Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
What a timely post Dona- thak you-
I am still feeling lonely and afraid myself. And I think your advice is exactly right. So I am now going to reapply myself ever more diligently to the healing process.
Not because I want a man so much as i want to be free of the internal yuck that has been rotting in there for years and years.
Hmmmm- that makes me think of a great analogy – the stench of our internal rot based on previous abuse, self doubt, lack of strong boundaries and neediness sends out an unconcious scent to them like carrion to hyenas and they come and feed on us.
I want to scrape myself clean – pull out the rot and grow a healthy garden inside.
Arrrgh typos again! LOL
This is really a great article. I had to cry a lot to get the sociopath out of my system. I turned to a spiritual source for help, and slowly over time felt the negativity draining from my system. I cried more tears than I could ever imagine. It has been over a year and I can honestly say I have purged the sociopath out of my system. The one part of it that has remained is that I feel some responsibility to warn people about sociopaths and to help others who have gotten played by them. I would be lying, though, if I said that I feel wonderful now that the sociopath is out of my life. I am now dealing with the underlying depression that brought him into my life in the first place. It’s not easy, and I am not in a place of being totally happy yet. I recently had my first real romantic date since the sociopath. Though it was really wonderful, it also made me realize the areas in my life where I’m not yet happy and complete. I am doing my best to work on these areas so I can attract a good man who can give me what I need. This latest date was just a little appetizer.
Good for you Stargazer!
Dear Donna,
Thank you for this post, great article!
While we are WOUNDED and in pain (for whatever reason) or LONELY and/or desperate for a relationship to “save” us from our lonliness, we are VULNERABLE to the predators in our midst. they home in on us with their “radar” that tells them we are “easy prey” where a healthier individual would not put up with their tactics for one second, we in our pain, see them as a “salvation”—-bingo! We are HOOKED.
Becoming emotionally healthy is the way to have a healthy relationship and attract a healthy partner. Healthy partners are not going to be attracted to people who are unhealthy.
That was sure the case with my situation after my husband’s death and I attracted a psychopath looking for prey! No MORE!!!!
I’m glad you found your “prince” and that your relationship is stable and good and loving! I wish the same for all of us, but we must “get healthy” to attract that and to hang on to it!
I agree with the post in part, in that I think psychopaths tend to hit on people when they are vulnerable. And maybe this post is most true for romantic relationships.
Part of me still rebels. Maybe it was because I raised in a church that states emphatically that like attracts. Maybe so, but that is an awful burden to put on someone who has just been diagnosed with a terrible disease. I remember when one person asked me what kind of thoughts I had been thinking to cause my disease! Another said to embrace what my disease had to teach me. I about told her to embrace my knuckle and see what THAT had to teach HER! LOL! Sometimes *hit happens! Maybe I was thinking WONDERFUL thoughts that turned a killer disease into one that just disabled. GRRR!!!
Also, I’ve seen P’s do amazing damage in the workplace, affecting hundreds of people’s lives, and surely all of them did not attract that to themselves. Some were very happy, positive people! Sometimes you are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And sometimes it takes awhile to realize that and move out!
Well, random thoughts. I just think there are MANY ways that P’s work into our lives and MANY ways to recover and rebound with joy.
Donna, it seems a bit confusing because there are so many ways to look at it. None of them completely cover every scenario.
For instance, what about people who are born to P parents?
I was. As a newborn, I do not think I did anything to attract them.
Also, there is the instance of good people attracting evil P’s simply BECAUSE they are good. They are attracted to good people because good people have what they don’t. They are always looking to fill a vaccuum created by pathological envy.
Lastly, there is a theory that good attracts a small amount of evil in order to protect itself from greater evil. Like a vaccine, this small amount opens up the awareness of evil and allows the good person to protect themselves from a greater evil. We have all experienced that here at LF, our innocence was ripped from us like in a psychological rape but we are now less vulnerable to it because we are vigilent. Since we all survived the rape we are less likely to become murder victims.
