Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
conomo
Dear Gem. its late…but here I am….I am relating to that pain you feel….F it hurts .I too am so thankful for a place (LF) to talk–we are at different stages…but we understand the mind f*k.
Good thing is, we haave a heart. I hope we never completely shut that down. I’ve be tempted many times, but we cant let them win!
Thaat’s why why are SURVIVORS!! prayers love and big (((hug)))
geminigirl
Dearest Conomo, Thank you-its so good we can share our joys and our sorrows!i too am so grateful to havea place where we are understood, believed,supported, and vindicated.Yes, we ARE survivors! Prayers and love to you too, sweet heart. Love, Gem.XX
witsend
Momma Gem,
There are so many things that can trigger our emotions. We have to try and be aware of those that we can control, because there are so many more that we have no control of.
I am trying to process some of this stuff. what triggers that I “walk” right into, vs those that I have no control over.
All we can do is put one step forward and continue on the journey.
xxxxxx
mommom
I dont know why anyone would want to go from the frying pan to the fire. For me thinking about a different relationship is simply out of the question. Im not healed,It wouldnt be fair to bring all my baggage into a new relationship. I dont see myself as ever remarrying or having anything more than a casual friend
Ox Drover
Dear Mommom,
Sometimes people seem to think (I think) that a new relationship with someone else will ease the pain of the loss of the other one. I got involved with a psychopath BF about 8 months after the death of my husband, because I was so lonely, so hurting, and it distracted me from my own pain and grief. Of course it was a TERRIBLE MISTAKE but I did get out of it 8 months later, but caused myself a lot of pain and added grief to losing my husband, and I still had to do the grieving for losing him. I sincerely suggest that anytime anyone loses one serious relationship that they wait at least a year or so before getting involved with another one, sometimes longer if the relationship they lost (either through death or break up) was a long term one.
Don’t say “never”—who knows ? YOu might actually find a good relationship, but I think that fiinding a relationship with OURSELVES BY OURSELVES is the most important thing, then we can SHARE a good relationship with someone else. In the end, we make ourselves happy or not, no one else can do that for us.
mommom
OX
I think with the death of someone there is that finality to it. I can understand becoming loney. My mother did the same thing after my Dad died. The guy wanted to know what her financial worth was…LOL She couldnt see it up until 2 weeks before they were supposed to marry. He wanted my mom to sign over all her financial accets to her,then she got wise. She was very lonely too. I get that.
For me,the very thought of a man right now is just sickening.
bluemosaic
Hi All,
I am very new …will start some counseling this week.
No where near healed. Had a man approach me today. Slightly flirty. Can only imagine I am a Sh-t magnet right now.
He was beautiful. So what.
My spath was a lesson. I failed. Maybe he is lesson # 2 with knashing teeth! Yikes!!!
I am not dating till I heal…don’t know when that will be. No time table for me.
After he walked away, his freind , who knows me fairly well, suggested that ” I think he likes you”….I just smiled …said nada.
Ok….if I am asked out, a healthy response can be…help me choose;
A) Sorry, I am not dating. I am psychologically traumatized from dating/loving a sociopathic womanizing creature from the black lagoon
or
B) I am not dating right now, taking a break, wish you well : )
LOLOLOLOL
what do you think?
Bluemosaic
MoonDancer
.
kim frederick
Definately B. You would be painting a target on your forhead with A. A. is what we shit magnets do, because we expect people to care. The ones who are capable of caring will run the other way because they have learned that wounded people are a lot of trouble….and the ones who aren’t capable of caring will exploit your woundedness.
Do not give anyone an in road to your woundedness, at least not out there in the dating world. Just say no.
Truthspeak
Bluemosaic, you are not under ANY obligation to explain OR defend a firm-but-gentle, “I appreciate your invitation, but I’m not dating, right now.” The inevitable, “Why not” will follow. The answer to that is a very firm, “I choose NOT to.”
Any further testing of that clear and straightforward boundary would be a screaming, flapping “Red Flag.”