After much contemplation, I decided I’d like to continue along the theme of last week’s post since the sense of ”˜thoughts becoming things’ seems to be becoming even more important to me at the moment. And from the energetic conversation threads from last week it appears to be quite an emotive subject for people here as well!
The picture I’ve chosen this week is the classic “Hag or Beautiful Young Woman” illustration that shows there can be two very different sides to the same situation, depending on our perception. I often use it to remind myself, when I’m having a “Hag” of a day, to change my perspective and seek out the “Beautiful Young Woman—¦. She’s always there somewhere”¦ 😉
I’d like to start off by saying that I do not purport to have all the answers — far from it in actual fact. It occurs to me that the old saying “the older you get the less you know” actually holds a great deal of truth”¦ because these days, even though it stands to reason that I have more knowledge and experience than ever before; it’s equally true to say that I have even more questions in my quest to really know the answers. Still, I guess you could say that’s what keeps us curious to grow and learn eh? Even though, it must be said, there are times when I manage to drive even myself mad with my sometimes-obsessive drive to understand!
Positive Thinking
So I’d like to explain a little about my pathway — and why this quest is so important to me. The very first self-help I ever picked up was Norman Vincent Peale’s “The Power Of Positive Thinking” — first published back in 1952, decades before the concept of positive thinking was in our regular vocabulary, and a lifetime before the emergence of mainstream New Age! I can have been no more than 19 years old when I picked it up for the first time, and I remember being somewhat sceptical about the messages contained in it. I remember feeling pretty annoyed at times — angry even — when it occured to me that if what the author was saying was in any way true, then it implied that I was to blame for my personal circumstances. At that time, both parents were already dead, and my little sister and I had recently been evicted from our guardian’s home. So life was pretty grim.
“And this idiot here is trying to say it’s all been my fault? Who on earth does he think he is? He has no idea whatsoever about me or what’s happened to me!” I would fume, slamming the book shut and stomping off to find a coffee or cigarette — my two regular crutches in those days. The fury and indignance passed, however, once I began to get a glimpse of the real message. It suddenly dawned on me that this book and its ideas were offering me a new way of approaching things. A new way that gave me the promise that I really could change my life for the better. A glimmer of hope in what for me had become a dark and dreary existence full of hopelessness and pain.
That’s where it all began, all those years ago. Since then I’ve devoured hundreds of books and cassettes (yes, way before the time of CDs or downloads!) and attended a myriad of workshops. I’ve also trained in various therapies including Louise L Hay, NLP, Coaching, Reiki, Hypnosis, Breathwork and Firewalking. And so far as I can see, the underlying message is basically the same — that the more we become aware of and flex our thoughts, feelings and behaviour, the more we can determine the quality of our life. Also, the more we can honestly assess what kind of experiences are showing up in our life, the more we can identify where our thoughts and beliefs are sitting, so we can then check whether or not we’re on the right track.
Opportunity Instead Of Blame
I am NOT saying that we deliberately invited sociopathic individuals in to our lives. I am NOT saying that it’s our ”˜fault’. That we must have been thinking ”˜wrong’ thoughts, or giving praise to the ”˜wrong deity’ or following the ”˜wrong’ leadership. Far from it. What I AM saying is that from my own experiences, having recognised — truly recognised — what had been happening to me, I have found ways to move through the experience and find a deeper sense of peace and joy as a result. It’s not about blame”¦ it’s about opportunity. Grabbing the chance to create something different.
And from where I am right now, I’ve realised that there are far more levels to all of this than I could possibly have comprehended at the time. I know in my heart and soul that I have lived and breathed coaching and motivation for more years than I care to consider — and that the techniques I learned and fine-tuned along the way have helped me to create a fulfilling life. I also know that I’ve been lucky enough to make a positive difference in the lives of many hundreds of people.
I’m also holding my hand up right now to admit “I didn’t fully understand it all then”¦ and I still don’t now” – and still I know I did some great work. But I DO acknowledge that I am ”˜getting it’ more and more as time passes — particularly since the relationship with my ex.
For example, last week I wrote about ”˜loving myself the way I am’ — and at the same time not expressing frustrations. My reason for doing that makes perfect sense. If thoughts become things, then let’s change ”˜bad’ things in to good — then all that can ever happen is good. Right?
Wrong. The trick I believe I missed was to accept whatever emotions or frustrations that were happening at the time. Thinking about them and accepting them was never going to make them any stronger or pose any threat! Far from it. By acknowledging my natural ”˜humanness’ and just allowing myself to ”˜be’ then I can accept every single aspect — everything — without criticism or blame. And I can then just let it go. Let the angry, worried, frightened (whatever the ”˜bad’ stuff happened to be) emotions wash through and past me — while I waved them “Bon Voyage”.
