Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
skylar, i believe i learned all that about myself here on LF! Maybe i could get a teenie bullseye tattooed on my forehead, small… like how they can print the entire Lord’s Prayer on a pinhead… just to remind myself never to go to that place again! Sometimes I feel like a little mouse… that a mountain lion is waiting to pounce on, oh, i was feeling like that last week when i talked to the assclown, he hasn’t called back like he said he would, i tried the boring and bland, so far, so good! I’m not answering any more blocked numbers!!!!!!
kim, you just described me!!
shabbychic,
I am amazed at how well the boring/bland works! I’ve heard good feedback on it.
The amazing part is the way I found out about it. I was completely dazed and confused after running from my P because I didn’t know what a P WAS. I went to a sushi bar and a complete stranger started to talk to me. So, I just opened up and told him my situation. He said, “oh, that’s a malignant narcissist.” From there he started to tell me about a woman who had stalked him. They were both lawyers and she was well respected in her field but she went nuts after a few months and he had to get rid of her. He realized that any emotional reaction just triggered more stalking. So he went into boring mode and she evaporated. I will have to call him one day and ask him if he thought of this himself or if he learned it somewhere. All I can say is if he thought of it himself, he is a genious. I was kind of interested in him, but I think he is afraid of contacting me after how I described my P.
He also told me that his dad is a N and his mom N-lite. his siblings are all N but he does see them. He says he makes an effort to be as boring in life as possible. I told him I found boring, VERY EXCITING. LOL.
I don’t blame him.
Dear Stargazer:
I feel like we are very much alike, though you’re a bit younger – my feelings about sex and relationships have been similar to yours and I’ve struggled so much with those hurt
feelings that you’ve expressed, especially after being intimate with someone. But we’re both old enough to know that men are different in their approach to sex, and also the
men you’ve (I’ve) chosen recently have been unavailable really, even to themselves. Your friend, whatever age – and he is young – is doing the 12-steps so he’s on the right
track it seems, but he’s definitely searching for answers for himself. And any man, if he senses you are needy or a sensitive person, definitely seems to take that ‘down time’ after being with you intimately, it almost seems a given if they are trying to figure out their own true feelings , or if they’re a total jerk, they just aren’t that concerned – which doesn’t sound like the young guy here from what you’ve said.
I still don’t really know the right approach – we women have certain expectations of what a ‘normal’, caring guy would do. But then because we’re not totally confident, fulfilled
women in our own right – we end up with men who are confused about who they are (and then who we are) as well! It makes for colliding bodies and hearts and even if we’re
intelligent, we have to admit we need a manual to figure out our next emotion and our next move with each other.
I’ve had someone younger interested in me at work. Nice guy but he just broke up with girlfriend of two years ago and has a drinking problem. The attraction is there and I’ve
had some nice conversations with him but I told him I had to resolve this present relationship that is very important to me. And on my recent trip away and even while I’ve been
sick, I realize more and more – there are definitely red flags where he’s concerned for number of reasons. And bottom line, once I resolve this heavy duty relationship I’ve been
in, it would be way better for me to just sit relationships out for awhile – sit on the love sidelines and nurse my wounds and have fun with my girlfriends, even non-sexual boyfriends.
Because I’ve had casual sex, it can be nice to have a fling but I think you’re like me (and alot of other women…) You want a real spiritual, intellectual connection as well, you
BOND with that person you give yourself to sexually and of course, you feel major disappointment when it isn’t surrounding you afterward in an ongoing, considerate , let’s be
in this together kind of relationship. But I think one reason we’re all here is because we are the walking (and writing) wounded- right now anyway. And it would be good to give
ourselves a break – read some classics, go bowling, volunteer to pick up trash for the Forest Service (my friend just called, said she did that today). We’ll have our day again
in the sun again with a guy, I just know right now I need to get real about myself and why I’ve been this vulnerable and build up some emotional muscle before I go out on the
playing field again.
Personally I think, don’t call him – I think he’ll eventually call you. If not, you sound like such a great person, just know you enjoyed his company and it’s not about you – you’ll
be fine in the long run if you hold your head high and know how wonderful you are! You’ve already touched many of us with your comments here, it’s good to know you!
I cannot thank you all enough for your comments. They have helped me so much and brought tears to my eyes. Forgive me for not mentioning everyone’s name. After taking a nice long bath and thinking and then coming back and reading your comments, I have decided to do absolutely nothing about this guy. I will just continue to improve myself and my life so that I may some day attract a more available man. And if not, at least I will just be happier. I do think my emotionality scared him. Oh well. I am who I am. It’s not like I am constantly going from one guy to the next. I am celibate for long periods of time. It is rare that I even get attracted to anyone. I will not dole myself out a life sentence of celibacy because of my unresolved issues. I hate it when I start to get close to someone and then see my own neediness reflected back to me. But it is what it is. Somehow those needs just do not come out until I am close to someone. It becomes a catch 22. I still think there are men out there who can be patient and compassionate with someone going through that. But probably not the type I am attracted to. 😉
After my last fling with him, I didn’t say anything to him for 2 years. He emailed me a few times (mostly in between relationships, but not always) and I was polite, though distant, from him. Two years seemed to be the magic amount of time before I felt he would be receptive to my feelings. And now it is time to pull away again. Perhaps if he ever comes around, we will both benefit by my telling him how he was a different person after sex, and how much I was affected by that. Or maybe I won’t feel the need. Whoever said I should just let him be who he is is completely right. This is what I set out to do, and my feelings got in the way. So I will get back on that course.
