Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
Yeah, I don’t think he and I would have any business hanging out together. Good thing he lives in SF. I think what happened with us was almost destined, and we learned what we were supposed to learn. I have no bad feelings toward him, and wouldn’t rule out a friendly conversation in the distant future, if it should ever happen.
Stargazer, thankyou so much for your post:)xxx Really well said:)
I think this is a bit more tricky than other ex’s I have remained friends with because I always loved him, I think when I met him I thought this is it, and that feeling that I had found someone to quietly and happily spend time with has never gone away….because I knew how I felt, I wanted to marry him, I wanted us to move in together, I wanted to KEEP him (I already had him is the real duh moment for me, and notice all the “I’s”) and he wasnt ready, so we became friends… he has ALWAYS known that I still love him and he loves me too so he has continued to do as much as possible with me and for me.
It was not enough for me, it never was.HE is, but just dating untill we were on zimmers wasnt. So I guess that’s where my extra AAARGH! comes from.
I bet I REALLY hurt him with the P.(the P promised marriage, babies, building a home ect.) That’s where the anger at myself came from.
BUT ultimately you are right, THAT WAS THEN AND THIS IS NOW, and I have to grieve for something and move on. That’s what i was tantruming against facing.
But its good I think to realise the way in which you’ve behaved, and that it was wrong, this has taught me something, or reminded me again about something, about appreciating the moments you have with people and accepting them for what they are and letting them ‘happen’:)
Another great thing I have learnt (from Erin x) is that time moves on without you… while I have been mired in all the s/p fall out , time for him has moved on.
It has also made me realise that I know what qualities are important in a person. So if nothing else, most of this man’s qualities stand as a good role model for future relationships (the man not the relationship)
I have to accept it and get the best out of it. Just changing gear into that process is the begining.
LESSONS,LESSONS,LESSONS!
enough said about this methinks, just need to get on with it:)
Great advice you guys, I LOVE this place, and I LOVE you lot!:)xx
Stargazer,what you wrote about ‘smelling’ rejection and having a reaction of pushing someone away is definitely a part of how I behaved too.
Although its uncomfortable It’s good to recoginse these things about yourself and decide if they’re behaviours you want to ‘keep’ or jettison.
and skylar I think you are right, it is about putting your ego aside and being honest with yourself and working towards a more grounded, authentic self.
xxxxx
Thanks, Erin, and stargazer! My situation was a bit like true Lilys. I was beaten unconscious by my ex husband, and he convinced my girls that he had “caught his watch strap on my head” or some such lies. They believed him, even whem I came home,{reluctantly } 3 weeks later, still with a huge purple and yellow bruise the size of a large egg on my right temple. The day I came home,{ exept it didnt feel like a home any longer!} he said to my girls,”We’ll just have to knock Mum back into line, wont we, girls?” So, they used to belittle me, sneer at me, patronise me, like he did ,and becuase i was so mentally and physically beaten down., I couldnt retaliate.It took me another 2 years to summon up the guts, courage, a small amount of cash, and just leave.I rented a tiny flat,{condo}, and I gave the landlady a facial once a week,in exchnge, she lowered the rent. I went on the “Dole” for the first time in my life. My ex used to ray to the girls, “Well starve Mum out, shell come home when shes hungry!” I vowed never to go back to that house. It was sold from under him anyway 3 months after I left, he was 4 months in arrears with the mortgage, so all I got when it was sold was A$1000. That was my worth, after 19 years of marriage to a gambling alcoholic.Six months later, I met my darling David thru my landladies sister, Trisha. he was her next door neighbor, and she had us both over to her place for a match making dinner party. We clicked! That was it! We celebrated our silver wedding anniversary this July,{25 years,} in Cape Town. We are very happy. David has been very good to my girls, but has had largely, shit for thanks. He now cant stand either of them, and has no wish to see either of them ever again, as he has seen how they torment and upset me.{Or rather, how I have allowed them, foolishly to false guilt me into over giving to them, trying to make up to them for me leaving their dad who nearly killed me,LOL! }Before I met David I had no-one on my sde, so I cant imagine how hard its been for poor Lily, being gaslighted for 7 years by her heartless P kids. Mine are also heartless Ps.Im so GLAD I summoned up the courage to get the hell out ,in 1982, I knew I had to save my own life, as my ex wouldnt go!Now Im having to summon up the same courage to go permanent NC with both my heartless P daughters. I still have a vestige of love for them, and yes, I do worry about them, especially the older one, as C is living with a very rich Jewish boy, and his Mother pays for everything. She has turnd into a hard, bossy, shallow, gold digging little snob, but at least shell never have to worry about money.God knows what will happen to Deb, she is on a downward spiral, but shes on her own now, I wont featherbed her any more! Thanks guys, for all your invaluable input, its not easy but if you can all do it, so can I !!
