By | December 20, 2011 44 Comments

Beautiful Birds

Thank you for your kind comments after the Tigers post — I’m so glad that people are able to identify with what I’m saying. It kind of makes all the past ”˜bad stuff’ worthwhile”¦ you know what I mean? So again, thank you for letting me know what works — it means a lot to me.

This last weekend was my birthday and I’ve been wondering what to write for this week’s post. Do I talk about the celebration of birthdays? Or the festive season? Or perhaps the concept of rebirth and renewal? And then, all of a sudden, as I was consulting Google for a completely unrelated subject, a phrase that I had never heard of seemed to jump out of my computer screen:

“It’s the beautiful bird that gets caged”

Simple. Straight forward. Meaningful. Relevant. It’s a Chinese proverb and, as with so many ancient wisdoms, a whole story is conveyed in just a few carefully chosen words.

A Valued Prize

For me, it bears witness to the many times people have said on here (myself included) that we must have had something very special about us to make the sociopath want to control and possess us in the first place. We must have shone very brightly in order to attract a person who is only interested on winning. Someone who calculates to capture everything s/he can to make sure they come out on top. Surely it stands to reason that they would only be interested in ensnaring a valuable prize? Something that would be certain to give them the one-upmanship they crave so deeply?

And once again I am reminded to be thankful for all that I am — and yes, also for all that I was in the first place. Because, like all of us here, I must have been a worthwhile target. It stands to reason, doesn’t it?

Coming out of a sociopathic relationship (or any kind of abusive experience) the feelings of guilt, shame and self-hate can simmer and gnaw away inside, ever-defining the gaping hole that was once filled with something we believed to be love. At the same time, self-flagellation and whispering fury continue to eat away at our last remaining pieces of self-esteem “How could I have been so stupid!” “What made me so blind!” “Where have I gone so wrong!”

Sometimes the emotions explode geyser-like, full volume and highly coloured, and other times they stay rumbling beneath the surface. No matter how they come, at times they threaten to overwhelm us entirely”¦ And that is where the sociopath, even if they are no longer in our daily life, is still managing to exert their power of manipulation. Or are they”¦? Are they really inside our head? Are they really dictating our thoughts? Are they really controlling our emotions?

We Decide — Day By Day

Yes, I agree, many times it may well feel as if they are”¦ the thing is, though, it’s within our power to break free from the control-cage in which they’d held us prisoner. It’s up to us to decide what thoughts to think and what emotions to feel. Whether to lie down or stand up. Whether to give in or get out. These decisions are ours to make — and nobody and nothing can make them for us. And you know what? Every single moment of every single day we have the opportunity to choose who we’re going to be and how we’re going to live our life.

I know it can be daunting and at times seem impossible. I can understand how much it hurts and I can identify with the depths of pain and despair — both during and after such relationships. And I know it takes every ounce of courage and determination to fight back and come through — and I also know it’s worth it. Every clash. Every battle. Every small win. They all add up and they all help us to shine even more brightly than we ever did before.

For me, a huge part was looking back and honestly recognising my own value before I entered in to the relationship with my ex. It was critical to understand that I hadn’t been stupid, blind, dumb or worthless — as the proverb says, I must surely have had something pretty special about me in the first place, or he wouldn’t have wanted to trap me.

It wasn’t easy! Far from recognizing my beauty, there were times when I felt like a beaten up, washed out, brown and stubby-feathered excuse for a bird. My wings clipped, my voice vanished, I could sometimes hardly even find the strength to breathe. But, like the rest of us here, I did manage to keep breathing — and eventually I regained my strength. But it all came from a decision. From my decision.

It wasn’t a major life-changing future-defining “ah ha” of a decision. Far from it in actual fact. Nope, on a daily and sometimes a moment-by-moment basis, I decided I would find a way to survive. I would fight back and reclaim my life despite the overwhelming odds stacked against me. I would find my self-worth and appreciate myself for who I am. And slowly and surely I made steady progress.

Flying High!

