Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
Stargazer,
I haven’t dated in a VERY long time. After my husband died I was so “wounded” for so long. My first romantic involvement a few years after his death, was so painful, I backed off from dating. So I am certainly not an expert…. I am ALONE, if that gives you any clue!
However so many things you have said remind me of myself when it comes to how I thought about men and how I related to them….
But it was during my long “phase” of having no desire to put myself out there again, and not dating that I really did figure out what my “issues” with men really were/are.
First of all my “heart” and my “head” were in direct conflict with each other.
Like you I was attracted to younger men. At the time I looked younger than my years and for whatever reason younger men were also attracted to me.
But what I was “attracted” to didn’t always go hand in hand with what I really wanted in a relationship.
What I “wanted” (in my head) was a stable, loyal, kind, funny, confident, trustworthy & sensitive kind of guy who was comfortable in his own skin……
Yet what I was “attracted” to was rugged good looks, a little bit of a bad boy, SLIGHTLY cocky, charming, younger guy.
So I was really setting myself up. The men I was attracted to couldn’t give me what I really wanted.
I was never a “party girl” and can be quite reserved around men until I get to know them. But I also have a nurturing nature and maybe that is what attracted younger men? I’m not sure.
Also for me, I kept repeating a “pattern”…Though unaware of this at the time. I grew up with an alcoholic father and although I don’t drink hardly at all, I tended to attract what I didn’t want. Men that had “issues” with alcohol. Even if it wasn’t apparent to begin with early in the relationship, (maybe they were in recovery) it would become a problem later on.
Dating is HARD, especially when we have not dated for a while.
As we get a little older and wiser it doesn’t mean that it gets any easier. The only advantage to having more “life experience” behind us is to be able to reflect back on those experiences.
Take an “honest” look. If this young man has given you reason to think he is “casual sex” kind of guy, then that is probably exactly what kind of guy he is. This does NOT REFLECT in any way on you……It’s NOT you. Its him.
Trust your instincts. If it feels hurtful to you, then it isn’t something good for you. Chemestry or not, it isn’t worth it.
Chances are that you very well might develop a good friendship with one of the men you are dating casually right now. And possibly that friendship might turn into something more down the road?
Even if it doesn’t, a good “man friend” is a wonderful thing to have….
Always trust your instinct. Maybe that is the best “tool” a woman has when dating….I think we listen to our hearts instead.
Guys,
For me, the dating thing after my husband was killed, was “what can I do to make this man like me?” NOW on the one guy I dated (3 times before he left the area) was “WILL I LIKE HIM?” The whole idea was turned 180 degrees around from ‘what can I do to make him want/like me?” to assessing if I LIKED him!
For me, I think that tells me that I am probably ‘safe” to date because I am no longer NEEDY, I am WHOLE and INDEPENDENT, and watching out for myself.
I am no longer feeling a NEED for some other person to make me WHOLE and “complete” me—I am whole just like I am, and the guy who deserves me is a very special guy, and I am not looking for “Mr. Perfect” but he sure needs to be “Mr. Nice Guy”
This guy seemed genuinely nice..but he has homes in 3 places so is back in his primary residence for now. Will he call me when he gets back up here? Maybe, maybe not, but either way is fine with me. I’m not sitting here wishing he would call, or needing him to call.
For the first time in my life I am totally at PEACE with being “alone” and not having a relationship in my life with a man. I do have male friends, and that is great too, but the main point to me is that I no longer feel I NEED anyone, but if someone came along that I liked and became good friends with, it might develop into something else and I thinnk I could be realistic about the character of the man rather than trying to “see him” as something he isn’t.
ps: “Chemistry” is waaaaaay over rated as a way to pick a mate. If the person is good to you, you’d be suprised how much chemistry can then develop SLOWLY, but “chemistry at first sight,” in my opinion, is a RED FLAG!
Oxy,
the only chemistry I had with my P when i first met him was fear! My body reacted with horror, but when he was able to fix my car, I over rode that fear and felt gratitude. I offered to make him dinner, because he seemed poor and I didn’t want him spending more money on me. Then, he was so respectful, that I offered him a kiss as he was leaving.
