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Background checks for online daters

When looking for love, 20 million Americans look on Internet dating sites. Now, companies offer quick and easy background checks, although some experts worry about their effectiveness.

Read New online-date detectives can unmask Mr. or Ms. Wrong, on NYTimes.com.



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132 Comments on "Background checks for online daters"

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I think this is fantastic! Our ‘Crooked Casanova’ has found countless victims on the different dating sites. It has been a very lucrative avenue for him. He has been kicked off Match.com twice; as well as eHarmony only because one of us came across his profile. Who knows what other sites he is on. Make it a simple, relatively inexpensive process to do a quick background check. Genius!

A “Quick background check” may not turn up ALL criminal records, and a lot of other stuff, so I would not count on this being very reliable. Internet dating is still very chancy and dangerous in my opinion, and a lot of people’s scams are UNDER THE RADAR and don’t show up in even criminal checks as CHARGES alone aren’t public records always.

I think I will stay off internet dating sites if I ever get to where I am “looking” again!

I really take issue with this. I think a background check should be MANDATORY!!

BUT BUT BUT BUT!!! I think it should very stressed beyond BELIEF that not all sociopaths, in fact, MANY would NOT have a criminal background, have jobs and are DIVORCED!!

My ex Spath is on MANY dating sites!!! And he has destroyed MANY women’s lives!!! I think that following the dating rules established here in cluing into a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist is accurate and dead on if one is really paying attention! If there was a way to attach those rules to a dating site, I would do it for sure!

My father is also a major…something N/S/P…..he too, cruises those sites. A retired man with LOTS of money!!! NEVER a criminal record and very much “respected” within his past working community. I feel very concerned that this article stresses only exposure with a criminal background check. If a woman checks him out, and his criminal background is clean and he’s divorced, she may think there is nothing wrong.

I hope information about sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists becomes much more defined in our society someday, women/men more alert to predators who only wish to feed off their lonely hearts and vulnerabilities….without stealing a dime, without ever having spent time in prison…..

I agree lesson learned, and I think you have LEARNED YOUR LESSON on this score at least. My P-BF was someone I had casually known in real life for about 10 years and most people who CASUALLY knew him thought he was GREAT!

He was a wife beating, serial cheating, lying, secretly drinking, drunk driving, manipulating arsehole—he would have shown up clean as a whistle on a back ground check. It was only by picking up hints here and there and from his cousin telling me some things I figured out he was only grooming me for a “respectable wife” to cheat on. He still had his harem in the back ground and was actively having affairs with them while he was dating and grooming me to be the next Mrs. Cheater.

Background checks don’t tell you much except what is criminal or on line, and most of the cheating is done under the radar!

It’s one step forward for safety’s sake but it won’t solve all the problems with dating sites for sure. This should already be mandated, IMHO. Especially if you are paying a dating site- it’s really a no brainer in my opinion. However, there are dozens upon dozens of high functioning sociopaths who get away with a lot of things.. so there’s not much of a quick fix in that respect. Though a good change indeed.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

did someone mention my name?

Dear One,

You are soooo Narcissistic! ๐Ÿ™‚ LOL Every time you hear the word “one” you think they are talking about you! LOL ROTFLMAO! ๐Ÿ™‚ Or is it paranoid? Paranoid? Narcissistic? come on, which is it! LOL

i will admit to having thought of you while writing that sentence. ๐Ÿ˜›

LOL @ y’all!!!!
That’s what i was trying to tell Glinda last night on another thread. Background checks don’t take a moral temperature! They can be “clean as a whistle” on paper and be the best spath you have ever met! We need to create a “moral” bureau to be able to check these idiots! Just like a credit one!

One Step: Are you an N?
Soimnotthecrazee1!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

i have to admit that i have seen narcissistic traits in y’all.

๐Ÿ™‚

Even ME?? onestep.
LOL, surely you aren’t talking about MEEE???
Me couldn’t possibly be narcissistic, ME is only good!

One,
OK… OK…. we all are “N”‘s. What are you?

I am not freaking crazee!!!! LOLOL

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaa….

well, obviously you are all narcissitic, that’s clear by the fact that you responded in such a way.