I’m sure that many of you here can identify with what I’m saying, and I’m quite sure that many have had or are having tougher challenges than those I’ve faced. The thing is, though, each and every one of us is still here. Still breathing. Still carrying on. Still fighting back, whatever stage of the journey we’re on. And that, my dear friends, is what makes us such strong and shining examples of the human spirit. That is why our stories can educate and inspire others. This is how, as a group of people who’ve experienced the masked charmers and lived to tell the tale, we can set others free and prevent still more from being captured in the future.

Surely, you may be thinking to yourself, it takes a certain kind of person who would be willing to take that on board? Surely that kind of arena is reserved only for the brightest of souls, the strongest of spirits?

Yes, absolutely it does — of course! And”¦ remember, only the shining people are caged and put on show in the first place. So yes, that’s you. You are and always have been a strong and beautiful bird.

Remember Obi Wan Kenobi’s warning to Darth Vadar: “If you strike me down, I shall become even more powerful than you can ever imagine”. Well, so it is for us. Because once we’ve been through the experience of being struck down or caged, and then we find a way to break free”¦? We become even stronger, brighter and more beautiful than ever before, flying high and singing at the top of our voices, our bright, vibrant colours shimmering in the sunlight.

To each and every one of you beautiful birds out there, I salute you my friends and wish you happy holidays and an abundance of love and blessings for everyone. Thank you for reading.

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donna dixon

Beautifully written Mel and oh so true! Thank you!!

Ox Drover

Wonderful, Mel! Thank you….I love “one line wisdom” and that one is so apt to our situations.

We have though all escaped the terrible traps that held us for so long, and in some cases had to chew our emotional legs off to get out of that trap, but even that “beats the alternative” of staying in that trap for the rest of our lives!

We are FLYING FREE! A few feathers broken maybe but we are free to go and to BE the best that we can be! God bless, and thanks for this wonderful post.



Your words are medicine I’ve been having a bit of an internal battle over the past few weeks with why I allowed this loser to control me like he did. Not helpful. Too much ruminating is BAD …but it’s like a vicious circle. Emphasis on the vicious!
Thanks for extending your hand to me. This old bird is down but she ain’t out


Thanks Mel. xxoo
That was my Christmas Hug and I so appreciate it and YOU!

Happy Holidays and May you be RICHLY BLESSED.
:::tweet, tweet:::


Thank you for this perspective. It has always been very hard for me to see this side, but it is a little clearer now.
I once thought that the spath saw my weakness more than anything else. He did see them, he did exploit them. but he also did see, and told me of the virtues i have. the honestly, the morality, the kindness, patience and grace he claimed he didn’t deserve, the beauty with and intelligence. the very things he lacked and so envied, the things that allowed me to see what he was doing, and the things that caused him to leave.
in the end, he very clearly stated to me, you are too much smarter than me for this to work. that completely baffled me at first. (if i’m so smart, i thought, i can certainly find a way to make this better?) it took a while for me to realize that that was the one moment of complete truth.
he would tell me how it would be “Easier” for him to be with other women, but he chose me. i believe he chose me not only because he saw my weaknesses, but because he also saw a worthy opponent. someone he thought he would “beat”, but not without at least a little challenge or fun for him. because if you are going to play a carnival game, don’t you want the largest prize? don’t you want the largest stuffed bear there is, to show off how good you are, not the smallest which to a spath shows lack of skill and strength?
i try to remember i was prey because i was good and kind and wise and able, NOT just because i was weak or vulnerable. those things were just the crack in the door. what was behind the door was the real prize to be won.
and he didn’t win it, because it still belongs to me.


and also, happy belated birthday Mel!


and from me too
a wonderful post
a good reminder of who we were, and how our brightness is dimmed in the wrong situation when the focus is all on the partner and their desires and how we can accomodate their needs
as we free ourselves from lack of commitment and wrong love, our feathers regain their lustre
as I regain my identity I feel far more attractive than I did while in a relationship. I feel far more able to smile at strangers, maybe even flirt without the need to take it any further, feel good and so alive and just delight in myself without being limited by someone elses perceptions


Mel, you are so right about this.
They pick the shiniest people they can find because of their envy.

When I first found out about spaths from Greg, I asked him, “what did he want from me?” Greg said, “he wanted something you had.”