On the next night, it was late so I said he could spend the night. I went into my room and put on what I always slept in: a red, neck to toe, zip up pyjamas with feet, just like children wear. Meanwhile he was standing there naked. I told him to crawl in bed but he offered to leave. I asked “why?” so he said, “ok, I’ll stay til you fall asleep.” the next morning he was gone
the next date, he said he wouldn’t spend the night unless I took off the red suit. I acquiesed. Of course now, without my zipup full body pyjamas, I had no defenses and we had sex. It’s not that I never had sex with anyone, I dated several guys and had sex with most of them. I just had no chemistry with him, I felt sorry for him. It was after sex that I fell in love. He was very eager to please and made sure that I was satisfied way beyond any man ever had. Doesn’t he seem like the perfect man?
Physical chemistry…..cannot live without it.
That’s why I stayed for almost 10 years.
He was able to smooth over A LOT of bad behavior with “chemistry”.
And because the physical chemistry was so great, I guess I assumed we were on the same page emotionally/morally, as well.
DAMN IT!!
On a sidebar note, ladies: It is a jungle out there in the dating arena.
Remember the old saying, “Boys will be boys.” And they definitely will.
Men will say and do ANYTHING for sex. Even the nice ones.
There are good men out there, but they are very hard to find.
Another quote that I learned very young, and turned out to be true is, “If he does it WITH you, he will do it TO you.”
Now, get out there, and get your man!! (Remember to wear your LoveFraud Shield)
The above post is for those who are feeling ready to date again, of course.
Skylar,
‘
There was more RED FLAGS that night than your RED JAMMIES!!!
Statistics show that “arranged marriages” are more ultimately satisfying than the way we do it in our culture. There is a 50% first marriage divorce rate here, plus how many of the 50% tht actually stay together are actually HAPPY? There is a 75% divorce rate in 2nd marriages. How many people do you know who have been married 3-4-5 times?
It seems that whatever it is that is making Americans get married isn’t something that is working even 50% of the time.
Also the statistics show that people who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced after marriage than those that did not live together.
Also, ladies, humans are PROGRAMMED CHEMICALLY to BOND to those they are having sex with and I think that is more so in women than in men. We bond to who we are sleeping with. Men are somewhat bonded to who they sleep with but NOT SO MUCH AS WOMEN. I think that is just the NATURE OF THE MAN, however…that said, I think the statistics are something like 60% (don’t hold me to that exact number) of men who cheat on their spouses at least once, and about 40% for women. Tht doesn’t speak very highly of our morals or our committements to “wedding vows” does it.
In the diary of a midwife circia 1745-1819, she kept statistics on the babies born that she delivered and something like 40% of the first babies at that time were conceived BEFORE marriage, so this is NOT something new—we can’t even think that people in the “olden days” were any more moral or upright than we are even though there were less divorces. PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE and always have been! LOL
And at that time they also had “fatal” STDs because there was no cure for them and those STDs were awful. However, due to the times, there actually may have been MANY LESS DIFFERENT PARTNERS just because of the culture and the BAD conosequences (especially for a woman) to get caught cheating.
I don’t guess there is anyone in the world who likes sex any better than I do, however, due to a lot of considerations, I am a “retro-fitted” virgin at this time in my life and will remain so unless I believe STRONGLY that my partner is CLEAN of STDS and that he is absolutely NOT engaging in sex with any other partner.
That means that there is an STD check FIRST—a complete one that I SEE the results of, —that is number ONE and there must be a COMMITTED relationship that I am pretty doggoone sure is just HIM AND ME, and not others.
Condoms may HELP cut down the spread of STDS of several kinds, but there are MANY KINDS OF STD that a condom does not even SLOW DOWN. Keep in mind that in spite of what our visiting TRAWLER stated, the statistics of preventing pregnancy with condoms is only about 90% and a woman is only fertile 2-3 days a month, so there is definitely a frequent EXCHANGE OF BODY FLUIDS even WITH a condom.
