Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
Yes, Candy, especially if there’s a chance he will move into your neighborhood and become one of your neighbors (which you have no control over) better phase him out slowly with some excuse. “I’ve had a lot on my mind and need some time alone.” “I’ve been tired lately and don’t feel very social.” Sorry, I can’t hang out with you tonight….I have a pounding migraine.” You get the idea.
Stargazer,
It’s not just the money. The money is the reason why he hung out so long -25 years. Now it’s the principal of the thing. He is pissed because I’m still alive AND I caused him many narcissist injuries. His ego can’t take the failure of his omnipotent self having failed to drive me to suicide. Now he must prove himself.
Before I left I kept noticing that my sleeping pills were disappearing – just a few at a time. He was telling everyone he knew that I was a pill popping, alcoholic and that I was going to overdose. Now I know that he was going to spike my wine with the stolen pills once he had stashed enough of them. Then he could be the grieving bf.
I know the stuff I’m telling you makes him seem like he is really crafty, but he isn’t. If you also keep in mind that these plans are the result of 25 YEARS of plotting, non-stop (since he never works, there’s nothing else for him to think about), that puts him in the “special needs” IQ range. It didn’t take me 25 years to figure out what he was thinking, it only took one book. The book that explained that evil existed on earth. It’s the piece of the puzzle that I was missing.
When I look back on his obsession with satanic possession, exorcism, UFO’s, neanderthal DNA, nostradomaus, crop circles, edgar cayce etc… and then the bizarre looks and reactions when I suggested that his snoring sounded like possession and when I joked about him being a pedophile AND HE FREAKED OUT. When he said he was a vampire, when he told me that my trojan P’s BIL’s problem was ENVY and that I lacked EMPATHY. I’m getting a picture of a person who understands that he is DIFFERENT, but doesn’t really know how. I’m pretty sure he has embraced the idea that Satan is his mentor.
Stargazer, Skylar and Kim
i don’t think the P will move into the neighborhood, for he doesn’t have any money, and he’s expecting me to do the research on the foreclosed house because he doesn’t have a computer!
do i need to tell him there is a library in town? yes, i’m a bitch! it’s about time!!!
i’m so tired of playing mamma to any man.
for some reason, my X-P is on my mind a bit. he seems to have resurfaced in my thoughts. all the deviant things he said and did. i’m not sure why…….this too scares me as i’m sending this out to the universe. yes, i’m trying to stop the thoughts.
i realize i have a lot of healing to do. it’s only been three months with NC.
what’s really tough is that my friends/acquiantances no longer serve me. actually, i realize that most of them are not friends, they were just there when i was partying. Not that i was a big partier, but now that i have only a glass or two of wine AND i’ve stepped back and am viewing everything differently. i don’t like what i see. i’m also LISTENING a lot more, not just plowing ahead hoping for the best.
this whole process is like a spiritual cleansing of sorts…as here i am at 50 yo and i’m starting all over. it’s exciting but also very scarey. i was brought-up to trust and believe people are good. now i’ve learned boundaries and…..
i’m also coming to terms with why i have never married. most of the men in my life have been narcisstic or S or Ps! Sad, but true. I ended each of the relationships, most of them after i had been in them far too long. Fortunately, i have always maintained my own home, am handy around the house, and have been financial secure. thank God. These guys have come and gone, but the devastation is far reaching.
this last P was a professional in his field. he did me in. Just how bad does it have to get? I think I get it now! (i was a victim of child abuse – my mother started it all…and i continued)
i’m sad and grieve for what never was.
(((hugs))) to everyone
Morning, Candy, I’m fifty, too. All my relationships have been with this kind, too. I’ve been giving myself a time out for the last two years. I’t’s been a very peacefull time and very good for me. Yes, I feel the sadness, too. So much wasted time and energy! Shudder. At least I’m not mired in
all that unhappiness, today. You do have a lot to be grateful, for. Try not to be too sad. Do something nice for yourself, today.
