Recently, a reader posted this in a comment about the father of her children. The comment contains several questions, I’ll address the most concerning first. To read the full comment, see Love Fraud: A spectrum (Part 1).
Another common behavior of my ex that I think affects my children is that he is kind of perverted in what he says and does. When I was married to him, he would continually grab my crotch and butt, and pinch and twist my breasts in a hurtful way, always in front of the children and always against my wishes. He also would say very sexual, inappropriate things. I notice this behavior in my oldest and youngest boys when they come home from his visits. They continually hit and grab the privates of each other in the same way my ex did. I have had to make it very clear that this behavior is not acceptable in my home. My daughter also complains that he says a lot of perverted things to her that make her uncomfortable. She says when she calls him on it, he hangs up and won’t talk to her.
Please be aware that what you describe in terms of the sexual behavior is considered sexual abuse, especially with regard to your daughter. Sandra Brown, MA in her book Counseling Victims of Violence lists as sexual abuse of children:
“-Being made to listen to age- inappropriate dialogue containing sexual jargon or pertaining to sexual acts.
-Being looked or leered at in way that make one feel uncomfortable, or being subjected to inappropriate remarks about one’s developing body.
-Being made to watch or look at age-inappropriate literature, tapes, OR PEOPLE ACTING IN SEXUAL WAYS.” (caps mine)
Sociopaths and narcissists do so many outrageous things that we end up disregarding some of them because to deal with all of their behavior is overwhelming. Since our society is so sexual, there may be a tendency to look the other way regarding violations of sexual boundaries with children. The above behaviors listed by Sandra Brown, MA are clear violations of sexual boundaries that should be in place with children.
Father has also modeled for his sons how to use sex to gain power and abuse women. He models this behavior for his sons when he sexually humiliates their sister in front of them.
I am not suggesting that anyone in this situation, act precipitously to put a stop to it. This poor mother has already been to court once to get visitation restricted and lost. When dealing with sociopaths and narcissists, it is best to get plenty of professionals on your side and to have a well thought out plan.
One step, Why do they call them Hemmoroids? Why dont they call them ASStroids?
One of my GK’s play mates (neighbor) was out in the yard one day, playing alone, and my SIL asked, “what are ya doin?” and she, in all her 4 yr old wisdom explained, “well, Mama’s butt hurts.” HAHAHAHAAAAAAAA.
What do the star-ship, Enterprise, and a hand full of toilet paper have in common?
(vulgarity alert)
They both roam around uranus looking for cling-ons.
I really hate a cling on, but I think that’s what we have here.
Dear Kim,.
One of my favorite “scat” jokes–fits the place and company too! LOL
Can’t you see the mom telling the kid “You’re a pain in the butt, you make my butt hurt, go outside and play” Not really a nice thing to tell the kid, but I think all moms can relate to the feeling of the kids being a pain in the butt sometimes! At that age, though, they aren’t a pain in your SOUL, and that is a much bigger pain!
I wish they could stay little forever!
Any sexual innuendo is inappropriate and should be seen as a huge red flag. When I was a child, an uncle often made sexual comments that made me uncomfortable. Nothing patently overt, but even as an early teenager, I thought his comments inappropriate.
Often his joking would involve “hookers,” as he owned his own business, located on Manhattan’s West Side, then a rougher neighborhood. He was also quite homophobic. After his death, his twin daughters (girls) revealed they were molested by him.
Dear BBE,
Yea, he was “ALL MAN” wasn’t he? Molesting little girls. He would probably have molested you as well if he had thought he could have gotten away with it. Many psychopaths are neither gay nor straight, they are just MOLESTERS, period. “Equal opportunity” rapists!
OxDrover;
In retrospect, I have always thought his joking about prostitutes was a subtle admission. He was also very inappropriately close to his grandson. While watching TV, he would cuddle the kid until his early teens. His grandson, though now in recovery, has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. I gotta wonder there. I believe too that my uncle’s brother may have molested his nephew, who is very, very homophobic and while in recovery too, has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse.
BBE, unfortunately substance abuse and pedophilia go I think hand in hand, for both victims and perps. It sure doesn’t do a kid any good to be abused sexually and many times that pain will tend them toward “self medication” —-plus, in this situation where you had probably genetic tendencies toward psychopathy AND substance abuse, the poor kid who gets abused has the TRIPLE whammy, bad genes, bad parents, and sexual abuse—what could set a kid up to “fail” any worse than that?
NOT EVERY kid, and I don’t even think most kids who are abused and from alcoholic/addictive psychopathic families become abusers themselves—we have some folks on this blog who fit that catagory of triple abuse and bad genes, but they didn’t become abusers themselves. It is a CHOICE no matter what your genes are or your environment….unfortunately, too many times, “we” choose to be victims as adults instead of abusers. NEITHER choice is a good one, but personally I would if I ONLY had two choices, rather be the victim than the abuser.
BUT–THANK YOU JESUS! We have other choices! We do not have to be EITHER VICTIM OR ABUSER. We can Choose to be HEALTHY! I wish I had known about that option sooner, LOL but now that I DO know about it, I’m gonna go for the gold on that one!
How are you doing BTW BBE? Health still within acceptable or getting better!? I hope so. I’m on the “wagon” now about my nutritional intake (Don’t say the word DIET!) and getting exercise more. Went outside this morning and worked at cleaning up around the place, weed eating etc. Felt good to be outside in the wonderful fall weather! Take care of yourself!
OxDrover;
I completely agree with you regarding choice. I too, wish I knew I had choices sooner, but better late than never.
I am glad to see you are taking care of yourself. It is never too late to be healthy!