๐Ÿ™‚

One,
WOW! I just had a flashback!!!
I was there with xspath and saw the sign for the blah blah county mental health center and actually said to him is that where I am going to wind up? I felt it coming before I saw it! This idiot said “maybe”.
OMG…. I will never ignore red flags again!!! DENIAL is not in my vocabulary anymore!!!
soimnotthecrazee1!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

as much as they ‘tell’, it seems we do too!

Shabby Chic,
I hope you are not in San Diego with all that flooding!

One,
Yeppers! I told myself what and where I was headed! Before his mask fell off!! I knew it!
I just wanted to believe “HIS” side of the fantasy story! I deserved him, he is a good guy, my prince, the love I had waited for…… YUKKKKK! Make me throw up!!!!
Ok.. so i am crazee!! LOLOLOL
I wonder how EB and bears are doing?

Maybe she got et! I still think she ought to shoot the critter! There is NO way she is going to get rid of him now that he has found FOOD there, and GREAT FOOD at that! Oh, for some egg nog! I would kill for a big glass of egg nog. I can drink a half gallon of it at one sitting, even without the booze in it. YUM!!!!! Heck if I could get through the ten feet of snow I’d go to her house and steal the egg nog myself! Egg nog and SALT!!!! YUM!!!!!

@notcrazee, hi sweetie, thanks for asking…
I’m in Los Angeles, no flooding too close to me,
plenty of rain though… more then we’re used to!
No bears! :/

Oxy,

Sounds like withdrawls. Can you have half a glass of egg nog on Christmas? You’ve been so good!

Yea I have been good,k and a box of Cheryl’s cookies came UPS today and I ate 2 for “lunch” (how is that for NUTRITION) LOL but they had 160 mg of sodium in them, but I figured what the heck, it is christmas! but that was about all I ate today with sodium in it. LOL I really have been a good girl, but stuck at the 22 pound loss mark, so got to get exercising more, and I’m cleaning house with a furry (got a big 3-day sleep over party New Years) so got to get everything spic and span so I am scrubb-a-dubb-du-ba and that IS EXERCISE!

Yeah, cleaning the house IS good exercise!!!
I think I’ll work on that after I get up off the couch. LOL

Eb wont be having any Eggnog for Xmas, that there darned Bar done got it!
Mama GemX

Ox LOL! When I saw your post after mine I thought…..oh my…*grimace**…I do capitalize often to emphasize a point huh? So funny how that hit me. Oh well. It is what it is for me right now. LOL! Emphasis on humor there ๐Ÿ™‚

[email protected] about the nogg!!!!

Is there a website to post names or descriptions of sociopaths, like the Crooked Casanova, how can we avoid them?

Dear lesson learned,

I am the capitalize QUEEN here I think! I don’t do whole paragraphs, because it makes it hard to read, but I do it a lot!

That was a little bit of my humor (lesson learned, your name) and LEARNED THE LESSON (and I think you HAVE! DONE THAT) on that particular thing. The pun is the lowest form of humor!

So you go on capitallizing if you want to! (((hugs))))

Dear MISSY,

You asked about a web site to name them—there is don’tdatehimgirl and a few others,— but my suggestion is that the “way you AVOID them” is to don’t internet date at all, and when you do meet someone, don’t fall for instant flattery, but to get to know the person AS A PERSON and size them up before you get emotionally involved.

1) do they have friends that are good people (in other words if he hangs out with druggies, and creeps, he is likely a creep too. “Birds of a feather flock together.” If no, then bye bye.

2) does s/he have a job? One they have done for some time and are usually employed? No, say bye bye

3) do they have a stable residence or do they couch surf with their friends? No, dump them.

4) do they have their own transportation? (I realize some people in BIG cities don’t own vehicles but there is public transportation available)

5) are they respectful of others feelings. If they scream at a waiter, or anyone else say bye bye.

6) are they heavy and regular drinkers/druggies? If so, say bye bye

7) and so on…make up your own list here of the kinds of people that you DON’T want. A psychopath will have an EXCUSE for each of the questions they flunk, but don’t accept those excuses, because if you do then you are in for another traumatic relationship with another person who is high in psychopathic traits.

