Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
Now I feel guilty and ashamed that it was my inner state that attracted the psychopath and totally my own fault that i got into so much trouble. Damn.
IDK, I think there are many many factors involved, and this is one explanation of many that helps some with an answer they are looking for. I definitely agree about the pain part though, I think I have primarily healed from my S#2, but am still working on healing from pain created in childhood and buried the rest of my life. So buried, not even sure I really can “feel” it enough to cry, and the cause of that pain still lives next door, (parent), not only do I need to learn how to heal, but also to guard and protect.
I think my HUGE problem was never developing personal boundaries. The “stench from the rotting inside” is an interesting thought, because if you are talking about an actual smell or (I know I know, not really, right), more like an “aura” or an atmosphere, my whole experience with S#2 started online. Not sure how you “smell” on the computer, if so, this guy was very good at it! Rather, I think I desperately wanted what he was offering. Whether he was actually looking for ME online and found me (we have a history from our teen years – met briefly a couple times), or was just trolling the net (FB) for “whoever” turned up, I’ll never know. So did I attract that? I’m not sure.
BUT, my belief in a God who orders the universe causes me to believe that these things do happen for a reason, and ultimately the reason is for my good…..my own sin plays a part, but the upheaval this situation has caused in my emotional life – causing me to dig deep for the reasons this happened, to bring about healing from a painful childhood, and the upheaval in my marriage, that has caused my husband to do what I see as a complete 180 to be the man that I need and desperately wanted, the man who no longer takes me for granted or looks at me as a household appliance, feels just shy of a miracle….
And, though my experience with S#1 8 years ago did NOT bring about that healing, did NOT change my life in any real way (once I caught on to it and ended it), it still played a part in the whole. If I never had that experience, I wouldn’t have gotten the red flag warnings that I gave myself with S#2, and I would have been MUCH more deeply involved, perhaps physically, and it would have lasted SO much longer than the mere 15 weeks it took, I am sure he would have devastated me emotionally and mentally.
Though I perhaps could say that I did “attract” S#1, because of my lack of boundaries and my “giving” nature, my self worth was all wrapped up in what I could give, and give, and give….and he was right there to take and take and take. He actually called me a “provider”, like it was a compliment! Like that was God’s purpose for my life. Provider for the needy. Sounds virtuous, doesn’t it?
Both false relationships were QUITE different from each other, in theory, well, I guess the “supply” for each guy was quite different, the first was interested in stuff, attention, and money (and mind control), the second was interested in sex (and mind control), though the second had to work double hard on the mask he presented as I was always comparing him to the first…, but this is an example of why it is VITAL that we do the healing work from the inside out, because I do NOT want to either “attract” or “accept” anything a potential S#3 might show up with. Whichever explanation might fit….
Still, any thoughts on how you dig out the pain you might not even know is buried inside you, when you don’t feel it or know “how” to feel it, or maybe are numb to it………I didn’t even know I was carrying around all this pain until S#2 cracked open the vault…..then OOOOHHHH, I was suddenly ANGRY with an anger I never felt before, towards my parents, towards my religious community and former church, towards my husband, I was ready to flee the country! How do I know if I haven’t closed the door on that vault too soon?
Just About Healed
Excellent, practical advice. Thank you.
Donna
I think a lot of the worrying over how we attracted the sociopath is fueled by some of the unresolved feelings. I found for myself that when I was able to clear out the majority of the negativity, it was easy to just look and see that he was not quite right in his approach toward me, and that I had many opportunities to walk away but didn’t take them. The realization came without judgment about myself.
Like Justabouthealed says, if you are very clear about your boundaries, it would be very difficult for a sociopath to sneak past them. I was obsessed for nearly a year with what made him a sociopath, what it was about me that attracted him, whether I could trust men again, whether I could trust myself with men again, etc. In retrospect, I can honestly say, I don’t even think much about that any more. I don’t feel so mistrustful of men like I did 6 months ago. I know the majority of men are not sociopaths. I look forward to meeting them with little reservation. But I will say that if a red flag gets set off, I will pay attention immediately!
I talked to some guy on the dating site a few weeks ago who was from the same army base the sociopath was from and in the same transitional unit waiting for a “medical discharge”, just as my sociopath was (what are the chances?) He also did not have money or a car to drive to my town. I was very polite with him and chatted superficially. Then my lunch was burning and I had to go. I wished him good luck, knowing I would never talk to him again. NEXT!
Dear JAH, I agree with Donna, your information is PRACTICAL.
Guys, this does NOT mean that we are “at fault” for the P-attack, it simply means that in ADULT relationships there is something about us—lack of boundaries or a childhood that makes “abuse normal” or WHATEVER, that makes us VULNERABLE to an attack by a P who holds out this lovely VISION (false vision) that makes us think that they are going to COMPLETE US.
