Thank you for your kind comments after the Tigers post — I’m so glad that people are able to identify with what I’m saying. It kind of makes all the past ”˜bad stuff’ worthwhile”¦ you know what I mean? So again, thank you for letting me know what works — it means a lot to me.
This last weekend was my birthday and I’ve been wondering what to write for this week’s post. Do I talk about the celebration of birthdays? Or the festive season? Or perhaps the concept of rebirth and renewal? And then, all of a sudden, as I was consulting Google for a completely unrelated subject, a phrase that I had never heard of seemed to jump out of my computer screen:
“It’s the beautiful bird that gets caged”
Simple. Straight forward. Meaningful. Relevant. It’s a Chinese proverb and, as with so many ancient wisdoms, a whole story is conveyed in just a few carefully chosen words.
A Valued Prize
For me, it bears witness to the many times people have said on here (myself included) that we must have had something very special about us to make the sociopath want to control and possess us in the first place. We must have shone very brightly in order to attract a person who is only interested on winning. Someone who calculates to capture everything s/he can to make sure they come out on top. Surely it stands to reason that they would only be interested in ensnaring a valuable prize? Something that would be certain to give them the one-upmanship they crave so deeply?
And once again I am reminded to be thankful for all that I am — and yes, also for all that I was in the first place. Because, like all of us here, I must have been a worthwhile target. It stands to reason, doesn’t it?
Coming out of a sociopathic relationship (or any kind of abusive experience) the feelings of guilt, shame and self-hate can simmer and gnaw away inside, ever-defining the gaping hole that was once filled with something we believed to be love. At the same time, self-flagellation and whispering fury continue to eat away at our last remaining pieces of self-esteem “How could I have been so stupid!” “What made me so blind!” “Where have I gone so wrong!”
Sometimes the emotions explode geyser-like, full volume and highly coloured, and other times they stay rumbling beneath the surface. No matter how they come, at times they threaten to overwhelm us entirely”¦ And that is where the sociopath, even if they are no longer in our daily life, is still managing to exert their power of manipulation. Or are they”¦? Are they really inside our head? Are they really dictating our thoughts? Are they really controlling our emotions?
We Decide — Day By Day
Yes, I agree, many times it may well feel as if they are”¦ the thing is, though, it’s within our power to break free from the control-cage in which they’d held us prisoner. It’s up to us to decide what thoughts to think and what emotions to feel. Whether to lie down or stand up. Whether to give in or get out. These decisions are ours to make — and nobody and nothing can make them for us. And you know what? Every single moment of every single day we have the opportunity to choose who we’re going to be and how we’re going to live our life.
I know it can be daunting and at times seem impossible. I can understand how much it hurts and I can identify with the depths of pain and despair — both during and after such relationships. And I know it takes every ounce of courage and determination to fight back and come through — and I also know it’s worth it. Every clash. Every battle. Every small win. They all add up and they all help us to shine even more brightly than we ever did before.
For me, a huge part was looking back and honestly recognising my own value before I entered in to the relationship with my ex. It was critical to understand that I hadn’t been stupid, blind, dumb or worthless — as the proverb says, I must surely have had something pretty special about me in the first place, or he wouldn’t have wanted to trap me.
It wasn’t easy! Far from recognizing my beauty, there were times when I felt like a beaten up, washed out, brown and stubby-feathered excuse for a bird. My wings clipped, my voice vanished, I could sometimes hardly even find the strength to breathe. But, like the rest of us here, I did manage to keep breathing — and eventually I regained my strength. But it all came from a decision. From my decision.
It wasn’t a major life-changing future-defining “ah ha” of a decision. Far from it in actual fact. Nope, on a daily and sometimes a moment-by-moment basis, I decided I would find a way to survive. I would fight back and reclaim my life despite the overwhelming odds stacked against me. I would find my self-worth and appreciate myself for who I am. And slowly and surely I made steady progress.
Flying High!
I’m sure that many of you here can identify with what I’m saying, and I’m quite sure that many have had or are having tougher challenges than those I’ve faced. The thing is, though, each and every one of us is still here. Still breathing. Still carrying on. Still fighting back, whatever stage of the journey we’re on. And that, my dear friends, is what makes us such strong and shining examples of the human spirit. That is why our stories can educate and inspire others. This is how, as a group of people who’ve experienced the masked charmers and lived to tell the tale, we can set others free and prevent still more from being captured in the future.
Surely, you may be thinking to yourself, it takes a certain kind of person who would be willing to take that on board? Surely that kind of arena is reserved only for the brightest of souls, the strongest of spirits?
Yes, absolutely it does — of course! And”¦ remember, only the shining people are caged and put on show in the first place. So yes, that’s you. You are and always have been a strong and beautiful bird.
