After much contemplation, I decided I’d like to continue along the theme of last week’s post since the sense of ”˜thoughts becoming things’ seems to be becoming even more important to me at the moment. And from the energetic conversation threads from last week it appears to be quite an emotive subject for people here as well!
The picture I’ve chosen this week is the classic “Hag or Beautiful Young Woman” illustration that shows there can be two very different sides to the same situation, depending on our perception. I often use it to remind myself, when I’m having a “Hag” of a day, to change my perspective and seek out the “Beautiful Young Woman—¦. She’s always there somewhere”¦ 😉
I’d like to start off by saying that I do not purport to have all the answers — far from it in actual fact. It occurs to me that the old saying “the older you get the less you know” actually holds a great deal of truth”¦ because these days, even though it stands to reason that I have more knowledge and experience than ever before; it’s equally true to say that I have even more questions in my quest to really know the answers. Still, I guess you could say that’s what keeps us curious to grow and learn eh? Even though, it must be said, there are times when I manage to drive even myself mad with my sometimes-obsessive drive to understand!
Positive Thinking
So I’d like to explain a little about my pathway — and why this quest is so important to me. The very first self-help I ever picked up was Norman Vincent Peale’s “The Power Of Positive Thinking” — first published back in 1952, decades before the concept of positive thinking was in our regular vocabulary, and a lifetime before the emergence of mainstream New Age! I can have been no more than 19 years old when I picked it up for the first time, and I remember being somewhat sceptical about the messages contained in it. I remember feeling pretty annoyed at times — angry even — when it occured to me that if what the author was saying was in any way true, then it implied that I was to blame for my personal circumstances. At that time, both parents were already dead, and my little sister and I had recently been evicted from our guardian’s home. So life was pretty grim.
“And this idiot here is trying to say it’s all been my fault? Who on earth does he think he is? He has no idea whatsoever about me or what’s happened to me!” I would fume, slamming the book shut and stomping off to find a coffee or cigarette — my two regular crutches in those days. The fury and indignance passed, however, once I began to get a glimpse of the real message. It suddenly dawned on me that this book and its ideas were offering me a new way of approaching things. A new way that gave me the promise that I really could change my life for the better. A glimmer of hope in what for me had become a dark and dreary existence full of hopelessness and pain.
That’s where it all began, all those years ago. Since then I’ve devoured hundreds of books and cassettes (yes, way before the time of CDs or downloads!) and attended a myriad of workshops. I’ve also trained in various therapies including Louise L Hay, NLP, Coaching, Reiki, Hypnosis, Breathwork and Firewalking. And so far as I can see, the underlying message is basically the same — that the more we become aware of and flex our thoughts, feelings and behaviour, the more we can determine the quality of our life. Also, the more we can honestly assess what kind of experiences are showing up in our life, the more we can identify where our thoughts and beliefs are sitting, so we can then check whether or not we’re on the right track.
Opportunity Instead Of Blame
I am NOT saying that we deliberately invited sociopathic individuals in to our lives. I am NOT saying that it’s our ”˜fault’. That we must have been thinking ”˜wrong’ thoughts, or giving praise to the ”˜wrong deity’ or following the ”˜wrong’ leadership. Far from it. What I AM saying is that from my own experiences, having recognised — truly recognised — what had been happening to me, I have found ways to move through the experience and find a deeper sense of peace and joy as a result. It’s not about blame”¦ it’s about opportunity. Grabbing the chance to create something different.
And from where I am right now, I’ve realised that there are far more levels to all of this than I could possibly have comprehended at the time. I know in my heart and soul that I have lived and breathed coaching and motivation for more years than I care to consider — and that the techniques I learned and fine-tuned along the way have helped me to create a fulfilling life. I also know that I’ve been lucky enough to make a positive difference in the lives of many hundreds of people.
I’m also holding my hand up right now to admit “I didn’t fully understand it all then”¦ and I still don’t now” – and still I know I did some great work. But I DO acknowledge that I am ”˜getting it’ more and more as time passes — particularly since the relationship with my ex.