Maybe it seems like we attract better things by being less desperate and more joyful, but maybe it is not a matter of attraction, maybe it is just that we notice the good things and don’t get drawn to the drama of the bad things anymore. So it seems like we are attracting different things, when in fact we are just being attracted to different things. All the same objects, events and people are still swirling around us, just like before, but now our attention is focused differently. Now we are seeing everything more clearly and we are making better, wiser choices.
Illness, seems to be my body’s attempt to wake me up and broaden my focus.
I posted an interesting video about focus a while back, but can’t find the link now. Does anyone remember the link to the basketball players in white teeshirts?
these thoughts are just random, idle musings on a very interesting topic. Obviously if I really knew what I was talking about I would have a life.
Dear Skylar et al,
Many times I’ve wondered if the wisdom learned from the agony is worth having gone through it over and over and finally I feel innoculated. Even though it seems I’ve earned a phd in sociaothpaths/psycopaths through experience and reading everything I can find; I know even still I could be fooled again. My prayer is daily and fervrent to recognize even the most sublte predator, manipulator who might be deceiving my loved ones or me. It is amazing now how I’m, quickly spotting major red flags that in the past would have excused and given the benefit of the doubt ad nauseum. Restoring our boundaries is at the core of all this heartache, and it is possible and prayer really strengthens our boundaries and enlightens our wisdom.
God Bless and Protect You All,
Carmendahling
Skylar,
I readily admit that this theory does not seem to apply in many situations, such as in your example of the child born to psychopathic parents. But I believe it does, although the explanation is complicated.
My upcoming book, “Cracked Open – How My Marriage to a Sociopath Led to Spiritual Healing,” explains how it works. I’m polishing the book up now and hope to have it published by the spring.
Here is my non-metaphysical advice to the person who wrote the question posed at the start of this blog:
1) get very clear about what you will and won’t accept in a relationship. Write it down. Share it with girlfriends you trust, or a therapist. Resolve to stick to it. Have a PLAN of how to exit relationships that aren’t working.
2) get very clear about the “must have’s” in a man. For me it includes emotionally stable, not moody. Honesty. Strong ethics. Strong respect for women. Intelligent. Make your list. No one is perfect, don’t get too detailed. Focus on the “MUST HAVES’ that deal with the character of him. Again, have an exit plan for men that don’t rise to your standards.
3) Get insight into your own vulnerabilities so you can watch out for them. For me, I’m too easily swayed by romantic words. A good book for getting insights into yourself is The New Personality Self-Portrait: Why You Think, Work, Love and Act the Way You Do. http://astore.amazon.com/darwinanddarwini/detail/0553373935 Think ahead of time how you will control your urges that lead you in the wrong direction!
4) It is best to avoid meeting online. You are missing the clues that we pick up in the first 30 seconds when we meet someone . And you get involved, a bit, before you have that vital non-verbal information about the person. Your gut doesn’t have much of a chance to give you feedback.
Instead, try to think if you have any interests that would allow you to meet men, in a natural, non-predatory setting. And if you don’t meet a promising man, at least you will have had a good time pursuing your interest, or new interest. Volunteer for a search and rescue team, go to a bird watching festival (more men than women, suprisingly), a home depot store and take your time picking out stuff :-), join a gym, take up canoeing, go walk your dog around starbucks, in parks, etc. and make eye contact. Take up photography and join a club. Stamp collecting…whatever truly speaks to you. And you might just find you have a wonderful time even if no men show up!
4) Projecting confidence and enthusiasm (as Donna alludes to) is very important. If you have never done so before, try a mixed martial arts class. Or even a class for volunteers to help direct traffic (offered by some sheriffs depts)…..or even a first aid class. In all those situations, you practice being assertive. “YOU….call 911, I’ll start CPR”. Or volunteer to become a docent for some museum or outdoor spot…speaking to groups authoritatively will boost your confidence too. And introduce you to a lot of people! Taking an acting class, singing class, improv class….all can boost your confidence too.
Mainly, find out what you are passionate about in life and go for it. I know women who haven’t had a date in a decade, but have full joyous lives, because they are engaged in passionate nonprofit work. There are some things only a man can give you, but not much that can’t be replaced with a sweet pet to greet you, a girlfriend to call, a sexual toy (to be blunt) and a good book or movie. LOL! REALLY!