After much contemplation, I decided I’d like to continue along the theme of last week’s post since the sense of ”˜thoughts becoming things’ seems to be becoming even more important to me at the moment. And from the energetic conversation threads from last week it appears to be quite an emotive subject for people here as well!
The picture I’ve chosen this week is the classic “Hag or Beautiful Young Woman” illustration that shows there can be two very different sides to the same situation, depending on our perception. I often use it to remind myself, when I’m having a “Hag” of a day, to change my perspective and seek out the “Beautiful Young Woman—¦. She’s always there somewhere”¦ 😉
I’d like to start off by saying that I do not purport to have all the answers — far from it in actual fact. It occurs to me that the old saying “the older you get the less you know” actually holds a great deal of truth”¦ because these days, even though it stands to reason that I have more knowledge and experience than ever before; it’s equally true to say that I have even more questions in my quest to really know the answers. Still, I guess you could say that’s what keeps us curious to grow and learn eh? Even though, it must be said, there are times when I manage to drive even myself mad with my sometimes-obsessive drive to understand!
Positive Thinking
So I’d like to explain a little about my pathway — and why this quest is so important to me. The very first self-help I ever picked up was Norman Vincent Peale’s “The Power Of Positive Thinking” — first published back in 1952, decades before the concept of positive thinking was in our regular vocabulary, and a lifetime before the emergence of mainstream New Age! I can have been no more than 19 years old when I picked it up for the first time, and I remember being somewhat sceptical about the messages contained in it. I remember feeling pretty annoyed at times — angry even — when it occured to me that if what the author was saying was in any way true, then it implied that I was to blame for my personal circumstances. At that time, both parents were already dead, and my little sister and I had recently been evicted from our guardian’s home. So life was pretty grim.
“And this idiot here is trying to say it’s all been my fault? Who on earth does he think he is? He has no idea whatsoever about me or what’s happened to me!” I would fume, slamming the book shut and stomping off to find a coffee or cigarette — my two regular crutches in those days. The fury and indignance passed, however, once I began to get a glimpse of the real message. It suddenly dawned on me that this book and its ideas were offering me a new way of approaching things. A new way that gave me the promise that I really could change my life for the better. A glimmer of hope in what for me had become a dark and dreary existence full of hopelessness and pain.
That’s where it all began, all those years ago. Since then I’ve devoured hundreds of books and cassettes (yes, way before the time of CDs or downloads!) and attended a myriad of workshops. I’ve also trained in various therapies including Louise L Hay, NLP, Coaching, Reiki, Hypnosis, Breathwork and Firewalking. And so far as I can see, the underlying message is basically the same — that the more we become aware of and flex our thoughts, feelings and behaviour, the more we can determine the quality of our life. Also, the more we can honestly assess what kind of experiences are showing up in our life, the more we can identify where our thoughts and beliefs are sitting, so we can then check whether or not we’re on the right track.
Opportunity Instead Of Blame
I am NOT saying that we deliberately invited sociopathic individuals in to our lives. I am NOT saying that it’s our ”˜fault’. That we must have been thinking ”˜wrong’ thoughts, or giving praise to the ”˜wrong deity’ or following the ”˜wrong’ leadership. Far from it. What I AM saying is that from my own experiences, having recognised — truly recognised — what had been happening to me, I have found ways to move through the experience and find a deeper sense of peace and joy as a result. It’s not about blame”¦ it’s about opportunity. Grabbing the chance to create something different.
And from where I am right now, I’ve realised that there are far more levels to all of this than I could possibly have comprehended at the time. I know in my heart and soul that I have lived and breathed coaching and motivation for more years than I care to consider — and that the techniques I learned and fine-tuned along the way have helped me to create a fulfilling life. I also know that I’ve been lucky enough to make a positive difference in the lives of many hundreds of people.
I’m also holding my hand up right now to admit “I didn’t fully understand it all then”¦ and I still don’t now” – and still I know I did some great work. But I DO acknowledge that I am ”˜getting it’ more and more as time passes — particularly since the relationship with my ex.
For example, last week I wrote about ”˜loving myself the way I am’ — and at the same time not expressing frustrations. My reason for doing that makes perfect sense. If thoughts become things, then let’s change ”˜bad’ things in to good — then all that can ever happen is good. Right?
Wrong. The trick I believe I missed was to accept whatever emotions or frustrations that were happening at the time. Thinking about them and accepting them was never going to make them any stronger or pose any threat! Far from it. By acknowledging my natural ”˜humanness’ and just allowing myself to ”˜be’ then I can accept every single aspect — everything — without criticism or blame. And I can then just let it go. Let the angry, worried, frightened (whatever the ”˜bad’ stuff happened to be) emotions wash through and past me — while I waved them “Bon Voyage”.
