The New Year brings you a great opportunity to change your life for better health and well-being. In preparation for a better life, consider how recovering from loving a sociopath/psychopath is like recovering from addiction. Since the New Year is an opportunity, let’s take the time to focus on recovery.
A good friend of mine is struggling with substance addiction. This addiction is very similar to what many of you face because my friend was highly functioning before the addiction which started at mid-life. Before the addiction, he functioned well and was very productive. There is no obvious reason for my friend to be now at the verge of death from stimulants.
When we recently discussed his addiction, I asked my friend to consider what goes through his mind at the moment he decides that the best thing for him to do with his time is to use speed. I admitted being baffled about why he would make that choice. There are so many other ways he could spend his time and he knows that. He said, “When I don’t use, I feel great”¦ Then I use”¦I am an addict.”
Although I am generally in favor of people identifying their problems, in this case, “I am an addict” seemed like a quick excuse used to avoid really taking responsibility for his choices. After some reflection he did say to me, “You are right, it feels like a compulsion, but I guess it is a choice.”
Maybe you face a similar struggle. Instead of battling addiction, you are battling the love you feel for a sociopath. Just like my friend, even though you feel a compulsion to call the sociopath, you too have a choice to make. You can either choose to spend your time doing things that will bring you health and wellness or you can choose to spend time with that sociopath/psychopath.
During our talk, my friend reflected that he feels empty and bored at the time he chooses to use. The speed is a quick fix for the emptiness and boredom.
Many of you go about your lives just fine, then you end up home alone one day with nothing to do. Feeling bored, it suddenly occurs to you that your best choice is to call that sociopath. At the moment of boredom and emptiness all the pain the person caused you is not accessible to your consciousness. All you think about is the fun you had together. This fun is a marked contrast to the boredom and emptiness you feel in the moment. Since you feel sentimental, you think it is OK to make that call.
If you are waiting to feel repulsion for the sociopath before you disengage, you may be waiting for a very long time. The pleasant memories may always be tied to the love you feel which will be activated when you slow down and give yourself time to think. You have to make a conscious decision to make better choices for yourself. This decision has to be independent of however you feel in the moment. The decision to break away and remain free is a leap of faith in the belief that your future can be better “sociopath free.”
OK so how did you get to this place where you decide your best option is to choose to be with a sociopath/psychopath?
Just like my friend with speed addiction, during the relationship, you gave up on many of the activities that used to be meaningful to you. Also like my friend, you left friends, family members and hobbies behind. Maybe you also now surround yourself with other very dysfunctional people.
Getting free means choosing to spend your time in healthier ways; it means connecting with the love you feel for the friends and family members you abandoned when you chose the sociopath. You have to reconnect to the “you” that existed before this relationship.
You also have to admit that it is very selfish for you to hold on to your love for the sociopath. You likely have people who are counting on you to be a friend, parent or devoted family member. You can’t be there for others who need you as long as you hold on to the sociopath. Stopping then, means thinking of those other people. You do have a duty to them, much more than you have a duty to the sociopath.
You might benefit from combining all your New Year’s resolutions into one: Resolve to live a life of greater physical, psychological and spiritual well-being.
Make a commitment to fill your boredom and emptiness with activities that will build you up and make you healthy. If you are overweight, the CDC says you need an hour of exercise each day. There is a world out there full of fascinating possibilities, you can find them if you try.
Now I’d like to introduce you to a couple of friends who have brought joy, meaning and healing to my family. Each day when we walk and play with our dogs, the dysfunction brought into our lives by a psychopath feels very far away.
Use the comment section below to make your own lists of things you can do in the New Year, rather than wasting your time and precious life energy with a sociopath.
Other articles on addiction to a sociopath:
Ask Dr. Leedom: I am really sick, aren’t i?
How does one ever get over the heartache of being taken by a con artist?
Why is this so hard for us mentally?
A deeper understanding of love, ourselves and the sociopath
Why you can be addicted to a sociopath
I don’t understand why I still care
Dear Liane,
A great article (as always) and one that is very timely for all of us during this holiday season since Holidays seem to bring out a longing in us for family and friends, and sometimes tend to make us lonely if our holiday doesn’t meet the media standards of a “gala housefull of loving people.”
