Thank you for your kind comments after the Tigers post — I’m so glad that people are able to identify with what I’m saying. It kind of makes all the past ”˜bad stuff’ worthwhile”¦ you know what I mean? So again, thank you for letting me know what works — it means a lot to me.
This last weekend was my birthday and I’ve been wondering what to write for this week’s post. Do I talk about the celebration of birthdays? Or the festive season? Or perhaps the concept of rebirth and renewal? And then, all of a sudden, as I was consulting Google for a completely unrelated subject, a phrase that I had never heard of seemed to jump out of my computer screen:
“It’s the beautiful bird that gets caged”
Simple. Straight forward. Meaningful. Relevant. It’s a Chinese proverb and, as with so many ancient wisdoms, a whole story is conveyed in just a few carefully chosen words.
A Valued Prize
For me, it bears witness to the many times people have said on here (myself included) that we must have had something very special about us to make the sociopath want to control and possess us in the first place. We must have shone very brightly in order to attract a person who is only interested on winning. Someone who calculates to capture everything s/he can to make sure they come out on top. Surely it stands to reason that they would only be interested in ensnaring a valuable prize? Something that would be certain to give them the one-upmanship they crave so deeply?
And once again I am reminded to be thankful for all that I am — and yes, also for all that I was in the first place. Because, like all of us here, I must have been a worthwhile target. It stands to reason, doesn’t it?
Coming out of a sociopathic relationship (or any kind of abusive experience) the feelings of guilt, shame and self-hate can simmer and gnaw away inside, ever-defining the gaping hole that was once filled with something we believed to be love. At the same time, self-flagellation and whispering fury continue to eat away at our last remaining pieces of self-esteem “How could I have been so stupid!” “What made me so blind!” “Where have I gone so wrong!”
Sometimes the emotions explode geyser-like, full volume and highly coloured, and other times they stay rumbling beneath the surface. No matter how they come, at times they threaten to overwhelm us entirely”¦ And that is where the sociopath, even if they are no longer in our daily life, is still managing to exert their power of manipulation. Or are they”¦? Are they really inside our head? Are they really dictating our thoughts? Are they really controlling our emotions?
We Decide — Day By Day
Yes, I agree, many times it may well feel as if they are”¦ the thing is, though, it’s within our power to break free from the control-cage in which they’d held us prisoner. It’s up to us to decide what thoughts to think and what emotions to feel. Whether to lie down or stand up. Whether to give in or get out. These decisions are ours to make — and nobody and nothing can make them for us. And you know what? Every single moment of every single day we have the opportunity to choose who we’re going to be and how we’re going to live our life.
I know it can be daunting and at times seem impossible. I can understand how much it hurts and I can identify with the depths of pain and despair — both during and after such relationships. And I know it takes every ounce of courage and determination to fight back and come through — and I also know it’s worth it. Every clash. Every battle. Every small win. They all add up and they all help us to shine even more brightly than we ever did before.
For me, a huge part was looking back and honestly recognising my own value before I entered in to the relationship with my ex. It was critical to understand that I hadn’t been stupid, blind, dumb or worthless — as the proverb says, I must surely have had something pretty special about me in the first place, or he wouldn’t have wanted to trap me.
It wasn’t easy! Far from recognizing my beauty, there were times when I felt like a beaten up, washed out, brown and stubby-feathered excuse for a bird. My wings clipped, my voice vanished, I could sometimes hardly even find the strength to breathe. But, like the rest of us here, I did manage to keep breathing — and eventually I regained my strength. But it all came from a decision. From my decision.
It wasn’t a major life-changing future-defining “ah ha” of a decision. Far from it in actual fact. Nope, on a daily and sometimes a moment-by-moment basis, I decided I would find a way to survive. I would fight back and reclaim my life despite the overwhelming odds stacked against me. I would find my self-worth and appreciate myself for who I am. And slowly and surely I made steady progress.
Flying High!
I’m sure that many of you here can identify with what I’m saying, and I’m quite sure that many have had or are having tougher challenges than those I’ve faced. The thing is, though, each and every one of us is still here. Still breathing. Still carrying on. Still fighting back, whatever stage of the journey we’re on. And that, my dear friends, is what makes us such strong and shining examples of the human spirit. That is why our stories can educate and inspire others. This is how, as a group of people who’ve experienced the masked charmers and lived to tell the tale, we can set others free and prevent still more from being captured in the future.
Surely, you may be thinking to yourself, it takes a certain kind of person who would be willing to take that on board? Surely that kind of arena is reserved only for the brightest of souls, the strongest of spirits?
Yes, absolutely it does — of course! And”¦ remember, only the shining people are caged and put on show in the first place. So yes, that’s you. You are and always have been a strong and beautiful bird.