Look for someone who is stable, and I say LOOK, watch their ACTIONS and LISTEN for clues.

Dear Ox Drover,
I did the don’t date him girl! Thank you!
This S has been in contact with me for five years now. We dated, off and on. In the last six months after having very little contact, I got weak, responded to emails from him and tried to have a friendship, but he uses it to tell me how much he misses me. Yesterday, I find out that he is calling me from another woman’s house! I said I would remain in contact, detached friendship, but if he was into someone else, I wanted to know upfront. Of course, after reading similar posts, I realize how stupid it was for me to think he would be more honest if we were detached friends, he is a sociopath!

I guess I still understand my wanting contact (but I fight it), just am not clear what they get out of it. He seems pathetic. When we spoke (I know dumb move), he has these f* up explanations of why he is now spending the holidays with another woman- and he is not serious with this woman, but they are exclusive- Then tells me he will break up with her in January and come see me? I do not want him here, why continuing to contact me??
I know- to see if he gets a rise. No contact worked for a bit, but eventually I wore down and tried the detached friendship. But admitted to him (I know, stupid again) how hurtful it was to hear around the holidays that he is with someone else- but it is better than his lying to me. Now, I can know no regrets, he just does this with whoever allows him to. Even this new person would be very hurt if she knew all he said. So at least I
have no doubts, he is sick.

I know I am not as strong as I thought because I thought we could do this superficial friendship. When I got myself out of the enmeshment, I starting feeling good, in control of my life, working out, having good friendships with women and some men. Am even dating a bit. Why I let the creep back in is something I will still need to work on. He is so good at the apologies and promises. How sick he feels, how important I am to him blah, blah, blah. I wrote a final response,

I did not have anything real with you and do not want anything with you in the future. We tried being friends and you f** that up with lying (AGAIN) about caring for me but being with other women. I want people in my life that love and support me. You are one of the people, that I learned from and now must discard. Thank you for the lesson, I will look at a person’s action and if it does not match their words, I will not give them future chances to have me (a gift) in their life in any capacity. I will allow one response from you (my gift), but you may never contact me again (you gift to me) or I will press charges.
I wish I had not done the last part , but can not unsend it… oh! well. At least I am not hurt – but am still angry, but will go work out and that goes away too.
thank you for allowing me to write this down!
Missymud

Dear Missy,

I never had seen a good side to being “friends” with them—my X BF used to say to me whiile we were still dating “if we broke up we’d still be best friends” and I thought “NOOOOOOO??? What is this?” Now I know what it meant it meant “we will still have sex after we break up and you won’t hold it against me that I cheated on you while we were dating”

WELL, NO!!!! Not my idea of a “friendship”—first off I do not have sex with my friends of either sex, and I do not want ANY sex with anyone who is ALSO having sex with anyone else. Sex to me is a bonding ritual between two (notice I said TWO) people who love each other….and if one of those two people is ALSO having sex with someone else, it sort of means in MY OPINION that they are not IN LOVE WITH YOU. So having sex with them sort of means instead of a “bonding ritual between two people who love each other” it instead becomes:

One person using another person who loves them for cheap sex regardless of how much it would hurt the other one when they learn the truth, and one person who thinks they are loved and loves in return who will be devastated when they find out that the other person was just using them.

Not a great script. I think I will pass.

missy,
you asked “what does he get out of this.”
the answer is simply: your emotions. He is feeding off of them. pure and simple.
I know it seems strange, you couldn’t possibly imagine being that way, but he is.
I posted somewhere else about how my spath took his friend out to find a retrieve a dead body from an accidental drowning. His greatest high was in watching his friend’s face at the sight of a dead person in the river.
That tells you everything you need to know about why spaths do what they do.
Don’t give them any emotion and they go away.

Hi Missymud….You seem to have worked things out for yourself, I see it in your post. The hardest part is convincing ourselves!
He has you on the backburner, living with one woman whist emailing you, promising to leave her in Jan (yeah right) He’s just weighing up his options. At the moment he’s not sure of your reaction so he’s holding onto his current ‘supply’. If you agree he will take things up with you and use you whilst he’s looking for another victim.

There is no such thing as being friends with them, they do not understand friendship, it’s not something they are capable of.

