Every week, a chapter of my book, “Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned” (available via Amazon.com, just click on the title or book cover) will be published here on Lovefraud. To read prior chapters, please see the links at the bottom of the post.
Chapter 46A: Divorcing A Sociopath—Round I
As we discussed dissolving our marriage, Paul’s initial strategy was to act kind and generous. He urged me to follow his lead, and everything would be all right. I asked him if he was involved with another woman—not that it made a difference. I just wanted to know. He assured me he wasn’t dating anyone and laughed at the absurdity of the idea.
A few weeks after he left, we met at a coffee shop for him to review his proposal for our divorce. Paul suggested that neither of us hire a lawyer so as to preserve our assets, which were dwindling quickly due to his financial situation at work and the fact we were now supporting two household locations. I should purchase the house from him, keep physical custody of the kids and, per the laws of the Utah, I would be required to stay in Utah with Daniel and Jessica. Paul, if he chose, would be able to relocate anywhere in the country and pay me minimal alimony and child support (not even enough to cover the current mortgage). This was more than generous, he believed, because he was currently making no money. Seeing as I had an MBA from Yale, I should be able to get a job immediately, pulling in a $100,000+ salary. Also, even though I was legally entitled to half of his portion of his company, A-M-P Consulting Solutions had no actual value aside from Paul and Anne-Marie’s personal brilliance (which, by law, belonged to them alone).
“If you’re a good mother and really care about the kids,” he said with his hypnotic, velvety voice, “you’ll get this over with quickly—for their sake. Don’t get a lawyer or do anything to deplete our assets. Anyway, you’ll need that money to live on until you get a job. Onna, it’s the right thing to do. And you’ve wanted to work again for a long time. It’ll be great.”
Paul’s gentle, lyrical voice, concerned countenance, and deep, loving eyes were like a siren’s song, drawing me ever closer to my demise. “It’s what’s best for Daniel and Jessica. Don’t you love your children? Don’t you want to be a good mother? Don’t put yourself and the children through a messy, painful divorce. I’ve heard of even very wealthy people draining all of their assets arguing over the value of a business. And we’re not starting out with that much. Onna, you are over fifty now. Don’t do anything stupid.”
“Paul, I haven’t worked full-time since Jessica was born. I’ve invested most of the last fifteen years of my life in the kids, their health, their future, and in you—to give you no distractions while you built your company. Finding meaningful work again now, at my age, out here—it’s not going to be easy. Everyone knows that. This doesn’t make any sense.”
“Of course it does, Onna. I haven’t hired a lawyer yet, but I’ve talked to several, and they all think this is beyond generous, especially with your education. Assuming you can make six-figures right away is conservative. Most judges would hold you accountable for more. In fact, the lawyers I spoke with said I was giving away way too much and that I was foolish to be so generous. But I want to do the right thing. And, Onna, we both know you had absolutely nothing to do with my success. Since you are such an ethical person, it would be wrong to claim any right to it. Someone as honest and ethical as you would never do that.”
Locking me in his enchanting, seductive gaze, his voice now almost poetic, calming, soothing, Paul continued, “I’ve drawn up the papers. Just sign right here, and we’ll be done. I’ll file them. I’ll take care of everything. We’ll be divorced in a few weeks. Simple, painless, easy. We’ll both be so much happier, and the kids, too.”
“At least agree that I can leave Utah with the kids,” I said. “It’ll be a lot easier for me to restart a career back East.”
“No. The law’s clear. To take the kids out of Utah you need the other parent’s agreement or a judge. Judges here almost never agree to that, and I’ll fight to have the kids stay here. Even though I’ll be traveling a lot, I’ll make it clear that Utah is my permanent home. You’ll just spend a lot of money, and you’ll lose. It’ll be fine. It’s so beautiful here. It’ll be fine.”
The quiet, even quality of Paul’s speech was so hypnotic that I had to shake free from the voice beckoning me to the crags, a voice trying to distract me from the absurdity of what Paul was proposing. Interestingly, a 1998 study found that, compared to male nonpsychopaths, male psychopaths speak more quietly and with less variation in emphasis between neutral and potentially emotional words. Perhaps this is some of what contributed to Paul’s spellbinding vocal delivery.
“Paul, I am going to work with a lawyer,” I said. “I don’t want this to get adversarial or take a long time, but it’s a very important decision at this point in my life.”
“Onna, that’s not necessary,” Paul said, his face still soft, his tone gentle. “It’s a great offer, really generous. If you get a lawyer and we start spending lots of money … ” Paul tilted his head down, sighed, and shook his head, then looked up at me as if to say, Come on, sign the papers, Onna. You can do it. Just sign the papers.