For example, last week I wrote about ”˜loving myself the way I am’ — and at the same time not expressing frustrations. My reason for doing that makes perfect sense. If thoughts become things, then let’s change ”˜bad’ things in to good — then all that can ever happen is good. Right?
Wrong. The trick I believe I missed was to accept whatever emotions or frustrations that were happening at the time. Thinking about them and accepting them was never going to make them any stronger or pose any threat! Far from it. By acknowledging my natural ”˜humanness’ and just allowing myself to ”˜be’ then I can accept every single aspect — everything — without criticism or blame. And I can then just let it go. Let the angry, worried, frightened (whatever the ”˜bad’ stuff happened to be) emotions wash through and past me — while I waved them “Bon Voyage”.
No Regrets
People often ask me whether I think I actively invited a sociopathic personality in to my life. Whether on some level I ”˜deserved’ the cruel treatment I received — from my ex as well as from the people in my past. My honest response is this. It doesn’t matter to me where the pain comes from. Who delivers it. Why they’re here. Or what I did to ”˜invite’ or ”˜allow’ it to happen to me. Rather than dwell too much on the bad situations or people that turn up, or try to label them ”˜sociopathic’ ”˜abuser’ ”˜narcissist’ or any other name, I choose instead to focus on what I can now do about my circumstances. Just like accepting my humanness, I will acknowledge and accept that what happened was wrong and hurtful”¦ and then I’ll do my very best to let it go. And that process may well take some time. Good. I can take all the time I like, because it’s important to honour and accept what happened and how I felt, so that I can move through and past it freely and with joy. While doing that, I also reflect back and do my very best to find the ”˜gift’ in the experience — so that I can be certain to recognise and deal with it should a similar person or situation appear again.
But it’s taken me a long time to reach this level of understanding. It’s been a harrowing journey at many times. And, as I said right at the beginning”¦ I’m not saying I have all the answers. Heck, it may well turn out that I don’t have any answers at all — I may be totally wrong in what I’m thinking and believing at the moment! But….
You know what, though? When I look outside at my life that’s surrounding me right now, and compare it to what it’s been”¦. Even running a mental check right back through the years to my childhood”¦. I can honestly say that I feel happier, more settled, and more content than I can ever remember before. And I know, I absolutely know in my heart of hearts that this is just the beginning.
As Louise Hay says “Our thoughts create our reality, and a thought can be changed in a moment”. Every day is a new day, and right now it’s the most fulfilling adventure I’ve ever experienced!
Love and blessings to all — even more than you’ve imagined before 🙂
PS — if anyone fancies experiencing a giggle about the typically good old-fashioned British humour that I grew up with, here’s a link to Morecombe and Wise singing about “Positive Thinking” from their 1976 Christmas special”¦ it always makes me smile http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKN7aWTUrIU
This may help see the beauty in the hag. The bottom of the nose of the hag is the jaw line of the beauty. Follow it down then up the nose. The hump in the nose is the cheek of the beauty. Past the hump were it indents is the beauty’s eye. You can see Eye lashes. The hags eye is the beauty’s ear. The hags mouth is the beauty’s necklace. To see the beauty focus on the indention of the nose. The beauty is looking away.
Thank you spoon, I see her. I remember now. I have had trouble “seeing” the 2 pictures in this kind of drawing since the plane crash, and I read somewhere (can’t remember where) that people with PTSD do have trouble with this kind of picture. Thanks I am not sure I could have ever figured out or remembered either (this is one I knew in the past) Frustrating! I appreciate your help you described it well.
the sisterhood
“I’m not sure if it was as much as my thinking that brought the abusers in my life as it was the emotional need I had.”
Try seeing it this way. My thinking, created the emotional need I had that made me vulnerable to the lies of the abuser. You wanted to believe him. It may be that you needed to believe. The pain of believing that we are not loved or unlovable is a very powerful motivator.
What I’ve learned is that what we didn’t get as a child cannot be gotten from others but must come from ourselves. A friend of mine said that her parents didn’t love her which she believed made her unlovable. This belief about herself locked her into a no win situation. She was looking to everyone else to make her feel loved. To make her better. But it would only last for a moment. Then she was back to, I’m unlovable. And everything she did made the problem worse. Her self fulfilling prophecy. But the problem wasn’t that her parents didn’t love her for that was a problem of the past. It was that she believed she was unlovable, now. The parents not loving her is very painful and next to impossible for a child to understand, but was not her fault. Even if her parents had a change of heart now and started treating her with love. It wouldn’t change a thing. She now believed with the evidence of failed relationships.
