Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
Hi Oxy et al. Its quite a while since I posted here. Things are really good with me. Since the two years have passed since the ex disappeared on the horizon, I am no longer plagued by obsessive thoughts or indeed any thoughts of him at all. I might think of him if I hear a particular tune, but thats it. I even have a new male friend. I say friend because I have decided to keep him as a companion and he is very safe, he is kind and very reliable and transparent about himself and his business. This is the best quality man I have known and we go out and enjoy days out, and I rarely have to protect my boundaries, because he doesnt demand anything and he is very respectful. So really I feel quite healed now. I hope you are all well and you Oxy how are you?
B*E*V*E*R*L*Y!!!!!!!!!!!
OOOOOOOH am I glad to SEE YOU! I’ve missed your wisdom and sweet spirit on LF sooooooo MUCH!!!!
When you were describing your new “friend” I thought you had bought a DOG!!!!! and were making aJOKE!! ROTFLMAO
I am so glad you are doing well. I am glad that things are wonderful for you and that life is GOOD!
I am so glad you popped in and I think it is wonderful for the newer posters here to KNOW THAT THERE IS LIGHT AND JOY AT THE END OF THIS LONG TUNNEL!!!
There are LF SUCCESS stories!!!!!
I’m still around here because I get so much energy to STAY on that healing road so I do not ever again FALL OFF into the the darkness!
I’m branching out now, though, and am working with our local DV shelter, doing education for the Court Advocates for foster kids, and am going to a meeting next thursday with some others who want to put in a homeless shelter in our area.
I used to wish there were more hours in the day to do things, but now I just wish I had enough energy to fill up all the hours that there are in a day, so blogging on LF at least gives me a REST between more physically taxing things. LOL
Please do stay around Bevie and share some of your newfound happiness and your wonderful wisdom!!!! I sure miss you! Janie has been back some and I’m sure glad to see her. Aloha is in a masters program to become a therapist! She’s busy but checks back in from time to time.
You are always in my prayers and my thoughts!!!!! Love and big hugs, Oxy
Hi Oxy, I am so so pleased to be able to talk with you again. Of course I will stay around. I never forget the support I received from the LF site, from you all and from Donna and Steve to enable me to heal, get better. I am really good, well healed and testimony that things CAN AND DO GET BETTER, even the obsessive thinking thins out after a while. Ha. I had to laugh about your comments about the dog, but even some dogs can be nasty Oxy. This man has so many good qualities, but although I dont feel that chemistry, I am so pleased to have someone in my life (albeit at a safe distance) that I can genuinely communicate with, who is kind and genuine, is giving and honest – even in a dog those would be good qualities Oxy. I am so pleased to see Oxy that you are the matriach of the site, and giving that solid strength that I know you have. Yes Oxy, there IS light at the end of the tunnel and I will check in with you again soon. Love and light to you Oxy. Love from Bev. xxxxxoxxxxxx
Dearest Oxy, when I think about the nightmare I shared with you all, well he nearly killed me, the ruination of my health was a big blow, but then whatever way they take you for a ride is a big blow. But I have real faith in healing and I have witnessed it in myself and others and I will never allow myself to go down that path again. I have spoken to many people about my story and at first they look at me abit perplexed and then when I really go deaper into it, they realise the seriousness of it all and they usually say – well, I know several people like that. Anyway, his demon energy is no longer in mine and although I have some other issues to attend to, all in all things are good. I have also spoken to men who have been ripped off, but all we can do is to educate ourselves and others. Love to you all. Bev. xxxxxx
Dear Oxy, One of the reasons I have not posted, was my laptop was playing up since last December and then broke down in March. But I have been able to fix it, because I had to, there wasnt anyone who was going to fix it for me. And Yeay I got it going this week. Just shows what you can do when you have to – they call me Mrs. Fixit!! Bev. xxxxxx
Dear Bev,
I hope your health continues to do well, please update me on that if you don’t mind.
Seeing your post today was like a ray of sunshine, and sunshine has been very rare around here, we have had rain almost every day in september (VERY unusual) and I MISS the sun and crisp days of September instead of this soggy humidity! LOL
Seeing your post today and knowing you are doing well and that there is joy in your life gives me a big lift! I know that it must do so for others too, because as you and I well know and shared so long ago, there are days we feel like we will never be out of pain, much less HAPPY again!