I did not “attract” my P son, I gave birth to the rat, I did not “make him” what he is except I passed on some genetics, and his behavior is NOT my fault or responsibility, it is HIS. But, after my husband died, I was lonely and VULNERABLE, felt old, fat, ugly and lonely, and guess what, some P picked up the “scent” of that and homed in like a lion on the prowl because I was EASY prey. After the “romancing” for the first 3-4 months, any one else would have kicked his sorry butt to the curb THEN, but it took me another 4 months to do so. I’m just glad I wasn’t already married to him at the time I finally kicked away.
I’m just now, a couple of years AFTER that experience learning to set boundaries, appropriate and healthy boundaries. Those boundaries will PROTECT ME, because like JAH I have a “deal breaker” list for ANYone in my life, man, or woman and whatever the relationship. DISHONESTY is a deal breaker.
CutandRun, I can relate to your childhood issues, as I had them too, and didn’t even realize I had them until I started the healing process that uncovered them, uncovered the fact I had problems with boundaries my entire life. Now, I am learning. Better late than never.
Yep, me too, I didn’t know about P parents until the mask fell from my exP. This revealed my P brother in law and P sister, then it revealed the P -brother. My P parents came next, they are P-lite.
LOL!
I’m sensing another P BIL but he lives far away. My uncle is a vicious P as well. He tortured his wife with affairs under her nose and she died of cancer, a broken hearted woman.
My friend who moved to Canada, turned out to be a P, but that’s ok because we haven’t spoken in years.
I now realize that my deceased best friend from high school had been stalked by a P until she committed suicide.
I remember that her mother was weird, treated her like a slave and now I know: she’s a P.
My friend from grade school toldme that her father molested her, but I didn’t believe her. But I did know that he removed her bedroom door and wouldn’t let her close the bathroom door. I recently learned that P’s have a thing they do called “bathroom barging” they will not allow you privacy, not even in the bathroom. So now I know that her father was a P and that he DID molest her.
My other highschool friend was also molested by her P- step father but nobody believed her. Now she is a meth addict and prostitute. Had 4 children taken away by the state.
All of these things went on in my life and I watched all the classic P behavior in so many people, but had no clue that it was connected. Now I look back and know.
THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!
Wow this is a very interesting thread of comments. JAH, your advice was wonderful and I am sure it will help far more people than you’ll ever know.
Oxy said:
Guys, this does NOT mean that we are “at fault” for the P-attack, it simply means that in ADULT relationships there is something about us—lack of boundaries or a childhood that makes “abuse normal” or WHATEVER, that makes us VULNERABLE to an attack by a P who holds out this lovely VISION (false vision) that makes us think that they are going to COMPLETE US
Oxy, thank you for clarifying that bit about not being “at fault.” I know as well as I know my own name that my ex S was on a mission when he sought me out and found out my heart’s deepest desires and dangled them in front of me. I have never been pursued so intensely by anyone and I fell for it hard. He, like a typical S knows exactly how to “suss out” what he needs to know/do in order to get what he thinks wants/what will make him happy… until it doesn’t of course, but I digress…
That said, though I take full responsibility for the aspects of my personality, shaped by my brain chemistry, my father’s abandonment before I was two, and my borderline mother’s way of raising me that made me accepting of the S’s behaviors and made me think I could pin all my hopes/dreams on one person … and I learned the hard way that if it seems too good to be true that it likely is.
And, like Oxy, I had no idea of what issues I was harboring until the sociopath entered my life and turned it updside down. That is the reason,however, that I can’t say I wish we’d never crossed paths, though — I like the more healthy person I am NOW and I would not have done all that work and healed other wounds that were there long before the S or learned just how unhealthy my mother is, etc, had i not had the encounter with him. He was the catalyst for unraveling my life so that I could stitch it back together in a better way. I am truly better off because of him… or rather what I learned about and changed about myself as a result of his betrayal.
As for LOA, I personally can not wrap my head around the idea that we cause bad things to happen to us, such as getting cancer, being the victim of crime, having a sociopath come in to our lives, by the “vibe” we give to the universe. I will concede that when we are emotionally and physically exhausted, worn out, and, unhealthy we are more likely to experience illness and accidents, etc… the mind and the immune system are linked in ways that science as only begun to understand.
I think we “attract” all kinds of people but we are more *accepting* of some people based on our vulnerabilities, needs, wants, experiences, and most importantly neglecting to be in the moment and see things as they *really are*, ourselves included, and not the way we want people or things to be or how we think they “could, would, should be.” I know that being consciously in the moment is the most significant change I have made in my life…
As for attracting a partner after the sociopath, this is a sensitive subject for me – a conversation i’ve been having with my therapist for several months now. She thinks I *may* be avoiding dating and not sending out a positive vibe for attracting a partner – because by her assessment I am a statistical outlier in the dating department – as in against the good odds I have in my favor, it’s just not happening for me. short version of course.