It was the inability of the parents that created this problem. They did not treat her with love. Which is the event(s). Her coming to understand that she was unlovable created her experience. Her reality.
The parents though had the same problem, their parents, the grandparents of my friend had been terrible parents too. So where does this stop? Since what happened, happened we can not change the events of the past. This leaves us with is, changing the meaning, our understanding of the event(s.) By changing meaning of the events, we change the experience. Thereby it’s effects. In her situation she came to see that it was not the little girl that was unlovable but that her parents didn’t have a clue. And she could now see it was possible for her to be loved. But first she too had to learn what she didn’t learn as a child. How to love herself.
The rest. You didn’t feel loved so as most will do looked to others to fill. It’s what we do. Have a need, we fill it, as best we can. It’s this need that must be dealt with. In this case as you said love yourself first.
We can only start from where we are. That means we must acknowledging the emotion that are there. Doesn’t mean that what is there is what we want. If we feel unlovable it is real and it is painful but it is not true.
My 2 Cents
Ox Drover
Your welcome. I see them both at the same time. Like they are superimposed.
Spoon, your post to the sisterhood above is a GREAT post. Thank you for your contributions!
Actually I’ve seen a version of the picture where you can detect a third image – that of a scott, where the monteau is the scott’s moustache, and his face is turned to the right. But since this pic is coloured in, it’s impossible for me to see the scott’s face in the combination of the white lace and part face.
G1S,
I understand your upsetness and revolt about Mel’s message. And it doesn’t apply to all victims, because many victims do not survive! They are dead or in a coma. But Mel’s message is the workable road for survivors. It doesn’t and cannot happen overnight. There are phases where we are in denial (when we remain with the spaths); there is a phase where we are in a mental victim stage (when we realize the truth, face the unfairness of it), but there also must come a phase where we change our victim-perspective to “I’ve gained something from this.” And while the last may sound selfish, it’s actually the denial and victim stage that are often the most egocentrical.
Hi, Darwinsmom,
I am not revolted by the message. I understand that is it was given with good intentions.
I just feel that it doesn’t take into account free will. It is too heavily slanted to “everything that happens in my life is because I thought it so.”
My concern is for those who are just beginning their journey to recovery and how a message like that might impact them.
I don’t think people remain with Ps exclusively because of denial.
Think of Maslow’s heirarchy of needs. The first two levels are about survival. Sometimes, there are no alternatives. Children would be an example.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs
I agree very much with, “…there also must come a phase where we change our victim-perspective to ‘I’ve gained something from this.’”
If conditions exist that a person can reach that place and take things into consideration in this manner, that’s all well and good.
My position is that many people never have that luxury and I feel it is very wrong to imply that they are in those positions because they’ve called these conditions into their lives. To me, at least, it implies that nobody else has responsibility for what happens to a person.
g1s,
I didn’t say you were revolted… but that you revolt (from revolution) against the message 🙂
I think Mel explicitly mentioned it’s not about “what you invited”, but what to work towards once something has happened.
Quoting Mel’s article
“I am NOT saying that we deliberately invited sociopathic individuals in to our lives. I am NOT saying that it’s our ’fault’. That we must have been thinking ’wrong’ thoughts, or giving praise to the ’wrong deity’ or following the ’wrong’ leadership. Far from it. What I AM saying is that from my own experiences, having recognised ”“ truly recognised ”“ what had been happening to me, I have found ways to move through the experience and find a deeper sense of peace and joy as a result. It’s not about blame” it’s about opportunity. Grabbing the chance to create something different.”
So, it’s not about blaming ourselves and other victims for being abused and duped… it’s about “ok, so this shit happened to me. It’s not fair. It shouldn’t have happened. I never deserved to treated and abused like this. Now what can I learn from this? Where do I go from here? What’s the gift wrapped and burried somewhere in that big pile of shit that I can use to get out stronger and more true out of it?”
