Recently, a reader posted this in a comment about the father of her children. The comment contains several questions, I’ll address the most concerning first. To read the full comment, see Love Fraud: A spectrum (Part 1).
Another common behavior of my ex that I think affects my children is that he is kind of perverted in what he says and does. When I was married to him, he would continually grab my crotch and butt, and pinch and twist my breasts in a hurtful way, always in front of the children and always against my wishes. He also would say very sexual, inappropriate things. I notice this behavior in my oldest and youngest boys when they come home from his visits. They continually hit and grab the privates of each other in the same way my ex did. I have had to make it very clear that this behavior is not acceptable in my home. My daughter also complains that he says a lot of perverted things to her that make her uncomfortable. She says when she calls him on it, he hangs up and won’t talk to her.
Please be aware that what you describe in terms of the sexual behavior is considered sexual abuse, especially with regard to your daughter. Sandra Brown, MA in her book Counseling Victims of Violence lists as sexual abuse of children:
“-Being made to listen to age- inappropriate dialogue containing sexual jargon or pertaining to sexual acts.
-Being looked or leered at in way that make one feel uncomfortable, or being subjected to inappropriate remarks about one’s developing body.
-Being made to watch or look at age-inappropriate literature, tapes, OR PEOPLE ACTING IN SEXUAL WAYS.” (caps mine)
Sociopaths and narcissists do so many outrageous things that we end up disregarding some of them because to deal with all of their behavior is overwhelming. Since our society is so sexual, there may be a tendency to look the other way regarding violations of sexual boundaries with children. The above behaviors listed by Sandra Brown, MA are clear violations of sexual boundaries that should be in place with children.
Father has also modeled for his sons how to use sex to gain power and abuse women. He models this behavior for his sons when he sexually humiliates their sister in front of them.
I am not suggesting that anyone in this situation, act precipitously to put a stop to it. This poor mother has already been to court once to get visitation restricted and lost. When dealing with sociopaths and narcissists, it is best to get plenty of professionals on your side and to have a well thought out plan.
Ox Drover
DEar Tony’s mom,
There’s a lot of things that are creepy about them, sometimes just the way they look at someone.
sotired
I heal and then something else happens. Always seems like two steps forward and one back.
I confided recently in a close friends stepfather.
He is the monster behind many of my friends issues I’m sure of it now. I called him a Psychopath to his face and was frozen in fear of what I had just opened up.
I’m not in a situation with my friend to speak to them about the stepfather. I have let the stepfather email me so I would have proof that he is the pervert I know him to be now.
This has made be feel so victimized again.
There are so many sick sick people.
jazzy129
Sotired, good for you for sticking up for your friend! What do you mean by having him email you? If you have proof, you can call your local police….please do, even rural police departments now have training and can at the very least document issues and keep you safe. You do what you can, but please protect yourself.
I may log out soon tonight, but others are here on LF.
Ox Drover
Dear Sotired,
I’m not sure what you meant about the “e mail” either, was he hitting on you? What’s the age difference, is he married etc? In any case if you are not interested it is inappropriate.
I’m glad you stuck up for yourself though, that is GOOD PROGRESS so give yourself a TOWANDA and an ATTA GIRL!!!
The 2 forward 1 back is normal in the healing process sweetie, so don’t let it bother you at all, that’s the way it goes! sometimes it is 2 forward and THREE backwards, but as long as we keep pointing in the right direction and taking a step we will GET THERE.
Yes, it does make you feel victimized again, but that’s a GOOD SIGN that you are RECOGNIZING when you are victimized. Before when we were victimized we didn’t recognize that we were being abused and we thought we could fix’em, now you KNOW YOU CAN’T, and NOW you won’t STAND FOR IT! GREAT JOB!!!!!
sotired
My friend (exbfspath) that I had a long term friendship/relationship, whatever you can all these encounters is hitting rock bottom at some level.
I pulled away, hostilely one year ago because I was tired of his drinking and gambling. I was being used at this point and angry. I didn’t know his family well, and have been prayerfully praying for guidance. One day a month ago I felt I was to speak to the stepfather, to leave him my contacts so if the ex did get intervention I wanted to be notified. I still wanted to see my ex saved.
I offered my phone number and email to the stepfather because I told him I wanted to be contacted if there was an intervention. I know all of this is crazy stupid still on my part.
I had reason to believe there had been some type of intervention the weekend before, but I was wrong.
After giving the stepfather my information, he started telling me and talking to me inappropriately. It was so disgusting I was temporarily frozen but I knew what he was.
He said he could get me into the adult business, had friends etc he could help me get started, etc etc.
He’s married to my ex’s mother and now I see two victims of this man.
I asked if son and wife knew what he was doing. He said no. Stepfather said in the third person, “I take care of Xname first and then I take care of my family.”
It was chilling, and I said you are a psychopath. He laughed and said yeah, I do take care of myself.
So, after I had told him initially of my concerns for my ex (who has had to move back into the stepfather/mothers house because he is broke from gambling and makes close to $100,000.00 a year) i see him and his mother as victims now.
My ex changed so much from when I met him. I was tired of babysitting, and had given him money to pay off a gambling debt. Stupid me and I kept learning until I said no more a year ago.