No Regrets
People often ask me whether I think I actively invited a sociopathic personality in to my life. Whether on some level I ”˜deserved’ the cruel treatment I received — from my ex as well as from the people in my past. My honest response is this. It doesn’t matter to me where the pain comes from. Who delivers it. Why they’re here. Or what I did to ”˜invite’ or ”˜allow’ it to happen to me. Rather than dwell too much on the bad situations or people that turn up, or try to label them ”˜sociopathic’ ”˜abuser’ ”˜narcissist’ or any other name, I choose instead to focus on what I can now do about my circumstances. Just like accepting my humanness, I will acknowledge and accept that what happened was wrong and hurtful”¦ and then I’ll do my very best to let it go. And that process may well take some time. Good. I can take all the time I like, because it’s important to honour and accept what happened and how I felt, so that I can move through and past it freely and with joy. While doing that, I also reflect back and do my very best to find the ”˜gift’ in the experience — so that I can be certain to recognise and deal with it should a similar person or situation appear again.
But it’s taken me a long time to reach this level of understanding. It’s been a harrowing journey at many times. And, as I said right at the beginning”¦ I’m not saying I have all the answers. Heck, it may well turn out that I don’t have any answers at all — I may be totally wrong in what I’m thinking and believing at the moment! But….
You know what, though? When I look outside at my life that’s surrounding me right now, and compare it to what it’s been”¦. Even running a mental check right back through the years to my childhood”¦. I can honestly say that I feel happier, more settled, and more content than I can ever remember before. And I know, I absolutely know in my heart of hearts that this is just the beginning.
As Louise Hay says “Our thoughts create our reality, and a thought can be changed in a moment”. Every day is a new day, and right now it’s the most fulfilling adventure I’ve ever experienced!
Love and blessings to all — even more than you’ve imagined before 🙂
PS — if anyone fancies experiencing a giggle about the typically good old-fashioned British humour that I grew up with, here’s a link to Morecombe and Wise singing about “Positive Thinking” from their 1976 Christmas special”¦ it always makes me smile http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKN7aWTUrIU
Yes, it is my fault for staying with the P because of what I believed about the world. It’s my fault because people lied and I believed that they were telling the truth. It’s my fault that my beliefs were based on trust as that is what normal people use to feel safe in this world.
It’s my fault that the trust I had in humanity reflected on my face and gave me confidence, confidence that was misplaced and obviously undeserved. In fact my spath said to me, “you are arrogant.” He also said, “you live the life of Reilly, living is easy with eyes closed.”
It’s my fault that psychopaths can’t stand to see that confidence on my face. They know what it means: innocence, trust, love and connection with humanity. Those are all the things that they ENVY and they will rob us of them whenever they see them on our faces. They will make sure to erase any smidgen of those things: innocence, trust, love and connection with humanity.
My spath told me how he does it. First, he gets you really high, so that the fall is more devastating. So in other words, he takes you to the peak of innocence, trust, love and connection, then he pulls the rug out so that you can see that it was all FAKE.
Yes, my spath actually protected me from the world. He bore the brunt of relating to the outside world, while I dealt with logistics. That way, I was not exposed to any evil — except him. Without exposure, I never got an opportunity to observe and examine how people lie and cheat. Never figured it out because he protected me from that. He made sure to keep me innocent. He wanted to destroy that innocence himself, so that he could see the look on my face as it all came crashing down at once. It’s more dramatic that way.
I have to take responsibility for not having enough imagination. It was beyond my imagination that people could be so evil. Really, I could see the evil right before my eyes. So why did I deny it? Well to see something and to experience it are 2 different things. I had never experienced the extent of the evil I was seeing. It is a slime so sticky and disgusting that I couldn’t connect it to any state of being that I was familiar with. So it went into the WTF? bucket and there it stayed until he allowed me to experience the mask slip first hand.
I never believed I was unlovable, on the contrary, I believed I was loved by my spath. Moreover, I took responsibility for loving him back even more. He seemed so pathetic. He seemed to need it.
But now I’m told that the reason I stayed with him is because I didn’t love myself, so in fact, I must BE unlovable if I couldn’t love myself. Who could possibly love me, if I can’t even love myself?
I remember the morning that the spath walked up to me, out of the blue, as I was having my espresso and said, “No one will EVER want you.” It was all I could do to keep from laughing because on the contrary, men are drawn to me all the time and I never let him know because he was so jealous. But, now I’m told that, in fact, he must have been right because if I had loved myself, I wouldn’t have been with HIM and that proves that nobody will ever want me. I guess I need to learn how to love myself.
Yes, my reality was what I chose to believe. My choice to believe in the goodness of humanity, clashed with his choice to “hate humanity”. When you have two opposing beliefs under one roof, which will win? Good or evil? Apparently evil wins because I no longer believe in the goodness of all humanity. I no longer believe that I was as lovable as I thought. I no longer believe that I loved myself enough.