Remember Obi Wan Kenobi’s warning to Darth Vadar: “If you strike me down, I shall become even more powerful than you can ever imagine”. Well, so it is for us. Because once we’ve been through the experience of being struck down or caged, and then we find a way to break free”¦? We become even stronger, brighter and more beautiful than ever before, flying high and singing at the top of our voices, our bright, vibrant colours shimmering in the sunlight.
To each and every one of you beautiful birds out there, I salute you my friends and wish you happy holidays and an abundance of love and blessings for everyone. Thank you for reading.
Beautifully written Mel and oh so true! Thank you!!
Wonderful, Mel! Thank you….I love “one line wisdom” and that one is so apt to our situations.
We have though all escaped the terrible traps that held us for so long, and in some cases had to chew our emotional legs off to get out of that trap, but even that “beats the alternative” of staying in that trap for the rest of our lives!
We are FLYING FREE! A few feathers broken maybe but we are free to go and to BE the best that we can be! God bless, and thanks for this wonderful post.
Mel,
Your words are medicine I’ve been having a bit of an internal battle over the past few weeks with why I allowed this loser to control me like he did. Not helpful. Too much ruminating is BAD …but it’s like a vicious circle. Emphasis on the vicious!
Thanks for extending your hand to me. This old bird is down but she ain’t out
Thanks Mel. xxoo
That was my Christmas Hug and I so appreciate it and YOU!
Happy Holidays and May you be RICHLY BLESSED.
:::tweet, tweet:::
Mel
Thank you for this perspective. It has always been very hard for me to see this side, but it is a little clearer now.
I once thought that the spath saw my weakness more than anything else. He did see them, he did exploit them. but he also did see, and told me of the virtues i have. the honestly, the morality, the kindness, patience and grace he claimed he didn’t deserve, the beauty with and intelligence. the very things he lacked and so envied, the things that allowed me to see what he was doing, and the things that caused him to leave.
in the end, he very clearly stated to me, you are too much smarter than me for this to work. that completely baffled me at first. (if i’m so smart, i thought, i can certainly find a way to make this better?) it took a while for me to realize that that was the one moment of complete truth.
he would tell me how it would be “Easier” for him to be with other women, but he chose me. i believe he chose me not only because he saw my weaknesses, but because he also saw a worthy opponent. someone he thought he would “beat”, but not without at least a little challenge or fun for him. because if you are going to play a carnival game, don’t you want the largest prize? don’t you want the largest stuffed bear there is, to show off how good you are, not the smallest which to a spath shows lack of skill and strength?
i try to remember i was prey because i was good and kind and wise and able, NOT just because i was weak or vulnerable. those things were just the crack in the door. what was behind the door was the real prize to be won.
and he didn’t win it, because it still belongs to me.
and also, happy belated birthday Mel!
and from me too
a wonderful post
a good reminder of who we were, and how our brightness is dimmed in the wrong situation when the focus is all on the partner and their desires and how we can accomodate their needs
as we free ourselves from lack of commitment and wrong love, our feathers regain their lustre
as I regain my identity I feel far more attractive than I did while in a relationship. I feel far more able to smile at strangers, maybe even flirt without the need to take it any further, feel good and so alive and just delight in myself without being limited by someone elses perceptions
Mel, you are so right about this.
They pick the shiniest people they can find because of their envy.
When I first found out about spaths from Greg, I asked him, “what did he want from me?” Greg said, “he wanted something you had.”
Greg never did explain exactly what, but now I know what it was: EVERYTHING.
I was a happy 17 year old on the cusp of a new life. I had a GREAT job, 2 european cars, and 3 boyfriends. He set me up by sabotaging my car and then offering to fix it in exchange for a date. I hadn’t even met him yet, but now I know that he stalked me, saw my MGB and sabotaged it so it wouldn’t start. Nobody could fix it. When he walked into my office to ask me out, I said, “sorry, I can’t. I have to work on my car. It won’t start.”
He said, “if I fix it, will you go out with me?”
I didn’t even ask him his name. I just handed him the keys and told him where it was parked. I was completely sure he wouldn’t be able to fix it. 15 minutes later, he drove up with the car. and BTW, it was at least a 10 minute walk to the car. I asked him, “how did you start it?”
He said, “Oh, I just propped up the carb butterfly with my cigarette butt.”
right.
after that, I thought he was my prince in shining armor. He’s Satan.
Anyone who knows me here knows that I am not a particularly Narcissistic person. In fact, that is one of my weaknesses.
I often wondered what the x-spath saw in me, but looking back to me second date with him, I know what it was. I was with him and two of his friends at a gay bar. They were drunk and and very flirty, and to be honest, the quality of men they were flirting with was not very high.
I remember sitting next to the x-spath and looking over at his badly behaving friends and thought to myself about the x-spath regarding me, “they must think he hit the jackpot…”
BBE,
That’s exactly what HE was thinking!
LOL!