Remember Obi Wan Kenobi’s warning to Darth Vadar: “If you strike me down, I shall become even more powerful than you can ever imagine”. Well, so it is for us. Because once we’ve been through the experience of being struck down or caged, and then we find a way to break free”¦? We become even stronger, brighter and more beautiful than ever before, flying high and singing at the top of our voices, our bright, vibrant colours shimmering in the sunlight.
To each and every one of you beautiful birds out there, I salute you my friends and wish you happy holidays and an abundance of love and blessings for everyone. Thank you for reading.
Great point Mel. Happy belated birthday too!
Looking back I should have seen it coming from miles off when the spath entered my life. I had a lot going FOR me because I took care OF me. I had a wonderful job, two cars, a substantial chunk of property and quite a few nice things. I was also young, thin and full of fire.
Him? No friends, living in a crappy dive appartment, no job, whining about bills, going to school for the finacial aid money to cover the rent, utilities, gas for his truck…
Now? My stuff is pretty much all gone. All of it- long gone. Why? Well if I have nothing left, how can I possibly compare any of it to his crap? That’s one way to try to dull the shine.
They view us as some sort of trophy to be achieved. But much like trophies, we are then put on a shelf to show off what they have done. Trophies sit there gathering dust. There is no maintenance or care to letting them sit there, just stare at them once in a while to relive the glory days. Because they have a lot of great stories to tell about back when…
Duped,
thanks for the link. I’m not sure if that’s what I suffered from the first time we split. I was a total wreck. Couldnt eat! Lost loads of weight, which was good as I was very fat! Couldn’t sleep and basically went downhill at a massive rate of knots……8 weeks off work.
Nearly cost me my life. The symptoms sound the same. It’s not something I like to remember. Worst time of my life. And yep! After all that….I went back to him. Hadn’t had enough shiat …..needed some more. For another 3 years. Ashamed but working on that. So glad I found
this haven. Peace
Here is a hug FOR OX today: (((Ox))) 🙂
Just because…
Dupey
slim: your last post is so empowering. truly.
thanks for sharing that. I so can relate.
Your strength and resilience inspires me today.
Peace and light to you dear person xxoo
Dupey Doo Duh
Strongawoman- I know what you mean. I was there once before. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, don’t know how I made it through the day, but I did. Only to wind up years later, married to an idiot of epic spath proportions. I sure know how to pick ’em sometimes huh?
strongawoman, you are welcome for the link. I am happy someone found it interesting and informative. I have had PTSD almost my entire lifetime but it really came to a head the past ten years, dealing with “IT”. “IT” is fortunate to have escaped so “IT” should really thank “ITS” lucky stars and move on and stop the stalking. Seriously. 🙂
How many different ways can a person say: “GET LOST”?
I am alright…I have been in therapy for the past four years. I do no medications for my PTSD due to a very serious heart condition. I don’t drink or anything – I just want to be left alone without being pushed into that final heart attack; know what I mean? I have been almost 8 months NC with “IT”, however, “IT” continues to taunt me and intrude although “IT” has been requested numerous times to stop it. There is nothing more to say. There are no words left to speak. Not one.
Although it was only a week ago that I received a communication from “IT”, “IT” has not heard one word from me for the past almost 8 months and as far as I am concerned, never will again. There is no excuse for the way things went down and forgiveness is not mine to give…that is GODS job, not mine. I won’t let it devour me but I will keep the garbage away from me from now on and that’s all there is to it.
Yes, it’s hard to break that bond; the future can look so uncertain and nobody wants to be alone but you have to remember WHO you are and what you stand for and your strengths and resilience and yes, stand up and roar: “HOLD ON A MOMENT, THIS IS MY LIFE!” Yes!! Not theirs…OURS. And just like THEY have choices, so do we.
I choose to NOT have this garbage in my life. If I can grow up as an abused child..sexually and otherwise, and make myself a decent, self sufficient life, without relying upon nor asking anyone for anything and I am not married to “IT”, I owe “IT” nothing…I have already given all I am going to give….I am not giving what little life I now have left…70% destruction of my heart muscle….they call what I have sudden cardiac death disorder…comforting; right? If I can live through my heart attack, while dealing with this crap, there really isn’t anything I can’t do, truly.
IF I CAN COME THROUGH EVERYTHING I HAVE THUS FAR IN MY LIFE, WHY should I allow such horrible and ugly things into it? I just spent my whole life trying to AVOID insanity…
I am a firm believer in ‘avoidance behaviors’. 🙂
*HUGS ALL AROUND*
Duped, I’m really sorry that you have been through all that. You poor thing. I realise how lucky I am when I read what some people have been through and continue to go through at the evil behest of these things!!