Looking back to when we first “met” here on LF and all that has gone on since then in our lives and in the lives of our companions from then, some gone on to great and joyful lives, and others who just “disappeared” is bittersweet. I am so happy for those of us who have stayed SQUARELY on that road to healing, even when the road was covered with emotional broken glass and we were crawling on our bellies. But, I am also so PROUD OF AND FOR US that we did stay on the road, even when it was rough, because it DOES get smoother and better as you and I both can testify! (without the psychopaths in our lives!!!) NC FOREVER!!!!
Your wisdom and support was a big part of keeping me on that road when I felt I couldn’t even crawl! Thanks Bev!!!
Stayingsane….I just got back on and saw your response. GREAT. Others have done the same for me. Now besides staying sane, you can stay strong! You can do it!
Keep posting! I know many are thinking of you, hoping you continue to make progress, we are all on that journey.
Stargazer…well, from my 59, your 49 seems awfully young to be deciding that you won’t be settling down. Life is such an adventure! there are about 40 different paths I’d like to be on! The great thing about being single is you can go on any path you want.
I realize I don’t know everything about your situation, and I’m glad if I brought clarity, even if I brought it by being all wrong! When I was 56, I spent a week undercover in another state with a 27 year old hunk, staying in a different motel each night. Had I been younger…..But I wasn’t, and so despite the incredible connection between us…and I look much younger than I am…. we just never went “there” or even within 50 miles of there. But we laughed, we had danger, we documented bad stuff, and we cracked each other up to relieve the pressure. If I said the wrong thing and revealed his identity, he would have been beaten to a pulp if not worse. We remain really close friends now, I think of him as the son I never had and enjoy and love him that way, as does my husband. I’m so glad I did the right thing, because this way, he continues to enrich my life, and the other path is a distant, distant memory, if that.
Just one last observation, from the book Emotional Rape. ANYTIME there is some kind of inequality in a relationship….age, looks, money, class, etc…..the chances for exploitation rise dramatically. After what I’ve been through, there is NO WAY I would get involved with a man much richer or much younger or older. The likely hood of exploitation is just too much for me to risk, ever again.
Actually, no one could beat him to a pulp. Scratch that. LOL!
Hectates, all my single friends even the married, all the married envy the single!
There are certain personality types that crave a stable and mature relationship with someone more than others. I am one. But I’ve tried very hard to prepare myself for the sudden loss of my husband, because one rarely knows.
I have a couple of girlfriends that I talk to almost every night. They are usually brief calls….but a connection like that will be an anchor if anything happens.
The older we get, I think the more we women realize what we can do for each other. We can send each other flowers, buy each other jewelry, send sentimental cards….we can really fill for each other that need for a strong emotional connection and someone who cares about what is happening daily.
It is not the same as an intimate relationship with a man, but it is also something worth pursuing. Maybe you already have that. I didn’t before the P. Now I do. Ironically, partly because of him. I was such a wreck I had to reach out!
This is the first time I haven’t felt a lone in my experience with a sociopath. For so long I thought that it was such a unique situation that no one could offer me advice or comfort, but now I realize that there is are a lot of people who understand. I think this realization will greatly help out on the path to being truly healed.
I keep stumbling upon thoughts and descriptions that ring so true to my own that it gives me chills. I have pushed the scars I carry from him so far to the back of my consciousness, but they manifest in my life in various ways.
Since the end of that relationship I have been on a quest to reinvent myself and embrace my true identity. I have healed a lot, and am grateful for the experience because it has shown me so much. But I’m still struggling.
I haven’t been able to have an intimate relationship since leaving him. Recently I’ve realized that I have simply replaced romance with brief sexual encounters. Now I realize that instead of filling the empty space with sex I need to heal myself. I want to fall in love again but I still don’t quite feel that I’m worthy.
I realize that what attracted the sociopath into my world was this feeling of unworthiness. I still have moments of self-doubt and a lack of self-confidence. Does anyone have any advice or relate to these emotions?