Personally, I don’t think Maslow’s hierarchy of needs are entirely correct if regarded as a hierarchical pyramid form. A hungry person in a flooded area or at risk of being swept away by a tsunami will seek safety before food. And a non-spath mother will forego her hunger and safety to look for her child before fleeing a disaster area. Some spiritual paths include abstination from the physical needs. Maslow himself mentions that several of the levels happen and occur simultaneously.
And no, I don’t think it’s a luxury to get to that mindset. I think it’s a must. I had no job, I barely had enough to pay my rent on time, and was scraping by on food for the last 2 weeks per month for several months. And “survival-victim” mode helped me diddly squat. It was only when I started to study, do creative projects purely for my own satisfaction because I had the time anyway and put some order in my life again with daily routines that I started to get some insights about myself, came to accept and forgive myself. It wasn’t about physical survival. Had I focused on that I would still have felt a loser. Instead I started to self-actualize and through that regained self esteem, which actually landed me temp jobs and be a loving person again to most. If people ask me what my priorities are then I say they are my studies… not the temp jobs, though I need the temp jobs to get by through the month without being worried over my finances.
G1S,
I see truth in what both you and Mel are saying. I mean, I agree with both of you. I’m so glad you posted about this, because spiritual things are so very hard to express.
I think one of the things which Mel said describes the difficulty well. That is, that she is farther along her path now, and didn’t realize when she was just being exposed to this way of thinking, how many layers or levels there were to get through… and that now that she sees that this is the way it has unfolded for her, she realizes that she still has no idea how the rest of it will unfold, just that there is way more to it than initially appears, and also the same concept can be viewed through different lenses at different times, depending upon where the observer is in his/her development (hope I paraphrased you correctly, Mel!).
I have a friend who has taken the Course in Miracles path, which can be a very useful and enlightening path, but also one that can be misunderstood. I guess what I mean is, it takes faith and desire to proceed along ANY spiritual path, and some of it is our own selves compelling us forward, and some of it is being led. And we have to be careful at every step that we are not being led astray, and also not being so afraid to take a step that we remain in darkness. At least, that is how I see it at this time. 😉
So, this friend I’m talking about — I like him a lot, but he DOES. NOT. GET. SOCIOPATHY. He knows my ex-husband but hasn’t seen him for several years. over this weekend, we got together for a family milestone occasion (my son’s birthday) — trust me, I do not go out of my way to socialize with my ex-husband and his spath-wife, but in the interests of my kid’s birthday, I will. So this friend comes along because he knows everyone. Afterwards, he tells me that my ex-husband “seems so much better, now” and “must be all that therapy he has had” and “he really loves his kids and wants to do right by them.” And my friend has “so much compassion for” my ex-husband because his parents weren’t nice to him, growing up. And I just nodded and didn’t even bother trying to explain. my friend is stuck in a “think positive” mentality and cannot grasp that some people do bad things to others, and that it’s “just my perspective.” (that one REALLY grates at me: that it is only my “perspective” that my spath ex-husband abused me! REAAAAALLLLY.) It is the same point of view that wants to blame victims for somehow thinking thoughts that cause them to attract abusive people into their lives.
OK, now I can and do see that there is some truth to that — but only if you have a kind of karmic perspective, which I do. I respect that not everyone does, and it took me many years to come to this view.
I do not feel that I am to blame as a victim of domestic violence and sociopathic abuse. But I do believe that I had a certain mindset which either attracted sociopaths or didn’t protect me enough against them. That is changing for me, now.
Another way to view it and talk about it is boundaries. But I don’t think the purely psychological perspective really gets at all of it — I am quite sure there is a spiritual or hidden component, and that is the part very hard to discern and communicate.
I do, now, view abuse, murder, rape, poverty etc. in a sort of karmic way. Not that these folks “deserve” any of it, but these are experiences which do contain opportunities. I don’t know how else to put it — but putting it this way sounds kind of mean, ugly, or that I am in a safe place and can therefore say such things.