We stayed in contact a few times. He is commitment phobic, was with me but now has a (GF??) hanging out at the parents house. This I am jealous of but of course he must be using her for something.
Yes i’m healing but I can’t get him to completely leave space in my head. I remember the good times, I remember someone that never existed.
The emails I want to have for proof that the stepfather crossed the line with me.
He hasn’t done anything illegal to me technically but I am afraid he will turn a story on me. I still care about the stepson, but in the end I know it’s just better to run like hell right now.
It’s scary, stepfather sent me links to sites to look at. Now I have an email asking me to get him Viagra. When I scrolled down I saw something else. I’ll post it here with some name changes but the end of the post is terrifying. Not sure it went with this email but got copied to it.
Here it is:
—–Original Message—–
From: xl.com
To: xl.com
Sent: 2010 1:50 pm
Subject: stimulation
“”Here is one of the links I saved, just in case I got a chance to order from them. You could order with no questions asked for me couldn’t you?”””
Xname
<<<>>>>
THEN I SCROLLED DOWN AND FOUND THESE WORDS>
But they
did not find it.
Put out your little tongue that I may cut it off as my
payment. His speech faltered again and again.
Buttons
{{{{{{Henry}}}}}} I’m so sorry for your loss, and you’re in my positive thoughts and prayers.
Thank you, Liane, for this IMPERATIVE article. The majority of the spaths that I’ve known display inappropriate sexual behavior and innuendo. At first, “normal” people write it off as someone just being funny, but as OxD pointed out, the likelihood that these people are acting out their perversions is pretty good.
The ex spath brought our firstborn son to me for a feeding when he was a week old. His shirt was off and he was nursing our son at his own breast. He told me, “It just happened, and if you tell anyone about it, I’ll flatly deny it!”
My state of mind, at that time, was pretty grim and I passed it off as the ex spath somehow “needing” to experience his feminine side – DENIAL. What I failed to respond to was my personal outrage and shock in lieu of “security.” I had no friends, no job, and a brand new baby, and I still believed that I loved this Thing.
Even prior to this episode, there were plenty of red flags that I ignored. The ex spath was constantly making remarks about sex and begging for details of my past sexual experiences. He would describe, in detail, his previous sexual activities and compare my performance to encounters that he’d had before me. This evolved slowly – not an instant light-switch event, but very slowly. At one point, he began insisting that we bring in a third party (another man) to participate in sex, and I always managed to decline. He also began to demand that I strike him during sex. He also wanted to strike me, which I also denied – then, he started doing it, anyway.
When a potential partner opens the door to the “dark side” of sex – perversions, pornography, and activities that make us feel uncomfortable and/or humiliated, it’s a SCREAMING, FLAPPING, WAVING RED FLAG. They’re not interested in anyone else’s enjoyment – they are only interested in satisfying more, and more perverse needs. When that creepy feeling commences, it’s time to assess everything, as a whole.
I wish that I had known then what I do now, but if wishes were fishes, world hunger wouldn’t be an issue.
😉
Buttons
Sotired!!! OMIGOD!!!!!!!!!!!! NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!! ew
Ox Drover
Dear Sotired,
Sweetie, I know there are tendencies to look back at the good and the WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN but you need I think to disengage completely from these people.l Sure the X may be a “victim” of his step father, but he is also an abuser/user and hhis mother is a victim of her husband but that is NOT YOURS TO FIX, it is theirs to fix, you need to get out of this whole thing, block the jerk’s e mail, block his calls, or do not answer them.
Don’t get involved in this drama it can ONLY backfire on you like playing with a poison snake! You can’t win, only lose. Even if you cut the snake’s head off, you are still gonna die from the bite! ((((Hugs)))))
Buttons
OxD, spot-on. We cannot be responsible for someone else’s status, as much as we wish we could make things right.
sotired
OxDrover and Buttons:
Thank you for your comments. I am so sad about this. I know in my head I can’t fix this, my heart just aches so much from this I can’t begin to tell you.
I have no more email in my box from the stepfather today. He really scared me with the last.
I know I can’t win, I really do know this but heart aches and aches.
I hope I have not put myself to far into this trying to have proof that it will backfire on me. I have proof, he really has nothing on me other than I asked questions about my exbf and told him some things that he could use against me but I have so much more anyway that is ugly.
One of his emails he forwarded with his “Real” email address, and not the fake one, where he changes his name with a name that rhymes with his.
There are so many more important things in my life and I can’t focus too much on this but I get caught up in it sometimes. I have prayerfully been faithful to try and have discernment and ended up here again when I thought it was God leading me to speak to the stepfather.
Hopefully the stepfather will keep his mouth shut to my exbf about me as I have enough to prove he is a monster.
Exbf is living in their house right now because he has lost everything to gambling. I just never imagined exbf could be in so much danger there, and his mother but they are, apparently they are just existing and my exbf has learned to use people and to be cold to survive. I don’t know. Just so very sad.
I don’t have a chance to follow my posts so I appreciate when I come back and have found support. Thank you all for your stories that help me to go on too.
Thanks OXY for all of your (((((HUGS)))).