By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
Sometimes my parrot will come up with a sound or a word and we will wonder “where in the heck did he come up with that!?”
We noticed a few years ago that he would make a “Whooooosh” sound when anyone opened the door either to go in or out. He did it consistently, so we knew he had associated the door opening with the sound, but we couldn’t figure out who would make that sound often enough that he had picked it up. Then one day my husband came in the house and it was very hot outside and when he came in he made that “Whoooosh” sound as he hit the air conditioned inside!
My son and I went, “Whoopee! We know where he got it now!”
It takes endless repetitions of a word or sound for a parrot to pick it up, and my husband must have done this hundreds of times before the bird picked it up. The bird is way more sensitive to the sounds in his environment than we are. We tend to “tune out” the “background” sounds that are not important to us so we can concentrate more on those sounds that actually “mean something.” Not that our ears can’t “hear” that sound, it is just that our brains tune it out and assign no importance to it.
I think sometimes people (myself included) do the same thing with situations and associations. We tune out as unimportant things that happen every day—things that we decide are not important to our world and we don’t want to concentrate on them. I have osteoarthritis just from being over 65 and having used and abused my bones and joints in the past, so I have a sort of “background” pain in most or all of my joints. I try to “tune this out” and usually succeed, because if I concentrated on this background pain, I would not be able to think about anything else.
Emotional pain
It seems to me that I have done the same thing with emotional background pain as well in my associations with dysfunctional or disordered people. The other person would make some “snarky” or disrespectful comment to me, and it would hurt just a bit, but I would push it to the background noise of my life and not concentrate on it. Just as my son and I didn’t “hear” my husband’s noises when he came into the house from outside because it wasn’t important, didn’t mean they weren’t “there.”
Pushing our emotions, our pains, into the background helps us to keep ourselves from being overwhelmed by the vast number of little pains and injuries. It numbs us to those in our everyday life so we can keep on functioning and without succumbing to the overwhelming pain. Sometimes we get a huge emotional injury and we “feel it” intensely, but even then we can put the residual pain into the background of our everyday existence.
Noticing and responding to every little slight in life isn’t the point of this, because if we did, we wouldn’t be able to function. Taking to heart and internalizing every snide remark made by every salesclerk isn’t necessary, but to “notice” and “hear” the slings and arrows of a particular relationship is another matter entirely. If we are continuing to have to “tune out” painful things from a person or a relationship, the pain will build up until there is a cacophonous level of emotional pain in the background of that relationship.
It takes a tremendous amount of energy to keep that level of background pain under control—energy that could better be put to use in establishing boundaries.
It took my parrot’s continual “Whooshing” to draw attention to one of the sounds in the background of my environment. It took tremendous pain to draw attention to the pain that had accumulated as a background noise in my relationship with my son and other family members. I had “eyes and did not see, and I had ears and did not hear,” as Jesus said about the Pharisees. It was unpleasant for me to realize that our relationships were not healthy, because in realizing that they were not healthy, I would be required to do one of two things, neither of which I wanted to do. I could continue to endure this continuing assault on myself, or I would be required to act.
Confrontation
Confronting someone you love with the fact that they have been causing you tremendous emotional pain is a scary prospect. How will they respond? Will they stop doing what they have been doing and try to salve your wounds? Will they stop treating you badly? What if you confront them and they become angry? What if they leave you? What if they punish you? All those are questions that produce great anxiety. Confrontation is risky behavior.
Confronting dysfunctional people is especially risky. It is especially painful because they do not receive your confrontation well, but instead project the problem back on your shoulders. They will tell you that you are the problem. The pain becomes greater.
Becoming aware of the background noise in our lives of abuse and dysfunctional relationships is only the first step in a painful process. Taking action is the next step. If the person in the relationship is not dysfunctional or disordered, they will work with you. If they are unwilling to do so, you can’t make them do so, and so the next decision is to continue the relationship as is, or to terminate it.
Awareness if the first and most painful step, but it leads to a life free of the pain of a dysfunctional relationship continually assaulting our psyches.
I grieve the loss of the loving family I never had. My confidence is shattered by the manipulations and control of the people I believed would have my best interests at heart. The dawning truth is liberating but my trust is shattered and I see a very lonely future ahead.
anam cara ~
Yes, we do have to grieve “the illusion” and it hurts, there is no two ways about it. I think our confidence is the first thing to go and perhaps the last thing to come back. But, it will come back.
