When I was married to him, he would continually grab my crotch and butt, and pinch and twist my breasts in a hurtful way, always in front of the children and always against my wishes. He also would say very sexual, inappropriate things. I notice this behavior in my oldest and youngest boys when they come home from his visits. They continually hit and grab the privates of each other in the same way my ex did. I have had to make it very clear that this behavior is not acceptable in my home. My daughter also complains that he says a lot of perverted things to her that make her uncomfortable. She says when she calls him on it, he hangs up and won’t talk to her.
Please be aware that what you describe in terms of the sexual behavior is considered sexual abuse, especially with regard to your daughter. Sandra Brown, MA in her book Counseling Victims of Violence lists as sexual abuse of children:
“-Being made to listen to age- inappropriate dialogue containing sexual jargon or pertaining to sexual acts.
-Being looked or leered at in way that make one feel uncomfortable, or being subjected to inappropriate remarks about one’s developing body.
-Being made to watch or look at age-inappropriate literature, tapes, OR PEOPLE ACTING IN SEXUAL WAYS.” (caps mine)
Sociopaths and narcissists do so many outrageous things that we end up disregarding some of them because to deal with all of their behavior is overwhelming. Since our society is so sexual, there may be a tendency to look the other way regarding violations of sexual boundaries with children. The above behaviors listed by Sandra Brown, MA are clear violations of sexual boundaries that should be in place with children.
Father has also modeled for his sons how to use sex to gain power and abuse women. He models this behavior for his sons when he sexually humiliates their sister in front of them.
I am not suggesting that anyone in this situation, act precipitously to put a stop to it. This poor mother has already been to court once to get visitation restricted and lost. When dealing with sociopaths and narcissists, it is best to get plenty of professionals on your side and to have a well thought out plan.
hens
The recent book that Mckensy Phillips has written ( High On Arrival) has reopened alot of wonds for me. My sister was groomed from birth to be my dads sexual toy. Although I will never understand how this is possible it did happen – this (secret) eventually caused my sister to take her own life – when I think of the tormented life she lived I am ashamed of my own emotional problems,..But being a victim of incest and hiding the truth and protecting the abuser is only too familiar with me.,of all my childhood demons this one has done more damage to my spirit than any. So Dr Leedom I would say any behavior that one finds uncomfortable ( IS ) and should never be ignored because ones life is at risk – and for some only death can undo the damage done to them at the hands of someone they loved.
Hecates path
Henry,
I have no words to say that will take away your pain, though I wish that I did. I am so very sorry that nobody protected you and your sister from the abuse that you suffered and for the pain and feelings of loss that you carry with you today. I think you should allow your little boy self to mourn all that you lost and follow that with some gesture to honor the memory of your sister. Light a candle, plant a flowering tree, make a donation in her name… it won’t change the past but it will be meaningful to you in the present.
Many hugs,
Hecate’s Path
Ox Drover
(((((((HENRY))))))))
For once, words fail me—-
witsend
henry,
I have missed you to. Because you are special here…
I don’t know much about much but I do know that suicide is a very difficult death to grieve.
And it take years and years to make peace with. (if ever) I think I have come to this peace however something can always trigger some “unresolved” piece on occasion and I take a step backwards.
I agree with HPs post above. Try and heal your spirit as we see your spirit shinning through, (on LF) but it would be better if you could “feel” your awesome spirit “shinning” as well.
skylar
Hi Henry, good to hear from you.
there’s nothing I can say to express how sorry I am for what happened in your childhood. When I can’t find any silver lining in a cloud I grab the one that always comforts me: at least we didn’t become P’s.
hens
hi skylar – witsend and everyone at LF – thanks for the kind words – I have missed every 1
ErinBrock
HENRY……
I’m sorry darling….I guess we always have more healing huh? DANG!
I was mortified with this information and touched a bit of home in me too. I was a victim of incest by my brother….
I see how/why victims keep this quiet and internalize…..all the challenges….of exposure… the blame, shame etc….ONLY to have the public rip you to shreds and blame the victim!
I don’t know what to say….I’m sorry!
XXXOOO
EB
Stargazer
I agree with Henry. My stepfather was like this toward my sister and me. It started when we were 7 and 6 when he tried to french kiss us. He was constantly making inappropriate comments like asking us if we ever got our horn scraped or asking if he could feel us up. These innuendos went on until we grew up and moved out. We had family showing of porn films in our living room when we were teenagers. There was also physical abuse/violence so we were afraid to stand up to him. The damage this did was two-fold. I grew up with a lot of repressed anger which I had to find ways to let out. I was eventually able to let go of it and forgive him. But the most damaging part is that I was never able to trust or forgive my mother for allowing it to happen. She stayed with him till the day he died at 70. Not being able to trust my mother has affected every area of my life. So if you are a mother whose husband is treating your kids like that, please GET OUT for the sake of the kids. I begged my mother to leave him for years. I knew he was sick. She refused, even though she was college educated and had a good job. It was just her blatant narcissism. She didn’t want to be alone. When I realized I was trapped there, that’s when I stopped believing in God.
hens
star your momster is like mine – she knew what was going on and did nothing to protect us – she would beat and blame my sister for this, when she should of shot him (my dad) between the eyes..that is why I responded to this thread – please protect your children or any child if something seems out of place
hens
Erin xxxoooo 2u2