Thanks so much for helping and not judging me. I really need the support right now.
Hugs
I did force myself to go out on 2 dates last weekend with men my age. They were okay, but I was not really very interested in them. I went on a hike with one of them, and it was fun though. We may go hiking again this weekend. I keep hoping these guys I date can just become friends. Most guys seem to want to get physical so quickly, and it takes me such a long time to develop those kinds of feelings for someone. So we’re never on the same page. I keep trying and moving forward with men. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I am forcing myself to, if for no other reason than to fine tune my communication skills with them.
And yeah, he’s not a psychopath, so there’s a step in the right direction. lol
Star, well that’s an interesting comment… “But probably not the type I am attracted to.” I ‘ve been wondering why why why nobody has ever loved me unconditionally, just loved me for me, and maybe thats why.
skylar, yes, your boring and bland theory is interesting. I personally believe that since I was so dumb and needy before… and he doesn’t know I’ve changed because I never said anything… well. he doesn’t understand why I’m not calling HIM, does that make sense? I am rejecting him by not calling him, and I don’t think he knows what to make out of it, I was so polite (and boring) when he called, didn’t let on that I wanted to scream at him and ask him to pay me back the money he owes me, if I gave an inch, he’d try to take a mile. In fact when I heard his voice… I said “who is this?” HA HA!!!!!
Shabbychic, Yes it makes sense. Finally after years of fighting with him, years of frustration, tears imploring him, I finally gave up and went NC. It was the only thing I did in seven years that empowered me. It was the only thing I ever “said” that he really GOT. It’s sooo f–ked up, but it’s the only solution.
Sky, I love your new attitude. I am always attracted to the same type. Ussually they seem very independant, strong emotionally and a little macho.
At any rate they either turn out to be P’s preying on my vulnerability, or commitment phobes who run like hell.
I think its great that you’re just having fun with some of the older guys. Try to enjoy yourself and keep it light.
As Oxy would say, (((HUGS)))
All of you have described me in some way or another. The whole reason I went on my voyage of emotionless sex was because I was afraid of emotion-filled sex. I don’t have sex with men I like generally. In fact, I’m petrified of anyone who seems remotely interested in me. At the heart of the issue I’m not confident enough with myself so it’s hard for me to believe they could be interested, and if they really are then they just don’t know me well enough yet. Another theme is that I search every possible reason why they would like me; what they are trying to GAIN from me. I don’t believe that I will ever end up with a sociopath again, but subconsciously I’m still wary of people, particularly men.
Kim, you said something that I related to my life immensely: “I tend to pursue them, or I have to fight myself really hard not to. I start to feel a little crazy, and it hurts.” That is exactly what I do sometimes. Usually it happens when I’m at a party or have been drinking. I become pretty aggressive and almost throw myself at them, and then of course they back away from me because that’s just scary. Most men are terrified of clingy women. And just like how none of us want to end up with another guy who has such unresolved issues, they don’t want to date someone with problems themselves. My best advice (to myself and to all of us) is to wait for the person that feels right. I’m restraining myself now and trying to be patient, trying to take things slow and see where they go. I believe that when we’re healed ourselves and when we are living life the way our souls yearn to, that’s when love comes a long. When a guy wants to be with you, you know it; you don’t have to question it. We all deserve happy and healthy relationships, but must be happy and healthy ourselves first in order to attract them. I feel like many of us are trying to be so proactive and take our lives into control because we’ve been manipulated and controlled before. That’s great, but when it comes to love there are two people involved, and it isn’t up to us to find Mr. Right and if we do it isn’t up to just us to get into a relationship with him, make the relationship work, and so forth. There is a balance between controlling your life and realizing that you can have a partner. We need someone who is strong and gentle, someone that is willing to take things slow and not run away, and that person seems like they would be more of the type that would approach us not the reverse way around.
The universe balances everything, and I firmly believe that when you invest your heart and soul into someone and end up getting destroyed because they are so internally malignant, the universe will bring you peace and love in later years to balance out this pain. But, once again, only if you find that loving light within yourself first.
My motto these days has been to take things easy, to just chill out a bit. I get crushes still sometimes, but I don’t do much about them anymore. I’d rather be as healed as possible before I meet someone worthy of me instead of carrying over all of these scars into a relationship with someone who really doesn’t deserve it.
That ran long, but I think I was speaking to myself mostly. I can’t express enough how much it helps me to hear your words. I never thought there would be a support group out there for me that matched so completely. We’re all beautiful people that were targeted for our large hearts, and we may have been broken but we’re also strong. I hope you all manifest love and peace into your lives and try to be patient.