Recently, a reader posted this in a comment about the father of her children. The comment contains several questions, I’ll address the most concerning first. To read the full comment, see Love Fraud: A spectrum (Part 1).
Another common behavior of my ex that I think affects my children is that he is kind of perverted in what he says and does. When I was married to him, he would continually grab my crotch and butt, and pinch and twist my breasts in a hurtful way, always in front of the children and always against my wishes. He also would say very sexual, inappropriate things. I notice this behavior in my oldest and youngest boys when they come home from his visits. They continually hit and grab the privates of each other in the same way my ex did. I have had to make it very clear that this behavior is not acceptable in my home. My daughter also complains that he says a lot of perverted things to her that make her uncomfortable. She says when she calls him on it, he hangs up and won’t talk to her.
Please be aware that what you describe in terms of the sexual behavior is considered sexual abuse, especially with regard to your daughter. Sandra Brown, MA in her book Counseling Victims of Violence lists as sexual abuse of children:
“-Being made to listen to age- inappropriate dialogue containing sexual jargon or pertaining to sexual acts.
-Being looked or leered at in way that make one feel uncomfortable, or being subjected to inappropriate remarks about one’s developing body.
-Being made to watch or look at age-inappropriate literature, tapes, OR PEOPLE ACTING IN SEXUAL WAYS.” (caps mine)
Sociopaths and narcissists do so many outrageous things that we end up disregarding some of them because to deal with all of their behavior is overwhelming. Since our society is so sexual, there may be a tendency to look the other way regarding violations of sexual boundaries with children. The above behaviors listed by Sandra Brown, MA are clear violations of sexual boundaries that should be in place with children.
Father has also modeled for his sons how to use sex to gain power and abuse women. He models this behavior for his sons when he sexually humiliates their sister in front of them.
I am not suggesting that anyone in this situation, act precipitously to put a stop to it. This poor mother has already been to court once to get visitation restricted and lost. When dealing with sociopaths and narcissists, it is best to get plenty of professionals on your side and to have a well thought out plan.
Stargazer and Henry. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Parental abuse is a completely different kind of hurt. It’s so disorienting.
Yep….same queen of denial mother over here too…
I don’t even think she told my father about the sexual abuse from my brother….even after it took me months to muster up the balls to tell her….that really never occured to me until now….I guess I assumed she did, because I would have….But….hmmm.
Maybe this is why, when the shit hit the fan as a teen and I became very vocal about my brother….my dad seemed shocked? Maybe/maybe not? Hmmmmm.
SO…..that was the beginning of my becoming a hermafrodite (sp?) I grew balls at that point.
I put a stop to it myself….THEN….I met the s!
Can we say….TARGET….Hey I’m over here….Hey, HEY…..I’m a ripe one!
How the hell could I know at 13?
I couldn’t! No way…..
BUT…NOW I DO…..and my balls grew with my adult puberty stage…..then got a big shot of testosterone when I was diagnosed with C…..then realized all the lies…..
and went adolescent apeshit on him in the courts!
I castrated him…..but still retain MY balls!
XXOO Ya’ll
I want to tell you all I had a GREAT day today…..I was very productive on the S information awareness raising venue.
I can’t go into details jsut yet…..but I will share when I know more!
Keep on keepin on….
Erin, Why dont you just call her Cleopatra? {Queen of de Nile, get it? LOL!}GemXX
Gem….are you in a spunky mood this am!
Good one!
🙂
It was xmas Eve in the Harem,
Holly was hung in the halls,
“What do you want for Xmas, boys?
And the Eunuchs answered, “BALLS!”
Gem.XX
Gem that’s naughty!
But I’m gonna remember it and print out Christmas cards and send it to all my P acquaintances.
well, this hit home:(
My father was a man who liked young girls, but as the Family of de-nile often remind me he never touched US so that is ‘okay’. He did however, lend us to friends to take swimming (in lakes, in the country, with ill fitting bathers) and when we were in puberty always comment on our bodies, and wanted to take us out to ‘pretend we were his girlfriends’, had an unhealthy obsession with how beautiful and clever a niece of his was ect, ect …yuk.
The S/P I knew was WAY too sexual in front of his kids, always ‘getting it out’ in front of them, would be sexually suggestive in front of them, in front of my kids, towards my daughter, his porn addiction and online sexual encounters would take place while the kids were ‘locked’ out on the otherside of the door hearing everything… I warned his ex wife about it, she MUST have known about it, she lived with the creep, but she continued to allow him unsupervised access…
He actually told me how he had ‘had a laugh’ with his boss about the way WE had sex, (little bit of extra humilliation for me) the way he said it was soo sleezy and disgusting, graphic and innapropriate, I cant understand why she would, as a well respected Family Practitioner, not hear alarm bells. i.e a man who talks like this about women he is close to, in the work place, should NOT be sent out into poor areas to do paps on vulnerable girls alone ( he wants to work on isolated reservations ..I wonder why, the evil b****d), but that is just me being a hysterical ‘crazy’ prude… more laughs at my expense ect.ect. I guess this is him ‘grooming’ his work collegues too in order to make way for future possibilities to be ‘overlooked’ because its ‘just his quirkyness’ and ‘free’ nature… puke, puke,puke.
My father is dead, and can therefore do no further damage, and the S/P, well I hope he comes unstuck nice and quick.
‘Sociopaths and narcissists do so many outrageous things that we end up disregarding some of them because to deal with all of their behavior is overwhelming.’ It’s true.
Henry said ‘I would say any behavior that one finds uncomfortable ( IS ) and should never be ignored because ones life is at risk – and for some only death can undo the damage done to them at the hands of someone they loved.’ This is RIGHT Henry.( I am so sorry for what you and your family have been through xxxx)
Like I have said before, I have done all I can with these two, I have ‘blown my whistle loud’, it has fallen on deaf ears (or ears with fingers in them) so I now have to ‘let it fly’, and try to undo the damage to ME and mine.
P.S, I am in a kind of ‘quite place’ with all this now, I hope this doesnt sound awful, but even though I am talking about it, it doesnt HURT me as much anymore, I have definitely developed a ‘sort’ of indifference… active indifference(?), in that If I got a sniff of it again I would act…. but these vile behaviours and actions from MY past feel so apart from me and my life now… its NOT my Ch**t its THEIRS sort of thing… what do you guys think about this? Blue xxxx
blueskies,
The “quiet place” that you are with all of this right now is a place of healing. I don’t think it sounds awful at all, if you are hurting less, that means that you are slowly letting go of the pain.
Dealing with the childhood pain is always the hardest of all pain to heal. We have owned it for so long. Or does it “own” us for so long? I’m not sure but either way it has been with us and it is the hardest of all to let go of.
The Ch*** always was theirs and not yours….But it felt like yours because you were GIVEN that burden as a child.
The biggest difference of abuse from childhood and abuse we suffer as adults is that we didn’t play an “active role” in our abuse as a child. We had NO CHOICE whatsoever in the matter. But those feelings attatched to the abuse linger within us, sometimes for a lifetime. Often times it is guilt and shame that do the most damage. Even though the SHAME and GUILT should belong to the abuser and not the abused……It often attaches itself to us because we were so young. (and helpless in the situation)
Letting go of this can enpower us, I think. In a way like we might have never felt enpowered before.