“Yes, I’m sure,” I said. “Getting a lawyer is what people do.”
The sweet, reassuring smile left Paul’s face. “You fucking bitch!” Paul shouted.
People in the coffee shop turned in our direction.
“You’ll regret this. I’ll go after the kids. I’ll make sure you never see Jessica. I’ll hire someone to prove you should be making six figures, and the only reason you haven’t worked full-time is that you’re a lazy bitch. I owe you nothing! A lawyer told me it would look bad that I’ve moved out. I’m moving back in tonight. Either take this deal or you’ll be sorry—really sorry!”
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Notes
Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my book have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.
We are in counseling, and his objective is to get the counselor to fix me
Yes, a Classic P. con. Mine suggested marriage counseling long after there was anything left to save. Thankfully I refused. Turns out that even though you are separated, if a couple is in counseling they are legally still considered together. This would have enabled plenty of $$ shenanigans. Same kind of reaction – from crocodile tears and apologies to open hatred and declarations that I would never see a penny of our assets. This “switch” took zero seconds when I did not agree to his request for counseling. Still, it is shocking to see the real person when the mask comes off. Please see my book on the subject here: https://www.amazon.com/Tales-Psychopaths-Playground-Memoir-Hass-ebook/dp/B072HMXXK9/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1497363418&sr=1-1&keywords=tales+from+the+psychopaths+playground
Yep. He went from crying and telling me he couldn’t live without me, we were soul mates, he had waited his whole life…blah blah blah. Then I say ‘no, I do not want to have an ongoing relationship with you’.
Then, in an instant, he switches to telling me his friends warned HIM that I was a sociopath, that I was heartless, selfish, lacked empathy, and was ‘playing a game’ with him. Mind you, he is in the mental health industry, AND I had shared some of my background with him. So, he went right to the jugular and projected his illness onto me. In about 2 minutes. Was quite interesting to watch with this person, as I was onto him after a very short time, and had managed my feelings pretty well. I didn’t feel devastated, more extremely annoyed and disgusted.
This was my last personal encounter with one of these types. He proceeded to stalk me for nearly 5 years.
I saw this a LOT, nice and sweet one minute, mean as a junkyard dog the next minute, when I would innocently say something next. The crying, the tears, the rages all off and on, before you knew what hit you. I never was able to figure out just what would set him off, it was often a trifle matter..
I saw this in a woman who was supposed to be a helpful volunteer.
Oh, so familiar. One of my ex’s “trademarks” was his soft, soothing voice and shy little boy smile…little did I know how they could turn rough, abusive, hateful and gut twisting in an instant. After he abandoned me with no warning, unemployed and in a new city alone in the expensive new home we had bought together “for our future”, he gave me the silent treatment for months before sending a series of very roughly worded emails criticizing everything about me, detailing my wrongs, urging me to seek professional help for my supposed disorders and attacking me for turning into a completely different person as soon as I had gotten him to “sign on the dotted line” to buy the house and ruining HIS life, and finally, demanding that I immediately list the “piece of crap” house for sale…and we would work out details later. At this point I consulted with an attorney and from that point on, all communication was through her. I know this made the top of his head blow off with fury, since I wasn’t following instructions and doing what I was told. He refused to sign listing agreements for close to a year while I carrying the whole financial load. He refused to sign the agreements my attorney prepared covering the financial details of the house sale and the split of the responsibilities and funds. All of this was carefully crafted to bleed me dry of all my savings and destroy me financially. One day I received a handwritten letter from him written in that soft, soothing voice (uh oh) telling me that all he cared about was being fair to me, making me whole financially and enclosed was the signed listing agreement (but not the financial agreement) so the house could be listed along with a plea that we could work out all the financial details when the house was sold…that he would make sure I had enough money to buy another house, we could work together, and NO ATTORNEYS WERE NECESSARY. Well you know I took that letter straight to my attorney. He was forced to hire his own to work with her, and I could feel the fury from 800 miles away. The house eventually sold for much less than we paid for it, I lost my shirt but gained my freedom. He married his new girlfriend shortly afterward. The house sold in 2014 and I haven’t heard from him since. In the past few months, I’ve gotten several notifications from LinkedIn that his wife has looked at my profile…I don’t know if that’s her, or him logging in as her, but my antenna is up at this apparent spike in interest. I stay almost invisible online but of course, my LinkedIn profile shows my location and employer and there are other ways to find a person. I’m really keeping an eye on things.