That is sort of true — but not entirely so. I WAS abused by my ex-husband, in the most cruel manner. But since leaving him, the lessons have been unfolding. The lessons are the gifts, and the experience provided the opportunities to learn these lessons. These lessons are Gold to me. I survived an emotionally devastating and scary experience of a bullying and threatening, abusive CPS investigation. There were opportunities in that, too. My kids and I are a lot closer, and I think they grew tremendously in terms of their spath-awareness. That is a huge gift! They are just teenagers, and now they are going out into the world knowing about spaths and how to protect themselves, AND they have the words to talk about it, and they feel safe in talking to me about it.
And, on a lesser and more mundane level, I have just had the very unpleasant experience of not one, not two, but three major appliances breaking on me, creating all kinds of water damage/mess, loss of food, etc. and the need for expensive replacements. This hits my bank account very hard. I don’t have much. However… I do have some, and surprisingly, I have just enough to cover all of this (provided nothing else breaks anytime soon, haha). So even though it is upsetting and inconvenient, I am not saying that I deserve it, or that I caused it through thinking wrong thoughts, and I’m choosing to view the opportunities — to upgrade to more efficient appliances, to check this off my replacement list for the next 10 years or so, to be grateful that I have the resources to handle it, to teach my children how to handle such things, and it is also an opportunity to toss a bunch of the “accumulated stuff” in my house (which got water damaged) which I really needed to clear out anyway.
So, the “bad thing happened,” but I’m choosing to view it positively. (I’m not saying this is easy to do with murder, rape, etc. but you can ALWAYS be open to learning lessons from bad experiences, even if those lessons take years to unfold).
So… I guess I’m just thinking, “bad” stuff happens all the time, in varying degrees, to all of us. I think part of thinking positively is looking for the opportunities and the gifts in the midst of the sorrow, loss and fear. To have that faith to just keep going. Or, as Churchill said, “If you find yourself in Hell, just keep going” – -something like that.
One of the gifts that is coming to me (this gift is not all in yet, by any means!), for which I am very grateful, but would not be in this place if I hadn’t gone through all I’ve gone through so far, is being able to see more clearly. To see patterns and be more of an observer, less of a reactive person who is overwhelmed by seemingly disconnected, chaotic events. It is a calmer place to be.
To me, thinking “positively” does not mean to “look for the good in everyone” though that used to be me. I don’t do that anymore because I see people differently now. I used to look for the good (or manufacture it in my mind if I couldnt’ find it!) and ignore the bad or evil that they did! Not any more. I see the beauty and ugly — both (yes, the hag and the beauty) — it is all a mosaic. It is actually easier now for me to see both, to hold both in mind. But I did go through a period of great disillusionment where I found beauty painful and tried to deny it.
Thinking “positively” also does not mean (to me) magical thinking or meditating on some specific thing I want to attain.
It is more like as is said, raising one’s vibration to something higher or more positive, so you don’t get dragged down. I’m not saying this is an easy thing to do. But it is something that comes with practice and the unfolding of experience, with intention.
it is also not a linear process. So some days are more positive, some days get dragged down. At least that’s where I am with it now.
G1S, that was why dr. Viktor Frankl’s message in “man’s search for meaning” was so helpful to me.
Who could have lost more than the victims of the Nazis after they had spent years in the concentration/slaves camps starving, just barely staying alive, knowing that at any minute one of the guards could beat them to death.
I have for some reason most of my adult life been fascinated by the survival of this kind of horror…along with ship wrecks, prisoner of war camps and ahve read all I can about both the victims and the psychopaths who ran the camps, as well as the “ordinary” people who went along with the brutality.
I just finished one on the wreck of the Medusa. The captian of the ship was an incompetent and he had a PASSENGER on board who was a blow hard narcissist and who presented himself to this unsure, incompetent captain as an expert. the captain actually let this passenger set the course he said he knew, as well as he let an official who was on the ship RUSH him. the ship hit a sand bar and COULD have saved every passenger is they had taken the available boats and ferried the passengers and crew to shore, but instead, the officials and the captain took the best life boats and put most of the passengers on to a raft that would not support them. 150 people on the raft were standing waist deep in water, huddled together without any supplies at all…only 15 survived. There was fighting on the raft, where people went insane and mutinied, and at the last, the doctor and the stronger passengers killed the weaker ones in order to survive. It was a huge scandal in france and the captain was given 3 years in prison instead of being hung.
