Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
Skylar, Excellant birth control. Just stay on your back and hold it between your knees. Ha.
Thanks for the advice. It would be the best idea to not see him for a while and check myself out first. Fortunately, he is a kind person and not pressuring at all. We’ve also been friends for a bit so I at least know his friend circle and have seen him in a different light before liking him. Not that I know I can trust him, just that he’s at least not able to hide everything. The hardest part is controlling my own sexual appetite haha. And now that I’ve decided to put the breaks on random casual sexcapades it is going to be even more of a struggle not to have sex with someone who I actually do like. I might not use the Paxill excuse, however, I’d rather tell him the truth. I’d like to see how he’d react to that. He isn’t in the dark on the fact that I have emotional issues. He has seen my ex’s “magic” first hand and as a friend we’ve talked about the ordeal. So… it wouldn’t be a surprise to him I’m sure.
Being in college world makes everything even more bizarre because it’s so easy for relationships to be fake anyway. You’re together during the semester, and then it all gets pushed to the back of your mind during breaks. Plus, it’s the sort of environment where sex is definitely not equated with emotion. People my age are still having fun with their sex drives and developing. I feel like ancient amongst my peers a lot of the time, particularly guys.
I almost feel guilty for admitting this, but it just feels great to have a crush again. I haven’t really had one in a long, long time. I’ve had butterflies lately when I think about him and get nervous before I see him.. I didn’t even recognize the feelings at first. I thought something was wrong with me, and then I described them to a friend and they were like “uh… you have a crush..” haha. I was like OOOH.. I do.
Skylar, I just re-read my last post and realized how it might have sounded to you. I didn’t mean you personally, I meant anybody, myself included, except I’m so old I don’t need it, and I’m not getting laid anyway.
NTransformation:
Be honest with this guy, and tell him how you feel. From what I am reading, there’s a good chance he may feel the same way.
Guys will respect honesty, and a girl who is being real with them. What they do NOT appreciate is being lied to, and the head games that go along with it.
Just tell him what you posted above about how you have developed feelings for him. It sounds like he is a genuine guy who really likes you.
You will never know unless you talk to him.
Good Luck!
I agree with Rosa.
kim,
I got the joke. I love your sense of humor. Your wit is the best.
NT and Rosa,
wow! honesty. scary. You guys are way ahead of me with your healing.
You are probably right and when I’m thinking realistically, I have to admit that I would probably be honest too. just because I’m too lazy to lie. But when I’m sitting here at my computer, thinking about P’s, I go into self-protect mode and start fantasizing about all kinds of ways to protect myself from P’s. I start thinking about everything from ‘Paxil excuses’ to ‘revenge for hire, inc.’
I guess I’m still in the “deer in the headlights” mode. It’s only been since May, and today the P called me on the phone. Threatening to hire lawyers.
He is sooooooo sick. I mean like mentally ill, delusional type sick. I can’t believe I never saw it before.
Hi guys….
Another date….and no more bouncy hair!
Wow….I can’t believe this one…..
I have spoken with this gentleman several times…..wonderful voice, calm, giving, caring and interested in what I have to say.
Today he called me and asked if I wanted to have lunch….He said whatever time I had, he would make it work.
I have felt very comfortable with my conversations so I obliged and met him at a local restaurant for an hour.
I swear…..each step I take….throughout my day…..I learn more and more about myself! I love that!
He was so kind and gentle, so calm…..all new to me! I loved how he made me feel in our conversation. No games……no one upping, no bragging…..just getting to know one another.
I realised when he kept pressing the point on what I do for fun…..that i do nothing for fun! How sad is that…..that needs to change!
I feel like 3 parts…..the prior EB, the transitional EB and the current EB. Now, how can I explain that to him?!
Don’t want to delve into the mess of my transitional life….but realizing that is WHO I was, and what got me to today……
We know a lot of the same ‘names’ and have done business with a lot of the same persons……far and wide.