No Regrets
People often ask me whether I think I actively invited a sociopathic personality in to my life. Whether on some level I ”˜deserved’ the cruel treatment I received — from my ex as well as from the people in my past. My honest response is this. It doesn’t matter to me where the pain comes from. Who delivers it. Why they’re here. Or what I did to ”˜invite’ or ”˜allow’ it to happen to me. Rather than dwell too much on the bad situations or people that turn up, or try to label them ”˜sociopathic’ ”˜abuser’ ”˜narcissist’ or any other name, I choose instead to focus on what I can now do about my circumstances. Just like accepting my humanness, I will acknowledge and accept that what happened was wrong and hurtful”¦ and then I’ll do my very best to let it go. And that process may well take some time. Good. I can take all the time I like, because it’s important to honour and accept what happened and how I felt, so that I can move through and past it freely and with joy. While doing that, I also reflect back and do my very best to find the ”˜gift’ in the experience — so that I can be certain to recognise and deal with it should a similar person or situation appear again.
But it’s taken me a long time to reach this level of understanding. It’s been a harrowing journey at many times. And, as I said right at the beginning”¦ I’m not saying I have all the answers. Heck, it may well turn out that I don’t have any answers at all — I may be totally wrong in what I’m thinking and believing at the moment! But….
You know what, though? When I look outside at my life that’s surrounding me right now, and compare it to what it’s been”¦. Even running a mental check right back through the years to my childhood”¦. I can honestly say that I feel happier, more settled, and more content than I can ever remember before. And I know, I absolutely know in my heart of hearts that this is just the beginning.
As Louise Hay says “Our thoughts create our reality, and a thought can be changed in a moment”. Every day is a new day, and right now it’s the most fulfilling adventure I’ve ever experienced!
Love and blessings to all — even more than you’ve imagined before 🙂
PS — if anyone fancies experiencing a giggle about the typically good old-fashioned British humour that I grew up with, here’s a link to Morecombe and Wise singing about “Positive Thinking” from their 1976 Christmas special”¦ it always makes me smile http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKN7aWTUrIU
Perfectly written article for me…thank you…
I have a few index cards that I read every morning. One of them says:
I have patience with myself and others. I accept myself where I am today. I surround myself with people who accept my humaness as I accept theirs. I am a friend to myself.
#2) I am open and aware of new information that provides me with “life-giving” experiences. I think these things through
before acting on them.
Thank you again for such a compassionate article.
Mel, your article above totally and completely says what I hav e”preached” here on LF for quite some time. My response is going to be short though I’d like to write more I am using my right hand to “hunt and peck” type. My parrot just got my finger between his beak (he got pithed at me for some unknown reason) and broke my middle finger which is swollen up double size and can[‘t be touched to the key board or bent at all. LOL ROTFLAMO now I have a cast on one foot and the hand on that same side is useless!
Good one. Thanks
I see it you’ve reached smart. You don’t become smart till you realize that there is more you’ll never know then what you can know. Before that we just act smart. The perception, the illusion is everything.
When I saw this with the understood that I’m still growing and can continue to grow the rest of my life. A lot of pressure just lifted off my shoulders.
Another one “Everybody can do what they want but so can I.” If I want to be a friend then I treat the other person like a friend. If he doesn’t treat me as a friend I just move on. no foul, no blame.
Plus getting rid of limiting beliefs.
You’ve probably read James Allen’s “As a Man Thinketh” another good book along these lines.
“The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz
The First Agreement – Be Impeccable with Your Word
The Second Agreement – Don’t Take Anything Personally
The Third Agreement – Don’t Make Assumptions
The Fourth Agreement – Always Do Your Best
Don Miguel Ruiz also wrote “The five Agreements” like part of it but disagree with parts.
Thanks was wondering where I was going to work this in.
Nlp to me is just a tool not an end in it’s self.
My 2 Cents
This part I liked.
Quote off of Amazon:
“The Fifth Agreement” asks us to be skeptical and use discernment when listening others, and to understand that everyone has his or her own perspective and agenda reflected in their words. It is up to us to discern the truth behind the words, but always to be respectful of another’s right to his or her views, even if we don’t share them. Each of us is the artist of our own life, the director of our own play, and we can make it an adventure or a drama – heaven or hell, it’s up to us.
Mel, I cannot remember where I read it (CRS) but I read that research shows that people with PTSD have trouble seeing those “double” pictures like you used at the top. I had always liked those pictures and even saw a painter who did them out in LA in the days that I lived there. AWESOME pictures. My grandfather also had a copy of that “vanity’ picture in his office, the one where the woman is sitting at her mirror, and if you look at it you can also see the drawing is of a skull.
Funny thing, I now have GREAT difficulty seeing both pictures in most of them. I am familiar with the beauty/hag picture you posted, but I can ONLY see the Hag now. I have noticed this with other of this type of picture that I now have difficulty seeing both pictures. I called my son D over to look at it, I thought he might be able to pointout “where” the beauty was and I could seeit and danged if he couldn’t see the beauty eaither. It is frustrating him as well…he has a file on his computer of the double pictures and he is trying to fin dit now. He is as frustrated as I am. LOL excuse the typing.
Oxy,
I’m just the opposite. I can ONLY see the beauty! LOL Maybe if I go cross eyed I’ll be able to see it. I’m gonna keep trying, I’ll let you know what works.
Sorry to hear about your finger, ouch!
Ox, I can only see the Hag too!! LOL!..let us know if you find out how to find the beauty….that is so funny, strange!!