Candy,
Your post made me think of of my snakes and how they shed their old skin every so often to reveal the beautiful new skin underneath. Sounds like you are shedding your old skin and about to reveal a beautiful new skin underneath. This is actually a good thing! You don’t need to worry because once you’ve gotten the needy, using people out of your life and realized why you invited them in in the first place, you can make room for some genuine friends.
I just said no to a needy friend this week, too. I’ve already done a lot to help her out, but I had to guard my own energy. I started seeing a pattern that she takes more than she gives. While I don’t keep score per se, once I see the pattern, I’m done. Though there are times when people need to lean on you and vice versa, friendships, IMO, should be reciprocal.
Skylar,
Your ex is the stuff that Stephen King novels are made of! The one that comes to mind is “Rose Madder” which I mention in another thread. I’m so glad you have survived and didn’t give him what he wants. Do you feel afraid of him?
Though I have never had this experience with a man I’ve dated, my parents were so narcissistic and life-denying that I believe they didn’t want my sister or me to be happy or prosper. In spite of the constant feelings of enslavement and abuse by them, I managed to do some very cool things in my early adult life that they had never done. For instance, I spent a year studying and traveling in Europe. Their response was jealousy, guilt, and focusing attention back on themselves. Trying to live a happier life than my parents has been like breaking out of a mold they set for me, and it’s not easy. One of the reasons I have managed to avoid suicide over the years is that I know that’s what my parents would have wanted.
Candy,
yes this crisis of finding out that P’s exist does precipitate something that feels very cleansing and very spiritual. It is the most profound thing I have ever experienced. It’s like having been looking at everything in 2D all my life and now it is 3D. I now “get” so many things that perplexed me, about my xP, my parents, my family and the people you read about in the paper everyday.
Stargazer,
the snake analogy is a good one. The snake sheds the old skin so that it can grow and it always looks better once it does. It’s not that the old skin wasn’t just as nice, when it was new, it’s just that now it’s the wrong size, a bit rigid and sort of dull from wear and tear. In order to grow it gets rid of that skin to find that it already had a nice new one to take its place. The P’s never get rid of the old skin. They wear it to death. The skin of infantile manipulation and envy as a survival mechanism looks good on an infant. But these P’s can’t get past it. That skin, which no longer fits, is crippling them as they try to fit into it. They contort and twist themselves. they must ache all the time trying to squeeze into that horrible little diaper and tee-shirt outfit, which is now so ragged and dull that it makes them look ridiculous. Yet, they are afraid to take it off and let the new skin shine through. How glad I am that I’m not a P.
Stargazer,
Hmm. I didn’t see your post regarding Steven King, until just now.
anyway, yes, I’m afraid of him. I’ve never known anyone so set on being evil.
He used to play in rock and roll bands and they were always trying to get signed with a label. One day, right about the time I met him, his band was approached to sign. The day of the meeting, he didn’t show up. The other two guys never understood how he could have ruined the opportunity of a lifetime to be rich and famous.
I know why. It’s the famous part he didn’t want. He wants to lurk in the shadows and not be recognized. He wants to torture women and then slither back into anonymity. He has often told me he doesn’t want to accidentally get on the news or in any media where some of his “drug customers” will recognize him. But the truth is much darker than that.
The only way I can think of to solve this problem is to use his own illusions of grandeur against him. It will be tricky, but his brain got him into this, his brain will have to walk him out of it – if at all possible.
Stargazer….Same with my mom. She actually tried to ruin every special moment of my life, like my wedding. When I succeeded, she was never proud. If my sister and I became too close, she got jealous. One of the last things she said to me before she died was “brave girl” which was one of the few times she ever gave me any sort of praise.
But somewhere along the half decade+ of our time together, I stopped telling her about my life, and things went much better then. You just can’t be real with some people, even if they are your parents.
Candy….but you are amazing. Look how many times you’ve been targeted, and while I know the pain has been overwhelming, you did manage to protect yourself and not get sucked into marriage, or losing your house, etc. You are stronger than you know. Keep it up!