Greg never did explain exactly what, but now I know what it was: EVERYTHING.

I was a happy 17 year old on the cusp of a new life. I had a GREAT job, 2 european cars, and 3 boyfriends. He set me up by sabotaging my car and then offering to fix it in exchange for a date. I hadn’t even met him yet, but now I know that he stalked me, saw my MGB and sabotaged it so it wouldn’t start. Nobody could fix it. When he walked into my office to ask me out, I said, “sorry, I can’t. I have to work on my car. It won’t start.”

He said, “if I fix it, will you go out with me?”

I didn’t even ask him his name. I just handed him the keys and told him where it was parked. I was completely sure he wouldn’t be able to fix it. 15 minutes later, he drove up with the car. and BTW, it was at least a 10 minute walk to the car. I asked him, “how did you start it?”

He said, “Oh, I just propped up the carb butterfly with my cigarette butt.”


after that, I thought he was my prince in shining armor. He’s Satan.


Anyone who knows me here knows that I am not a particularly Narcissistic person. In fact, that is one of my weaknesses.

I often wondered what the x-spath saw in me, but looking back to me second date with him, I know what it was. I was with him and two of his friends at a gay bar. They were drunk and and very flirty, and to be honest, the quality of men they were flirting with was not very high.

I remember sitting next to the x-spath and looking over at his badly behaving friends and thought to myself about the x-spath regarding me, “they must think he hit the jackpot…”


That’s exactly what HE was thinking!



And the next day the drama began…





That is too funny – “they pick shiny people”.

You’re right about that!

My spath regularly told me, “everybody likes you!”.

I never responded – I kept thinking, WTF?
What weird thing to say.
I like people, they like me back, what’s the magic in THAT?

But then I realized, NOBODY LIKES HIM.
He is a bad liar, and they joke about him behind his back.

Yep, envy, cuz I am shiny!


Athena my ex used to say virtually the same thing….”everyone loves you”

He wanted what I was. Shiny. As opposed to grubby lol.


Wow that was great, for myself i have always thaught it was my (perceived) weaknesses that drew the attention of these people, i have never seen myself as anthing more than just adverage, so it had to be my weaknesses, well i think this old bird is finealy getting it LOL, blessings to all.

strongawoman, isn’t it ODD though that they can tell you “Everybody loves you!” and then tell you “No one will ever love you!” all in one breath!

Even stranger yet is that fact that we didn’t notice at the time how TOTALLY INSANE that is….


Panther, he loved to say that no one would ever love me like him!!!! I’d never find anyone to love me like he did.
He loved to bandy the word “love” around.
Now I know he hadn’t the first idea of what love was. I used to say to him… don’t like me very much never mind love me.

Waste. Of. Space……..


strongawoman: they don’t know what that terminology truly means: ‘love’. They imitate it by watching others. It’s part of the lovebombing and gaslighting….

“Love” is a commodity to them.

And, I have a link to share with you all that I was reading this morning and it helps me understand myself a little more rather than dwelling on the ‘unexplainable’….

I hope someone finds it informative and useful…


The creepazoid I knew said to me ‘you came out of nowhere….I didn’t expect you to come to me the way you did….’. Like I was some freaking angel or something that he was blessed with. Welllll….after gobs of money/clothes/travel and dinner it seems I was!

In fact he was trolling on Craigslist and I answered his ad.

I had an administrative job (which I was forced out of because of my erractic behavior as I got the life sucked out of me), my own condo, mucho savings, good friends, and considered a ‘catch’. So my feathers were pretty shiny.

I was also sad about parting from a long term partnership, and wasn’t very emotionally stable. Went into an emotional tailspin. I had a deep seated belief that I was a dreadful failure and unlovable. So I ‘punished’ myself after my separation, it was like a second adolescence. My judgement was poor and immature for awhile there. Combined with my shiny-ness I was both attractive and wounded enough to get sucked in.

Getting myself back was the same as Mel describes. I pulled myself up minute by minute. Some of those minutes were terribly bleak and absolutely black. Still, bit by bit I learned where I needed to patch up my boundaries and define my values. I dispelled lots of false beliefs about myself and the ‘world’. I started to reconnect with myself the more I treated myself with care and love and tenderness.

