Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
Just jumping in to say thanks to everyone who responded to my question. I appreciate the help!
Does anyone have any suggestions of books that are good for getting over childhood abuse?
There are several good books qabout “toxic” and “controllilng parents” there are some “book reviews” here on some, and yo ucan see reviews on Amazon dot com,
Sometimes when we have been in relationships with ps, because our childhood left us vulnerable to abuse as “normal” or “familiar” and we start to heal from the abuse by the P we realize that we have always lived in a situation that made abuse seem “normal” or what we should expect from others.
Growing up in a home where we were not valued, even it it wasn’t a home in which we suffered sexual or physical abuse, many times it is simply the lack of a loving warmth that all children deserve, leaves us vulnerable to anyone who does claim (at least at first) to love us, though they dont’ treat us as if they do. Working backwards into these early childhood deprivations of love and nurturing can allow us to “reparent” ourselves to so me extent, and to let us NURTURE OURSELVES rather than depending on outside “love”—at that point we are not so vulnerable to having others con us by FAKE LOVE. Good luck, there are many good books on this subject!
Oxy – you nailed it…..no sexual, some physical, mostly emotional, and the terror of the temper tantrums, rage, screaming, blame, blame blame….more blame, did I mention blame….
That is why it is so much “easier” for me to take blame on myself, than to stand up for myself, or feel good about myself, or confident that it really wasn’t me or something I did or didn’t do…
PTSD may be a factor, because if I think I did something wrong (as in story posts back), I become fearful, the authority figure is going to blow up at me. Humiliate me, fire me.
So when someone (S#2) tells me I’m perfect and absolutely wonderful, wow what a feeling. Except that we go from the tunnel of love to the haunted house.
I am presently reading a book on emotional abuse, but it doesn’t seem to be helping too much, as they ask questions like, name 5 things that describe you, and I simply can’t do it. Name 5 personal goals – nope, don’t have any. No clue. Survival, that’s all I can say.
Dear Cut and run,
“Abuse” is defined differently by different people, and sometimes it may be a subtle as a parent “withholding” love and approval to a child. Also what would be “painful abuse” to one child might not be perceived so by another child with a different temperment.
since each of us seems to think our upbriinging is “normal” we (at least I did) thought that everyone’s family was like mine. I learned to do things or not do things by the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) rather than for any other reasons and grew up seeming to think it was my responsibility to make “mommie dearest’ not rage or condemn—and I never seemed to “get it right” no matter what I did….my self esteem depended on pleasing her and her “angry god”—I didn’t even realize what my life was based on.
I can also relate to the not being able to “name five things” —but that part is changing now, I am able to name plenty of things about me that I LIKE about me. I bet you could name some things too.
1. I am a caring person.
2. I am a smart woman.
3. I am a loving parent.
4. I am a good friend.
5. I am a competent person.
Goals:
1. I want to be a more confident person.
2. I want to re-develop my artistic talents
3. I want to participate more in my community
4. I want to increase my spirituality
5. I want to deepen my intimate relationships with my friends and my sons.
One of the things I did earlier on in the healing of myself was to have a “goal for the week” sort of thing, and as I would discover something about myself I wanted to improve I would concentrate on that ONE thing for that ONE week.
I would read about that thing, think about it, journal about it, and try to practice it….like not being “cranky” or losing my temper would be ‘this week’s goal” and each week or so I would pick a new “project” to work on.
It didn’t have to be anything “big” or “grand” or profound, just something that I wanted to make better about myself.
Some weeks I met the goal, some weeks I didn’t but I didn’t beat myself up about it either way….just one step at a time.
I’ve made “goals” and not carried through, or changed them, as circumstances went, and some of them I probably won’t complete, but if I drop one off the list, or change the way I am going about fullfilling it, okay–LIFE IS FLUID. Go with the flow. What may seem important today may not see so important tomorrow.
I’ve always kind of been a “work-a-holic” type and felt guilty if i wasn’t doing something PRODUCTIVE every minute of every day, but sometimes the goal was to DO NOTHING and nto feel guilty about it. In the past, i’ve done plenty of doing “nothing” but I always felt guilty about it. LOL
I still find myself feeling guilty if at age 62 (almost 63) I don’t put in as much physical labor as my sons, or as many or more hours than they do—-DUH? I deserve to rest and/or kick back, I’ve EARNED the priviledge and right to sit and read a book while the guys dig the ditches! So why should I feel guilty if I don’t? So those are some of the things I am working on. Even just changing my attitude or outlook on the situation that is still the same.
Hang in there Cut, it is a long road, but one step at a time gets you there! (hugs)
Thanks guys for interpreting my email from the p murderer. It helped a lot as he held me hostage for 14 years with similar words in between bashings. Since i have gone no contact with my psychopath daughter everything has reached a head. But the cops here are too corrupt and scared of my ex p murdering husband because he is still very well connected with corrupt cops as well as gangsters.
I just finished 4 and a half hours straight with my psychopath art teacher. According to this blog above, my insides are sooooo toxic that i am attracting allthese Ps in my life. That means that when I was five and my P father broke my p mothers neck, it was all my fault. Just as my p mother told me at the time and then all my life. Probably, because I was so damn negative inside when I was five that I just created that whole scenario. Good on yu!
Donna, great article:)
I for one have no wish at all right now to embark on a brand new relationship. I have a wonderful intimate (in an emotional way not a sexy way;) long standing friendship with someone wonderful and that will do me fine for now.