To suffer long term Ill health as a result of dealings with spaths is just terrible. Sending you lots of heartwarming messages of strength from someone who escaped with just a broken heart ….all the other stuff doesn’t matter. I’m lucky…. I have my health and no children with my ex.
He’s realised I’ve changed my number today. Ive had peace for 3 1/2
weeks. Got an email this morning.
Oh I so want to reply. I so want to tell him to fuck off!!!!!!
Sorry I know I shouldn’t swear but I really feel the need. He’s also txin a mutual friend with messages for me. Only today but I think WTF !!!!
He wants to know if i have any feelings for him.
Anyway, after all that mad rambling on I’m sure you’ve all gone to sleep!
I liked what you said Duped. How many ways can you tell someone to “GET LOST”
Thanks for your condolences strongawoman, I am far from being a ‘poor thing’, although I do appreciate your affections. 🙂
Oh yah, I realize how lucky I AM as well, I have heard some horrid things. I am just grateful to have escaped with my life. Seriously. I was doing really great too until I let “IT” into my world. I was on the top of the world, literally – I was into my career which took me all around the world, I was so fortunate to have seen so much of this beautiful world we live in!!! There is still so much more but I am afraid I won’t be the one seeing it and experiencing it. Not anymore. They said if I lived through the first year, I was doing good. It was a year this past October.
I have been nothing short of blessed by the Angels and I don’t take such grace lightly, strongawoman. I promised myself last New Years that this last one was going to be the LAST I spent being miserable in my OWN LIFE. My promise will be made manifest New Years Eve.
When you are being murdered from the inside out, it is worse than being tortured and frozen in the freezer. Trust me, I know. I have had to rebuild myself over the course of the past four to five years now and that isn’t easy after you have already had your mindset and your thoughts and beliefs. EVERYTHING I ever thought and believed in and valued – everything I am, I had to question and sit and sort through so that I could come to a final decision for myself and my life.
Reflecting on a lifetime of moments, hasn’t been easy. Some of the memories have been horrid and left me hiding in the closet. Some of them were what makes life worth it.
I shall never betray myself again for the sake of love.
That is all I got to say. I will never entrust anyone again with the helm of MY SHIP.
There are no rules in love and/or war except for the way we make them. WE MAKE THEM.
So help me, I am going to DIE trying to get past this….
I am doing well. I have had some amazing back up…..
Hell of a thing being an honest person and being so duped…
*HUGS* strongawoman…
Trust me, if you reply that shall only empower him.
BAD attention is as equally as rewarding as GOOD.
I never thought and sometimes still do, that I would be sitting in this spot, feeling so dreadfully horrid at this time in my life. I never thought I could do 8 months NC with someone I so adored. The mask came off and what I saw before me could rival the demon himself. That is a horrendous shock to overcome but “I” have made it to almost 8 months without speaking a word. I have bitten my tongue and tasted that hot blood in my mouth and continued on and stood true to myself irregardless of the fact that my heart was lying to me otherwise.
I am empowering MYSELF and I DESERVE to be empowered.
SO DO YOU. THIS IS OUR LIFE not theirs. And there are only so many minutes in it before we have to turn in our ticket.
xxoo
Duped, thank you. It means so much that you have shared your wisdom. Truly. It takes guts to stay NC and for that long. I’m just past the 2month Mark and feeling more focused, sane, calm and in control. But alas this man …. I loved him very badly. Never loved anyone so so much. Sigh.
I cried today. First time for ages. And I was out xmas shopping of all places. The salvation army were playing Christmas carols and that set me off. Silly old moo I thought. Anyway I got over it and went on my way…shopping.
I hear you …I know now that to give him any attention, negative or otherwise is bad. For me.
Wishing you long life and happiness ….Ok longer life and extended happiness.
Thank you for your kindness. Happy new year!
Sometimes I wish I hadn’t of had to acquire this wisdom.
Thanks for the “it takes guts”…means a lot to me. It is very
difficult cutting off your right arm to save your left.
You will make it; stay strong. Life gets brighter and better on the other side. Trust me. I SOBBED for the best part of three years, non stop. I couldn’t even go in public or to the market; NO WHERE! I should have been hospitalized, I was such a mess.
I made it through though. It took me like maybe three times to mean what I said but I finally was pushed around to it. And, I do mean the things I say. Completely and absolutely.
The crying will eventually subside: just remember WHO you are and what your value and your strengths are. Okay? I have absolutely NO DOUBT you will be just fine if you follow the yellow brick road….no rain, no rainbows…
Thanks for the wishes for long life and happiness…
Right back at ya….
I am blessed to be enlightened on the ‘longer life’ part…
the happiness part…maybe in time.
Stay strong, strongawoman..
Remember who you are.
Remember your value.
Blessings to you and yours.