It was a set up and it worked. Now who would want to set me up that way? Who would want me to accept responsibility for the evil that chanced to envy my trusting face?
Or maybe, there’s another way to look at it.
Perhaps I was born innocent.
Perhaps, like the spath, I stayed in my childhood too long, me in my innocence and him in his envy.
I don’t need to exchange one set of beliefs for another. That would be just trading places, or fence sitting.
Objective reality tells us that there is good and there is evil. We can trust ourselves to recognize both by the way they make us feel. The spath has revealed his tricks.
The only other thing to remember is that we are responsible for letting evil continue its reign when we permit it into our lives. That’s what happens when we sit in the sandbox with evil and play their games.
Hi there. Well, I have read all of the posts on this thread and enjoyed it very much. I find I get to the end and lose the thread a bit, except for the last one i read :).
I am on the spiritual path also, and looking to reach that ultimate place of gratitude toward the spath(s) in my life. I can see that to get there, to have the time in this life, and be given the insights and experiences needed, is a gift. I get a bit impatient with it, wondering whether my efforts will ‘cut the mustard’ when the reaper calls.
OOOh, that positive thinking! 🙂
Hope your finger and leg are feeling better today Ox D. What happened to your leg? My Viktor Frankl book is here, and next in line. I am going to bed now to read the rest of ‘The Magic’, so i can start it tomorrow. I am already taken with it, as it has a picture of a chaffinch (?) on the front. I can imagine being in a Camp, and finding the beauty, hope, and presence of God/the Universe, in the sighting of a bird.
I have two cats, and wonder sometimes, if given the choice between fur and feather, which would be chosen? The cosiness of fur, or the flight of feather? Hmmmm, Target or spath? Target EVERY time!!!! I would never want to be a spath, and would have my throat cut with a rusty blunt knife before that.
Ok, need to end on a positive note, given the weight of the thread…. i have been posting post it notes with ‘thankyou’ on all over the house the last couple of days, and repeating it over in my head when i remember. I’ve had some pretty bad dreams for about a week now, nasty stuff, and have started to say prayers during the day. Certainly the post its are highly effective, but i am not sure how to pray, coming from an aethiest family. Any advice much appreciated.
Happy days to you all xx
I’m gonna merge the 2 view points: positive thinking + pragmatic realism: not either-or, but both. Think of the best & most positive, but paddle like hell towards shore. Pragmatically & realistically speaking, evil exists, Ns & SPs exist. However, I will use my pragmatic, realistic thinking to avoid these negatives & focus on the positives in life. So, when the vampires appear, call on the angels to kick ’em out.
Aesop:
Here’s how I think of praying: open your heart to Gd and speak to him/her. If you want something more formal, chose a religion & study it or study many religions. However, I don’t think formal religion necessarily teaches how to open our hearts to Gd.
I think that man is an emotional being, a thinking being and a spiritual being. I think we need to heal on all three planes in order to be “balanced” and whole people.
Maslov’s list of things that we need starts with the physical…the air first of all, then water, food, shelter, safety etc. (paraphrasing) and all the way up to ‘self actualization.” I think that last is the spiritual aspect.
There are people who will tell you that only a VERY few people like Mother Theresa have actually become “self actualized” but I do NOT believe that. I think that plain old you and me can reach that point. We don’t have to be world famous or walk on water, or give up everything we own to the poor, we only have to reach a point that we are unselfish, compassionate and caring for others, but also unselfish for ourselves, compassionate for ourselves and care for ourselves as well. Whatever higher power or God that we believe in we follow that to the best of our abilities.
I think if Viktor Frankl can find MEANING in a Nazi prison camp then we can find meaning in our lives and even the worst thing that ever happened to us.
i have been going through a very similar situation with my fallout with a sociopathic woman. I find that I am losing sleep. Every night I manage only about 3 hours of sleep. This is due to my constant re-occurance of feelings for her as well as the way she emotionally abused me. I think about her with other men as she was very promiscuos (as with most sociopaths) and I am enraged that I have copped a “raw deal” as she no longer lets me contact her as she now feels that she has the “upper hand”. Its terrible with all these power plays. I sent one last email in response to her and I got no reply. Now I am left to pick up the pieces. Is this really moving on? I have no choice but to rid this poision from my life. Because at the end of the day, these sociopaths are poison to our soul and the best cure for poision is QUARANTINE.
Dear Sebbo_ricadonna,
Welcome to LoveFraud. I’m sorry that you feel a need to join our number but there is healing, compassion and help here.
You are actually fortunate that she refuses contact with you…and that she is out of your life.
NO CONTACT is the only “cure” and is the start of healing. I know that right now you would maybe like to contact her, to get closure…to get some sleep…but those things will come with NO CONTACT.