The officials in the marine office tried to cover it up and they totally persecuted the whistle blowers who told the truth of what happened. The official that rushed everyone got survivors to sign a letter saying he had nothing to do with the wreck.
They had cut the raft adrift deliberately. It is a great study in human nature during that kind of situation. The man who wrote it is an expert in marine survival and the psychological trauma that the survivors/victims experience.
I do see why some (women especially) stay with an abuser, especially if they have children and little means of support. I do know though from my own experience of a traumatic divorce and desertion by a supporting spouse of a stay at home mom that you can survive if you put your head to it. My kids and I lived in the back of a pick up with a camper shell over it for 3 months while I found a way to live and a roof over my head. Egg donor did not help me, or offer to. I didn’t ask either, and in retrospect am glad that I didn’t take a dime from her though I did borrow a couple of thousand from her which I repaid with INTEREST at 10%. The money I borrowed was for tuition for Patrick and C for private schools. I worked 3 jobs, went to school full t ime, raised a garden and butchered my own meat, bartered baby sitting for mechanic work on my vehicle and other services. I wrote and sold articles for magazines and kept a 3.97 grade average. I got Pel Grants, student loans and every thing I could, though I never got any food stamps or welfare though I was probably entitled to it for a while.
Looking back at that time I probably had PTSD then, but didn’t know it. I did get counseling for my kids and myself through a sliding scale low income service. That did help.
My father in law was (I see now) a full fledged P and my husband was mentally ill and a victim of his father himself. His father had complete control over both his kids and hated me because I did not cow-tow to him. My divorce was something that was right out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie. I think though that it brought out my own strengths because I had no choice, it was do or die and I had two kids to take care of. I do see though too that my sons had TWO psychopathic grandparents at the very least.
Maslow’s heirachy is a good example of human needs is very important for us to consider.
It is another thing for us to look at when we “count our blessings” as well. Having clean water and enough food and a roof over our heads is something that a great many people in the world fight for every day…think of the women in the Muslim countries or in Somolia, Iran, etc. so I count my blessings every day thanking God that I have a roof over my head, food, and most of the things I want and all of the things I need.
Sure I have worked hard for the things I have, but I have also been blessed by God and genetics with fairly good health, a good brain (though now with Short term memory problems) but I have survived and thrived when you get right down to it.
The few gripes I have in life right now, a cast on my right leg and my middle finger swollen and sore from my parrot’s bite Monday but you know…those are small things that happen, they are LIFE….and life happens, but the good thing about that kind of “gripe” is that no one was “out to get me” (well, maybe the bird!) or betraying me, it was just STUFF HAPPENS. I can cuss and go on without being emotionally upset by the stuff happening.
With the BETRAYAL it is a different thing entirely and it hits out of left field, your TRUST is hurt, your soul is injured. It is harder to cope with.
Even the plane crash that killed my husband, as tragic and as sudden as it was, wasn’t anything that anyone did deliberately. I’ve come to peace with that and realized that if my husband had died of cancer or something like that it would probably have been worse. As it was he really didn’t suffer pain and he died doing what he loved and lived long enough we could say good bye and he knew the others were alive because of his taking control from the pilot at the last minute.
We can look at most things that happen in our life I think and “find meaning” in our suffering or the events of our lives. I think it is important to find meaning in things. Finding an “education” in what happens is to me great meaning. Learning to live our lives better today and tomorrow because of what happened yesterday I think is a great thing. No one I think thinks that life is going to always be a “bowl of cherries.” We are going to come up against betrayals and psychopaths in our lives. I think to ONE EXTENT OR ANOTHER EVERYONE DOES. maybe not as severe a betrayal as we had but still being kicked while they are down about something. Either in their personal life, or their professional life, or just an “unreasonable neighbor” we all come up against them. There are too many of them for no one to go through life without encountering one of them. At least we NOW know what they are and how to deal with them. THAT’S WORTH A LOT. THAT’S GREAT MEANING TO ME.