Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
Kim, I never thought you were presuming, nor did that thought even cross my mind, so please don’t worry you have offended me! I am hard to offend.
I do get confused about whether the 12-steps are right for me. Everyone in a 12-step program says they are. But I cannot identify an addiction for the 1st step. I feel like I’m a lot healthier than a lot of the people in the programs that I’ve met (although I think the young boy from last weekend is in a much better place than I am). At the same time, I have a lot of grief buried and don’t have much of an outlet for talking about it or bringing it out. I know I have a lot of things to work on. I just need to find the right outlet. I don’t want to come off as pious or holy or anything. I just can’t seem to relate to a lot of the groups I check out. The best thing that’s worked for me so far is acupuncture. After the session, I could really feel energy shifting around, and unresolved emotions bubbling to the surface. Maybe I just need to continue with this and other forms of energy work. I believe these unresolved emotions are at the bottom of all my issues with men, and why I keep getting attracted to men I can’t have. This is as true of the boy from last weekend as it is of the sociopath. I wish I could do a 2-week silent meditation retreat like the ones I used to do. But with a job and animals (especially snakes), I just can’t seem to find time to get off the treadmill. But even this is a thought that I am creating, that I need a certain structure in order to get well. Maybe I don’t need it at all.
The original article talks about how until we purge all of the negativity inside us, we will continue to attract unhealthy relationships. I don’t see this as a life sentence or description of us as people. I see it as really good news because it is something we have absolute power over. We can release the old pain. I have released enough of it to see lots of changes in my life, but I still have more work to do. I am so grateful to have all of you here to witness the process I’m going through. I hope some day I can write in and say I feel completely clear of all the negativity. And maybe some day I will report that I met a guy I really like who is actually available to me.
Well, speaking of purging negativity, I’m really going through it now over the young guy from last weekend. I am in the midst of acute grief, and boy does it hurt. I’ve been just hugging myself and crying. I hope it ends at some point. I knew what I was getting into with him, playing with fire, but I didn’t know how much it would hurt. I have tried to move on, going out on two dates with guys my age this weekend. While it was a pleasant distraction, I still have the boy on my mind. I think it needs to run its course. I’ve been here before with guys, and it really sucks. At least he’s not a sociopath, so I don’t have that added betrayal to deal with. I’m just so tired of going through this with guys. I have gotten so much attention from men lately, but the ones who get my attention the most continue to be the young ones (late 20’s/early 30’s). I really don’t know what to do about it. I guess it will all work itself out in the end, when I go into the monastery. *sad smirk*
Thanks for letting me vent.
Stargazer,
It’s part of the process, I think. We are lonely and we want to have that special someone. But you weren’t ready. It wasn’t him or you, it was the timing. You did the right thing going out with him because you moved the process along, that painful process that needs to continue until you come out the other side. You will date more people you will get more perspective, never forget to focus on that. Never forget to focus on reality. And you will come out the other side, we all will.
I rented the video DOUBT with meryl streep. she’s such a great actress, possibly the very greatest.
I highly recommend the movie because you will see the narcissist right away!!
This is one movie where the LF gang will have NO DOUBT about what’s going on. watch for all the red flags we are constantly talking about.
Thanks for putting this in perspective for me, Skylar. (Curious where your username comes from, BTW). I feel like I have lost some self-respect by sleeping with the boy, though the kissing and hugging was fine. The sex is the part, though it seemed like a good idea at the time, is what made him distance himself afterward. Live and learn. If I could do it over again, I wouldn’t have done that part of it. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
From a website:
Skyler (Danish), and the meaning of Skylar is “scholar, protection; fugitive; giving shelter”.
Stargazer,
I chose the name because it means “protection through knowledge” or something like that.
It was knowledge that finally gave me an edge on the xP.
Your assessment that you were equally vulnerable made you sleep with him, but afterward you realized that you were not equal, you were more vulnerable than he was. You feel like you lost and he gained. That’s not necessarily the case.
