Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
I am in uncharted waters! HELP!
I am starting to date a bit more and find that reading chemistry with a person is an issue for me. When I met S there was instant chemistry–totally into each other. I read a book a while ago and it said that this type of instant chemistry is a bad sign and to run the other way.
Anyway, I have gone on a few dates with a man who has been nothing but a perfect gentleman. He actually meets all the criteria on my “list”…We have great conversations and he has a great sense of humor. I don’t have the same chemistry as when I met the S, which is a good thing.
How do I read chemistry in a healthy adult relationship? I can honestly say I haven’t been in a healthy adult relationship before…
Dear Ginger,
ONE WORD—–SLOWLY!!!!
Dear Cutandrun,
GREAT JOB!!!!
Yes, the “christianity” i was FED as a child and young adult never felt just “right” but I still accepted that I had to please my egg donor in order to please God–DUH! I also worried too much about “what the neighbors thought” and eventually realized that the FILTER through which I read the Bible was TWISTED and that I was reading it thinking my egg donor was right, that God was this angry god up there waiting to ZAP me if I displeased HER and that SHE was my “judge” of right and wrong, good and bad, etc.
Now, I have NO ONE between me and God, and MY God is a loving and kind and caring and forgiving FATHER, not this big bad ogre. I realize that my egg donor’s view of God is like the Pharisees that jesus was dealing with. He called them “whited tombs”—beautiful on the outside, but filled with ROTTEN BONES on the inside. They were the psychopaths who pretended to be so holy and good, and at the sdame time they were doing this, they were PLOTTING to get false witnesses to have him crucified. So, how “holy” were they? Of course, NOT AT ALL.
I realized that my egg donor is that way, she is so concerned that she be VIEWED by the community and the church as HOLY and CARING, and I also realize that she ONLY exposes her NASTY LYING HATEFUL SELF to me. She keeps up her MASK of kindness and charity and goodness to the “neighbors” but I HAVE SEEN HER REAL FACE, when she was confronted with a lie in her mouth, she was NOT repentful, she was NOT sorry, she was trying to “justify” her lie by pointing a finger at me and saying “well, tell me you never lied to me!” My answer was “Yes, 45 years ago when i was 15!” But to her, that JUSTIFIES her lies today.
I have seen the horrific look of evil and hate on her face, the same as I have seen it on the face of my P-son when I frustrated him by not falling for his con-job. He too can pretend to be so “holy” and quote scripture like a preacher.
But as Jesus said, even the DEVIL can quote scripture for his own purpose to deceive you.
My spiritual health is so much better now that I have stopped letting anyone come between me and God. That doesn’t mean I don’t discuss scripture with others, but I weigh their opinions or interpretations and DECIDE for myself what is right for ME.
I am learning to TRUST God’s promises in the Bible that “all will work together for GOOD to those that love God.” We may not SEE how something we consider “bad happening” will in the end be for OUR GOOD, but I TRUST that it will, and so many times since all this chaos started, I have SEEN EVIDENCE that something “bad” happening in the end, turned out to be a BLESSING because I could not see the future to know at the TIME it happened, but I am LEARNING TO TRUST GOD to take care of my needs. That in itself is comforting when I am unable to see the good possibilities in the challenges.
I realize that if nothing else now, I have a relationship with a REAL God that I never had before. Instead of just trying not to “be bad:” and refrain from doing bad things, I am looking at my relationship with God in a positive way, not a negative way. It isn’t just about “avoiding sin” any more, it is about being positive, about loving, caring, and also caring for MYSELF as well. Even God does not expect us to feed others when we are starving. We are also God’s child, and WE DESERVE to be treated well. We are told to “love your neighbor AS yourself”—that means “DO GOOD TO YOUR NEIGHBOR *AS* you do good to yourself. That does NOT mean I think to TREAT YOUR NEIGHBOR BETTER THAN YOU TREAT YOURSELF. I think God expects us to treat ourselves WELL.
I think one of my biggest FAULTS was treating others better than I treated myself, having a much more stringent code of ethics for MYSELF than I did for others. I expected me to be “better” and “give more” and “do more” for others and I didn’t ‘deserve anything.
Now, I am looking at doing for MYSELF and for others as well, but SHARING with others, not giving it ALL to others. And, not giving it to the “swine” who will trample my “pearls” under foot into the mire.
