Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
Skylar – He watched sports and “Lost” both bored me too tears — I preferred PBS and Nature and science shows – he liked stevie nicks and abba – I like country and jazz – ho hum- I think your red flag detector needs some adjustment
I have something I want to share and would also like your thoughts and opinions – especially if you still happen to be with your P.
There are some homeopathic stress relief tablets that they sell at the check out stands in the natural food stores (PCC in Seattle). I bought some, because I have found some homeopathic formulas very effective. I know that I cannot get my P to take anything I give him for stress relief, but I also know that
1. he loves sugar
2. if I’m eating it he wants to take it away.
so, I put it in my car and we were driving down the road and he was in his usual fowl mood.
I opened the box of “mints” and ate one, then another and another. He noticed and started grabbing them. ate about 5 or 6. Suddenly, he says, “what are those?” I said, “why?”
He says, “they made me feel different”
I said, “they are homeopathic stress pills, that means they’re just sugar with a placebo effect”.
He asks, “what do they do?”
I said, “they reduce feelings of stress, why are they working?”
He said, “yes, I don’t like it. I didn’t want my stress reduced.”
LOL!!
My xp is an idiot. no matter how much of a genious he thought he was. They all are idiots.
I never had to slip anything into his food or drink because I could ENVY him into taking it right out of my hands and shoving it down his throat! This is not the first time I had done this. It’s like taking candy from a baby.
I wonder what would happen if they take ecstasy? It’s supposed to make you feel love and connection to all human beings!! Hmm…..
Henry, you are right because my xp hates sports and lost. LOL.
Ok, I’m still wanting to hear some more input from you all.
skylar you need to chill – your comparing apples to oranges – one time a blogger here said ” I knew he was a Physcopath when he put a sock on a puppys head” well I have done that when playing with my doxy’s they seemed to love it but some consider that physco – I just stick with the basic traits of physcopath – they come in all flavors, sizes and all have likes and dislikes –
Skylar – Your analyzing everything too much. One thing I know for sure is I will never understand how they think or why. If they exploit you they are bad. At first my X loved everything about me, my home, my hobbies, my music, that is how they win us, by acting like parrot’s, you say the sky is green and they agree..But eventually they hate everything about us, everything we do or stand for, and try to tear us down so they can be in control. In reality my X and I had nothing in common, he just lied to get a roof over his head. I would hate to live like that. I understasnd why your asking questions though, I did the same thing.
reallly? this is a grieving stage I’m going thru, Henry?
I just thought I was doing this because it’s how I deal with everything. I immerse myself, try to understand and create all the necessary connection in my brain. Then I can let it go on autopilot and not have to be so vigilent.
But it’s only been since May, so maybe you’re right and it’s only a stage of grieving.
I like putting socks on my cats heads, sometimes on their butts instead. LOL.
Have you seen those stop smoking commercials on TV where they say if you can learn how to drive without a ciggerate you can do anything? Or if you can learn how to drink coffee without a cig you can do anything? I had to learn how to live without a sociopath – it takes some doing…addictions are powerful
“circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states”, crikey I must have one helluva ugly internal state. My insides must have been born ugly the day i came out of the womb, “born bad”, coz my psychopath parents were just waitin to torture me, never wanted me to begin with and like the psychopath Sondra Ray told me when I did my tenth expensive weekend with her “it all my fault”.
henry,
So what did you think about Kevins perfomance yesterday?
He chose a very hard song to sing…..I love that song, I suppose most women would.
I think the judges love him and you can’t help but admire his humbleness.
Who will America vote for? It likely depends on who WILL take the time to vote the most…Twenty somethings? Thirty somethings? Or us 50 somethings?
I can’t help but like Grandma…she is a hoot!
Skylar
We Obcess over the P then we do the same in their discovery and Our rediscovery of our selves! It’s OK