Read here and learn and you will help yourself heal. Knowledge is power, so take back your power with learning about them, and about yourself. Why you were vulnerable to her and the red flags that will point out another one if you meet them and you will in the future meet them, so knowledge is power. Again welcome.
Hi All,
I dont seem to get much responses to what I post!!!!! But here goes!!!…….
to Sebbo_Ricadonna:
It is very hard when they cut you off, especially as you know you had strong feelings for her, and you cant understand why they would not be missing you, but as Ox Drover says No contact is the best and only policy. Mine was like yours, he ignored me!!! Oh he would send out a cherry every now and again, and I would get excited and respond, then…..nothing!!! The way I first handled it was to remember that it was all a game to him!! And why do I want to hear from him, all he says is lies anyway, and you end up all battered & bruised while he goes on with more girlfriends etc. Now that I have had no contact for over months he hates it!!! Hahaha. He cannot understand why i would not still need him and be dependant on him!! I know thats not why we do it, but to me its a bonus!!!!! The benefit to me has been that the moving on feeling is real. I dont hardly ever think of him, and if I do its not as devestating as it once was. I understand so much more clearly what he is without all his BS getting in the way!!!
I hope this helps you.
To Aesop:
Praying to God is quite simple! He invites us to be his friend and to get to know him. So you just pour out your whole heart to him, you dont need special words or rituals. He welscomes you to speak to him all day long, whenever suits you. He knows what we are going through, one of his first angelic creatures was the worst kind of Spath!!!! Wanting all of Gods glory for himself!!! Using anything at his disposal to try and kick God out of the equation!!!!
I have to agree with the sisterhood though that we dont all ask for these things to happen. I think I was doing a great job of protecting my girls from pedophiles, as i was targeted by an uncle. But that didnt stop my N or S step dad taking advantage of my daughter while we were all asleep!! I do not believe that my thought process or the fact that I felt I was unlovable resulted in my daughter being hurt.
Anyway I hope I have been able to help and please keep up all the good work, I come here oftern, this site helps me to survive every day. It keeps me grounded as to what I am dealing with, because I too have people who think it was just my perception of abuse, even though my children refuse to ever live with him again.
I chose to pull this up because I no longer am beating myself up for still being in need of lessons at 46 years of age, of having had the most painful relationship of my life when I thought I was well enough to choose a mate wisely, because I am still letting go 10 months post my discard, because I still cry occasionally, since I thought after a lifetime of seeking emotional and spiritual recovery from a tough and traumatic life…that I should have known better that to love a man with the traits he did display, and most importantly, that this most painful event in my life will result in a inner growth experience for me.
I am going to use this pain to “be” more authentic myself, never allow another to take me over-control me, steadfast in maintaining my identity, always take responsibility for my own well-being, hold others accountable for actions that are inappropriate and abusive, listen to my instincts, require respect and honorable treatment from a man..leave when I recieve opposite. I derserved better than what he dealt. I knew that from day one. I am not dumb and worthless as he tried to convince me at the end, during his abrasive discard. I was just still in a trance. Maybe my trance kept the pain from shattereing me completely.
It is all ok, I am going to be gentle with myself today ( thanks to LF’ers for telling me to be so!)
Grateful for this healing place. Blessings to all ! : )
Bluemosaic
Bluemosaic: I’m glad you had the courage to express your frustration with trying and trying and still finding yourself with difficult people/circumstances. I feel the same way and I am 52. I think the same triggers that remind me of unhealthy and familiar family members will always be there for me. I am attracted to them even when there are red flags. I connect love and anxiety because I was born into that. Like you, I plan to just keep educating myself and hope I do better each time.
Thx FFWR,
Having been a long term 12 stepper, I would have thought I was able to stand up for myself by this jucntion of my life and not fall in love with an unwell, abusive man. I was wrong. The deeply ingrained pathways in my brain were perfect paths for him to tread on…and he knew it. I wish I had, but now, perhaps I will. I see that what I wanted from him, was something no human being can ever give to me.
I know I still have alot of healing to do, feeling like I have spent my whole life trying to put pieces together, that others took apart, can be very frustrating. Atleast we did not marry. I remind myself how much more damage may have been done, had he felt I was worth hanging onto. Thx for your response, I wish you well.
Bluemosaic
Thank you, Bluemosaic:
I attended al-anon meetings for decades. I need to now, but am agoraphobic and had to find online support as I have here and another place. I know my own need to pity, caretake, want love from the wrong person, etc. will never completely disappear. But, I have changed some thinking to protect myself and this website is educating me even more. My father wasn’t just a gambling, food addict. He has severe narcissistic personality disorder. My current Lodger isn’t just an alcoholic. He is a cheating, lying, porn addicted, conniving, pity playing, abusive sociopath. The more I learn, the better I will do.
Thank you so much for wishing me well. I need it as I have one day of rest before the Lodger comes back. I hope you have beautiful mosaic day!