I am sorry. This is not an attack, but I just can’t buy this.
We had an article this week about a 10-year-old boy who ran in terror down a street only to be returned to his stepfather to be beaten to death with a rolling pin (70 blows) with his mouth stuffed and taped. Why? Accroding to his stepfather, the kid fell behind with his homework.
We had an article here about 150 Mennonite women and children, including a 3-year-old girl, being savagely raped after being drugged by a gang of men from their faith. This went on for years.
A mother and her daughter are dead in Tennessee with two young girls still missing. The husband/father gets to sit and wait. We do not know what the two missing girls witnessed. We don’t know what any of these four went through.
What “opportunity” did these people have?
I agree that there is much that we can do to change our perspectives and to grow. I also agree that we can grow spiritually from our experiences. What I do not agree with, though, is my thoughts created my experiences.
I want the demons and stinkin’ thinkin’ out of my head. I have devoted my life to improving myself through many different means. I have refused to let “them” destroy me.
I have read most of these books that you mentioned. I know about Lousie Hay. I try to see the positive, but it isn’t always there.
I certainly can see the self-defeatism in “I can’t do this,” but thinking is not a fairy godmother granting wishes or making the atrocities things go away.
Not everybody has the option to ignore certain things in their lives.
This isn’t to get into a debate, but by way of illustration, the Bible says that people will do horrible things to each other, up to and including murder. The opportunity, I guess, is the Bible says a person can put their faith in God and look to eternal life.
The Bible acknowledges “long suffering.” That’s for the people whose circumstances never change or get worse. That doesn’t make those circumstances right, but at least they get acknowledged for what they are.
What the Bible doesn’t say, though, is that people who go through “long suffering” are in that position because their thoughts got them there or that they are there for “opportunities,” other than to strengthen their faith.
The Bible says that people can do monstrous things to each other and that God sees it all. Meanwhile, some of us will suffer and may even pay with our lives.
Why I prefer the Bible to this kind of teaching is that the Bible holds everyone accountable for his or actions.
To me, this type of thinking always strikes me as, “If your life sucks, it’s because of how you think. If you don’t have all the material things one could want or a life filled with love, friends, and happiness, you’ve done something wrong. Your thinking is off.” Life isn’t that simple.
I have never come across anything, in this type of thinking, that says, “People do rotten, lousy things to others because people are very capable of doing rotten, lousy things.” There’s not just a page missing from this kind of thinking, but whole chapters.
You mentioned, Mel, that you look at your circumstances now. The sad reality is that there are many people for whom their circumstances never improve and sometimes, even get much worse.
For something like this to have validity for me, it needs to work in every situation and apply to everyone. Since it obviously doesn’t and can’t, I feel strongly it re-victimizes victims.
Even worse, it trivializes and invalidates the very real pain that others go through. It’s real easy to tell others, “This is all you have to do” when you yourself have it good and are sitting in a safe and comfortable place. Try walking in the chronically downtrodden’s shoes for a long time with no sign of getting out of it and tell somebody that “This is all you have to do.”
This is magical thinking.
If it is all that great and all that powerful, why haven’t its devotees changed the world into a beautiful and perfect place? That is what people are supposed to think, right? Beautiful and wonderful things? If this type of thinking is so powerful, where are the results?
None of this is to say that this thinking doesn’t have a place or “some” validity. It’s incomplete, to me, and it always strikes me as promoting itself as complete and “the solution.”
I just look at the world. I hear, feel, and see the suffering, and I ask, “Where are the results?” Can I see beauty in life? Certainly, even in the worst of circumstances, but this kind of thinking is not a cure all or panacea.
For me, the thinking is lacking/incomplete. There has to be something else or something more. My spirituality is about raising all of humanity. This thinking strikes me as being out for myself.
Please, Mel, don’t take this in any way as an attack or challenge on you or your beliefs. It isn’t. I’ve heard this argument before, and this is where I landed in the debate.
It is simply my opinion.
it helps to unfocus your eyes when you look at the pictures, but I can’t get this one either. And it is not like I haven’t done it before. My son didn’t find his file of 2-photos. Does anyone know what they are called? there is a name for them but I forget what it is.
Mel, I just love your thought process. I love the idea of feeling through the emotions. Letting them go through us and then saying goodbye to them. Lord knows that I made myself sick trying to deny the painful emotions. Now I get that if I acknowledge the pain of the emotions, I am better able to heal.
I’m not sure if it was as much as my thinking that brought the abusers in my life as it was the emotional need I had. I so desperately wanted to be loved. And because I didn’t know how to love myself, I turned to the ones who I thought would fill that void. Not all of those people were abusers, but the ones who I counted on the most like my parents and my ex turned out to be the worst abusers of my love. The trauma of them not loving me is what caused me to sink into a deeper hole of unworthyness.
Yet, there was still a deep resource of strength within me that allowed me to recognize that I deserved better and that I wanted better. And eventually that strength provided me with the courage to face the truth and get help.
I am forever grateful for that divine gift of inner strength to finally be honest with myself.
Much love to you, Mel!!