Thank goodness we are so resilient!!!! I hope everyone has a healing moment today…..


Ox Drover

Slimone, I think they pick us when our defenses are down, or when we are at a low ebb from other life events….the more on our plate at the time they attack, the less we are able to notice what they are doing.

I have a parrot and he is forever grooming and preening his feathers to keep them shiny and healthy looking. We also need to keep our feathers groomed and shiny! And not let the psychopaths ruffle them!

the phoenix

Great point Mel. Happy belated birthday too!

Looking back I should have seen it coming from miles off when the spath entered my life. I had a lot going FOR me because I took care OF me. I had a wonderful job, two cars, a substantial chunk of property and quite a few nice things. I was also young, thin and full of fire.

Him? No friends, living in a crappy dive appartment, no job, whining about bills, going to school for the finacial aid money to cover the rent, utilities, gas for his truck…

Now? My stuff is pretty much all gone. All of it- long gone. Why? Well if I have nothing left, how can I possibly compare any of it to his crap? That’s one way to try to dull the shine.

They view us as some sort of trophy to be achieved. But much like trophies, we are then put on a shelf to show off what they have done. Trophies sit there gathering dust. There is no maintenance or care to letting them sit there, just stare at them once in a while to relive the glory days. Because they have a lot of great stories to tell about back when…


thanks for the link. I’m not sure if that’s what I suffered from the first time we split. I was a total wreck. Couldnt eat! Lost loads of weight, which was good as I was very fat! Couldn’t sleep and basically went downhill at a massive rate of knots……8 weeks off work.

Nearly cost me my life. The symptoms sound the same. It’s not something I like to remember. Worst time of my life. And yep! After all that….I went back to him. Hadn’t had enough shiat …..needed some more. For another 3 years. Ashamed but working on that. So glad I found
this haven. Peace


Here is a hug FOR OX today: (((Ox))) 🙂
Just because…



slim: your last post is so empowering. truly.
thanks for sharing that. I so can relate.

Your strength and resilience inspires me today.
Peace and light to you dear person xxoo

Dupey Doo Duh

the phoenix

Strongawoman- I know what you mean. I was there once before. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, don’t know how I made it through the day, but I did. Only to wind up years later, married to an idiot of epic spath proportions. I sure know how to pick ’em sometimes huh?


strongawoman, you are welcome for the link. I am happy someone found it interesting and informative. I have had PTSD almost my entire lifetime but it really came to a head the past ten years, dealing with “IT”. “IT” is fortunate to have escaped so “IT” should really thank “ITS” lucky stars and move on and stop the stalking. Seriously. 🙂

How many different ways can a person say: “GET LOST”?
I am alright…I have been in therapy for the past four years. I do no medications for my PTSD due to a very serious heart condition. I don’t drink or anything – I just want to be left alone without being pushed into that final heart attack; know what I mean? I have been almost 8 months NC with “IT”, however, “IT” continues to taunt me and intrude although “IT” has been requested numerous times to stop it. There is nothing more to say. There are no words left to speak. Not one.

Although it was only a week ago that I received a communication from “IT”, “IT” has not heard one word from me for the past almost 8 months and as far as I am concerned, never will again. There is no excuse for the way things went down and forgiveness is not mine to give…that is GODS job, not mine. I won’t let it devour me but I will keep the garbage away from me from now on and that’s all there is to it.

Yes, it’s hard to break that bond; the future can look so uncertain and nobody wants to be alone but you have to remember WHO you are and what you stand for and your strengths and resilience and yes, stand up and roar: “HOLD ON A MOMENT, THIS IS MY LIFE!” Yes!! Not theirs…OURS. And just like THEY have choices, so do we.

I choose to NOT have this garbage in my life. If I can grow up as an abused child..sexually and otherwise, and make myself a decent, self sufficient life, without relying upon nor asking anyone for anything and I am not married to “IT”, I owe “IT” nothing…I have already given all I am going to give….I am not giving what little life I now have left…70% destruction of my heart muscle….they call what I have sudden cardiac death disorder…comforting; right? If I can live through my heart attack, while dealing with this crap, there really isn’t anything I can’t do, truly.