Our lives are on different spectrums but the mutual respect was apparant.
It would be the equivilant of me being his secretary and him the CEO……
Kinda trippy to me that I can keep up with the conversation and he kept saying how impressive I was……
We spoke about my ‘former’ life….(not the ex s) but what I did for a living and the experiences I had…..He paid attention to every word I said and brought it back up during different conversations…..obviously he was listening.
WOW…..new for me to have a man to converse with that actually listens to me and is interested.
At one point he said…..you seem to have some spunk in you…..I laughed inside and thought of all of you. I answered….”Oh, you have no idea”……he said…..I think I have a glimpse, but I am sure I have no idea.
He said that I was different…..by the statements I made…..I gave him things to think about.
He said he appreciated how honest and upfront I was in our conversations.
Funny…..this has been what i wrested with in my other dates…..just being me……I can be overpowering and ecentric…and my experiences freak men out……
They just can’t handle a strong woman……..
I think he might just be able to …….and like it!
He had said he treats the woman he is with like a princess…..I asked him what he meant by that….he said….I place them on a pedestal…….
I responded……doesn’t someone have to earn that pedestal….or you just put them right up there…..how does that work for you?
He is a man of wealth…..and it blows me away that someone would just throw someone up on a pedestal……
He said no woman has ever given him that to think about……
It was obvious I was not after his money….just company….good conversation…..and companionship.
Thanks, but I can make my own! He was intriqued by me…..It felt natural….
I respected him for what I knew about him at the time…..(ofcourse I did a recon search on him prior to meeting him and every inch of him checked out)
🙂
I loved not being nervous, studdering, fumbling bimbolistic like.
I felt like I was with an ‘equal’……how cool is that?
So date one…..lunch….fun, enjoyable, lot’s of chatter and I look forward to date 2……
Unlike the other ‘dancers’ I have been out with…..I feel confident he will call me as soon as he get’s home tonight….which is another plus…..I HATE THE DANCE….the rules…..
I may be wrong……but so far, I don’t think this man is interested in the dance…..he enjoyed me, and vs versa and I believe he will proceed without the rules, dance or games.
This should be a fun experience for us both!
XXOO
See, I hear this advice to NTransformation to tell the guy how she feels, and I ask myself, “Then why can’t I be honest with the boy, too?” I feel like I’m keeping everything inside, and it’s making me depressed. I hate that I set myself up like this. I’m pretty sure I will never do this again, but I don’t know how to recover from this one. It hurts so much that on the Friday I saw him, we could talk about anything. We talked about so many personal things. And now….nothing. Not so much as an email. It really hurts.
I know intellectually that guys are like this. But it’s still hard for me to understand how someone can be so close to someone and then just pull away like it never happened. I didn’t think about what would happen after the weekend. But I never imagined it like this.
As far as these older guys I go out with, they all want to know right away if I feel any chemistry for them. Translation: I’d like to have sex with you very soon. None of them are looking for a woman to be a friend. So I am really on a different page as them. Our agendas just don’t match up. I don’t even feel much friendship potential because I just don’t feel like I can really open up on the first few dates anyway. You see what happens when I open up–I scare them away. It’s a catch 22. So then I keep hearing that I need yet MORE time alone to heal. But really, these issues only come up in the context of getting close to someone.
I feel pretty discouraged. I am a Libra. For those into astrology, I was born to be in a relationship. And yet, I have spent a good part of the last 8 years alone, and it looks like it will be another 8 years.
EB, this sounds so great. Keep us posted, so I can live vicariously!
Erin,
Please don’t hate me, but I have to tell you about a tiny little red flag -or two. Princess? Pedestal?
He may be a great person… I am very paranoid you know. I think there are P’s everywhere.
I’m so glad you are happy and that you posted about your date. I feel like the whole LF gang is dating with you, but I feel like we’re getting too giddy too fast!