Since the complete destruction of my fragile self worth at the hands of the creature I thought loved me I have found layer upon layer of problems in my life that were in situ long before he came along to ‘pull out the pin.’
My self worth was a hairs breath from complete destruction for 30 odd years.
Its been the most intense and painful period.
BUT I was already broken to start with…and of course thats going to attract sharks (just like a floundering fish), I DONT however blame myself for being ‘broken’, I had a whole life time of narcissitic abuse shaping me into a nice tasty treat for a s/p.
I think it is my responsibility to really get into why I am like I am, why I attract (and have been attracted to) bad relationships, there are reasons why I am vulnerable to toxic people, what I can do for myself, and eventually find good healthy relationships with others.
I went to a wedding recently with a friend who was ‘looking’ for a feller, or even just a fling, she introduced me to someone she thought I might like and he was very nice, but I was just not interested because I know I am not ready yet.
I dont mind not being ready yet.
I have to feel good about myself first… I have no energy for another person right now.And I know I am not going to find my ‘feel good’ in another person.
I have everything I need right now. ME.
Yes I sometimes feel lonely and tired, but I am not thinking ‘if only there was someone else there, to do this that and the other with… like I used to… like wishing some prince charming would come along and ‘save’ me… or that I win the lottery … or that something will ‘happen’ to make it all better, anymore, it is a dangerous and childish mindset.
Even though its tough, and I am tired, part of me is actuallly enjoying that I am working through each phase of this all by myself. With each seemingly unsurmountable problem I solve for myself, each task I accomplish for myself, I feel better and better about myself.
I look forward to being ‘done’. being ready for what will be THE FIRST grown up and healthy relationship with a man (or a woman…you never know) I have ever had!……. so check back here in another 10 -20 years or so… I might have some good news!;)lol!!xxxxxxxx
First, I am not sure why a year and half I chose areyoukiddingme as my login but at that time the I was in shock and crying daily hourly it was the most unbelievable experience I thought it would never stop and it did not for 5 months. When I woke up and realized I had been brainwashed for so many years I had a full nervous breakdown. I was married to a mini Bernie Madoff he was living two lives, had a Hedge Fund, and stole money. Oh well this is not the point of my blog.
Healing and finding someone new?
For 2 years now have been involved in a 12 step program and it has helped me move past this is a really really good way to heal, the support system and the steps help you to learn about you, if you can find one do it! I made a decision to wait 2 years and dig in to me. I read I wrote I connected with all of you and today I am better.
Finding someone? For me it was getting connected in the community so I got online and found volunteer groups and started helping out with these events, it was amazing to me how many there were, the people are so positive and happy and they are great to be around. It will build your self-confidence, I was not looking but here came a man that was taking pictures for the event and we became friends with a lot of chemistry, I thought I would never have that feeling again. I wasn’t looking it just happened! I did have a bit of a set back as the fear of pain again came in but I believe in love so I am moving slow with my heart.
When I got connected in volunteering, I found wonderful women new friends and I have laughed and had more fun in the last 3 months, it does wonders getting out of your house! From the volunteer groups I found singles groups and I find mostly they are just people that like to have fun (it is not a meat market at all) they have dances, hikes, movie nights so much fun. I also have plugged into networking events for my career there is a world out there I never new existed. When we are wounded so deeply we become depressed and lonely it may be hard to start but trust me you will find friendly faces fast.
Good luck out there!
Dear Tilly,
I completely overlooked the E MAIL tilly, but Erin interpreted it completely and correctly.
I agree though BLOCK HIS E MAIL so it will bounce back.
He is trying to hold out “susan” as a CARROT so that you will BITE and he can control you through her. the STICK is the “before she leaves forever”
Funny thing, though, he DOES NOT TRULY REALIZE HOW WISE AND STRONG YOU HAVE BECOME. The “carrot” is no carrot and the stick is not “stick”—because I can realize how I would think and feel if someone wrote me that letter (NOW) about my P-son, I would NOT be in the least tempted to believe that our relationship could be salvaged or that I would “die” if I lost all hope of having a relationship with him.
Once the carrot is no longer tempting, then the “fear” of losing it is no fear at all.
Areyoukidding me: glad things are going well for you, and it is because YOU MADE THEM GOOD, and I am glad for you. GREAT ADVICE to all of us. THANKS!!!
Oxy – thanks for your post – VERY helpful! I think I spent the last two days being sucked into the vortex of my own mind…
I think part of my “mental block” to coming up with answers to those questions has to do with the Christianity I was raised with, and still subscribe to, puts so much emphasis on being humble, and being “sinful”, that I have no idea what would be acceptable to say – see how backwards this thinking is – trying to determine what OTHER PEOPLE would find acceptable for me to answer.
UGHH! There is a SELF in here somewhere, I’m sure of it — now WHERE did I put it???
My husband gave me a very supportive note this morning – and in it he says “YOU COUNT TOO, not just everybody else!”
So here goes:
1. I am a smart person.
2. I have a great sense of humor.
3. I am compassionate and caring.
4. I am a good judge of character (xcept in two instances).
5. I am honest and trustworthy.
Goals:
1. To be less critical of myself.
2. To be less critical of others.
3. To be mentally/emotionally healthy.
4. To not be so concerned with what others think of me.
5. To enjoy life and not obsess over work/housework, i.e., what I “should” be doing.
How is that for a start? Answer and then I can practice not caring what others think! ha ha