But it was a good idea, because if you don’t mind the pain too much, you realize that it gave you knowledge, about you and about him. Next time you will have better insight – but you wouldn’t have had that insight without this experience.
Same as the hell of living with a P, but not quite as horrific and at least it didn’t last 25 years!
Stargazer…after being hurt so many times, and with your history, I would swear off sex for awhile. I know if I were dating again, I would have a ridiculous rule like no sex for at least the first 6 months of dating someone. I am SO committed to being friends with a guy first. And going slowly. And I would tell any man, sorry, that’s just how it is with me. I know my husband would have waited. Although we got married soon after our first date, we actually had been in a math educ class together for 4 months and had to play math games (with two other people) for 3 hours a week. Which was sort of like dating without sex. We talked and joked lots.
Anyway, I would try to get some rules really clear in my head now, while you are hurting, so that you can make those rules with the reminder of the pain you want to avoid in the future. Then, in the heat of the moment, you just have to remember your rules AND STICK TO THEM. For the sake of avoiding the pain you are in now. You don’t need that.
Stargazer….you say that mostly the young ones are getting your attention. That sounds like wanting validation. We all do. But we need to give it to ourselves.
I would also try making a list of what you REALLY want in man. Dr. Phil’s site has a checklist about that, it can help you think through what is REALLY important to you. Then don’t settle for less, even in a date. Why waste the time? The young guys are a waste of time if you are looking for a long term relationship with a real future, as you have said previously.
Attraction is just attraction. You can mentally note it and then not act on it. Protect yourself like you would a little sister who you love. “Yeah, honey, he’s cute…but not what we are looking for.”
Great username, Skylar. I like what it means. We certainly do protect ourselves through knowledge.
Thanks to both of you for giving me so much to think about. You guys are the greatest. :hugs:
JAH, I feel I walk a fine line with self-protection. At nearly 49 (and celibate often for years at a time), it is unlikely for me that I will ever settle down with anyone, so I feel my free-spirit status should come with some perks. The affair with the boy was one of those perks. I thought about protecting my heart. I could have told him not to fly out here. Then I thought, why? What am I waiting for, you know?
After reading both your responses and giving this some thought, I feel a little better about the whole thing. I could have protected my heart by avoiding sex with him. But I think the outcome would have been the same anyway. I don’t know that I would have done it any differently. That’s what makes it so bittersweet. HOWEVER, if I ever meet someone I feel relationship potential with, I will definitely make him wait!
Attraction is a funny thing, and it’s not just about age for me. I have dated and been attracted to men of all ages. It just seems that lately, the ones I have the most in common with are younger. It may have something to do with my snake obsession. (I think most of you know I keep boa constrictors and belong to a reptile community). Most people in my community are younger. The boy and I had been friends for 8 months before we ever became romantic. Our friendship has spanned 2-1/2 years now. We also have a ton of things in common that I don’t have in common with anyone else. We get along well, and I think there is more of a connection besides just lust. I doubt he would have spent a fortune and flown out from SF just to get laid. So I don’t think he was using me.
It’s just one of those things……we have a 22 year age difference. It just could never be. 🙁
justabouthealed
I cried at the response you gave to me, and thank you so much. I have no one to talk this through with..no one can understand but you have said words that prove you really do understand…its such a relief i am crying!
thank you thank you thank you…I have not had a human repsonse till now and I am just melting with what you said….enough is enough…money is only money…..thank you you are the only person who validated the crazy email…it has to be no contact now…I feel a tremendous “pull” from his end…I do not respond…he can take himself to court..hah!
I couldnt be bothered wasting another minute of my precious life on him…he needs me to catch him out and take him down but I have too much self respect to waste my time on him.
I feel a huge love for him…its forgiving and releasing….its on a soul level….but on a personality level I cannot and will not have anything more to do with him….GAME OVER! pain is huge right now…but I am determined to get CLEAR OF HIM NOW…no contact…no contact…no contact