Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
What a fascinating dream. And the last part sounds very Freudian. I have found a very powerful way to interpret your own dreams is to tell the dream from the point of view of one of the characters or objects in the dream. For instance, you can be the man with the bandages. Tell the dream as though you were him. Talk about why you have the bandages, and what they are hiding. You can also tell the dream from the point of view of the bandages. If you try this, let me know!
shabbychic,
Having boundaries in part has to do with feeling grounded in your body. It’s easier to set boundaries when you are more grounded. Acupuncture certainly helps with that. So does massage (have to plug my profession, you know).
Yes, thanks for the link, I’ve always wanted to try acupuncture, maybe that would be an inexpensive way to go, and thank you Stargazer for bring the subject up and recommending it! I looked up the esoteric guy in LA, it’s probably too expensive, maybe just for fun I’ll call and ask.
I’m not good at interpreting dreams, sorry 🙁 but I like the part about you stomping all over him until he is completely flat! Maybe the tunnel is… you see no end to his lies and crap and you don’t want to fall into it. Maybe re-arranging the furniture is about re-arranging your life, or maybe you wish he could re-arrange his brain so you could be with him.
The dream about the teacher is a doozie, I’ll be interested to see if someone comes up with something on that!
I think there was an old movie called “the invisible man. he was covered from head to foot with bandages, like an Egyptian Mummy. When he was captured, and they unwound all the bandages, there was no one in there,nothing but empty space, or an “empty suit.”All narcopaths a re “empty suits or “empty dresses”. They only mirror emotions, they have no real emotions of their own, except perhaps anger and envy.So, Skylar, maybe this one interpretation. Gem. XX
I’m pretty sure there was more to the dream but that is all I could remember.
my interpretation is that I have much to learn so I’m in school, but the man taking me out on a field trip to learn about evolution is my XP. He wears bandages on part of his face because he is masking part of his true identity with the bandages (the pity ploy). The reference to evolution is because I believe that narcissism is a survival mechanism that has evolved in humanity, unfortunately it is the root of evil too. He buys me a burger but keeps taking bites for himself because that is what he always did, pretend to give me something but it was usually with ulterior motives where HE was going to benefit. The abrupt kiss is just him not wanting me to experience any joy and going back to school is telling me that I have much more to learn.
The 2nd part of the dream is telling me that I want to go back to the xP and live together but first I want him to pay consequences for the past. The long hall with locked doors represents the future and all the mysteries and lies that still exist, needing to be unlocked.
Maybe better to keep them locked! Gem.XX
Skylar, In the first partof your dream you’re in school.(learning life lessons) You are then taken on a feild trip, (you are out of the classroom taking a more”hands on approach” learning these lessons. Your teacher is wearing bandages. I liked Gem’s interpretation, of the mummy. You must remember Mummys are ancient relics, from the past. Also his bandages could be the sociopathic mask. He buys you a burger, but then takes a bite out of it. Nothing he givesyou is really yours. Also you are studying Evolution. You are studying yourself evolving.
Houses ussually represent the self. But this is his house. (trailor) It could mean that you are dragging him along behind you like a trailor. The locked doors reminded me of Bluebeard. As Gem said Better to keep them locked. Oh and you rearranging the furniture…trying to rearrange his psychological furniture so you can move in. NO NO NO.
This part scares me. ((((HUGS)))
Stargazer, I don’t know your particulars, so I may be off the mark here, but co-dependants anonomous may help you. It is not alanon which is specifically related to alcohol co-dependance, but is more generic. If you are one who makes excuses for your PSN or enables, or care-takes, or people-pleases, if you are frustrated, angry and hurt…If you want to fix him/her, if you prefer denial to the truth, because,of course the truth hurts…You might findit very helpful. However you don’t need to go to meetings to work the program. If you still have a “Big Book” the twelve steps are out-lined in it. I might be able to help, if you have questions.
Also, I’m very glad you’ve met someone nice, and happy for him that He’s doing well. But pleasedon’t make the mistake of letting him be the 5th steps’ “other human being!” You need a dear and trusted person,friend, priest for this. He hasn’t earned that trust. I know it’s tempting, because he is in the program, and working it, but he’snot the one to help with this step. Also, I think there may be twelve step programs for partners of personality disordered people. You might go on line to check that out. I think the twelve steps are helpful in any situation, and I try to live by them daily. Good luck.
Hi Skylar, me again. Do you remember the old black and white horror flick, “The Invisable Man”? He used to put bandages on in order to become visible. Just thought of that. Your “teachers’ influence in your life may no longer be visible or obvious to you, consciously, but your unconscious sees it clearly. Also, bandages signify damages or wounds being covered. This could mean that you recognize that this person is not emotionally healthy. Just my 2 cents.
good one Kim,
the bandages were to hide the wounds or damage, so I will never completely know what he looks like. Interesting that he is my teacher. Knowing him has taught me stuff I would never have uncovered in any other way.
Gem,
yeah, those locked doors seem to hold more narcissists. I got the feeling the whole trailer was filled with narcissists.