They are soooooo predictable.

I see you are doing ‘a bit of dating’ may I suggest that you concentrate on that and stay no contact with spath.

Just offering a bit of advice having been through all of this with my spath, hope it helps.

thank you candy, skylar and ox,
I don’t know you, but you have helped me. I am thinking that I will get the book Betrayal Bonding mentioned under other posts.
Have a good night to all.

Two things. Unrelated, sort of.

I think it would be great to be able to post names of sociopaths (suspected of being, anyway). Could we do that? Is that slander? Would anybody know which Joe Smith it was anyway?

These background check people should also offer to have STD checks.

Oxy, yes they are something almost incredible to believe.
I think he left the condoms visible in his bedroom on purpose so i could see them. Yes, i realized it i could not trust him ever!
I know i’ve been very lucky. I did some complete tests 6 months after our last encounter and they were perfect. But with this creatures anything could have happened.

Dear Superkid,

There ARE sites where you can post names, the only names that I THINK Donna wants posted here are ones who are already in the news or convicted of criminal psychopathic-type behavior. So you can say “I think Ted Bundy was a psychopath” or “I think Bernie Madoff is a psychopath because of what he did, his crimes, ” but not name your boy friend unless he is in prison.

Actually I would never go to bed with any man without a full and complete STD check on both our parts. Not because I think I have anything because I don’t, (haven’t been exposed) but I am not going to risk my health by having intimate contact with anyone else’s body fluids, and though condoms might cut the risk if someone is infected with an STD there are MANY STDs that are not even slowed down by a condom.

There’s an old joke about “what do you call people who use condoms for birth control?” PARENTS!!!!! So if it won’t stop conception all that well, when a woman is only fertile 2-3 days a month, what’s the chances of it stopping disease, which can be transmitted 28-31 days a month? Any man that I would even be INTERESTED IN sleeping with, would not object at all to a complete STD check and showing me the results. If someone did object, I’m not interested in them anyway.

Hi Oxy, Superkid and all
I asked my psychopath to make blood analysis and he did it quite fast and without any objection. I did it too.
But, once i saw condms in his apartment. Ok this proves that he didn’t like to take risks as far as his health is concerned but he had very strange “friends”. Some of them gay men, he liked very much gay men as “friends”.
I really feel deep down a psychopath is very risky as sexual partner even with previous blood analysis and even using condom too.

Eva,

ABSOLUTELY they will lie to you, so if they are not ONLY with you, and/or you are not SURE of that, then they are very RISKY partners. Also, some sexually transmitted diseases do not so up for 3-6 months after exposure so a “clean test” now may not show up an infection that is already there, just not been long enough to show up in a blood test.

BTW, in order to have a “clean bill of health” a physical exam AND a blood test for several diseases are necessary not just a blood test for HIV.

ps Eva, it is fairly common for psychopaths to be bi-sexual or just have sex with whatever is handy, so they are actually many times neither gay nor straight. That and the fact that they are generally into a variety of sexual partners makes them VERY risky indeed.

I don’t think there is anything “safe” with regards to risky behaviors.

Oops, LOL,let me clarify! My ex-Spath was the KING of condom use, HOWEVER, spillage, **accidents**, were a common theme with him. He ALWAYS used a condom. Other forms of birth control were out of the equation for him. Needless to say, I DID get an std from him. It was discovered last year. It was DEVASTATING to me!! I realized he was more than just a man whore at that point, something else I blew off. I have had numerous tests for other std’s just to make sure and thank God there are no more. But one is bad enough.

Condom use doesn’t mean SHIAT!!!

There are other risky behaviors these bastards use to suck you in to their misery. My exSpaths MO IS WINE!! And he has cases and CASES of the stuff in his shop and in his house…..EVERYWHERE, actually!! He uses this to LURE women in. PERFECT< don't you think? He did it to me, and he tried it with potential new victim too, until I talked to her. He was trying to lower her inhibitions too, "teaching" her about new wines (she said he obsessively talked about it), knowing she wanted to learn about it. She was NOT a big drinker, THANK GOD and I hope to the Dear Lord Jesus I spared her by intervening!!!! It is HORRIBLE to get caught in the cycle of alcoholism like I did with him. Before him, I NEVER touched a drop of the stuff!! But this is how TOXIC they truly are. He NEVER cared that I wanted to stop drinking, that I was concerned about it, he manipulated me MORE to do it. ANd he did it to her too. And he will do it to his next victim. He is HUGELY alcoholic and has been for years and he hid that well until later in the relationship. He has no problem driving while intoxicated and has done it MANY, MANY times!!!