IF I CAN COME THROUGH EVERYTHING I HAVE THUS FAR IN MY LIFE, WHY should I allow such horrible and ugly things into it? I just spent my whole life trying to AVOID insanity…

I am a firm believer in ‘avoidance behaviors’. 🙂



Duped, I’m really sorry that you have been through all that. You poor thing. I realise how lucky I am when I read what some people have been through and continue to go through at the evil behest of these things!!

To suffer long term Ill health as a result of dealings with spaths is just terrible. Sending you lots of heartwarming messages of strength from someone who escaped with just a broken heart ….all the other stuff doesn’t matter. I’m lucky…. I have my health and no children with my ex.

He’s realised I’ve changed my number today. Ive had peace for 3 1/2
weeks. Got an email this morning.
Oh I so want to reply. I so want to tell him to fuck off!!!!!!

Sorry I know I shouldn’t swear but I really feel the need. He’s also txin a mutual friend with messages for me. Only today but I think WTF !!!!
He wants to know if i have any feelings for him.

Anyway, after all that mad rambling on I’m sure you’ve all gone to sleep!
I liked what you said Duped. How many ways can you tell someone to “GET LOST”


Thanks for your condolences strongawoman, I am far from being a ‘poor thing’, although I do appreciate your affections. 🙂

Oh yah, I realize how lucky I AM as well, I have heard some horrid things. I am just grateful to have escaped with my life. Seriously. I was doing really great too until I let “IT” into my world. I was on the top of the world, literally – I was into my career which took me all around the world, I was so fortunate to have seen so much of this beautiful world we live in!!! There is still so much more but I am afraid I won’t be the one seeing it and experiencing it. Not anymore. They said if I lived through the first year, I was doing good. It was a year this past October.

I have been nothing short of blessed by the Angels and I don’t take such grace lightly, strongawoman. I promised myself last New Years that this last one was going to be the LAST I spent being miserable in my OWN LIFE. My promise will be made manifest New Years Eve.

When you are being murdered from the inside out, it is worse than being tortured and frozen in the freezer. Trust me, I know. I have had to rebuild myself over the course of the past four to five years now and that isn’t easy after you have already had your mindset and your thoughts and beliefs. EVERYTHING I ever thought and believed in and valued – everything I am, I had to question and sit and sort through so that I could come to a final decision for myself and my life.

Reflecting on a lifetime of moments, hasn’t been easy. Some of the memories have been horrid and left me hiding in the closet. Some of them were what makes life worth it.

I shall never betray myself again for the sake of love.
That is all I got to say. I will never entrust anyone again with the helm of MY SHIP.

There are no rules in love and/or war except for the way we make them. WE MAKE THEM.

So help me, I am going to DIE trying to get past this….
I am doing well. I have had some amazing back up…..
Hell of a thing being an honest person and being so duped…

*HUGS* strongawoman…

Trust me, if you reply that shall only empower him.
BAD attention is as equally as rewarding as GOOD.

I never thought and sometimes still do, that I would be sitting in this spot, feeling so dreadfully horrid at this time in my life. I never thought I could do 8 months NC with someone I so adored. The mask came off and what I saw before me could rival the demon himself. That is a horrendous shock to overcome but “I” have made it to almost 8 months without speaking a word. I have bitten my tongue and tasted that hot blood in my mouth and continued on and stood true to myself irregardless of the fact that my heart was lying to me otherwise.

I am empowering MYSELF and I DESERVE to be empowered.
SO DO YOU. THIS IS OUR LIFE not theirs. And there are only so many minutes in it before we have to turn in our ticket.



Duped, thank you. It means so much that you have shared your wisdom. Truly. It takes guts to stay NC and for that long. I’m just past the 2month Mark and feeling more focused, sane, calm and in control. But alas this man …. I loved him very badly. Never loved anyone so so much. Sigh.

I cried today. First time for ages. And I was out xmas shopping of all places. The salvation army were playing Christmas carols and that set me off. Silly old moo I thought. Anyway I got over it and went on my way…shopping.

