Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
PeggyW – thanks for your comment…….gosh maybe now I should look into PTSD, hadn’t thought of that…
But should clarify – the nephew wasn’t the problem in this case, it was the owner himself who had no idea what his wages were and should have been. Nephew (Captain Fantastic) is not so much of a direct problem, unless he tries to accuse me of something I did or didn’t do, and when I can produce proof to defend myself, he will back down and occasionally apologize – so not completely sure to what degree a N he may be. The biggest problem with him is that to try and get him to adhere to some sort of schedule or procedure is like trying to nail jello to a tree…. And I only suspect N because of his personal life (he is VERY good looking and could stand in for Tom Cruise), he insists he will never marry and has a steady stream of live – in girlfriends, and is usually stringing one along on the side (and he only dates super model types), and it’s funny how they usually have such a hard time with jealousy…..it doesn’t affect me in the least, however, it’s more like watching a soap opera. But when the business gets handed over to him, I’m really doubting that I could continue to work under HIS authority – I should probably leave before I need to jump off the Titanic….when that happens. He is very moody and can sometimes be very charming and chatty, and at other times, it’s down to name, rank, and serial number, and get off the phone!
Thanks for letting me vent! Been a hard day…
witsend – Wether Kevin win’s or not I think his chicken catchin days are over, he should of sang a Merle Haggard song. And I bet Grandma Lee has a fowl mouth, she has to keep it clean for TV, but turn her loose at Vegas and I bet every other word would four letters..
Cutandrun,
I’m not sure what kind of relationship you have with the owner of the business, but if you are running his business for him, I would think he should be approachable to you when you need to communicate to him. Is there any chance you could try and talk to him about your conversation and ask if he feels you did anything wrong? It’s hard to say if you were being triggered into PTSD or if his poor communication left you feeling manipulated. If you feel it is PTSD, there are some very effective therapies for this. But if there is a pattern of his undercommunicating or you continually feeling guilty, he may have some issues he is taking out on you.
I support the Clinical Director at my office job. She also is extremely busy and doesn’t want to deal with a lot of problems or extraneous information. But if ever I feel bad about something she said, I can always go to her and talk to her.
Wow, Stargazer, right on……lack of communication leaves me feeling manipulated….interesting! Had never thought of that. I always tended to relate feeling manipulated to “something” that WAS BEING “communicated”, not a lack OF it. Cool. In thinking things over yet again, I remembered I was feeling pain/anxiety before this situation even started…..I now think that being left alone so much like that does make me feel I’m being taken advantage of. I had tried to make myself look at it like it’s great that they “trust” me like that, that they have confidence in my abilities, that I can handle whatever comes up. But, right, should it ALL be MY responsibility? I think now perhaps I will have something I can actually verbalize, where my boundaries have been so VAGUE that I didn’t even know what was bothering me or if it SHOULD bother me.
I think his only issue is that he is very close to traditional retirement age, 62, and as the owner of what he considers to be a very successful business, he resents that he cannot simply stop working or worrying about it because he simply cannot trust his nephew, the heir to the throne. He is slippery as an eel and the boss’s own boundaries with this are so soft confronting him never seems to work. So it’s the politics of avoidance.
I KNOW he does not blame me, and is just more upset with the whole situation. Even if he felt he should have had that raise since the beginning of the year, the money simply ISN’T THERE, so the image of a “successful business” is more or a mirage. It’s pure crisis management.
Stargazer…have you experienced effective therapy for PTSD? Have others? I really don’t want to invest time and money and emotional energy in something I’m not sure will work. The nearest therapist is two hours away, and then it is two hours drive back. That would be 5 hours for each session, plus what the therapist charges, plus the gas and driving on remote roads alone…which can REALLY trigger my PTSD if I have a breakdown, as I was attacked once in that situation, and had my stuff stolen on another breakdown.
My therapist said the eye movement thing would help, but I startle so easy, I’m on high alert almost all the time, I just don’t see much hope for treatment!
EMDR is a great treatment for PTSD. I tried it but had to hold back, because I was starting to remember childhood trauma and that would have not helped me stay in control. Justabout, you’d benefit from EMDR, no doubt, but if it involves bad stimuli like driving alone, you may want to ask someone to ride with you, at least in the beginning. Hypnosis is also good. I had that several times and was able to remember my P experiences and also set them free. (not entirely, unfortunately)
JAH, I’ve heard the rapid eye movement is very effective, but I haven’t the funding to try it myself, in addition to which I feel less of the need for it. I did have some trauma work several years ago by a lady who also did cranial sacral work, and I got a lot out of it. It was based on a book–don’t quote me on this, but I think the book was called “Eye of the Tiger” or something like that. It’s a very specific way of having a basis of positive, happy feelings before delving into traumatic memories and a way of handling them. It worked very well for me. If you can find the book, it might be useful to read. I’ve done a lot of trauma work in my 20’s accidentally when I went to some long meditation retreats. If you meditate long enough and get quiet and peaceful enough, all the stuff tends to come up. But it’s much easier to deal with in that context.
Cutandrun,
It does sound like you are experiencing some PTSD. But that’s not terrible. If you can identify what issue he is triggering as an authority figure in your life, you can work on it. Maybe then you can go talk to him to clear the air, and find out where you stand. In my 20’s I had so much PTSD that I couldn’t work for a few years. When I started working again (at menial jobs) I came home in tears every night, processing feelings that got triggered by co-workers. If you can process your feelings, you will be stronger and know more clearly where your boundaries are.
PInow:
What is EMDR?
That’s what I meant to say–EMDR–and not rapid eye movement. (I’m thinking of REM my favorite band. lol).
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)1 is a comprehensive, integrative psychotherapy approach. It contains elements of many effective psychotherapies in structured protocols that are designed to maximize treatment effects. These include psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral, interpersonal, experiential, and body-centered therapies.