Something that can seem so innocent can be used as bait, but also can be used to try to destroy you.

This part of it makes me really angry, with him and myself. The more I progressed in school, becoming closer to my degree now, the harder he tried to destroy me. Even when I couldn't verbalize it, my well being and my personal goals were far more important to me than his all out effort to control…so I slowly started to back out of the "relationshit" (Ox- lol! love it!), and sloooooooooooooooooowly finding myself again……….this has been a year long process before it all blew up.

EVERYTHING with them is RISKY!!!! I'm so grateful and blessed for this site being here. I've read so many tragic and painful stories that resonate with me, but also personal triumph over abuse and anguish. I was going to take a break from this site, the computer at all, but I'm drawn to the many articles I'm still working on reading……..it's helping me so much, just to make it through the day. I feel truly understood here, no one is judging me for my STUPIDITY in going back over and over and over again,knowing what he was………just finding better ways to deny it. Ox, thank you, truly!!!!! The support and comraderie here is TRULY helping my processing of all of this!!

An ashtray?????WTF???? He stole from you and said that his mother sent it to him? LOL I had a “friend” that I am pretty sure now is psychopath who stole things, small things that she didn’t need, and she was a hoarder as well. She and her husband both have been banned from my life and my property! I’m done with people who lie and steal whether they are just dysfunctional or full on psychopaths, I don’t need any of them in my life or my home. LOL

I read, here i think, it is a kind of trophy. But why did he transformed the ashtray? It was a metallic one and he made it kind of older besides writing the inscription.
I remember he said to me in my apartment “this ashtray is totally industrial” so seems he took it his him to Switzerland and made an ashtray less industrial, more artisan and showed it to me with a happy smile while looking into my eyes. I think he was very excited while he showed it to me.
They take pleasure when they cheat you in front of your face, don’t they?

๐Ÿ˜€ yes very frustrating he didn’t take a pair of panties as usual. Just an ashtray…just my luck.
It was a nice ashtray. Cheap one but i liked that ashtray.

Eva:
You should have taken it back when he had guests over……and put it away…..
messed with his mind a bit…..right back atcha homey!
Knowing he’s a thief…..he wouldn’t of known which ‘friend’ stole his ashtray.

I did this with the spath…..when i’d go over to my rental he was living in……I knew he had friends there staying…..so when they’d go out skiing, or go for the weekend, i’d take cash out of his drawer…….and put other things in his friends room, like his cologne tucked in a suitcase, hang his leather jacket in their closet etc…….
Soon after, he sent these friends packing abruptly, and the guy called me to ask what was up with the asshole accusing him of stealing from him!!!! I thought we were friends?????
I said…..Oh, that’s just ‘who’ he is….you may want to think about ‘who’ your hanging out with?!!?!

Counter control…..BACK SPATH!!!!!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

heheeee…The Inner Spath Award of 2010 has been awarded to ErinBrock for her many and inventive forays into mindf******* her spath ex.

I second that award!!!! Very crafty EB!!!!! Gotta luv ya!!!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

she’s done some fun stuff to the business spaths too. ask her about the computer.

One,
I will ask her. In the height of my breakdown from running from him. I pulled some good ones too! I have just tried to let it rest in my memory. To be honest, if I would have just been silent and left, I would have been better off…. but after what he did to me I was leaving the markings on the walls! Not litterally, just in his head and heart. He would try to one up me and i would one up him!
soimnotthecrazee1!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

that’s why stealth is so important. not only does it give us some sense of control, we play a game that is silent and if done right, keeps THEM off balance, not us.

and i hate to say it, but i doubt you left a mark in his heart…that would suggest he had something to work with in that area.

EB,
As per One above… tell me , tell me, what did you do to the computer?
NTCRZE

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