I hear you …I know now that to give him any attention, negative or otherwise is bad. For me.

Wishing you long life and happiness ….Ok longer life and extended happiness.
Thank you for your kindness. Happy new year!


Sometimes I wish I hadn’t of had to acquire this wisdom.
Thanks for the “it takes guts”…means a lot to me. It is very
difficult cutting off your right arm to save your left.

You will make it; stay strong. Life gets brighter and better on the other side. Trust me. I SOBBED for the best part of three years, non stop. I couldn’t even go in public or to the market; NO WHERE! I should have been hospitalized, I was such a mess.

I made it through though. It took me like maybe three times to mean what I said but I finally was pushed around to it. And, I do mean the things I say. Completely and absolutely.

The crying will eventually subside: just remember WHO you are and what your value and your strengths are. Okay? I have absolutely NO DOUBT you will be just fine if you follow the yellow brick road….no rain, no rainbows…

Thanks for the wishes for long life and happiness…
Right back at ya….
I am blessed to be enlightened on the ‘longer life’ part…
the happiness part…maybe in time.

Stay strong, strongawoman..
Remember who you are.
Remember your value.

Blessings to you and yours.


Bless you …. Your words touched me.

May the road rise to meet you, may the wind always be at your back.
An old Irish saying from me old Irish mum. Oh no you’ve started me off with old Irish songs lol.

“Let him go let him tarry let him sink or let him swim. He doesn’t care for me an I don’t care for him. He can go an get another an I hope he will enjoy, for I’m goin to marry a far nicer boy!”


Er and no I won’t be marrying anyone else. It’s just a song that came into my head. Ha !



I saw your post. I’ve been going NC for such a long time now. I get several weeks, then something happens. Then I start again, get more weeks, then a small set back. But each time I get further, stay NC longer, feel better. The holidays are hard.

You say you loved him – I loved my spath too – but then I have been corrected a few times on this site, because I loved the MAN I THOUGHT HE WAS, not who he ACTUALLY IS.

Can I encourage you to find ways to reach out and help other people this holiday. Bring your neighbors cookies. Give cash to a homeless man. Call a long lost cousin. The truth is, most human beings are lonley, and if you reach out to somebody who isn’t a spath, you’ll feel better, and they will too.




I am most grateful for all of the great peeps on LF. Thank you so much for helping me find happiness again. I love you all. I’ll be back after Xmas day.


Ox Drover

Merry Christmas, Athena, and happy new year!!! NC FOREVER!!!!! TOWANDA!!!


Merry Christmas ((Athena)),
and a spath free new year!


thank you for pointing that out.
I was in love with what I thought he was.

Note to self…..I will remember that message.

Thanks again and blessings to you and yours this Christmas from England xxx


I want to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! I don’t know about you, but I am soooo looking forward to a new year, new beginnings and a fresh start!! God bless all my spath overcomer friends here on Lovefraud!!! Thank you for all the brave people here sharing their stories!! Bring on 2012!!! : )

The last verbal contact I had with my spath ex (the whole incident resulted in a 3 year restraining order against him, long story) he stood there and yelled at me as I was escaping from his abuse. He yelled at me as I was running to my car “You have a good life!”, “You have a good life!” Over and over…Now you might think that sounds like a nice thing to say…NO, he was yelling at me, very angry, in a rage. At the time I thought it was bizarre, but many of the things that he did and said were bizarre and strange after his mask came off. The last couple months that I was with him I was focused on survival and physical safety. It wasn’t until later that I realized he hated me because I was normal, I had real friends, a loving family, personal joy, real faith, personal fulfillment, a passion for life, I sleep like a baby at night and I was reasonably happy…he HATED that I was normal. I have come to a place where I refuse to even waste a single brain cell trying to wrap my brain around his motives…it is a waste of my time there is something deeply broken, diabolical and malicious in him.


Sky, the butterfly clamp has to do with a valve that must be opened to work like a choke to get fuel flowing, and not flood the engine. If it is stuck closed the engine won’t start up. If he could get under the hood he could mess with things…so might have been sabotage! (I used to drive a Chevy PU with butterfly camps that needed to be forced open to start…when necessary, I used two screwdrivers to pry and hold the clamps open when I started the truck..then pulled them out before I took off.)

