Steve Becker, LCSW

I'm going to address a disturbing subject: the motives, the thinking, of men who eliminate—yes, who murder—their partners. But first a caveat: Females also sometimes eliminate their partners and share, I suspect, similar mindsets and motives with male murderous eliminators.  And so what I write, here, applies, I suspect, across gender lines. One other caveat—when I use the term “eliminate,” as you might suspect, I'm excluding killings in self-defense, of passion, and as responses to insufferable abuse.  This will be apparent as the discussion unfolds. Last, by “eliminate,” I refer to two possible means of disposing of a partner—by one's own hands, or by outsourcing the job. So …

Murderous partnersRead More

This is a big topic, and I fully intend to flesh it out in future posts. But allow me, here, to consider this question from the perspective of the work I do with couples. It is often surprisingly easy, from a couples therapy perspective, to weed out the narcissists from the non-narcissists; and more importantly, the salvageable from the unsalvageable narcissists. Narcissists, as we know, will struggle to see things from their partners' perspective. But let's be clear: it is the reasons they struggle with this, not that they struggle with it, that signals their narcissism. At the risk of oversimplifying, narcissists struggle to appreciate their partners' perspective fundamentally …

Is He A Narcissist? Is He Salvageable?Read More

Although some see sociopaths as too emotionally deficient to experience the despair necessary to suicide, I see suicide as offering a viable option for some sociopaths, and I'm going to explain why. Let me start with a bit of crude, brutal logic: for many sociopaths, as we know, life is very much a game; hence, when game over, life over. No more game, what's left? The answer may be, nothing. And yet it may be less “despair” and “depression” with which the sociopath is left when his act has been shut-down than his preferring no longer to deal with an existence he  knows will cease supplying the gratifications to which he's grown accustomed, perhaps addicted and certainly privileg …

Sociopaths and SuicideRead More

Are sociopaths who cry “sensitive sociopaths,” or just extra clever sociopaths? What's going on when sociopaths cry? Is their crying ever sincere, or always insincere? Is it ever deep, or always superficial? Always calculated, or sometimes spontaneous? In short, what's the deal with sociopaths and the crying game? There are some sociopaths—more classical, Cleckley-like sociopaths—who can “cry on demand,” by which I mean cry, as if spontaneously, from a consciously manipulative agenda. Many of these sociopaths can summon displays of emotional vulnerability, like tearful anguish and contrition, with the skill of the gifted character actor. In some cases, to extend the metaphor, some so …

Sociopaths and “The Crying Game”Read More

In my last LoveFraud article I discussed strategies for vetting your new partner for “personality skeletons” lurking in the “apparent” history. I'd like to focus, here, more specifically (and in more depth) on individuals with a pattern of discarding the people in their lives. Sociopaths and other seriously disturbed narcissistic personality types will have this history—that is, a history (past and recent) that's almost certainly littered with friends, family, and anyone who was once useful, whom they've cast off ostensibly for one or another reason. As best as possible we want to glean this history, if it's applicable and somehow accessible. In such cases, we want to ensure that bli …

Sociopaths As DiscardersRead More

What can we say about the games sociopaths play in psychotherapy? We might start with: Sociopaths don't seek counseling, ever, from a genuine motive to make personal growth. This isn't to say sociopaths don't end up in therapists' offices. They do, either because they've been mandated to attend therapy, or because they view counseling, somehow, as enabling their ulterior, manipulative agenda. But never does the sociopath, on his own, awaken one day and say to himself, “I've got some  personal issues I need to examine seriously, for which pursuing psychotherapy is probably imperative—otherwise my life and relationships are going down the drain.” I repeat, sociopaths will never, ever, …

Games Sociopaths Play (In Psychotherapy)Read More

(The following is a satirical piece; it is not meant to trivialize sociopaths and the damage they inflict on others. Rather, through satire, the piece is meant to dramatize, in exaggerated fashion, some of the sociopath's notable  linguistic, defensive and manipulative machinations.) Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, and particularly you, young lady. I believe you are juror #7? If you don't mind, you are looking strikingly beautiful today; then again, that implies that you weren't looking just as distractingly gorgeous as yesterday, which you were. Already the prosecution raises an objection? My, we're getting started early this morning, counsel? Rough night? I ask …

The Sociopath Holding CourtRead More

Sociopaths who posture as insightful and self-aware are some of the most dangerous predators around. When I use the terms pseudo insightful and pseudo sensitive, I'm referring to the sociopath's manipulative efforts to seem some combination of vulnerable, self-aware, sensitive and compassionate. For some sociopaths this deception is conscious, while for others it is so seamlessly woven into their modus operandi as to feel (for them), at least in the moment, almost authentic. Even the normal individual, low in sociopathic traits, may struggle to distinguish his deception from authenticity when finding himself “performing” in a mode in which he feels masterfully confident and com …

The sociopath’s pseudo insightfulness and sensitivityRead More