My HEALTH and wellbeing is FIRST AND FOREMOST my concern. Sex is fun, it is supposed to be! But the consequences of NOT being careful are just too GRIM to take chances in my book! I know not everyone agrees with me on this score, and I am NOT judging anyone else’s choice, but just pointing out the LOGIC behind my own choices.
The rate of HIV transmission in the “baby boomer” generation is growing as more and more of us have sex with multiple partners and we are not generally as well educated about the risks as the younger generation and the Good Lord knows they are NOT all practicing “safer sex”—-just because we older folks are not “high risk” doesn’t mean we can’t get it.
Well, he was just on the phone with me but he doesn’t want to meet with me just yet. At first he said that he wanted to meet me at his lawyers office to sign papers. Then when I said that I would but wanted to talk first, he said he just isn’t ready to see me.
so full of sh*t.
I have heard from the grapevine that he was panning for gold in the mountains with some other people. He says he is ready to go live in the mountains and not have any more contact with people. He said he was in another state, but I heard that he was up in Oroville, WA.
He is going into the mountain man mode of the Unibomber, I can tell.
It’s always been a part of him, but the narcissistic injury of it all has hit the fan.
I have definitely listened to the advice about avoiding anyone you have chemistry with, or at least that passionate “love at first sight” kind of chemistry. I have been sexually active with a guy on and off since around May, and I know that he’s had somewhat of a crush on me for sometime. My problem is that I sleep with people too quickly, though sometimes I don’t have sex with him I just lay with him. I have made it point, however, when I’m around people I tend to start a self-defensive rant about how I love being single and having casual sex and that I’m not looking for anything serious at all. I guess it’s because I’m scared or feel incapable of sustaining any sort of “involvement” to one single person on an intimate level so I make sure there’s no chance of that occurring. I’ve talked repeatedly this way around him at first to let him know to not expect anything serious. But then we ended up having sex, and it took me a while but now I like him. He is a wonderful person and very genuine, and also not very “exciting” in a good way. He’s basic, but compassionate and accepting. All of these characteristics have become so appealing to me that now I do want something a bit more, not necessarily serious because it will take me a really long time to get to that point with someone again, but just not simply casual sex. I’m scared though that he doesn’t want that, and the reason we keep hooking up is because he feels that I’m safe, since I’m totally emotionally attached from sex (every guy’s fantasy!). How do I find out? I’m not so sure I’m ready, or should, have a conversation with him about it yet because he could just be the physical manifestation of my yearning for a more stable situation and to be in love, since it has been so long. Any advice?
NT,
whoops, you bonded!
just like superglue on your finger. yes, we can rationalize it all day long, but the oxytocin did the trick and now you are starting to feel for him. You need to find out how he feels about you. No conversation because, he may lie, or he may not know how he feels about you. Or else, he may not WANT to know how he feels about you.
Before you use your “inner P” to trick him into taking you seriously, you need to really know if you want his guy for keeps. You need to step away from the cookie jar and be objective. this may be the most difficult thing you will do. Perhaps distance yourself for several weeks. with NC?
Or start dating someone else. That’s why it’s important to date several people at once, that way you can know when you’re being clingy or when you really like/admire someone.
I was dating several people when I met the P. I had so many boyfriends that there was no way I was gonna bond with him by accident. But he told me that he wanted to be a one woman man and expected the same from me. BS!
If you conclude that he is a keeper, based on what happened during your self test, then you have to test him. This is when the innerP is needed. Stop hooking up with him and see if he still wants to see you. I don’t want you to lie about your relationship with other guys, thats kinda sick. But maybe you could tell him that you are taking Paxil and it has ruined your sex drive. Then you will know if he likes you for you or for sex.
Wow, I just realized that Paxil is a great excuse for soooo many things! Just blame Paxil when you start acting bland and boring, when you don’t want sex, or when you are testing your lover’s committment to you! Can anyone think of anymore Paxil uses?