I am re-reading the old stories of the Bible with NEW insight. Getting new meanings out of the familiar stories.
Also, I am LEARNING TO FORGIVE MYSELF for being Human and for not being perfect. I never expected others to be “perfect” but I always DID expect me to be PERFECT, and if I wasn’t Perfect, I was no good at all. That was my egg donor’s point of view, but no longer mine. I am not perfect, but I am trying to do the best I can, so that makes me GOOD ENOUGH, God takes care of the rest of it.
I wrote an article a while back about “forgiving yourself for being human”—look it up on LF and read that, it will explain the rest of my thoughts on that aspect. Kkeep me in your prayers as I keep you, and all of LF in mine. (((hugs))))
Oxy,
yes yes yes to all of the above! Part of what made me vulnerable to S#2 was almost two decades of membership in a church that didn’t necessarily PREACH but rather, at least EXAMPLED a veiled form of legalism. And a huge battle with pastor over the past two years, who I now know to be a N. The emporer has no clothes and the rest of the congregation (those that are still there) refuse to see it. In 2006 that church lost almost half it’s membership. It was a very small church to begin with. Now there are about 30 people there, most related to each other. Oooh that even sounds creepy as I write it.
Anyways, legalism is anything that you put faith in beyond, or alongside, your faith in Christ. IOW, Jesus AND _____, fill in the blank, will save me. Jesus AND giving $X to the church, Jesus AND serving on the board, Jesus AND being a sunday school teacher, Jesus AND being a “good daughter”. In the end, Jesus doesn’t require, more than that, demands, that we bring NOTHING with us, just me & him. We can’t “contribute” to our own salvation. We can’t try to be PERFECT in order to have a relationship with God.
This subject has become so repulsive to me and I am so sensitive to it I had to have a discussion with my husband about him sounding a bit “preachy” to me in his notes. Gosh I am so thankful to not be in that church anymore.
Unfortunately, my whatever you want to call them parents jumped ship with us and are at the new church with us too. And my whatever he is father is starting to complain about it already. Well, there must be a lot yet that I have to learn….
I have heard some folks using the term “Cluster B”, what does that mean?
Yep I will be praying!
Ginger…don’t worry about chemistry. Worry about whether he is a good friend. Leave out sex. That complicates everything. Oxy is right. Go slowly. Keep the relationship in perspective. It is not the be all and end all of everything. Sounds like you know that. Good for you.
Dear Cut and Run,
“Cluster B” is a GROUP of similar personality disorders with a BIT of a different twist in each one, but ALL DISORDERS that cause PAIN and CHAOS. The term comes from the place on the diagnostic “form” that they are noted on by professionals. That term applies to narcissistic PD, histrionic PD, anti-social PD (sociopath or psychopath) and so on, but the BOTTOM LINE is these people are ALL TOXIC and it does not matter which “label” we tag on to their disorder they are COMPLWETELY TOXIC
If we just label them TOXIC it covers them all. I think sometimes we get hung up on the “correct” label. My egg donor does not fit the criteria (PC-R) for a “psychopath” or even anti-social personality disorder, but she is a CONTROL FREAK HYPOCRITIC ABUSER so the label doesn’t matter.
Because this started when I was little and she (like all parents even bad ones) are “god” to a toddler, I never noticed that she did not LIVE what she preached. I had the idea that she COULD NEVER TELL A LIE, so when she lied to me, I always found some EXCUSE why it was a “misunderstanding” or “miscommunication” it NEVER DAWNED ON ME THAT SHE WOULD DELIBERATELY LIE. So when you have that sort of belief, NOTHING makes you doubt them or their “good intentions”—it is like a CULT. That article I wrote about “Reverend” Tony Alamo who is a stereotypical “cult leader” and lead these people off down the garden path to oget them to furnish him their 9-12 year old daughters for him to “marry” several at a time and convinced them this was God’s will! DUH!!!! I was just as HOODWINKED as Alamo’s flock, only my cult was only ME as a victim, and to everyone else, she kept up this pious mask. Now that she is old and infirm,, she uses that pity play card as well, how her ONLY child has “deserted” her, but that child is “mentally ill” and “irrational” and she is soooo patient waiting for me to come to my senses! WHERE IS THE PUKE EMOTICON WHEN YOU YOU NEED ONE?