For me, I am one month shy of a year without a drop of alcohol. I still go to AA meetings, but, and I mean this honestly and not as somebody in denial, I take what I can from AA but I am not like most there. I admit at times in my life I had a drinking problem, especially 2006-2009, but even then it was not a quart a day and blackouts. I also heed your warning about many in such programs.
My spath was into S&M. We used to go to clubs & private parties. I felt a bit uncomfortable at first but then did start to enjoy it in a way. We also played at home. I remember he also told me some thing about what he and a group of his friends did and it was really quite horrific. I don’t know if it was true or not, or whether it was just for effect, but he seemed to get some pleasure from the nastiness of it, while I felt sick to the stomach and felt awful for the girl he said was involved & whom they had inflicted the attrocity on.
He also used to dress in women’s clothing. Sometimes he would dress in basque & suspenders. He actually looked quite good & he would wear it to fancy dress parties. Then he started to wear one of my loose skirts around the house. I think he wanted to see what my reaction would be. I had obviously heard of transvestites so decided that although I didn’t like it too much I would support it, if that’s what made him feel ok.
Then he started to wear a sarong out in public, which was odder. People, particularly men from the Irish community that he was involved with used to comment about him wearing a ‘skirt’. I think he did it just for effect and to see what peoples’ reactions were.
Then of course supposedly being Irish, he decided he needed to get an Irish kilt, made up with his clan tartan. It wasn’t an ordinary kilt with a waist band, but the full ‘plaid’ (as he described it) ie a huge piece of tartan material which needed to be pleated each time it was worn – guess who ended up pleating it!! – until i got so bored doing it I told him I wouldn’t do it again and he would have to do it.
He then wore this to a family event one day, just for effect. And the effect was, that as with most Scottish wearers of the kilt, he wasn’t wearing anything underneath, sat with his legs apart so that my family could see all his ‘bits’!! I still get comments about that even now, 8 years on!!
When I finally packed his stuff up at 3am on the day I threw him out, there was a skirt that I had borrowed from my mum, that he had taken to wearing round the house. I thought there is no way I can give that back to mum, so I packed it in the suitcase as well.
It was all just so weird. He did it all to shock & see peoples’ reactions. I think he got some sort of sexual kick from it.
Then what was worse, after I threw him out, I found the most awful S&M imagery on my computer. There was an awful image he had somehow put into the start up sequence so it was there every time I booted up the computer. We had to really search to get rid of that one. Then there were all the images that had been downloaded when he had visited lots of really nasty S&M sites. It took months to clear all the stuff out. It seemed like each day there was something else to find. It was like he had kept himself in check while he was with me, but now I was The Bitch From hell for throwing him out, he was getting his own back by showing me the most horrific imagery he could!!
oooh my
BBE – I’m the other way. My spath was an alcoholic, but I didn’t really realise at first, although people did tell me. In my family we’re social drinkers ie the odd glass at mealtimes, one in the pub if we go etc etc. The spath was different. When we were in a restaurant he would order a new bottle of wine before we had even got half way through the first one. Whenever we had people over to dinner, we had to buy loads of alcohol, wine and beer. When we were in a pub I learnt that if I couldn’t get him out after 2 pints, that was it, he would get totally drunk and either become very maudlin or very aggressive and I never knew which in advance.
It was like he had to drink the pub, the restaurant, the bottle dry. He would even drink and drive. One time we got chased across London by various police forces. We were on his bike and some cops in a police car in front happened to notice him swaying slightly so started following us. As went went through each district a diferent police force would take over. When we got nearer home, the cops turned on their lights, he jumped a red light & that was it – 60-80mph chase down the main road near where I live! Me sitting on the back trying to go with the flow as I know if you’re a pillion on a bike if you sway the wrong way it can throw the bike all over the place. Where I live there is a network of small roads where you can get lots, so when there he did a hand brake turn, flung the bike down one of these roads & we were able to get home & off the bike before the cops came by. We sat in the front room watching them quarter the area!
One night he had been drinking and I refused to get on the bike to drink home. I just wasn’t prepared to take the risk any more. He went berserk as he used the bike for his living as well and needed it the next day. What was he going to do now, all my fault etc etc. A friend whose pub we were in came to my rescue by offering to bring the bike inside the pub over night so he could sober up.
He had no morals normally, but when he drank it was even worse. Another time we had gone to see the same friends but they lived elsewhere at the time. We had also invited another set of friends for dinner at home. It was at least a 1 hour drive (at normal speed) between the 2 places. At the first place he drank and drank. I kept reminding him we had to get home as our friends were coming, but he just kept on drinking etc. Finally with half an hour to spare we drove back, at god knows what speed, using all lanes of the motorway including the hard shoulder!! We made it jus in time.
Another time we were in the pub & again we had friends coming over for dinner. Again I kept saying our friends were coming but still he kept drinking. In the end our friends came to the pub to find us. Very embarrassing!
Just remembered another time as well. I had gone to another town nearby and he had said he would collect me so I hadn’t bother to buy a train ticket. I was with friends for a social event, but the event ended and everyone else went home. My hostess was very kind & looked after me but it got to the stage when my being there was interfering with the rest of her day. I rang another friend & asked if he knew where the ex was. He had to go and drag him out of the pub. I then had to wait until he had driven all the way to the next town to collect me. Then he started to drive back, by which time the drink had really started to hit him & it was raining. I told him to stop the car immediately, to get out & that I was going to drive. I was really, really scared this time as he was so dangerously drunk.
During the last couple of years with him I stopped drinking. I think I did it so I stayed in control, but also if I had to take over driving at any point I could. I could barely face drink. I only drank occasionally in the company of trusted friends. It has taken years before I’ve felt comfortable drinking in the presence of people I don’t know. even now unless I know them well if I’m asked for a drink I will have non alcoholic. My hackles go up when i see someone in the street with can’s of beer or anything like that.