I hope your friend is able to make his break from his addiction, and to make good healthy choices in the future. Because, as you pointed out so rightly, everything we do is OUR CHOICE and in order to take care of ourselves, we must make HEALTHY CHOICES.
Happy holidays to you and yours! and pet the puppies on the head for me! (((Hugs))) and God bless you and yours!
Long before I knew what His problem was and found the Label for His Character and LF. I knew I was addicted to Him! I wrote it down in a dayplanner, get rid of the addiction! But I had that false hope that if I gave him one more chance He could change and maintain! Never Gona Happen! They don’t have rehab for Phycopaths for a reason! Addictions are hard to break! But Chaos and abuse do not make good relationships!
It’s been nearly two years now thanks to LF and all the Real People Here! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all!
So sorry to break in this thread – Mike the X just showed up here after almost two years no contact.. The dogs started barking I saw a new black truck outside it was him so i quickly closed door and curtains he got out of truck walked around back of house i am sure he was looking for his cat. he knoicked on door i did not open it..he new i was home – he left drove over to neighbors wich confirms to me he was lookin for cat – i had told him to years ago that the cat had taken up with the neighbors – i gave the cat to my son…. he was driving a new truck – i think he was wqanting to show it off cause i lost my truck the same kind a tundra because of him i am having a attack call me oxy please
henry;
i hope oxy has called you.
breather dear breathe. he isn’t there right now. breathe in and tighten the muscles in your hand, breathe out and just let it loosen. do it again and pay atention to the release, see if you can make it last longer the third time…then move to your other hand, then your feet…etc. one muscle group at a time. This WILL lower your anxiety.
breath.
everyone online will be here for you. don’t doubt it.
one step
liane,
the picture of your dogs in the sunset on the beach is inspiring to me. i can feel that freedom.
now i just have to stare at that picture for awhile and figure out my next small step.
one step
Henry, you know me CRS, no number—call me I will call you back! Love Oxy
Dear Henry, there must be something in the air that they tend to show up these days.
You live on your own in a remote aerea, aren’t you? Is there the possibility to call someone you trust just to stay with you right now? Or do you have trustworthy neighbors? I would inform them if they do not already know that you split up two years ago and that you consider this stalking now as you made it clear not to be contacted again. If X drove to them they also can tell X to steer clear.
My heart goes out to you, and I hope you will soon be better!
I had my trigger moment this very morning (X sent me a very manipulative letter), and I had to call my mother and my sister whom both hate the X and got validation from them, and then I also came here and got validation by one step.
I could not have done it so quickly all on my own. Good for you to come here!
hey libelle,
i have been thinking the last 2 days that the spath i tangled with may try to get in touch, you know to ‘wish me merry christmas’.
there is one way left that she might be able to get to me (besides post) and it is complicated for me to deal with it – timing and money (as usual), but i think i better deal with it today.
when my spidey senses start tingling i am picking up info.
i do, however hope she sends me a card. 😉 one more thing for the lawyer! okay, that’s a bit weird;cause i know it would upset me. i have this history of sacrificing myself to ideas. i need to stop that. I am reading the betrayal bond and it speaks to this thing that i do.
i hope you do someting really nice for yourself today. small or large, but nice!
one step
it was just unexpected, caught me off gaurd, intimadation on his part – i guess – dont know what it was other than to show off that he is doing well, driving a new truck , looking for his cat he abandoned 2 years ago – it wasnt because he missed me – i didnt give him the opportunity to talk to me, i guess most folks would think i am weak and afraid of him – he damaged me physcologically the three years he was here…I could of shot him but dont want to go to prison over a peice of shit like him…here all these months i feel like i love him – i ran him off in order to survive him – why cant he just die? – the decision would be made then – i would have no choice – it would be made for me…….
oh henry,
🙁
i am sorry he won’t just die. I DO have access to a big truck….
when my ‘love bits’ come up (which they do on almost a daily basis) i am sobered by some horrid thing – thinking i might be in a court room with her made me VERY aware of my fear of her, which is MY DESIRE TO PROTECT MYSELF.
you are not weak. you are protective. good for you.
forgive me a moment of fantasy of you opening the door and leveling the gun at his heart area (ya know, that EMPTY place in his chest)
take good care. glad oxy connected 🙂
one step
ps – he doesn’t give a shit about the cat either. fucker.