Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
JAH,
As the days wear on, I am starting to feel more hurt and confused by this affair with the boy. I don’t necessarily feel raped as much as used and discarded. I once felt this way with an older man I had an affair with who was a former teacher/mentor of mine. This is not necessarily a pattern, but it’s happened to me a few times, so obviously I haven’t gotten the lesson.
The thing that unstuck me a month ago was to finally talk to the boy about our affair 2 years ago and tell him I was hurt. He apologized. I could have left it at that. But he insisted on seeing me again and “making amends” to me in person. We both knew what that meant. I don’t think the recent rekindling of the affair itself was hurtful–it was great. It’s just the way he pulled away afterward that makes me feel like it was meaningless. Same thing that happened 2 years ago that hurt so much. He apologized for his behaviors 2 years ago. But I don’t think he realizes he hurt me again. He is so young and isn’t this what 27 year olds do? Should I hold him accountable? After all, he never lied to me or made any promises to me.
So here I am in the same situation I was in 2 years ago with him. Do I say something to him? What good would that do? It may give me closure. Or he may say something to hurt me even more. Or it may rekindle something that is dangerous for me. I’m not sure where to go from here. I really feel stupid and embarrassed. I could really use advice on this one. I really feel way too vulnerable continuing to go to him with my feelings while he has not so much as sent me an email since his return. But if it helps me to heal, I’ll bite the bullet and do it. Opinions?
He is actively working the 12 steps and told me he is very concerned with people he hurts. I wonder if he would want to know how I feel right now. It was such a relief to talk to him last time. It may be a relief to talk to him again. But…..
Okay, I guess I need to vent here….you know there are SO many people in my life I just never really had closure with, including my parents, who could never really hear me or how much they hurt me. This is one of the reasons I keep things to myself so much. I have had so many experiences with people judging my feelings or not caring. I get so tired of always keeping things to myself. I now have this opportunity to work through some of my abandonment feelings. But once again, I’ve picked a guy who is not really available to me. Although if I called him, he may listen and be sympathetic. I wish there were any other way to get through these issues than having to constantly be vulnerable with men who are not available. It is the hardest thing to do. I feel like somehow, this hard path–walking through a ring of rejection–is the path I’m supposed to walk. Why can’t it be easier? (I’m crying right now). Thanks for letting me vent.
Sometimes you never really get closure.. I think sometimes you just have to heal yourself and move on because it is rare that a person is really going to give you the closure that you need, especially not a person who is messed up themselves. Maybe try to speak with a counselor or someone with an outside perspective that can be an impartial voice. It sounds like you just need someone to talk to. Counselors can help so much.
Dear Star,
I wanted “closure” too, but I have found that NO ONE except OURSELVES can really give us CLOSURE. I think depending on someone else validating us or giving us closure is the wrong choice to make, I think we can NEVER let our peace, our joy, ourselves depend 100% on anyone else, but we must validate ourselves. It is difficult, it is a rocky road, but when I started validating myself, loving myself, trusting myself, ,what others felt didn’t matter so much to me any more.
We here at LF can give you some “closure” by saying that we understand some of what you are going through, but the ULTIMATE closure and happiness, depends on YOU—not some man, not us, not your mom, not you neighbor, but YOU!
You can do it Star! I know you can!!! (hugs)))
N_Transformation, I thing the feelings of unworthiness is what made me not have any boundaries, wave a red flag in front of my face… no problem! That, and the fact that I am so compassionate, want to fix everyone, etc… well, I may as well have been walking around with a bullseye on my forehead. I fall into every category… I began to see everything as a challenge I could handle,
oops, the laptop is sliding off my lap! So, anyway, most of the healing process has been learning about myself, not just them. I don’t feel unworthy anymore, I’m not going to accept crumbs/crap anymore. Hope you keep posting!!
Stargazer,
I’m trying not to see him as a psychopath who took advantage of your vulnerability because i don’t know how you portrayed yourself to him. Maybe you came across so casual that he felt you didn’t have boundaries.
It sounds like you take sex very seriously in your mind, but not in your behavior. You make a connection with the person you are intimate with, and then you expect them to be the same. I don’t want to paint all men with the same brush (or all women either) but many men are not that way. It sounds like you wanted some “psychic cuddling” from this guy. you know, some phone calls or emails while you both reveled in the beauty of what you experienced together. But he is not wired that way. His romance with you was not recorded in the same part of the brain where you recorded yours. it was filed under “fun”.
Try not to let this bother you. He is only being himself. Accept him as he is. But expect that he will try to contact you every once in a while for a repeat – maybe once or twice a year. Be ready to know what you want.
I’m probably very much like you. I could have casual sex way back when I was young, but I’m not sure if I can now. My friend kissed my cheek yesterday and I found my mouth smiling at the thought today – before I even realized it. It freaked me out because I don’t think I’ve smiled unconsciously for over 10 years. In fact one of my biggest worries is that my face will get a permanent frown and then no one will love me – I’m not kidding.
Anyway, I digress. I mean to say that I’m worried that if I have sex with someone who makes me smile and then I don’t make them smile (reflexively) at the thought of me, it will break my heart. That’s why I was thinking it might be better to have sex with someone I barely like… I don’t know, just a way to not get hurt I guess.
shabbychic,
you described me when you describe yourself.
Stargazer, it seems like you are second guessing yourself because you are missing him. I thought at first you sounded very happy you spent the weekend with him and he acknowledged hurting you in the past, and that he apologized. I don’t know if you should call him, is he capable of giving you closure or will you just stay stuck in the situation? I am reallly suprised to read that he has not emailed you or called you since you were together. Don’t feel used and discarded! Don’t fall down the rabbit hole! Maybe the whole thing has just triggered some memories / emotions of past events. You certainly shouldn’t feel stupid and embarrassed!!! With the advice you have shared with us here at LF… you are obviously a very smart, sensitive woman. Don’t tell youself it was meaningless to him, you are telling yourself you are unworthy… and aren’t we learning to love ourselves here???
Stargazer, One of the reasons I haven’t dated in two years is because I don’t want to experience what you are going through. I become attached in relationships very quickly, and the men I’m involved with sence this and generally run the other way. I tend to pusue them, or I have to fight myself really hard not to. I start to feel a little crazy, and it hurts.
I would advise against contacting him, but that’s just my 2 cents. You have to make your own decisions.
We aren’t always aware of what motivates us. Sometimes our unconscience is at the wheel. I would ask myself why I was always attracted to the unavailable, and work on the issues behind that.
I’m sorry you feel so sad. You have a lot of wise and caring people here at LF to talk to. Be gentle with yourself.