Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
Thank you, kim. After the last date with “the boy” my gut told me not to talk to him. This went on for 2 years. There was a reason for this, and that same reason still applies. I will NOT send! There would be no point in it.
Hugs,
Star
Wow Stargazer, that’s a break through in your consciousness! You have felt something new and now you want it.
Possibly it could not have happened without the crisis brought on by the young stud. Amazing how God moves us along to a new place when we are ready. The crisis was “growing pains”, letting go of your old ideals so you could have new ones.
In the book, “The Art of Selfishness” it says that you have to create a crisis sometimes so you can move forward. That crisis is equal to facing reality and allowing reality to rule. Reality always wins in the end, the longer we put it off, the more painful our metamorphis will be and the bigger the price we pay in terms of time and losses.
It’s possible that we sometimes create a crisis subconciously. Maybe you knew that this boy was a danger to your psyche and that’s why you invited him over. LF was here for you, so it was sort of safe, you knew we would catch you if you tripped.
Reality and truth is what the narcissist hates the most. They are all lies and veneer.
Skylar, I so agree with everything you just said. Also, this site has been better (and more cost effective) for me than any therapist.
You know, I realized last night that I was also taking on some of the boy’s judgments about how I need a 12 step program (just because he’s in one). I was seeing myself through his eyes, and it wasn’t pretty, because he does not see me for who I am. I think he only saw me as someone needy and someone to run from. Truly his loss!
Stargazer,
that is the most true thing of all. HIS LOSS. He can’t see the awesomeness of you, that just shows how dumb he is. And we don’t need stupid in our lives, that’s for sure.
Skylar & Kim –
Thanks for your response to my comment from yesterday, and for your support.
I don’t think it took this joker very long to start clinging to me. I believe it’s always been there, but I didn’t notice it the first few weeks due to the fact that i was in pain from the X-P…he appeared to be helpful! what he has turned out to be is just another S or P. Reeling me in. He disgusts me even more than the P, because this one knew exactly what i was dealing with and really took advantage. EeeehhWWWWW.
I’m thankful that I woke up a whole lot sooner. Just gives me the creeps thinking he was in my house. What else don’t i know?
Tonite, this joker left a very bizarre message. Mumbled some words. I called him back. He said oh it was nothing, he didn’t want to talk, and he would call me tomorrow. Why the hxll did he call? Attention.?!?
THAT IS IT. The game is over. NC. Sick MF.
I need to stay home..or stay away from men. I don’t have any interest at all. My girlfriends are trying to screw anything they can, and I’m running away from any man that looks my way.
Does this shit ever end??? Do i have a bullseye on my chest/back?????????? The only saving grace is i’m seeing it a whole lot sooner AND saying no more. This is not acceptable.
Candy, ther is absolutely nothing wrong with taking some time off. Get to know yourself, what makes you tick. Learn to identify these creeps,(it looks like you’re doing a pretty good job, already.) All this will assure you of having a happier, healthier, relationship in the future.
Candy, this guy sounds creepy. I hope he doesn’t stalk you after you go NC. You may want to phase him out by just having some excuses or telling him you need some time alone before going complete NC.
Hi Candy, I agree w/Stargazer about him getting worse w/NC, that’s why I said to bore him away. Get HIM to lose interest in YOU. They really can’t stand boring.
My problem with my xP is that he has my house in his targets, and money is never boring. Also, he has invested 25 years into fantasizing about how he would destroy me, so it will be difficult to get him to go away without actually dying. Even if I died he’d probably dig up my body and desecrate my grave. YES, he IS that sick.
So the sooner you bore him away the better.
I’ve been wondering why we attract them too. I think that they can spot a good and nieve person. I think its because our facial expressions are obviously unguarded. In other words, we don’t put on phony smiles or pouts or frowns.
I got this idea because I’ve been shooting videos recently and I did a video of a wedding. The bride is a young woman, the daughter of an old friend. I was watching her face on the video and had to watch some parts over and over as I did the editing. The bride gives off an overwhelming feeling of goodness and sweetness but her groom seemed like a P. So I watched and studied WHY they seemed this way, running the video over again and I determined that it’s because she is as unguarded in her facial expressions as a child.
Every expression was absolutely genuine, there was nothing false at any moment in the video. Because of my P radar, I realized that this woman is a sitting duck for a P and she doesn’t even know it. I can only wish her luck, but I think it’s too late…
Skylar,
Your xP sounds like a real winner from the planet ToHellAndBack. My xP was not nasty like this. He just lied and played a bunch of games until I dumped his a$$. When he was gone, he was pretty much gone. There was a little stalking at a reptile show , and a nightmare here and there, but for the most part, he was pretty much gone. Hallelujah! The discard was really complete. It was as if I didn’t exist any more, once I figured out his game. I never thought I’d say this, but it’s a good thing I don’t have any money. Therefore, no P’s are hovering around trying to take it.