Love and Hugs, gem.XXX
Creepy man called two nites ago at 10 pm. I told him he woke me up…he started telling me about his birthday plans. I cut him off, saying that I’m busy, and not feeling very social. I hope he will fade away or fall into the black hole.
A friend of the X-P and mine called to get my email address today. she said that i sounded good. i told her i was doing great. much better now that the relationship is over. apparently the X-P took a girl on a ride with the group. Our female friend referred to this female as a a ‘bar whOr3.’ oh yeah, right up the X-Ps alley.
i know, i know…i would expect anything different from him. He’s got to have every woman with two legs. He dah man!
i must admit i am a little jealous. i haven’t found anyone that even makes it past the first few dates, let alone introduce to friends.
yes, i am aware that i am not ready for anything now. i’ve only done the on-line dating thing (very reluctantly), and that has turned me off. if i’m out boating, and someone tries to pick me up, i’m turned off. most of the time they have been drinking…i don’t drink much, just a few anymore. that’s where i met the last two X-Ps. I really see thru the bullshit. Having sex, just to have sex, doesn’t interest me. the X-P left me with disease. I can buy toys and feel pleasure, and it is soooooo much safer.
i hope I can experience real love, and trust, some day…i’ve always been a very sexual creature, too.
I’m definitely starting over…I believe I’m going down the right road. The bridge behind me has collapsed. There is no turning back.
No more Ps!
hi Candy,
of course he can find a new woman, he has no standards.
It’s harder for us because we care if the guys we date are actually human.
You are going down the right road, no question about that. God gave you this path and he brought you to LF so that we could go down this road together, learning from each other.
Thanks for being here for us.
Candy,
Don’t compare yourself to him. He has not found a real relationship, only a new source of supply. They always need to have someone to play, so you can expect him always to have someone. Like skylar says, different standards. I definitely can relate to what you say. I, too, hope to experience real love and trust some day.
PS…this female friend is merely trying to promote her Tupperware biz…needs to supplement the family’s income. i don’t expect to be contacting her. i’ve got enough plastic shxt.
i guess you can tell, i’m feeling anger resurfacing lately.
Geminigirl,
The more I hear about your story, the more I’m convinced you absolutely did the right thing to protect yourself. It’s sad to go through life without your family in it. I’m sure you will always miss them and wonder about them. But if they are as cruel as you say, there’s no way you should subject yourself to that. There is always the hope that your absence in their lives will jar them into some sort of revelation. But not if they are P’s on already too far along the path. You are so fortunate to have found a wonderful man. After everything you’ve been through, he must be such a comfort in your life. I’m envious and hope some day I can meet someone too. Thanks for sharing your story with us.
oh, Skylar & Stargazer,
thank you so much for this reminder. i have printed your responses out…i will keep them close by so to refer to them as needed.
LF has truly been one of the best gifts i have received in a long time!
just want to share…
i’m reading the Gift of Betrayal. a good book. i will be interested to read her other books, too.
also, i’m working with an acupuncturist and have begun practicing Qi Gong. these have been most beneficial in riding the X-P, as well as dealing with my many years of abuse, anxiety, anger, and stress. if you go for both, or either, of these routes, please check for credentials of practitioners. Both of mine are awesome. Another blessing!
(((HUGS)))