When I realize that I believed that crap, I believed her “holiness” and “good intentions” and “its for your own good, dear” when she was using me, I want to BOINK myself on the head with the skillet. However, I realize also that just like I train a baby calf to wear a yoke and to follown my commands and when they grow up to 2,000 pounds they still think I am MORE POWERFUL than they are because they will NEVER QUESTION my authority or my power.
Thank God in His mercy that i finially DID question, that I finally DID see the light, and I finally DID see behind her mask so that I now KNOW she is just as evil intentioned as my P-son, no matter what her “label is”
I looked up the book, “Looking for Mr. Goodbar” because I think someone mentioned it here. I have never read it but read portions of it online.
It seems that the character Theresa was cluster B as were her parents and her sister and her teacher and her bf, tony. Unfortunately, she ran into the psychopath cluster B who kills her at the end. But without having had cluster B family, she would never have fallen for the cluster B teacher, who abused her emotionally and cluster B, tony who continued the abuse. The entire lifestyle, which ended in death, was a result of all the abuse she had taken since childhood.
The story is amazing in it’s ability to take the entire cluster B profile and disperse it among the characters and then have them interact. The unavoidable consequence being death, of course.
I feel like I can relate to Theresa’s emotional state from having been ignored and devalued by cluster B parents who preferred to shower my P-sister with attention. I went crazy and hitchhiked everywhere I went, literally tempting fate when I met the GR killer.
Ironically, having met my exP at such a young age and having had quite a bit of money from a settlement (which made him decide to let me live for a few years) may have been what saved my life. On the other hand, it was not much of a life, I went from being my parents’ prisoner/slave to being xP’s prisoner/slave.
Oxy I was just looking at the various disorders and I think what may fit my dad is Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Only I didn’t get enough info yet, as he never “explodes” with other people, only with immediate family. And I have never seen any remorse or depression – he may take care of that as he is very generous with his time and $$ towards us – doesn’t lavish stuff on us but is helpful with our son’s college tuition, will come over and fix things, etc…. Sometimes I think this is “reparaitions” (sp?) for what we sometimes go through.
Also he professes Christianity and perhaps is more “controlled” by what he is supposed to believe, he’s only hit my mom once that I can remember. Hitting us was considered “spankings”.
I know that he has to have a set routine for his days, if unexpected things happen, he gets all discombobulated and is much more likely to try and find a reason to blow up. I’m sure this is the way his mind/body has learned(or been taught) to relieve stress – sadly we’ve always “allowed” it, been enablers. Well, from birth to teen you don’t really have a choice…..but mom never stood up for us.
Dear Cut and run,
sometimes these “explosive” things are a sign of anxiety and as the anxiety builds it is “released’ in an explosion of anger and violence, but that relieves the “tension’ and then rinse and repeat again.
If he EVER hit your mom (and he may have done this more than you know) and he does the intermitten explosions I would call him an ABUSER regardless of what the root problem is.
I wish I coudl say this is something unusual but I am afraid it isn’t. The attitude of “let’s pretend that none of that happened” and I will be nice to you til next time, is what I grew up with as well. My egg donnor actually said those words “Let’s just pretend none of this happened” and it was like CLICK, the LIGHT WENT ON IN MY HEAD and I realize that this was our FAMILY MOTTO. I realized that INSTANT I did not want to play that “game” any more. I refused to play that game and she refused to “talk” about any of it, to settle any thing, to admit to anything, she just wanted to play “pretend.”
I won’t play pretend, I won’t let anyone talk to me or treat me like that again and then PRETEND it didn’t happen. I have eliminated those people from my life, and it makes life so much better. living in the REALITY of now. WOW! I didn’t know it could be so good. I was so always afraid to confront the truth, to make them confront the truth, and they didn’t confront the truth, so the choice is theirs, they are out of my life.
*sigh* I know, I know…..I think I am just in a “researching” phase of everything I am going through, looking for as many answers as might be out there to find. Abuse is abuse is abuse is abuse, I understand that, but am in no position and not prepared to cut myself off from the rest of my family.
But, I can decide how I will handle any further abuse that might come my way. I wonder what might happen if I do something like refuse to speak to him until he can speak politely and be respectful. And, my husband also has my back now — and is prepared to stand up for me like he never was before. He never was before, really.