He was clever…like a movie introduction (that usually has a happy ending…unless, of course, the movie is shown on Lifetime for Women!)

If you’re stubborn like me, you can turn nasty statements around to your advantage. My first husband’s parting words were that I was going to lose everything…and it would be my own fault. Those were fighting words that made me determined to prove him wrong. And I did prove him wrong! …unfortunately, 6 years later I met my current husband…and have lost almost everything to #2 (just like #1 predicted).

The key word is ALMOST everything…not everything! I’ve decided to fight with all that I have left. Who knows, I might still have minor victories in sight…just need to use my brain to my advantage.

I keep reciting the Serenity Prayer.


that is probably what he did. He might have tightened it so it wouldn’t open and nobody would think to check that.

Sabotaging the aircraft of wealthy people is how he has gotten them to be greatful to him and they have given him hundreds of thousands for “saving their lives”. right.

They (and I) believed that he was actually such a great mechanic that only he could find the hidden “death traps” on their helicopters – thereby saving them from certain catastrophe. But now I know that he set them up from the beginning. And because I’ve seen that and because I know that predators stalk, I know that he stalked me for a while before he approached me. His MO is sabotaging machines. WHY did it take me so long before I saw the pattern? Am I such a believer in coincidences that I couldn’t see the pattern as being more than a string of coincidences? Or is it because they took place over a period of 25 years?

Now, I look for patterns a LOT more than I used to.


Sky, I didn’t look for patterns because I didn’t realize that nasty people create nasty patterns that work to destroy others. It’s only been in the past few years that I have come to recognize that both of my parents used patterns…back then it was called pushing someone’s buttons. I was raised to think patterns were “normal”…things that seem “normal” don’t raise an alarm.

A manipulating pattern can successfully stop another person and shut them down either in exasperation or self defense. A pattern that has worked becomes a proven defense tool that will be used over and over again. Whenever I have the gall to honestly question actions that have left me hurt, my abusers seem to know what words and actions will shut me down and stop my questions . By our actions or inaction we teach predators what weapons work against us…which words and actions work most effectively to stop us.

To break those patterns, I think we must change our reactions.

We need to figure out what “tools” we can successfully use that are likely to stop the billies and leave them as dumbfounded as they seem to leave us.

Does anyone have words/ideas as to what actions or statements might be effective against our “button pushers”?


Yes, I’mconfused, there are several things that work.
Gray rock is the first and foremost. It means to be so boring that they can’t stand to be around us and they slither away. You become boring by giving them no emotions and no reactions to the button pushing.

Milo has practiced her gray rock and has gotten very good at it. She says, “that’s nice dear.” to her spath daughter, no matter what outrageous remarks spath daughter makes.

Spaths can’t stand boring people. Dress in drab boring clothes, use no expressions on your face, don’t make any sudden moves and don’t wear anything shiny. I’m not kidding. Predators are attracted by shiny, fast moving things.

Another trick that works is laughter. Laugh at them or with them or whatever. Laughter disarms them.

Another thing is to “mix up the typewriter keys”. don’t give them the reaction that they expect. If they go into a rage, smile and tell them they are “Hot” when they’re angry.

Don’t ever let them know that they have hurt you. Act clueless.

You have to realize that there are no words that can make them see the light. They will never react like a normal human being to your honest questions.

The last and final weapon that worked on my spath was when I told him he was a psychopath and consequently, he was a simple 3 trick pony: charm, pity and rage. I explained to him that he was emotionally arrested at the stage of an infant. then, no matter what he said, I replied, “See? That’s exactly what a psychopath would say because…etc, etc. You really should stop being a psychopath because it makes you PREDICTABLE. Why don’t you let me help you stop being a psychopath?”

LOL! He really hated having his mask ripped off, he slithered away for a long time. But he’s been trying to contact me lately…

New Beginning

Mel – that is such a poignant message, thank you.


‘Predators are attracted by shiny, fast moving things.’ ah, this was my problem! just like a fishing lure.

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