Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
Hecates Path,
It is certainly fine to want a relationship. The problems begin when we have desperation attached to our wanting.
In my case, I was pining away for a relationship for 20 years. I continued to lament my singleness, focus on the fact that I was alone, and ask myself, “What is wrong with me?”
What I was focused on was “no relationship.” So, according to the law of attraction, I got more “no relationship.”
The idea is to want a relationship with an expectation of good in your heart. If you are fine and happy while you’re alone, but a relationship would make you even more happy, this is a good attitude. Then, it’s just a matter of time – someone wonderful will show up.
Hey, guys, last night was it!!!! Granny is my HERO!!!! The only thing she needs is a big hat with feathers, an iron skillet and a big jack ass to ride and she would be PERFECT!!!! LOL
Tilly, your P parents didn’t make you BAD they made you VULNERABLE to other Ps, because they did not do their duty as parents and give you love, they left you HUNGRY for love, and willing to accept “fake” love (for a while) until you found out it was just like their “love” FAKE along with a big serving of abuse.
I agree with the people who say we “attract” some things by having a negative attitude, but I don’t agree with everything they say–for example, I don’t think that we can just “think positive” and in 30 days we will be rich and beautiful (I know that is a simplistic example of a more complex belief system, but you get the idea I am trying to convey with a bit of exaggeration, I think)
But, at the same time, I think if we are depressed and down cast, grieving and hostile, we are not likely to attract someone who’s a healthy partner. They just wont’ find us interesting. Who WILL find us “interesting” is a psychopath, because they know in our pain and stress we are VULNERABLE to their lies.
Like on that old TV show from “100 years ago” MISSION IMPOSSIBLE, “here’s your job if you choose to accept it” TO HEAL OURSELVES. To get the psychopath out of our lives and heal ourselves to where we are HEALTHY—at that jpoint, we will either be satisfied and at peace alone, OR we very well may attract a healthy partner. Either case is OK with us, because we do not NEED someone else in our lives to make who WHOLE. We are WHOLE all by ourselves.
Donna
I liked your article, but for me I don’t know if I ever will or want to attract another relationship in my life. The relationship with this sociopath left so many deep wounds not only physical (I was diagnosed this year with cancer in my stomach that resulted from a chronic ulcer caused by stress of many years), but also emotionaly I’m so sick and I’m only 47. I think I need at least a couple of long years until I can trust another man, if I will trust them again.
Hi. I need some help. I asked a question a few posts back, and I think I have just answered it myself, but any feedback would be welcome.
I am sitting at work and crying. I should explain that for the most part, I work alone. I manage the office of a commercial electrical contractor, a small family business, the office is in the owner’s home (though it is a real office). The guys are all out in the field and rarely come here, my boss is in his mid-60’s and also re-building a vacation home an hour away, and he would rather not be bothered with anything but the bare details. The business is meant to be handed down to his nephew, current foreman and VP (who I also suspect is a N). That leaves me here steering the ship, me and the computer and phone.
We are having cash flow problems because Captain Fantastic (said nephew) only does his paper work at his convenience, which is sporadic at best. My boss has left for the week on vacation. He had just come into the office to tell me how to come up with the money for this weeks payroll, and told me to withold his check. He asked me how much that was, and when I told him, he questioned me on a raise I supposedly was to give him at the beginning of the year. He was quite upset when I nervously flipped through all my payroll books back to January and into 08 to find that I had no notes regarding that and made no changes. He did not blame me or say anything about it, just left, poof.
So I am left shaking in my boots, and I know it’s not rational, but just realized that due to the abuse I experienced as a child, I am left feeling guilty, and afraid of any abuse that might be coming, loss of my job, and/or humiliation. I have been here over 4 years and that has never happened. In fact, my boss is quite direct, but soft underneath. One electrician had a drinking problem, and lost the company van for 3 days, and didn’t get fired.
But I am afraid of the reaction that I WOULD HAVE gotten from my dad. It is so ingrained in me – and it’s only been my experience this year with S#2 that has picked off this giant scab and helped me to see it.
I would like very much to know how to stop FEELING like a victim….Since I am alone here I felt free to have a good crying spell – but do I have to have triggers like this to get it out, am I dealing with residual pain or just the pain from this incident?
I am also realizing more and more that my dad might actually be a S or N. Also this week, my 18 yr. old son lost a friend in a car accident. He had just started college several states away, and came home for the funeral. My dad did not think he should have disrupted his studies to do this, and made several comments that showed he really didn’t understand anything about this loss. Which also hit me hard even though I didn’t know the friend or the family that well, I almost think I felt TOO MUCH empathy for the family, or maybe it was survivor guilt..