I, on the other hand feel like I do not have opportunities to meet people given my workplace environment and role as a single mom. That’s why I loved Justabouthealed’s list and suggestions – and believe me I’d love to join a club, volunteer, etc. I just don’t have time at the expense of my kids right now. I have also found that most of the parents I encounter at the age my kids are now are married… I was just ahead of the pack, LOL, in getting divorced earlier rather than satying married (ie. in the dysfunction) for the kids’ “sake”. Trust me I see marriages unraveling all around me… once you get divorced other people’s marriages become more transparent, I guess….
Anyway, I also maintain that I am not avoiding anything and that if somebody caught my interest I woul send out the right vibe gol darnit! 🙂 When I allow myself to feel confident and attractive, it tends to feel like a sham since there isn’t any relationship outlet for that. I can dress up feel & great about myself – but that doesn’t mean I have an evening planned for dinner and a movie on saturday night with someone I love…
Instead the very few people I have met I excise at the first feeling of “you’re not working for me” cuz I have adopted Oxy’s belief of cut and run as needed. I also avoid people who act like they’re in a relationship with me too quickly because I think that if they’ve just met me they can’t know ME well enough to act like a couple that fast! Those are the people I think are just playing a role… I’d love to hear other opinions on this, folks… ???
I struggle with something else, too… so again I’d like to hear opinions…
I am perfectly ok with my life – I have healthy fantastic kids, an ok relationship with my ex now that he’s sober, a great job that I enjoy and allows me to be financially stable, I have an education of which I am proud, my physical appearance is good – not heather locklear of course and I still have those 5lbs that are left from the stress of the S this spring LOL, but I have my assets inthe looks department that make up for what I don’t have, I have some very good friends who I love and trust dearly, I am becoming the diva of boundary setting with my dysfunctional family, I am comfortable with myself an dmy beliefs, and enjoy my alone time as well as more social opportunities, though I’d like a social calendar with more on it… I am a social butterfly at heart… but overall things are going well in my world.
So what’s the problem? well, here goes – I miss being part of a couple and I want companionship, a sex life, a partner to come home to at the end of the day, someone to share the joys in my life. I admit that I am lonely/longing for all those things. That said though, I have a hard time saying/believing that being lonely equates to being emotionally unhealthy… or believing that in wanting a relationship I must still be in a place where I am not ready for one,yada yada. Why is it that wanting a partnership seems to be viewed synonymously with needing someone to complete my life… but at the same time it does feel like I do need a partner to complete my already good life… like I need/want a partner to be the cherry on the ice cream sundae that is my life… Is there a difference in being lonely and feeling lonely perhaps?
I need some help with this, my friends, because the contradictions are not working for me…. thoughts??
Hecate’s Path
HP – You are beautiful butterfly just emerging from your cocoon. It takes 17 years for some cocoons to open up and let the butterfly spreads it’s wing and fly. The bad man in your life was a catylist for change, you are still forming the brilliant wonderful better, wiser person. You must learn patience..your desires for companionship are normal. You must be patient though…
Hecates, Don’t forget that when you share your life with someone, you are also going to make room for their life to share with you. So if your life is really full and you want someone who has a full life too, it’s gonna get crowded.
You know, we never get what we think we want, we always get the surprise gift instead.
At least that has been my experience.
I think, that when I’m ready, I will just date lots of people like I did before I met my ex. that will get me warmed up for the right person.
Another thing about people in general is that they always want what others have. This is definitely true about P’s but I think it applies to all of us to some extent. If you get out there and date, you will look more appealing to other guys.
I know, it’s a P trick, but it seems to work and as long as you don’t lose your empathy for human beings, it seems ok to try to get your foot in the door that way.
Of course we still have to watch out for P’s in all of our endeavors! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!
I have a question that I hope the answers from everyone will help us to identify P’s.
What do they like to watch on TV and what kind of music do they listen to?
My xP seemed very proud to tell me he only watched science and nature shows, like on the discovery channel and PBS. Never wanted to watch comedies or sitcoms, although he seemed to like Seinfeld and SouthPark once I got him started on it.
As for music, he was a musician (but only for the attention) but he always preferred music that showed his intellectual appreciation of the lead guitarist’s skills. (he played lead guitar)
I know a guy that is sort of interested in me but he told me he only watches science and nature programs and will only listen to blues. Now I think it’s a red flag. what does everyone else think?