Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
According to this blog, my insides were so negative i attracted this experience. HUH! Just to add to all the other crap I’ve been blamed for i now have negative insides! lol!
Tilly, You don’t have negative insides.
I think that this blog is just trying to explain, that shit happens and we have to find a way to benefit from each and every horrible encounter somewhere down the line.
I still don’t get how a baby born to P-parents can do that. But maybe with God’s help…
I saw a guy on tv with one leg, dancing. He was good.
A girl with no arms and no legs was dancing her own choreographed dance as a special exhibit for a ballet company. My P-mother is always pointing out these people to me. It’s her way of making me feel bad because I’m not crippled physically but yet have not managed to get on tv with my own accomplishments.
Next time she does that, I will say, “yes, that cripple must have had parents who loved and encouraged him/her every day.
(when are we going to get an emoicon for dry wit or sarcasm? – I’m feeling like no one cares about my inability to emoticate) 😛
Tilly you dont have intrinsically ‘negative insides’, why would any of our LF authors want to blame us for what happened 🙂 I think if we are all honest though, unless we deal and heal from our experiences we are affected by them.
As a child you are not able to do that so often your pain is carried into adulthood and affects you negatively. It is not you fault for goodness sakes! Its human naturexxx
The point in my opionon is that we as survivours NEED to look at what it is that makes US vulnerable, hell what it is that prevents us from feeling happy and content, and HEAL before tying to embark on another relationship.
For instance: I believe the perpetual pain and hurt I felt through years of nacissistic injury and neglect by my parents, left me wandering around this planet looking for ‘someone to love me'(one amongst lots of other little negative things I’ve developed, low self esteem, negative self talk, feelings of hopelessness, need for validation from others), someone to think I WAS okay, someone to fill the emptiness of my un-loved child self. I was so desperate to be loved, I was as pliable as putty. the s/p could take as much as he liked and I’d still cling on because ‘FINALLY I found SOMEONE!’
Being that vulnerable attracts the sharks, there is no doubt about it…
IT IS NOT MY FAULT that me in my ‘negative state’ (because that’s what it IS) attracts sharks, but I need to recognise what I am doing, work through it and HEAL.
No way am I heading into a relationship in that state again, in that fog of pain and need, no wonder I got ‘blindsided’, I couldnt see the wood for the trees. (that is not a self blame statement btw, I may have been blind but I didnt ask to be torn to peices by an evil thing!;)xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Tilly you dont have intrinsically ‘negative insides’, why would any of our LF authors want to blame us for what happened 🙂 I think if we are all honest though, unless we deal and heal from our experiences we are affected by them.
As a child you are not able to do that so often your pain is carried into adulthood and affects you negatively. It is not you fault for goodness sakes! Its human naturexxx
The point in my opionon is that we as survivours NEED to look at what it is that makes US vulnerable, hell what it is that prevents us from feeling happy and content, and HEAL before tying to embark on another relationship.
For instance: I believe the perpetual pain and hurt I felt through years of nacissistic injury and neglect by my parents, left me wandering around this planet looking for ‘someone to love me'(one amongst lots of other little negative things I’ve developed, low self esteem, negative self talk, feelings of hopelessness, need for validation from others), someone to think I WAS okay, someone to fill the emptiness of my un-loved child self. I was so desperate to be loved, I was as pliable as putty. the s/p could take as much as he liked and I’d still cling on because ‘FINALLY I found SOMEONE!’
Being that vulnerable attracts the sharks, there is no doubt about it…
IT IS NOT MY FAULT that me in my ‘negative state’ (because that’s what it IS) attracts sharks, but I need to recognise what I am doing, work through it and HEAL.
No way am I heading into a relationship in that state again, in that fog of pain and need, no wonder I got ‘blindsided’, I couldnt see the wood for the trees. (that is not a self blame statement btw, I may have been blind but I didnt ask to be torn to peices by an evil thing!;)xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Skylar – lol!
I CARE about your inability to emoticate sister!
Donna we need to set up a separate inability to properly emoticate anonymous (IPEA) support group.;)
(oh poo – I just saw that I posted twice above, apologies everyone.x)
Am I to assume that an emoticon is that funny little yellow face that pops up every now and again? How do you type it? See, Skylar, at least you know about emoticating. I’m just learning these things.LOL.
Kim,
when you type a “:” and a “)” together, that indicates a smiley face,”:)” but if I type it without the quotes 🙂 it turns into a little yellow face. same goes with “:P”, “:(”
and maybe others. Try it, and see.
Also to link to a page, I just copy the url at the top of the page then paste it here. This box turns it into a link.
This was evidence to me that the box I’m typing in, is turning the text into HTML code when necessary.
Ah I keep messing up on the not confronting my ex P!!! I succumbed to sending him an e-mail with all his lies listed, his crimes committed etc. I call him everything under the sun. Tell him I am taking him to court etc…..I regret it now as I handed him all my pain and anxiety on a plate and I he just ignored it all anyway….I have actually decided the pain ends here. No more court, no more contact AT ALL…I am desperately lonely..too distressed to date anyone….chasing after a moron psychopath who wouldn’t even register being caught as even remotely shaming or embarrassing…I have to let go of getting justice…he will be happy about that, it means one more obstacle obliterated….to go after him keeps me chained to him…It’s like I cant get him off me….I keep trying to get him off my life….he wont go!!! he has me either way..I get my money he gets my energy and time, I let him go? he still has my money and thats like having a part of me….how can I get him off me? how can I get clear of him?
You said “no more court” so I think you have made your decision. It sounds like a good one to me. Money is only money. You can replace it or do without it.
But time and energy….you can’t replace that. Enough. You are saying enough.
I said enough too.
Maybe that email was what you needed to send for YOURSELF, not him. I sent one like that too, and frankly I don’t care what his reaction was….all I know is it is probably something I didn’t expect, because that is how he is. BUT it made me feel good to write it, and I hope it made you feel good to write yours at the time.
Now I have decided never will he ever hear from me again. I will hang up, I will delete, whatever. AGain, I’m doing this for ME. Who cares what he thinks of it. Finally it is about ME, not him.
That is how you get him off, how you get clear. STart focusing on yourself. And start holding up those “no trespassing signs like that other blog suggests (going NC in your mind).
If this is a repeated pattern, then read, read, read, like The Betrayal Bond. But read with the focus on YOU not him.
I think it is GREAT when we reach the stage of telling them off. GAME IS OVER.
If you need to tell him off more, do so, but don’t send the emails. Block his email. Block him on face book. Or even consider a new email address and drop the old account. Let everyone else know, but not him.
It is hard…our focus was on them for so long, even when apart. It is hard to change ANY habit, let alone our feelings for someone. So it will take some time. Maybe lots of time. But you sound determine.
I had fun putting little stop signs up around my desk, etc…to remind myself to stop …go NC.
Good luck.
Yes, in living reality means not confronting those who are delusional as if they were rational human beings. That is where the CRAZY-MAKING occurs. We keep thinking something we say or do will make a difference, but that is because we are trying things that would work on a rational person.
The people of the lie have been living in a world of their own making for so long that they are beginning to lose touch with reality. Just like the Phillip Garrido guy, who now believes he had a relationship with Jaycee. My xP has also gone off the deep end. His fantasies about being persecuted by cops and homeland security have finally left him permanently paranoid. Karma gets you even if you never leave your house!! Just the lies you tell yourself will haunt you. Reality is the only way to go.