Sometimes I think I should get another job, but there are too many things about this one that are too good, I accept the fact that I am alone most of the time, and also bored. But the pay is great, much more than I’d get someplace else, it is only 10 min. from my home, and so far these have been the nicest people I’ve ever worked for in my life. Except for Captain Fantastic at times, but he keeps his distance.
I know my boss probably feels pretty stupid right now too, I mean, does he NEVER check his pay stub? How could he NOT know he hadn’t gotten a major raise he supposedly asked for?
witsend – I was dissapointed in the song Kevin picked to sing last nite.. I still like him and he get’s my vote, my second choice would be Barbara the opera singer…Oxy grandma Lee is a hoot…she reminds me of you. 🙂
Henry,
I’m not sure if you know the details of my situation. I don’t have the luxury of just going NC. For now, I get a respite because he has a trojan horse BIL which he thinks I am unaware of. This makes him feel like he will still win. My P is not done with me and he never will be.
You know how vengeful they are when you leave them, well I left mine 3 times before 1991 each time upped the ante. That is when he began to plot how I would never leave him again. Convinced me to buy a house in the woods on an island, convinced the cops on his side, my BIL- the homeland security cop is a trojan horse. He has more plans up his sleeve, of that you can be sure.
Everything he does will be covert: poison, slander, sabotage.
So my “mission” should I choose to accept it, is multi-layered.
I have to re-assess my life, understand how I came to this point and rebuild myself, At the same time I have to find a source of income that he can’t sabotage and I have to be ready when the assault begins again.
Fixing my emotions was the first step because they sabatoge everything else. Since my 2 day cry I have not even missed him or any of our history – I’m feeling better. Really my cry was for him. I’m very sad that he is what he is. I’m really sad that a person of his potential could not have used it in the service of God. But I’m trying to accept that God has a plan and a reason. I don’t think that God has abandoned him, so that faith makes me feel better.
Henry,
I don’t think the song is really his “style”. The song is a passionate song and he sings very passionately….But country is what he does best!
I think the contenders are really trying to push themselves and think outside of the box….The judges seem to give them that advice sometimes as well. But they can sometimes loose their “magic” trying to be something they are not.
OxDrover, you wrote..
“But, at the same time, I think if we are depressed and down cast, grieving and hostile, we are not likely to attract someone who’s a healthy partner. They just wont’ find us interesting. Who WILL find us “interesting” is a psychopath, because they know in our pain and stress we are VULNERABLE to their lies.”
I have to question that statement. True, when we are in the beaten down state we will not attract a healthy partner and we are more vulnerable to the “Bad People”.
BUT, and I emphasize BUT, when we have picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off and are back to our own beautiful selves we seem to be an EVEN MORE attractive trophy for these “Bad People”.
Sure, when we are in a beaten down state, we are easy prey for a quick notch on their belt. But the real PRIZE is a complete human that they can crush.
Laying blame on the victim is wrong. Just because we are vulnerable does not mean we deserve nor ask to be misused.
As I see it, the only blame we deserve is for giving people the benefit of the doubt when we should look more closely when they do something that sets off our inner alarms.
cutandrun:
It sounds like you have a good job for the most part; good pay and conveniently located.
It sounds like the nephew is the problem. Of course he knows what his pay is; I believe he was just trying to manipulate you while the owner is gone.
You may be suffering from PTSD as a result of the relationship with your father, you may be correct in your assessment that he is a S or a N.
Good luck to you!
Dear Flyspeck,
If you got the impression I was “blaming the victim” then you have the wrong idea about my post, and I am sorry I did not explain it better. I DO NOT BLAME THE VICTIM for being vulnerable. It is only that they (psychopaths) find us in an injured state “easy prey”—I also agree with you, they also like to “trophy hunt” as well and to take a healthy victim, who is successful and doing well, and con them, and take them down as well, just like a “big game hunter” wants the “biggest rack or set of horns” on the antelope or deer they hunt.
QUOTE: “As I see it, the only blame we deserve is for giving people the benefit of the doubt when we should look more closely when they do something that sets off our inner alarms. ”
I agree with you entirely here, but it is WHEN we are injured or down that we are MORE LIKELY to NOT “look closely” at the person who is trying to ‘charm” us into being a victim.
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