Recently, a reader posted this in a comment about the father of her children. The comment contains several questions, I’ll address the most concerning first. To read the full comment, see Love Fraud: A spectrum (Part 1).
Another common behavior of my ex that I think affects my children is that he is kind of perverted in what he says and does. When I was married to him, he would continually grab my crotch and butt, and pinch and twist my breasts in a hurtful way, always in front of the children and always against my wishes. He also would say very sexual, inappropriate things. I notice this behavior in my oldest and youngest boys when they come home from his visits. They continually hit and grab the privates of each other in the same way my ex did. I have had to make it very clear that this behavior is not acceptable in my home. My daughter also complains that he says a lot of perverted things to her that make her uncomfortable. She says when she calls him on it, he hangs up and won’t talk to her.
Please be aware that what you describe in terms of the sexual behavior is considered sexual abuse, especially with regard to your daughter. Sandra Brown, MA in her book Counseling Victims of Violence lists as sexual abuse of children:
“-Being made to listen to age- inappropriate dialogue containing sexual jargon or pertaining to sexual acts.
-Being looked or leered at in way that make one feel uncomfortable, or being subjected to inappropriate remarks about one’s developing body.
-Being made to watch or look at age-inappropriate literature, tapes, OR PEOPLE ACTING IN SEXUAL WAYS.” (caps mine)
Sociopaths and narcissists do so many outrageous things that we end up disregarding some of them because to deal with all of their behavior is overwhelming. Since our society is so sexual, there may be a tendency to look the other way regarding violations of sexual boundaries with children. The above behaviors listed by Sandra Brown, MA are clear violations of sexual boundaries that should be in place with children.
Father has also modeled for his sons how to use sex to gain power and abuse women. He models this behavior for his sons when he sexually humiliates their sister in front of them.
I am not suggesting that anyone in this situation, act precipitously to put a stop to it. This poor mother has already been to court once to get visitation restricted and lost. When dealing with sociopaths and narcissists, it is best to get plenty of professionals on your side and to have a well thought out plan.
Hecates path
two thoughts… well, ok, three…
1) I came back to this thread to read possible replies of support to Henry, as his pain was on my mind throughout the day today, and was so saddened to “hear” so many more sad stories of abuse… know that tears were shed as a was reading for each of you whose childhood innoncence was taken from you…
2) Amidst those stories I was deeply moved to know in spite of those experiences, those of you who shared such stories are, at the heart of it all, resilient SURVIVORS and that in sharing your experiences you are helping and protecting others from such abuse in ways that you may never know. Each of you may be the angel that saves another child…
3) and finally, on a less serious note… Erin, you crack me up! You have such a way with words and offered me a bit of needed comic relief after reading of such the heartwrenching pain and suffering of my LF friends. Life has made you one tough cookie, my friend!
Ok, there’s a 4th thing – Henry, I caught your other comment and am sorry your grandkids have been sick – not fun! about staying well this season – I am the queen of hand sanitizer at work!! 🙂
Peaceful thoughts to all of you these evening!
HP
ErinBrock
Hecates:
I can be a pussy cat too……WHEN I WANT TO!!!!!
I guess I missed the Emily Post course. 🙂
I am up to ‘no good’ again today! A bit of recon and exposure to the right authorities…..hmmmmmm
I will tell you….the s sure primed me up for life…..it really was all a gift!
You have a wonderful evening as well Hecates…..
Thanks for your post.
XXOO
Mr.Buffalo aka Bison
This is awful.
hens
Hecates – Bluesky and All – My father died of cancer a few months after my sister died. My mother is in a rest home (looking in the mirror applying make-up)..All that is left is my older brother and myself. I guess this saga of insest and dysfunction will end when we all are gone. I have very little to do with my older brother as he was as guilty as my parents in the abuse of my sister and myself. But my only triumph is to live and love and accept what cant be changed or undone. That is my victory with my ex (S) as well – live and love and be present and productive in life – I try my best not to give them one more second of my life – a work in progress – thanks Hecates for your compassion and concern.
ErinBrock
Henry:
We must do what we must do my dear. It’s all part of lifes journey…..
You are rising above, helping others while you help yourself through this lifetime!
Thanks for your heartfelt posts…..we are a work in progress!
XXOO
blueskies
‘A work in progress’ I love that:)x
‘triumph is to live and love and accept what cant be changed or undone.’ I also love that! What beautiful words to come here and read Henry.x
blueskies
Witsend:)x Thank you for your reply:)xx letting go is empowering:) It is also a process, that has to be gone through:)x You cant just SAY it can you?xx Its not like ‘ruby slippers’… home, home, home! You have to walk the whole way!
Much love.x
hens
wow I was gone a month and I stick my head in the door and chit hit’s the fan – anyway this is a good place with lot’s of good people, we all have opinions and sometimes we should keep them too ourselves – any way I was thinking about the name calling last nite – specially calling us victims – This is my take on being a victim – some of us are victims of many things and never know it – victim’s of a car jacking or a bomb or a tornado, yes we get that and deal with it…but many victims of emotional abuse, child abuse, sexual abuse, love abuse dont know they are being abused, for some it takes a very horrible break down or break through to see we are victims and that is when and only when we can choose to remain a victim or not..
ErinBrock
Here’s to survivors!
little tonys mom
i also noticed my pyscho was very inappropiate with his hands in public why is that it was creepy