While your future will be “different”, it need not be lonely. I have read your recent posts to 2B and they are so insightful and caring. It is obvious to me that you have so much to give. Take your time to rebuild your trust, in the deserving people and your confidence will return.
Thoughts and prayers are with you anam cara.
My ex p committed suicide on Saturday. I didn’t think they did that very often but he was drinking and using crack. I received 3 calls at 1:30ish within minutes of each other but was asleep and didn’t hear the phone. The police called me the next day and he had been calling me right before he hung himself. He had always threatened to kill himself and make me listen. I think that was what he had in mind and I think God intervened and kept me from getting the calls. My daughters (both adults) are crushed. He didn’t even bother to leave any type of note for his only children. My youngest is in denial and thinks one of the dealers he owed money to killed him, but I’m pretty sure it was the drugs and alcohols and not being able to see how he was going to repay the dealers and his rent, etc. next month. I wish I had answers for my daughters, but I don’t. I think this was just a cruel thing for him to do, but maybe I’m being too hard on him, a friend said he was just lost.
Dear Joss, I hear your pain, confusion and the trauma bond of still wanting to be with someone who has shown you so little love and so much devaluation.
REad here and read some more, knowledge is power, and educating ourselves about the evil beings they are will give us freedom and peace. I suggest too that you get one of Donna’s books RED FLAGS of Love fraud and read that, it will help you see and identify the red flags which will help you stay NC. and DO STAY NC because that is the only way you can heal. (((hugs))) and God bless.
dear Cathyannjones,
I’m sorry that your daughters are suffering but I think God intervened to keep you from hearing those calls.
Your friend’s comment “he was just lost” is one of those platitudes to try to make you feel better, but it is SO WRONG!
Suicide (and the calling you before he did it) and hanging is the ultimate act of malice for a psychopath. The ultimate FARK YOU! With the idea that you will feel guilty for their death the rest of your life. DON’T.
As for your daughters, it is going to be difficult for them to accept the truth, because denial of the truth is the easier of the options of accept/ don’t accept.
Also though, denial is the FIRST step in the grief process. Google Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and get some information on this process and realize that it is not a 1-2-3-4-5 process but a 1-4-2-3-4-3-5-1-2 and so on, back and forth like a roller coaster.
They are going to go through an angry stage in the grief process and so you in your own grief over all this, and grief over the pain he is still putting them through, need to be aware that sometimes the anger may be directed at you, but it will pass, so educate yourself about the grief process and how it works, for them and for you. BTW it is OKAY to be glad he is gone as well. (((hugs))) and God bless.
Thank you Ox Drover. I have such mixed feelings about his passing. He was constantly calling me with a sob story, trying to get money, cigarettes, or wanting to stay at my place (a big no). He had spoken recently about wanting to be cremeted if something happened to him. The day after I got a call from the police that he had hung himself, his gay lover called me. Everything my ex told me was a lie, they had food, he had cigarettes, he choose to move out of the guy’s house because he wanted to do what he wanted to do and the guy was still picking him up and taking him home. So, basically, he used everyone he could used and basically ignored our daughters and acted like they no longer existed. I am not glad he killed himself, but I am glad he can no long play on my emotions and try to manipulate me. The sad part was that he was a gifted artist but never wanted to put the work it took to do something with the talent. It is all just sad and I hurt because my daughters hurt.
Dear cathyannjones ~
I am so sorry for the pain you and your daughters are going through right now.
I also believe God was watching out for you that evening.
I hope, with time, your daughters will understand and heal.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your girls.
Cathyannjones, I can relate entirely….not glad he hung himself, but glad he is not going to be able to hurt you any more.
I would suggest that you get some counseling on grief, through the HOSPICE PROGRAM, Even though he was not in hospice they have group grief programs I attended one group (5 weeks) with my son and a friend of my husband’s who loved him like a father and it was very good. They are free, so maybe your daughters can attend one with you if they live close or where they live if they don’t live close.
I would suggest that you wait a month or so before you attend, but you might want to sign up soon so you can assure yourself a place. They are GREAT!
Maybe some individual counseling for your girls if they think they need it too
Dealing with a suicidal psychopathic father, and one who was gay to boot has got to be difficult for them. God bless.
cathyannjones:
I am sorry to hear that. Spath or not, I always hate to hear about suicide. Makes me sad.
((cathyannjones)),
I’m sorry you were targeted one final time by your ex-spath. This is how they play the game. They win by caring less than you do -even about their own lives. They play chicken. I’m just glad he didn’t take anyone else with him.